fjfj fJff.fi  Jf  "f, 'fJf ' f  i  iff  '•  *  v/* 'iff  Jf  it   )  'if 


PRENTICEANA; 


OB, 


¥IT  AND  HUMOR  IN  PARAGRAPHS. 


BY 


THE  EDITOR  OF  THE  LOUISVILLE  JOURNAL. 


NEW  YORK: 

DERBY  &  JACKSON,   119   NASSAU  STREET. 
1860. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1859,  by 
DERBY   &   JACKSON, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the  Southern  District  of 
Now  York. 


WM.  H.  TINSON,  Stereotyper.  GEO.  RUSSELL  &  Co.,  Printers. 


P  EE  F  A  CE. 


THOUGH  I  have  been  a  public  writer  from  my  boy 
hood,  I  offer  this  volume  to  my  fellow-citizens  with  a 
diffidence  almost  painful.  It  is  made  up  of  a  portion  of 
'.:he  paragraphs  that  I  have  written  for  the  "  Louisville 
Journal "  during  the  last  twenty-nine  years,  and  a  few 
of  those  written  for  the  "  E"ew  York  Ledger  "  within  the 
Last  two  years. 

A  long  time  ago,  I  was  urged  often  and  earnestly  to 
publish  such  a  volume  as  this,  or  permit  one  to  be  pub 
lished,  but  I  uniformly  declined.  I  should  decline  still, 
but  for  the  knowledge  that,  if  I  do  not  publish  my  own 
-.paragraphs,  others  will,  making  the  selections  with  far 
less  regard  for  the  feelings  of  men  who  are  now  my 
friends  than  I  choose  to  exercise. 

I  am  as  well  aware  as  any  one  can  be,  that  there  are 
just  grounds  of  grave  objection  to  this  book.  Probably, 
in  many  things  that  it  contains,  little  else  than  partisan 
bitterness  will  be  found.  Still  I  have  carefully  excluded, 
out  of  deference  to  the  sensibilities  of  persons  whom  I 
:iow  esteem  and  love,  thousands  of  the  very  passages 
which,  at  the  time  of  their  appearance,  did  most  to  give 
•;o  the  "  Louisville  Journal "  its  fame  or  its  notoriety. 
In  many  of  the  passages  here  given,  I  have  suppressed 
names  in  order  that  there  may  be  no  occasion  for  offence. 
In  regard  to  my  contemporaries  of  the  Press,  who  are 


iii 


046597 


IV  PREFACE. 

referred  to,  I  will  say,  in  justice  both  to  myself  and  to 
them,  that  not  more  than  half  of  the  blows  struck  between 
them  and  me  were  mine.  I  do  not  think  that  I  have 
now  a  feeling  of  personal  enmity  toward  any  member 
of  the  Press. 

Many,  and  perhaps  most,  of  the  paragraphs  here  col 
lected  relate  to  the  men  and  measures  of  former  times, 
but  I  believe  they  all  explain  themselves.  I  have  no 
doubt,  however,  that  a  very  considerable  proportion  of 
them,  which,  perhaps  from  partisan  partiality,  were 
deemed  "good  hits"  at  the  time,  will,  now  that  the 
occasion  which  called  them  forth  has  passed,  be  read 
with  comparatively  little  interest.  I  know  that  such 
things  do  not  Jceep  well. 

It  is  of  course  impossible  for  me  to  remember  how 
far  I  may,  in  some  trifles,  have  been  indebted  to  sug 
gestions  that  I  found  in  the  writings  of  others,  but  I 
believe  that  all  which  I  have  here  given  is  my  own. 
Not  a  few  of  the  paragraphs  have  been  keeping  their 
place  in  the  newspaper  Press  for  many  years,  no  one 
seeming  to  have  any  knowledge  of  their  origin,  and 
very  likely  they  are  not  worth  my  reclaiming. 

The  reader  will  see  that,  occasionally,  to  express  a 
thought,  or  a  fancy,  or  a  conceit  more  conveniently,  I 
have  put  the  words  into  the  form  of  a  dialogue,  purport 
ing  sometimes  to  be  between  two  politicians,  sometimes 
a  man  and  his  wife,  etc.,  but  such  paragraphs  are  not 
less  original,  not  less  my  own,  than  the  rest. 

The  Publishers  are  responsible  for  the  title  of  this 
book. 

G.  D.  PKENTICE. 


PKENTICEANA 


AN"  exchange  says  that  we  have  a  right  to  take  an  um 
brella  or  a  kiss  without  permission  wherever  we  can. 
Well,  but  if  the  umbrella  isn't  returned,  the  fault  is  ours ; 
if  the  kiss  isn't,  it  is  the  lady's. 


A  MAN  went  out  into  the  fields  to  procure  slippery-elm 
bark.     After  freely  chewing  what  he  supposed  to  be  the 
genuine  article,  he  became  wretchedly  sick.     No  doubt  he 
"  barked  up  the  wrong  tree." 


1U~R.  THOMAS  POTT,  a  citizen  of  Western  Texas,  pub- 
-L'-L  lishes  a  violent  communication  against  his  neighbors  in 
general,  because  he  has  had  an  axe  stolen.  His  rage  is  evi 
dently  a  tempest  in  a  7!  Rait,. 


THE  "  Boston  Transcript  "  says,  that  a  young  lady,  after 
reading  attentively  the   title  of  a  novel  called   "  The 
Last  Man,"  exclaimed — "  bless  me,  if  such  a  thing  were 
ever  to  happen,  what  would  become  of  the  women  ?"    We 
think  a  more  pertinent  inquiry  is,  what  would  become  of 

the  poor  man  .?" 

5 


6,  ,  P  RENTICEANA 


„  A  ^-,  Alabama  .pap'ej-  calls  Mr. a  Yan  Bur  en  man,  on 

•— S¥*  the.  .village d'-  Authority  of  a  Mr.  Shaw  of  Tennessee  and 
Mr.  Pugh  of  the  "  Lexington  Gazette."  To  Shaw's  author 
ity  we  say  pshaw  !  and  to  Pugh's,  pooh  ! 


A  QUIZZICAL  editor  in  Arkansas,  who  rejoices  in  the 
rather  quizzical  name  of  Harry  Hurry,  says  that  "truth 
is  generally  slow  in  its  progress."     Probably  it  is  never  in 
such  a  Hurry  as  he. 

A  FEMALE  correspondent  suggests  a  condition  on  which 
she  will  give  us  a  kiss.     We  feel  in  duty  bound  to  say 
to  her,  that  kissing  is  a  thing  that,  at  every  proper  oppor 
tunity,  we  set  our  face  against. 


A  WESTERN  editor  boasts  that  his  State  furnishes  a 
greater  quantity  of  oats  than  any  other  in  the  Union. 
He  forgets  to  say  whether  she  also  furnishes  a  greater  num 
ber  of  asses  to  eat  them. 


AN"  editor  in  Michigan,  talking  of  corn,  professes  to  have 
a  couple  of  ears  fifteen  inches  long.     Some  folks  are 
remarkable  for  the  lencrth  of  their  ears. 


THE  Cincinnati  representative  in  Congress  boasts  that  he 
can  "  bring  an  argument  to  a  p'int  as  quick  as  any  other 
man."     He  can  bring  a  quart  to  a  pint  a  good  deal  quicker. 


THE   editor  of  the  "  New  Hampshire  Patriot "  says,  that 
if  the  Whigs  succeed  in  their  efforts,  he  shall  tremble 
for  the  fate  of  the  country.     He  may  tremble  as  much  as  he 
pleases,  but  he  will  be  no  great  shakes. 


P  R  E  N  T  I  C  BAN  A. 


A  MAN"  recently  got  married  in  Kentucky  one  day  and 
hung  himself  the  next.     No  doubt  he  wanted  to  try  all 
varieties  of  nooses  to  see  which  he  liked  best. 


THE  Salem  (Ind.)  "  Annotator  "  says,  that  in  a  late  remark 
respecting  Mr.  Ratt,  the  Democratic  candidate  for  Con 
gress  in  that  district,  we  were  guilty  of  misrepresentation. 
Perhaps  the  candidate  or  his  editor  will  tell  us  what  the 
misrepresentation  was.  Come,  Mr.  Ratt — you  "  can  a  tale 
unfold."  _ 

THE    "Pioneer"  wants  to  know  whether,  if  the  devil 
were  to  die,  the  newspapers  would  not  eulogize  his  char 
acter.     If  they  didn't,  the  editors  would  be  very  likely 
to  get  unceremonious  orders  from  some  of  the  relations  of 
the  deceased — "  stop  my  paper." 


MRS.  POLLY  TROONE,  of  Brazoria,  has  been  convicted 
of  slandering  her  neighbors.   A  good  many  unconvicted 
Pol-troons  of  the  other  sex  are  habitually  guilty  of  the 
same  offence. 

IT  is  stated  that  the  members  of  a  late  court  martial  ran 
up  a  bill  of  four  hundred  and  fifty  dollars  against  the 
government  for  port  wine.     We  suppose  those  men-of-war 
thought  they  ought  to  make  port  holes  of  their  mouths. 


A  TEXAS  editor,  in  reply  to  the  imputation  of  being  a 
-£*-  small  craft,  boasts  that  he  "  carries  as  many  guns  and 
draws  as  much  water  "  as  his  assailant.  We  fear  he  draws 
more  brandy  than  water. 


T 


HE  editor  of  the  calls  himself  a  lion.     If  not 

the  king  of  beasts,  he  is  certainly  a  very  great  one. 


8  PEENTICEANA. 

IT  has  been  suggested  that  the  culture  of  hemp  be  tried 
in  the  South.     A  southern  editor,  remarking  upon  the 
subject,  says  that  he  knows  all  about  cotton  and  rice,  but 
doesn't  understand  hemp  at  all.     Perhaps  he  may  yet  get 
the  hang  of  it. 

IT  is  exceedingly  bad  husbandry  to  harrow  up  the  feelings 
of  your  wife. 

AUR  friend  Hunt,  of  the  "  Nashville  Banner,"  addicts 
^  himself  to  making  puns  upon  our  name.  We  have 
hunted  for  some  pun  wherewithal  to  be  revenged  on  him, 
but  our  labors  have  proved,  like  himself — a  vain  and  unpro 
fitable  hunt. 

A  DEMOCRATIC  editor  in  Indiana  says  that  he  should 
hazard  very  little  in  contradicting  our  assertions.    Very 
true  ;  he  would  be  hazarding  the  merest  trifle  in  the  world 
— nothing  but  his  character  for  veracity. 


(THERE  is  an  editor  of  our  acquaintance  who  exaggerates 
A  so  habitually  that  we  fear  he  will  never  speak  icithin 
bounds— unless  he  is  sent  to  the  penitentiary. 


rTHE  editor  of  the  "  Eastern  Argus  "  is  melancholy  in  his 
-  reflections  upon  the  close  of  the  year.  He  says  he  shall 
soon  be  lying  in  his  grave.  When  he  gets  there,  it  will  be 
time  for  him  to  stop  lying.  The  ruling  passion  is  often 
strong  in  death,  but  seldom  after  it. 


FN"  some  parts  of  Arkansas,  trees  are  scarce  and  hangings 
-A-  numerous.     A  tree  without  two  or  three  men  hano-inor 

O         O 

on  it  is  quite  a  rare  spectacle.  Such  a  tree  is  not  considered 
a  good  bearer. 


PRENTICEANA. 


THE  question  is  often  discussed  whether  the  savages  enjoy 
life.    We  suppose  they  do,  as  they  always  seem  anxious 
to  take  it  when  they  get  a  chance. 


A  YOUNG  widow  has  established  a  pistol-gallery  in  New 
Orleans.     Her  qualifications  as  -a  teacher  of  the  art  of 
duelling  are  of  course  undoubted ;  she  has  killed  her  man. 


A  CAN  ADI  AN  editor  says  that  he  has  "  a  keen  rapier  to 
prick  all  fools  and  knaves."    His  friends  had  better  take 
it  from  him.     He  might  commit  suicide. 


THE  "  Nashville  Republican  "  announces  that  Mr.  Barrow 
is  to  take  charge  of  its  editoral  department.    "We  know 
nothing  of  his  political  opinions,  but  presume  from  his  name 
that  he  is  not  "  a  whole  hog."  * 


A  LETTER  from  China  says  that  the  Chinese  have  suc 
ceeded,  by  the  skill  of  their  cultivators,  in  producing  a 
new  and  delicious  variety  of  tea.    We  suppose  they  have 
accomplished  this  by  crossing  their  teas. 


TT  is  said  that  the  hunger  for  gold  generally  increases  with 
A  age.  Accordingly  we  see  that  most  of  our  old  people 
have  it  in  their  mouths. 

A  MAN  was  recently  convicted  in  Kentucky  of  stealing 
his  neighbor's  cows  and  hiding  them  in  his  cellar.     It 
was  a  cowardly  mode  of  cow-hiding. 

*  It  was  a  common  boast  of  the  old  Jackson  party  that  they  "  went 
the  whole  hog,"  and  they  came  to  be  denominated  "  whole  hogs."  It 
was  a  coarse  term,  but  at  the  time  they  did  not  object  to  it.  They 
accepted  it  as  kindly  as  the  Whigs  afterward  did  the  name  of  "  coons." 

1* 


10  PBENTICEANA. 


¥ 


E  always  hated  moustaches.     We  would  almost  as  soon 
be  hare-lipped  as  hair-lipped. 


question  is  often  asked,  why  it  is  that  so  many  dogs 
J-  have  spots  over  their  eyes.  Probably  nature,  in  that 
particular  case,  stops  to  dot  her  eyes. 


MR.  STARR,  of  Georgia,  shot  a  Cherokee  Indian  the 
other  day  in  the  gold  region.     He  is  a  shooting-Starr. 


ANEW  ENGLAND  writer  says  that  it  has  been  found 
that  negroes  can  be  better  trusted  than  white  men  not 
to  betray  secrets.     We  suppose  this  is  upon  the  principle 
that  they  always  "  keep  dark." 


0 


TJR  neighbor  says  he   has   discovered  a  rat-hole.     He 
had  better  move  into  it  and  save  house-rent. 


ROMANTIC  poet  sends  us  some  stanzas  addressed  to 
a  young  woman,  and  commencing — "  We  met  as  meet 
the  day  and  night."     We  can't  encourage  amalgamation. 


A 


"VflRGINIA  seems  in  sore  distress  on  account  of  Mr.  Van 
V    Buren's  nomination.     She   played  with  a  juggler  and 
has  been  juggled.     She  dealt  with  the  Kinderhooker  and 
has  been  kinder  hooked. 


THE  " Herald"    says,    that    Mr.   W.,   in   his 
speech  at  the  court-house  in  that  place,  professed  to 
have  forgotten  the  name  of  the  editor  of  the  "  Journal." 
He  would  forget  his  own  if  he  changed  it  as  often  as  he 
does  his  principles. 


PEENTICEANA.  11 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Advertiser "  says,  there  are  several 
conductors  of  the  "  Journal."  It  is  not  strange  that  he 
thinks  so.  During  the  last  war,  an  American  soldier  at 
New  London,  chancing  to  come  somewhat  suddenly  upon 
a  peaceful  and  solitary  traveller,  ran  back  into  camp,  hair 
on  end,  exclaiming  with  all  his  might — Help !  help  !  I  am 
chased  by  a  thousand  British  ! 


SOME  newspaper  establishments  are  operated  by  steam. 
In  others,  horse  or  ass  power  is  employed.      Should  our 
neighbor  obtain,  as  he  promises,  a  steam  press,   he   will 
have  a  combination  of  advantages — a  paper   printed  by 
steam,  and  edited  by  an  ass. 


1 7  VERY  day  our  neighbor  repeats  against  us  the  charge 
*J  of  lying.  If  we  ever  set  up  a  lie-factory,  we  shall  hang 
him  out  for  a  sign.  He  gets  four  thousand  dollars  a  year 
for  lying,  and  this,  according  to  the  nicest  estimate  we  can 
make,  is  about  "half  a  dime  for  every  ten  lies. 


editor  of  the  " Argus,"  speaks  of  having 

filled  a  sheet  of  foolscap  on  the  subject  of  the  British 
West  India  trade.  Fool's-cap  is  made  to  be  filled  by  such 
heads  as  his. 


THE    editor    of   the   " Gazette,"    noticing    a 
late  accident^  says,  that  one  of  the  persons  killed  was 

Mr. ,  who  Keeps  the 'springs.     If  the  springs  are  kept 

by  a  dead  man,  none  but  ghosts  will  drink  at  them. 


IT  is  very  well  that  the  youth  of  our  country  should  get 
high,  but  they  should  do  so  as  the  oaks  do — by  drinking 
water. 


12  PKENTICEANA. 

BOILED  potato  was  recently  set  on  a  dinner-table  at 
Chicago,  which,  on  being  opened,  was  found  to  contain 
a  serpent.  Many  a  serpent  has  been  taken  to  the  table  in  a 
bottle  or  decanter,  and  many  a  victim  been  mortally  stung 
in  consequence.  

A  GENTLEMAN,  if  aggrieved,  has  a  right  to  pull  a 
&•  blackguard's  ears,  but  he  should  on  no  account  cut 
them  off.  They  should  be  left  on  for  the  accommodation 
of  other  aggrieved  parties. 


"  Chicago  Journal "  says  that  we  must,  in  these  days 
of  wonders,  be  surprised  at  nothing.     But  when  should 
we  be  surprised,  if  not  in  the  days  of  wonders  ? 


fTlHERE  is  said  to  be  "  many  a  slip  between  the  cup  and 
J-  the  lip,"  but  it  would  be  well  for  some  of  our  young 
men,  and  old  ones  too,  if  there  were  a  good  many  more. 


MR.  J.  S.  SNELLING,  somewhat  notorious  in  the  lite 
rary  world,  has  published  a  life  of  General  Jackson. 
In  undertaking  the  old  hero's  biography,  he  has  followed 
the  advice  he  once  gave  to  us.  Two  or  three  years  ago  he 
wrote  a  satirical  volume,  wherein,  among  other  hard  things, 
he  said  to  us  : 

"  Think  not  to  honor  'tis  the  certain  way 
To  soil  the  noble  life  of  Henry  Clay  — 
Go  seek  a  patron  more  upon  thy  level, 
Go  plaster  Andrew  Jackson  or  the  devil." 

As  the  poet  has  taken  part  of  his  own  advice,  he  had 
better  adopt  the  rest,  giving  the  world  the  devil's  biogra 
phy  as  soon  as  possible.  Let  it  be  entitled  the  "  Life  of 
Old  Scratch,"  by  his  affectionate  son. ' 


PKENTICEANA.  13 

TT  is  very  provoking  to  see  how  constantly  certain  editors 
•••  are  in  the  habit  of  stealing  the  best  articles  they  can  find 
in  their  exchanges.  They  should  at  least  be  content  to  pilfer 
second  or  third-rate  matter.  Their  betters  would  probably 
have  no  objection  to  setting  apart  something  for  their  use. 
An  old  Scotch  farmer  sowed  a  field  of  turnips,  and,  appro 
priating  a  ridge  to  the  use  of  the  public,  put  up  a  notice, 
"  Thieves  are  requested  to  steal  from  this  spot." 


A  POLITICAL  editor  of  a  village  newspaper  cries  aloud 
-£*•  to  his  party,  "  Let  your  trumpets  bray  in  the  front  of 
the  battle."  A  good  many  political  partisans  can  bray  well 
enough  without  such  instruments.  The  use  of  trumpets  is 
a  needless  expenditure  of  brass. 


"IT7E  received  a  newspaper  two  days  ago,  professing  to 
' '     give  a  full  account  of  the  creation  of  the  world.     We 
shouldn't  be  much  surprised  if  the  enterprising  editor  were 
to  bring  up  the  news  in  his  next  number  to  Noah's  flood. 


rTIHERE  are  four  or  five  Democratic  editors  in  this  vici- 
-1  nity  whose  abuse  amuses  us  not  a  little.  If  one  assails 
us,  all  the  rest  stand  ready  to  sustain  him  by  furnishing  him 
with  the  necessary  falsehoods  and  copying  his  Billingsgate. 
They  remind  us  of  the  habit  of  rats.  It  is  said  that  a  string 
of  some  half  dozen  of  these  vermin  will  hold  each  other  up 
by  the  tail  to  enable  the  lowermost  to  steal  an  egg  from 
the  bottom  of  a  barrel. 


A  FEW  days  ago,  the  freedom  of  New  York  city  was  pre 
sented  to  Mr.  Van  Buren  in  a  gold  snuff-box.     All  the 
freedom  that  New  York  has  enjoyed  for  years  might  be 
given  away  in  a  box  of  the  very  smallest  description. 


14:  PKENTICEANA. 

A  WRITER  in  the  " Gazette  "  says  that  the 
cholera  has  renewed  its  ravages  in  that  city,  in  conse 
quence  of  the  drunkenness  of  the  Clay-men  at  the  election. 
The  author  of  this  very  decorous  calumny  is  a  little  short- 
legged  fellow  with  a  red  nose,  looking  for  all  the  world  like 
a  brandy-keg  waddling  about  on  a  couple  of  taps. 

A    SHORT  time  ago  the  editor  of  the was  professedly 

-^  neutral  in  politics,  but  all  at  once  he  came  out  a  violent 
partisan.  Every  political  movement  has  a  cause  ;  some 
times  that  cause  is  openly  avowed,  and  sometimes  it  is  put 
away  into  a  man's  breeches^  pocket. 


OUR  southern  friends  are  under  the  impression  that,  if  a 
genuine  Yankee  were  to  meet  Death  on  the  pale  horse, 
he  would  banter  him  to  swap  horses. 


is  no  more  dishonor  in  being  knocked  down  by  a 
J-   bully  than  in  being  scratched  by  a  catamount  or  kicked 

by  a  jackass. 

— »-++ 

APOLITICAL  opponent  says  that  we  have  twisted  his 
arguments  till  they  are  no  longer  his  but  our  own. 
Suppose  we  were  to  twist  his  nose — would  it  become  our 
nose  instead  of  his  ? 


the  smoke  of  my  cigarette  unpleasant  to  you,  sir  r" 
"  Oh,  no,  madam  ;  I  would  rather  inhale  smoke  from 
your  beautiful  lips,  than  taste  kisses  from  any  others." 


A  COUPLE  of  our  western  editors  are  publishing  bitter 
hand-bills  against  each  other.     There  is  a  great  deal  of 
billing  between  them,  but  no  cooing. 


T 


PEENTICEANA.  15 

HE  sheriff  of  Lincoln  County  asks  why  we  do  not  come 
and  kick  him.  Dr.  Johnson  said  of  certain  curiosities 
in  Scotland,  that  they  were  worth  seeing,  but  not  worth 
going  to  see.  In  like  manner  we  say  of  the  Lincoln  sheriff 
— he  is  worth  kicking,  but  not  worth  going  to  kick. 


AN  administration  organ  in  New  York  says  that  "  if  the 
Senate  stands  in  the  way  of  the  President  in  the  dis 
charge  of  his  constitutional  functions,  he  will  unhesitatingly 
leap  over  it."     That  will  be  the  most  wonderful  leap  since 
the  time  when  "  the  old  cow  jumped  over  the  moon." 


4i  TJOW  do  you  like  my  face,  miss?"  said  an  individual, 
-tl  whose    forehead    and    chin  protruded  very  much, 
while  the  intermediate  features  formed  a  concavity.     "  Oh, 
sir,  it  is  my  favorite  dish." 


YI7HEN  a  young  woman  marries  an  old  man  for  his  money, 
'"     he  should  certainly  let  her  have  it  all.     If  she  takes 
him,  that  she  doesn't  want,  he  should  let  her  have  his  gold 
that  she  does.  ___ 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Advertiser"  calls  upon  the  people  not 
to  pay  their  debts  to  the  bank.  His  late  call  upon  the 
opponents  of  the  institution  to  "  strike  for  liberty,"  is  now 
explained.  By  striking  for  liberty,  he  means  cheating  a 
creditor.  "  I  feel  patriotic,"  exclaimed  a  drunken  soldier. 
"  What  do  you  mean  by  feeling  patriotic  ?"  inquired  a  by 
stander.  "  Why,  I  feel  as  if  I  should  like  to  kill  somebody 
or  steal  something." 


rPHERE  is  in  the  Senate  a  man  whose  life  has  been  one  of 
J-  ignominy,  and,  when  he  dies,  his  epitaph  should  be, 
Here  lies  the  man  who  lied  in  the  American  Senate. 


16  PRENTICEANA. 

MR.  0.,  of  ISTew  York,  has  made  a  speech  in  Congress  in 
defence  of  the  late  act  of  the  executive.      Although 
he   didn't  succeed  in  clearing  the  executive,  he  was   re 
markably  successful  in  clearing  the  house. 


FLEAS  must  be  long-lived.     The  "  industrious  fleas  "  that 
were  taken  through  the  country  fifteen  years  ago,  are 
advertised  as  having  gone  to  Cape  Cod.     They  will  have 
to  be  "  industrious  "  there,  or  they  will  starve  to  death. 


IT  has  been  thought  strange  that  a  dinner  to  which  a  man 
is  not  invited,  is  generally  the  one  that  sits  hardest  upon 
his  stomach.  ^_ 

SCOTT  says  that  "  every  man  that  lives  has  his  lights  and 
shades."     We  are  not  so  certain  about  the  shades,  but 
there  is  no  liver  without  lights. 


M 


EN  should  not  think  too  much  of  themselves,  and  yet  a 
man  should  always  be  careful  not  to  forget  himself! 


WE  have  before  us  a  copy  of  the  famous  post-office  cir 
cular,  soliciting  contributions  for  the  Postmaster- 
General's  picture.  On  the  whole,  we  are  not  surprised  at 
his  resorting  to  this  expedient.  Having  expended  the  last 
farthing  in  his  possession,  what  is  he  to  do  if  he  cannot  "  run 
his  face  ?" 


fTHE  Democratic  editors  display  their  wit  in  the  invention 
1  of  nicknames  for  the  Whig  party.  A  Tennessee  paper 
says  that  "the  editor  of  the  '  Louisville  Journal '  is  a  big 
Wig."  That  may  be,  but  our  Tennessee  friend  is  "  no  great 
scratch." 


PKENTICEANA.  17 

A  DEMOCRATIC  editor  in  Illinois  says  that  he  "  wears 
no  collar."  But  probably  the  worst  is  that  he  wears 
no  shirt.  We  hope  his  friends  will  get  up  a  subscription, 
and  send  him  a  dozen  shirts  with  a  good  stout  collar  to 
each.  If  he  is  not  collared  now,  he  certainly  was  a  couple 
of  years  ago — collared  very  unceremoniously  by  a  gentle 
man  whom  he  had  libelled,  and  whom  he  thought  the  ma 
lignant  cholerer. 

MR.  Q.  made  another  speech  at  the  court-house  last  night. 
He  was,  if  possible,  more  fiend-like  than  upon  the  for 
mer  occasion.  Seven  devils  seemed  to  have  taken  posses- 
ion  of  him — not  Belzebub,  Moloch,  or  any  of  the  big  devils, 
but  seven  mean,  malignant,  grovelling  imps,  such  as  m  the 
olden  tune  entered  into  the  herd  of  swine. 


TT7E  take  no  account  of  Mr.  W.'s  threats  against  us.  He 
' '  will  never  have  the  courage  to  make  a  bodily  assault 
even  upon  a  cripple,  unless  he  first  takes  a  brick  and  beats 
his  own  skull  to  raise  a  bump  of  combativeness.  He  is  a 
bladder  of  wind — puffed,  swollen,  and  portly  ;  but  give  him 
a  single  prick  and  he  lies  lank  and  shrivelled  before  you. 


THE  "  Eastern  Argus  "  undertakes  to  defend  the  integrity 
of  a  high  officer  of  the  Government  by  alleging,  that, 
though  he  has  been  in  office  for  years,  he  is  still  a  poor  man. 
That's  no  rule.  Calvin  Edson,  the  living  skeleton,  used  to 
eat  ten  pounds  of  meat  per  day.  The  more  he  gobbled,  the 
more  he  wouldn't  get  fat. 


officers  of  the  government  have  given  to  the  editor 

-   of   the the    paper   and   twine   contract    for 

the  whole  West.     They  have  given  him  "  rope  enough," 
hoping,  probably,  that  he  will  hang  himself. 


18  PEENTICEANA. 


¥HEN"  we  see  a  man  ostentatiously  buying  books  that 
he  never  intends  to  read,  and  that  he  couldn't  under 
stand  if  he  did,  we  are  forcibly  reminded  of  deaf  men 
buying  tickets  to  the  opera,  and   blind   ones  to  picture 
galleries. 


A  DEMOCRATIC  editor  in  Ohio,  whose  paper  is  as  dingy 
-^  and  dirty  as  if  manufactured  from  the  unwashed  rags  of 
his  own  back,  abuses  us  at  a  terrible  rate.  We  should 
imagine  his  daily  beverage  must  be  aqua  fortis  stirred  up 
with  a  lightning-rod. 

THE  last  number   of  the   government   organ   contained 
but  three  falsehoods.     Until  the  appearance  of  the  next 
number,  the  subordinate  organs  must  live  upon  short  com 
mons.     It  is  "  fast-day  "  with  them. 


THE  Democrats  of  Springfield,  at  their  late  celebration, 
fired  one  gun  in  honor  of  the  head  of  President  Jack 
son's  kitchen  cabinet.    We  presume  that  it  was  charged 
with  spits,  pothooks,  and  ladles,  and  wadded  with  a  dish 
cloth. 

THE  comet  lately  passed  near  the  constellation  of  the  Great 
Bear.      Since  then  its  tail  is  said  to   be  considerably 
shortened.     If  the  bear  bit  it  off,  all  the  planets  in  the  solar 
system  should  honor  bruin  with  a  vote  of  thanks. 


A 


CRITIC  says  of  a  late  volume  of  poetry,  that  it  is 
"  unutterably  stupid."     Pity  it  hadn't  been. 


THE   editor  of  the  says  he  has   '  a  rod  in  soak 
for  us."     We  always  knew  him  for  an  old  soaker. 


PKENTIOEANA.  19 

A  CONTEMPORARY  of  ours  says  that  "  Some  editors 
are  ahvays   trying   to  be  witty  and  often  fail."     His 
readers  might  add  that  others  seem  always  trying  to  be 
stupid  and  never  fail. 

JOHN  T.  FROST,  of  Donaldsonville,  has  had  to  pay  a 
man  five  hundred  dollars  for  biting  off  his  nose.     That's 
more  than  men  generally  get  for  having  their  noses  bitten 

by  Jack  Frost. 

»-«-« 

IN  Columbia,  a  week  or  two  since,  a  man  whistled  to  his 
neighbor  as  if  calling  a  dog,  and  got  soundly  whipped 
for  it.     That  was  "  paying  dear  for  the  whistle." 


THE  botanists  tell  us  that  there  is  no  such  thing  in  nature 
as  a  black  flower.     We  suppose  they  never  heard  of  the 
'  coal-black  Rose." 

A  FELLOW  who  has  taken  our  paper  two  years  without 
<ti.  ever  paying  a  farthing  for  it,  threatens  to  be  our  "  pa 
tron  "  no  longer.  He  has  been  just  such  a  patron  as  a  rat 
is  to  a  corn-crib,  a  cat  to  a  pot  of  cream,  or  a  Democratic 
office-holder  to  the  public  treasury. 


THE  Democrats  met  on  Saturday  evening  and  appointed 
delegates  to  a  State  Convention,   "with  power  to  fill 
vacancies  in  their  own  body."     Pity  they  couldn't  have  the 
power  to  fill  vacancies  in  their  own  heads. 


TTTE  think  the  reduction  of  the  mail  facilities  has  gone 
''     quite  far  enough.      We  are  informed  that  the  mail 
lately  passed  through  one  of  our  western  towns  in  a  stock 
ing  carried  upon  the  back  of  a  bull-dog. 


20  PRENTICEANA 


Hon.  Mr.  H.  says  there  are  some  little  errors  in  the 
Post-office  which  he  cannot  approve.  But  why  cannot 
he  approve  of  the  little  ones  as  well  as  the  great  ones  ?  Is 
he  like  the  giant  who  used  to  feed  on  wind-mills  and  hedge- 
fences,  but  unluckily  got  choked  at  last  with  a  lump  of 
butter  ?  __ 

T)LACE  confers  no  dignity  upon  such  a  man  as  the  new 
-*•  Missouri  senator.  Like  a  balloon,  the  higher  he  rises 
the  smaller  he  looks. 


ITIHE  editor  of  the calls  the  bank  "  an  old  harlot." 

J-  At  any  rate,  she  is  not  indiscriminate  in  the  bestowal 
of  her  favors.    Sis  tender  advances  were  recently  rejected. 


fact  that  a  man's  word  is  at  a  discount  is  no  indica- 
tion  that  his  note  will  be  discounted  in  bank. 


THE  "American  Agriculturist"  speaks  of  a  species  of 
pigs  with  square  snouts.     A  learned  goat  can  add,  sub 
tract  and  multiply,  but  these  pigs  can  give  an  illustration 
of  the  square  root. 


fFHE    editor   of  the  says   that   our  mouth    is 

-*-   dirty.     If  his  is  so,  'tis  not  for  the  want  of  frequent 
rinsings.  -\- 

HHHE  editor  of  the  " Hemisphere  "  says  there  is 

J-  reason  in  all  things.     His  own  skull  is  certainly  an  ex 
ception. 

THE   editor  of  the   is   opposed    to   the   eleo 
tion   of  Judge  White.      Nobody  ever  thinks  of  that 
editor  as  a  White  man.     He  never  behaves  like  one. 


PRENTICEANA.  21 

administration's  Philadelphia  organ  suggests  the  ex- 
•*-  pediency  of  conferring  banking  privileges  upon  manu 
facturing  establishments.  This  is  the  newest  and  brightest 
form  of  Democracy.  What  a  glorious  currency  we  shall 
have  when  all  our  cotton  and  woollen  factories,  grist  mills, 
tanneries,  rope-walks,  and  blacksmith-shops,  shall  become 
banks  of  issue. 


Postmaster-General  tries  to  arrange  the  machinery 
of  the  post-office  so  as  to  withhold  from  the  people  all 
intelligence  that  might  endanger  the  interests  of  his  party. 
He  is,  in  one  sense,  though  only  one,  a  "Locke  on  the 
Human  Understanding." 


u  T  HAVEN'T  taken  a  drop  of  liquor  for  a  year,"  said  an 
J-  individual   of  questionable   morals.       "  Indeed  !    but 
which  of  your  features  are  we  to  believe — your  lips  or  your 
nose  ?"  _ 

bi  T  WILL  lay  you  a  wager,"  said  one  sportsman  to  an- 
J-  other,  "that  I  will   shoot   more   crows    to-day  than 
you  !"      "  Oh,  yes,  you  could  always  beat  me  crowing." 


JOHN  NEAL  says  that  the  eagle  "  has  a  contempt  for  all 
other  birds."     The  owl,  however,  is  more  contemptuous 
still :  he  hoots  at  everything. 


•  £  OHE  isn't  all  that  my  fancy  painted  her,"  bitterly  ex- 
^  claimed  a  rejected  lover;   "and,  worse  than  that,  she 
isn't  all  that  she  paints  herself." 


YTTHEN  women  begin  to  count  their  admirers,  it  isn't  apt 
*'    to  take  them  long  to  do  it. 


22  PEENTICEANA. 

MR.  SPEIGHT,  of  North  Carolina,  says  that  Mr.  Clay  is 
not  a  great  man.     We  wonder  how  many  skulls  like 
Speight's  could  be  filled  with  Henry  Clay's  brains.     First 
let  it  be  ascertained  IIOAV  many  quart  measures  could  be 
filled  with  the  waters  of  Lake  Erie. 


IF   the   new  Postmaster-General  wishes  to  know  what 
our  neighbor  really  thinks  of  him,  let  him  take  from 
that  paper  the  twine  contract.     He  will  then  find,  that 
"  The  twine  that's  untwisted  untwisteth  the  twist." 


fTHE  "  Merchant's  Magazine  "  says  that  the  business  of 
-•-  the  merchants  has  not  been  very  good  during  the  last 
year.  Certainly  a  large  number  of  them  have  done  "  a 
smashing  business." 


TYTEVER  seek  to  be  intrusted  with  your  friend's  secret, 
-L '  for  no  matter  how  faithfully  you  may  keep  it,  you  will 
be  liable,  in  a  thousand  contingencies,  to  the  suspicion  of 

having  betrayed  it. 

— ++-* 

"  TVOCTOR,  what  do  you  think  is  the  cause  of  this  fre- 
•U  quent   rush  of  blood  to  my  head  ?"      "  Oh,  it   is 
nothing  but   an   effort   of  nature.       Nature,   you   know, 
abhors  a  vacuum." 

A  GREAT  many  men  and  women  seem  trying  to  estab 
lish  their  claims  to  the  possession  of  genius  by  proving 
their  deplorable  lack  of  common  sense. 


THE  two  Democratic  factions  in  Pennsylvania  are  having 
a  hard  race.     "  The  devil  take  the  hindmost " — and  tho 
foremost. 


PKENTICEANA.  23 

A  HUNTER  killed  four  wild-cats  the  other  day,  upon  the 
bank  of  the  Kentucky  River.     That's  the  only  "  wild 
cat  bank  "  we  have  heard  of  in  Kentucky. 


THE  editors  in  one  of  the  small  towns  in  Arkansas  are 
badly  posted.    They  have  been  posting  each  other  as 
liars,  villains  and  swindlers. 


FTH  ladies  of  taste,  you  cannot  hope  to  accomplish 
much,  unless  you  are  yourself  accomplished. 


HpHE  Washington  "  Globe  "  asks  whether  any  party  that 
-K-  acts  from  mere  policy  can  long  retain  power.  Certainly 
it  can  if  it  acts  from  a  wise  policy,  and  most  especially  if  it 
acts  from  the  best  of  all  policies — honesty. 


4  WESTERN  editor,  not  noted  for  brilliancy,  says  that 
1\  he  "  would  rather  put  questions  than  respond  to  them." 
He  has  probably  read  that  fools  may  ask  questions  but  that 
it  takes  wise  men  to  answer  them. 


4  KENTUCKY  editor  thinks  he  is  to  be  pitied  because 
•£*•  he  has  been  a  "  whole  week  without  mail  intelligence.'' 
Perhaps  he  is  still  more  to  be  pitied  for  having  been  all  his 
life  without  intelligence  of  any  sort. 


E  coat  of  a  horse  is  the  gift  of  nature.    That  of  an  ass 
is  often  the  work  of  a  tailor. 


"E  who  reels  and  staggers  most  in  the  journey  of  life, 
-  takes  the  strais^htest  cut  to  the  devil. 


24:  PEENTICEANA. 

A  PARTISAN  candidate   in   one  of  the    northwestern 
States  says,  that  he  expects  soon  to  attend  the  tattered 
garments  of  the   opposite  party  to  the  tomb  of  oblivion. 
We  suppose  he  will  think  himself  highly  honored,  walking 
in  procession  to  the  funeral  obsequies  of  a  suit  of  old  clothes. 


A  WESTERN  judge  recently  complimented  the  people 
of  a  county  very  highly,  because  upon  his  holding  court 
among  them  not  a  single  indictment  was  brought  before  him. 
It  is  to  be  hoped  that  the  compliment  was  not  due  to  the 
grand  jury,  rather  than  to  the  people. 


New  Haven  "Herald"  says:  "Does  the  editor  of 
J-  the  Louisville  '  Journal '  suppose  that  he  is  a  true  Yan 
kee  because  he  was  born  in  New  England?  If  a  dog  is 
born  in  an  oven,  is  he  bread?"  We  can  tell  the  editor  that 
there  are  very  few  dogs,  whether  born  in  an  oven  or  out  of 
it,  but  are  better  bred  than  he  is. 


"  Richmond  Enquirer  "  says  that  Mr.  Van  Buren  will 
J-  carefully  guard  those  principles  "  upon  which  hang  all 
the  law  and  the  prophets."  We  guess  his  great  principle 
will  be  to  trample  on  the  law  and  pocket  the  profits. 


MEN  in  all  ages  have  been  addicted  to  imitating  those 
above  them  ;  in  Alexander's  reign  every  Greek  carried 
bis  head  awry,  and,  in  Richard  the  Third's  time,  every 
Englishman  "  humped  himself." 


THE  "  Boston  Atlas  "  thinks  that  Mr. was  just  fit  to 
be  General  Jackson's  bottle-holder.     He  wasn't  fit  for 
that.     He  could  never  hold  a  bottle  five  minutes  without 
depredating  upon  its  contents. 


PEENTICEANA.  25 

THE  "  Louisville  Journal "  professes  to  think  that  Mr.  Clay  can 
be  elected  to  the  Presidency.     Is  Brother  Prentice  a  fool  ? — 
Westchester  Herald. 

No,  but  if  the  editor  of  the  "Westchester  Herald"  is  our 
brother,  we  are  next  kin  to  one. 


A  WRITER  in  the  "  Globe,"  supposed  to  be  A.  K.,  says 
that     "the  Whigs    are  riding    the    White  hobby  to 
doath."     We  should  dislike  to  see  his  gaunt  figure  bestrid 
ing  a  White  hobby.      It  would  be  Death  on   the  white 
horse. 

AN  eastern  paper  gives  an  account  of  a  child  that  was 
put  in  a  pint  tankard.  That's  nothing.  Our  neighbor, 
at  birth,  was  put  in  a  tankard,  which  happened  to  be  filled 
with  beer,  but,  instead  of  being  drowned,  he  drank  the  con 
tents  at  a  single  pull,  and  then  shouted  with  a  precocity 
rather  astonishing — "Give  us  another  pot  of  your  ale, 
daddy." 

WE  protest  against  having  the  words  of  the  editor  of  the  "Louis 
ville  Journal  "  put  into  our  mouth.     That  gentleman  is  very 
unlike  us  in  every  respect. —  WestcTiester  Herald. 

To  be  sure  we  are  ;  else  we  should  be  no  "  gentleman  " 
at  all.  _ 

fTCIE  editor  of  the is  addicted  to  everything  mean 

-*  and  villainous.  He  is  restrained  only  by  his  cowardice. 
If  he  has  not  robbed  a  hen-roost,  it  was  because  he  was 
afraid  of  the  old  rooster. 


MR.  V.,  of  the  "  Sentinel,"  compares  us  to  a  turkey.     He 
is  more  like  that  sort  of  fowl  himself.      A  cock-turkey 
cries  "quit,  quit,  quit;"  and  that's  just  what  V.  cried  the 
other  day  when  our  friend  F.  was  whipping  him. 

2 


26  PKENTICEANA. 

A  BOSTON  editor  calls  the  young  ladies  in  his  city  beauti 
ful  waves  on  the  sea  of  existence.     Probably  they  spend 
all  their  time  in  dancing. 


AN  eastern  paper  states  that  Daniel  Webster  and  Senator 
H.,  lately  stopped  one  night  at  the  same  house.      It 
must  have  been  a  house  of  "  entertainment  for  man  and 
beast." 


TT7E  advise  you,  girls,  when  dashing  young  fellows  make 
» '    love  to  you,  never  to  believe  that  they  really  love  you 
until  they  conclusively  prove  it  by  committing  suicide  on 
your  account. 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Virginia  Republican  "  says  :  "  we  are 
honest  in  our  support   of  Van   Buren."     In   the  next 
paragraph  he  says  :  "  We  flatter  ourselves."     Unquestion 
ably  he  does.  , 

A  MAN  that  marries  a  widow  is  bound  to  give  up  smok 
ing  and  chewing.   If  she  .gives  up  her  weeds  for  him,  he 
should  give  up  the  weed  for  her. 


TWO  cousins,  named  Crickett,  were  married  last  week  in 
Jefferson  County.     We  are   opposed  to   such   cricket 
matches. 

WERE  it  not  ungenerous  to  remind  a  man  of  his  natural 
infirmities,  we  should  inform  the  editor  of  the  "Grand 
Gulf  Advertiser  "  that  he  is  a  natural  fool 


fTHE  editor  of  the  "  Sentinel  »  has  had  a  "  strike  "  in  his 
J-  office.  He  deserved  it,  and  it  took  him  right  between 
the  eyes. 


PKENTIOEANA.  27 

A  NOVELIST  tells  of  two  lovers  who  agreed  to  wave 
their  hands  toward  each  other,  at  a  certain  hour,  across 
the  Atlantic  ocean.     One  might  suppose  there  would  be 
loaves  enough  between  them  without  their  trying  to  make 
any  with*  their  hands. 


editor  of  the  "  Bangor  Republican,"  referring  to  an 
alleged  coalition  between  the  Whigs  and  Anti-Masons, 
asks  when  the  Devil  and  Sin  were  married.  Probably  about 
nine  months  before  the  editor  of  the  "  Republican"  was  born. 


il/TR.  WILLIAM  HOOD  was  robbed  near  Corinth,  Ala. 
J-'-L  on  the  13th  inst.  The  Corinth  paper  says  that  the  name 
of  the  highwayman  is  unknown,  but  there  is  no  doubt  that 
lie  was  Robbin'  Hood. 


GOME  publishers  of  periodicals  publish  on  white  paper, 
+J  some  on  blue,  and  some  on  yellow.  A  large  portion  of 
the  political  papers  should  by  all  means  be  of  a  color  that 
won't  show  dirt. 


A  WRITER  in  one  of  our  medical  reviews,  says  that  if  a 
•&•  cow  is  diseased,  the  milk  is  necessarily  diseased  too. 
We  understand  that  the  common  treatment  of  diseased  milk 

is  the  water-cure. 

»-•-• 

MR.  AMAZIAH  STRING  advertises  in  the  "  Georgia 
Constitutionalist "  that  a  young  man  has  run  off  with 
his  two  daughters.  That  is  outrageous.     What's  the  use  of 
two  Strings  to  one  beau  ¥ 


AN  Illinois  editor,  speaking  of  one  of  the  writers  for  the 
"  Journal,"  claims  to  be  "  able  to  endure  most  kinds  of 
people,"  but  says  "  he  can't  bear  a  natural  fool."     Unfortu 
nately  his  "  maternal  ancestor  "  could. 


28  PEENTICEANA. 

A  WRITER,  who  has  just  returned  from  China,  says  that 
the  most  useful  crop  raised  by  the  Chinese  is  peas.  The 
Celestials  are  a  prudent  people  —  they  mind  their  peas  and 
cues. 

AMR.  BENTLEY  has    been  indicted  in  Alabama  for 
striking  a  stranger  with  an  axe.     He  says  that  he  didn't 
know  but  that  the  stranger  was  a  robber.     He  didn't  know, 
and  so  he  axed  him. 


editor  of  the  "Eastern  Democrat"  puts  a  dozen 
-*-  saucy  questions  to  us,  and  concludes  with  calling  us  a 
"  brandy  barrel."  If  that's  his  opinion  of  us,  'tis  no  wonder 
he  pumps  us. 

THE  editor  of  the  "  New  Hampshire  Patriot  "  calls   a 
female  editor  his  "  sister  of  the  quill."     His  brothers  and 
sisters  of  the  quill  may  occasionally  be  heard  gabbling  in  the 
creek. 

MR.  JOKN"  RTJBB,  candidate  for  some  petty  office,  pub 
lishes  in  a  Mississippi  paper  that  the  Whigs  are  the 
corruptest  party  in  the  world.     "  There  LIES  the  Rulb." 


A  RHYMER  sends  us  some  of  his  verses,  and  describes 
himself  as  six  feet  four  inches  high.     In  spite  of  his 
height,  he  is  no  Longfellow. 


fpHE  question  is  discussed  in  some  of  the  Missouri  papers 
J-  whether  raising  hemp  is  a  good  business.  A  much  bet 
ter  business  than  being  raised  by  it. 


1O  keep  your  friends,  treat  them  kindly  ;  to  kill  them,  treat 
them  often. 


PRENTICEANA. 


A  PAPER  calling  itself  literary  and  miscellaneous  adver 
tises  that  it  intends  to  swallow  up  everything  around  it 
"  like  a  great  maelstrom."     We  have  little  doubt  but  that 
it  will  prove  a  great  "  take  in  /" 


'll/TR.  SEXTON,  of  the  "  North  Carolina  Times,"  says:  "A 
.LTJL  highly  respectable  clergyman  from  the  eastern  part  of 
the  State  informs  us  that  Dudley  is  elected;  the  knell  of  the 
Democracy  is  sounded."  So  it  seems  that 

"  The  parson  told  the  Sexton, 
And  the  Sexton  tolled  the  bell." 


N  editor  says  that  he  gives  no  heed  to  what  we  say — 
that  our  words  "  go  in  at  one  ear  and  out  of  the  other." 
We  have  no  doubt  of  it.  Things  pass  easily  through  a 
vacuum. 

«»'f  T  AM  very  much  troubled,  madam,  with  cold  feet  and 
-A-  hands."     "  I  should  suppose,  sir,  that  a  young  gentle 
man  who  has  had  so  many  mittens  given  him  by  the  ladies, 
might  at  least  keep  his  hands  warm !" 


A  YOUNG  lady  of  New  Orleans,  who  recently  performed 
_GL  a  remarkable  feat  in  rowing,  has  been  presented  with  a 
beautiful  yawl.  A  smack  would  have  been  more  appro 
priate. 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Green  River  Union  "  intimates  that 
we  take  "  a  drop  too  much."     When  the  hangman  gives 
him  his  due,  nobody  will  think  he  has  "  a  drop  "  too  much. 


editor  of  the  "Globe"  says  that  he  "hopes  to  reach 
the  truth."     He  is  laying  out  for  himself  a  long  journey. 
He  had  better  make  his  will  before  he  starts. 


30  PKENTICEANA. 

A  WHITER  on  domestic  economy,  in  giving  instructions 
for  keeping  eggs  fresh,  says,  "  lay  with  the  small  end 
down."     He  does  not  specify  whether  this  direction  is  for 
the  hen  or  the  housewife. 


THE  "  Upper  Canada  Standard "  records  the   seduction 
and  abduction  of  Miss  Elvira  Spoon  by  Henry  Plate. 
Old  marvels  are  enacted  anew — "  the  dish  runs  away  with 
the  Spoon." 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Paoli  Patriot "  talks  about  the  Presi 
dency  rather  oracularly,  considering  that  he  lives  in  the 
wilderness.     Does  he  suppose  that  the  moderns,  like  the  an 
cients,  must  receive  their  oracles  from  the  woods  ? 


WE  often  receive  Whig  papers  requesting  an  exchange 
with  us,  and  proposing  to  "  pay  the  difference."     We 
can  have  no  "  difference  "  with  our  Whig  brethren. 


THERE  is  a  member  of  the  Arkansas  Legislature  whose 
name  is  Buzzard.     Let  him  subscribe  for  the  "  Louisville 
Advertiser;"  it  will  be  a  feast  to  him. 


ONE  of  the  Alabama  editors,   commonly  called  Bobby 
Steele,  asks  us  whether  a  Prentice  is  not  the  same  thing 
as  an  op-prentice.     No;  but  Bobby  is  the  same  thing  as 
booby. 

SOME  folks  think  that  their  personal  importance  fills  a 
large  space  in  the  public  eye,  when  it  is  all  in  their  own. 


T)ERSONS   often  insist   on   publishing  their   own   lives, 
J-    whose  lives  are  not  worth  giving — or  taking. 


PRENTICEANA.  31 

THE  "  Winchester  Virginian  "  says  that  we  tell  lies  upon 
the  President  and  his  cabinet.     We  do  them  no  such 
injustice.     What  is  the  use  of  lying  about  them,  when  the 
people  will  not  believe  more  than  one  half  of  the  truth  f 


A  TESTY  editor  wonders  if  we  are  not  often  frightened 
J\.  by  the  ghost  of  murdered  truth.  We  do  not  think  he 
is  in  any  danger  of  such  a  fright.  As  he  was  never 
able  to  see  the  truth  itself,  he  will  hardly  be  able  to  discern 
its  ghost. 

ONE  of  the  defenders  of  the  Indiana  representative  claims 
for  him  that  he  is  "  absent-minded."     No  doubt,  he  ex 
hibited  a  very  remarkable  instance  of  absence  of  mind  when 
lie  forgot  his  own  name  and  signed  that  of  another  man  to 
a  legal  document. 

MR.  WISE  has  given  Mr.  H.  of  this  State  a  most  cruel 
scourging  in  the  House  of  Representatives.     He  pre 
tended  all  the  while  to  be  asleep.     We  guess  he  slept  about 
as  quietly  as  a  mouse  in  a  cat's  ear. 


T 


HERE  are  two  sorts  of  cats.  We  doubt  the  truth  of  the 
A  common  saying  that  one  of  them  has  nine  lives,  but  many 
n,  poor  fellow's  back  can  attest  that  the  other  has  nine  tails. 


MR.  HALL,  of  Loudon  County,  Ya.,  has  been^indicted 
for  biting  off  the  nose  and  part  of  the  ear  of  Samuel 
Cherry.     He  was  wrong  to  make  "  two  bites  of  a  cherry." 


E  "  Cincinnati  Gazette  "  thinks  that  the  meanest  paper 
in  Ohio  is  the  "  Coshocton  Horizon."     We  consider  the 
Hon.  Taylor  Webster's  "  Telegraph  "  "  below  the  Horizon." 


32  PRENTICEANA. 

fTIIE  "  Portland  Argus '»  states  that  three  "Whigs  in  that 
-*•  vicinity  have  gone  over  to  the  administration,  and  adds, 
"  Straws  show  which  way  the  wind  blows."  All  very  ap 
propriate  ;  no  doubt  the  converts  are  men  of  straw. 


THE  "  Northern  Mercury  "  says  that  its  candidate  for  the 
Presidency  "  has  a  dead  majority  of  the  people  on  his 
side."     We  have  no  doubt  that  his  majority  is  a  "dead" 
one.     He  may  expect  to  be  elected  when  the  dead  come 
forth. 

THE  "  Philadelphia  Free  Press  "  exclaims :  "  Contemplate 
the  character  of  the  administration  !"     Certainly  we  will 

— but  then 

"  How  fearful 

And  dizzy  'tis,  to  cast  one's  eyes  so  low!" 


A  FELLOW  in  Ohio,  who  was  taken  up  by  the  Demo 
crats,    as   a  testifier    against    General    Harrison,    has 
run  away^  and  nobody  can  catch  him.     Isn't  he  a  swift 
witness  ? 

A  DEMOCRATIC  editor  in  Ohio  says  that  he  concedes 
Licking  County  to  the  Whigs.  We  thank  him,  and,  not 
to  be  outdone  in  generosity,  will  give  the  Democrats  a  dozen 
lickings  for  that  one. 


ANEW  Democratic  paper  in  North  Carolina  is  called  the 
"  Rising  Day."     It  ought  rather  to  be  called  the  Night, 
for  it  is  the  shadow  of  the  [  Washington}  Globe. 


THE  "Richmond  Enquirer"  calls  us  "a  miserable  calumni 
ator."    He,  on  the  contrary,  is  a  first-rate  one.    Practice 
makes  perfect . 


PEENTICEANA.  33 

mjIE  " —  Argus"  says  that  "Senator  B.  is  always 

•*•  determined  to  go  to  the  bottom  of  every  subject  he  dis 
cusses."  Just  now  he  is  discussing  the  Mississippi  River. 
When  will  he  go  to  the  bottom  of  it  ? 


A  MAN"  in  Iowa  had  his  nose  bitten  off  the  other  day  in 
•f*  an  affray  begun  by  himself.  Of  course  he  is  in  no 
clanger  of  being  indicted  for  getting  up  the  quarrel.  Any 
grand  jury  that  may  have  to  examine  his  case  and  face  will 
have  to  report  "  No  bill  found." 


"  Missouri  Gazette  "  charges  that  we  "  hate  to  meet 
the  truth."     "We  never  do  meet  it ;  we  and  the  truth 
always  travel  in  the  same  direction. 


MR.  JOHN  LOVE,  of  Alabama,  was  recently  lost  during 
a  passage  from  Texas  to  Mexico.     We  had  supposed 
that  no  "  Love  "  would  ever  be  lost  between  those  countries. 


IE   "Eastern    Telegraph"   boasts    that    two   brothers 
named  Prince,  have  deserted  the  Whig  ranks  and  joined 
the  Democrats.     "  Put  not  your  trust  in  Princes." 


rFIIE  editor  of  the  " Argus"  professes  to  have 

-   "  taken  the  measure "  of  his  party.     Now  let  him  go, 
and  bespeak  its  coffin. 


A  BEAUTIFUL  young  girl  has  just  sent  us  a  basket  of 
**•  fruit,  the  very  sight  of  which,  she  thinks,  must  make  us 
smack  our  lips.  We  thank  her,  and  would  greatly  prefer 
smacking  hers. 

2* 


34  PEENTIOEANA. 

WE  learn  from  a  New  York  paper  that  Senator , 
while  crossing  the  lake  last  week,  came  near  being 
drowned.  'Tis  well  that  he  did  not  find  a  grave  of  water. 
His  body  could  not  have  rested  quietly  in  an  element  so  un 
natural  to  it.  A  red-nosed  ghost  would  have  been  seen 
wandering  perpetually  in  the  pale  moonlight. 


A  PENNSYLVANIA  paper  inquires  why  Judge  H.,  of 
Cincinnati,  abandoned  the  Whig  party?     Because  he 
was  appointed  cashier  of  one  of  the  administration's  pet 
banks.    He  never  would  have  left  our  party  if  he  hadn't  got 
into  a  pet. 

THE  Hon.  Mr. ,  of  Indiana,  exclaimed,  in  a  late  speech : 
"  I  am  always  ready  to  fight  for  the  working  class  ;  they 
are  the  bone  and  sinew  of  the  country."     What  dog  is  not 
ready  to  fight  for  a  bone  f 


IN  one  of  the  strong  Jackson  counties  of  North  Carolina, 
the  Democrats,  in  the  late  canvass,  put  Mr.  J.  Goe  upon 
their  ticket.     He  was  a  popular  man,  but  the  result  was  no 

Goe. 

— »-•-. — 

M   A  ND  so  you  have  married  a  Mr.  Penny,"  said  a  gentle- 
JL*-  man  to  a  lady  of  his  acquaintance.  "  No,  Mr.  Pence." 
"  Ah,  you  have  done  better  than  I  thought." 


may  wish  to  get  a  wife  without  a  failing ;  but  what 
JL  if  the  lady,  after  you  find  her,  happens  to  be  in  want  of 
a  husband  of  the  same  character ! 


THE  "  Winchester  Virginian  "  says  that  "  the  administra 
tion  has  listened  attentively  to  the  expression  of  public 
sentiment."     Like  other  listeners,  it  has  heard  no  good  of 
itself. 


PEENTIOEANA.  35 

4  DEMOCRATIC  paper  in  North  Carolina  says :  "  The 
J\.  Whigs,  during  the  last  six  months,  have  been  gaining 
some  advantages,  but  the  changes  of  the  next  six  months 
will  be  the  other  way."  Does  North  Carolina,  like  the 
North  Pole,  have  six  months  day  and  six  months  night  ? 


OUR  neighbor is    still  arguing  against  the  credit 
system.     Let  him  try  to  get  credit  anywhere  to  the 
amount  of  five  dollars,  and  he  will  find  that  his  arguments 
are  considered  perfectly  conclusive. 


THEY  say  there  is  a  man  in  North  Carolina  whose  body 
attracts  silk  at  the  distance  of  eighteen  inches.    We  are 
told  that  the  editor  of  the  "  North  Kentuckian  "  attracts 
hemp  at  the  distance  of  fifty  yards. 


"Pennsylvania  Democrat"  asks,  whether  Senator 
•*•  B.  will  ever  receive  justice  at  the  hands  of  his  opponents. 
The  senator  himself  might  well  reply — "  I'll  be  hanged  if  I 
do." 

MR.  BEAN,  of  Yazoo  county,  Miss.,  was  robbed  on  the 
highway.     A  footpad  met  him  and  said,  "  Your  money 
or  your  life."     Bean  shelled  out. 


AMR.  DORR  has  declined  a  challenge  in  Missouri.     He 
says  he  will  "  fight  under  no  circumstances."     He  is  no 

battle-door. 

•-•-« — 

1)ROBABLY  the  reason  why  women's  teeth  decay  sooner 
than  men's  is  not  the  perpetual  friction  of  their  tongues 
upon  the  pearl,  but  rather  the  intense  sweetness  of  their 
lips. 


36  PKENTICEANA. 

OENATOR  1ST.  says  in  his  last  speech— "I  shall  plant 
U  myself  upon  two  grounds."  "We  hope  he  will  plant 
himself  so  deep  that  there  will  be  no  danger  of  his  coming 
up.  The  crop  would  be  worth  nothing. 


IF  any  lady  chooses  to  be  ill-natured  toward  us,  we  are 
disposed  to  say  to  her  in  bold  defiance  of  consequences, 
Madam,  you  are  "  no  gentleman." 


"  TS  it  possible,  miss,  that  you  do  not  know  the  names  of 
J-  some  of  your  best  friends  ?"      "  Certainly — I   don't 
even  know  what  my  own  may  be  a  year  from  now." 


ANY  general  can  get  an  army  trumped  up  in  five  minutes 
— if  he  has  a  dozen  trumpeters  to  puff  and  blow  for 
him. 


THE  "  Advertiser  "  asks,  when  the  Whigs  will  exhibit  the 
J-  cloven  foot.  Just  when  we  take  the  Democracy  by  the 
shoulder  and  jerk  it  out  of  its  boots. 


DO  wish,  madam,  you  would  pay  a  little  attention  to 
me  for  a  few  minutes."     "  Most  gladly  sir,  if  you  will 
only  promise  to  stop  paying  attention  to  me." 


1 


R.  J.  S.  FALL,  a  Mississippi  editor,  asks  when  we  shall 
get  wise.     Undoubtedly  before  Mill  if  ever. 


"  Georgia  Constitutionalist"  says,  that  "the  snow- 
-L  white  plume  of  the  Democratic  party  will  wave  amid 
the  battle."  We  have  no  doubt  that  the  party  will  show 
the  white  feather. 


P  B  E  N  T  I  0  K  A  X  A  .  37 

WE  have    received  a  furious  letter  from  Thomas  Pott 
of  Mississippi.     He  threatens  our  life.     There  is  evi 
dently  "  death  in  the  Pot." 


MR.  DAY  of  Colchester  has  brought  an  action  against  his 
neighbor  for  stealing  his  dog.      No  doubt  he  thinks 
that  every  dog  should  have  his  day,  and  every  Day  his  dog. 


MR.  S.  W.  PADD,  advertises  that  he  has  lost  his  horse. 
We  hope  he'll  not  have  to  turn  foot-Pad. 


rilHE  editor  of  the  "  New  Hampshire  Patriot,"  says,  that  a 
-L  dog  lately  passed  through  his  town  "  in  a  rabid  state." 
We  are  afraid  that  all  the  New  Hampshire  dogs  are  in  a 
rabid  State.  ___ 

^ 

l£»YV7ILLyou  have  the  kindness  to  hand  me  the  butter 
'  1    before  you  ?"  said  a  gentleman  politely  at  table  to 
an  ancient  maiden.     "  I  am  no  waiter,  sir."    "  Well,  I  think 
you  have  been  waiting  a  long  time." 


A 


LOCO   FOCO  editor,  says  he  has  branded  us.     He 
rather  seems  to  have  brandied  himself. 


HENRY  A.  RHULE  says,  in  .  a  Mississippi  paper, 
that  he  has  "  worked  zealously  for  the  administration." 
Now  let  him  turn  and  work  faithfully  against  it.  'Tis  a 
poor  Rule  that  won't  work  both  ways. 


~|\/TR.  WORD  of  Mississippi  will,  we  think,  get  the  seat  in 
J-'-L  Congress  to  which  he  has  been  fairly  elected.  The 
House  is  a  talking  body,  but  Mississippi  will  probably  be 


able  to  thrust  in  a  Word  edgewise. 


38  PEENTICEANA. 

AN"  impudent  anonymous  correspondent,  signing  himself 
"  Ned  Bucket,"  expresses  the  wish  that  we  were  dead. 
Very  well — let  him  show  himself  in  person,  and  we  pledge 
ourselves  to  "  kick  the  Bucket." 


THE  persons  who  are  supposed  to  have  taken  the  most 
interest  in  the  late  financial  pressure  were  the  money 
lenders. 


MR.  H.  LYON,  in  a  speech  before  the  New  York  Legis 
lature,  asserted  that  the  Whigs  are  seeking  the  ruin  of 
the  country.     Mr.  Lamb  of  the  "  Lansingburgh   Gazette  " 
indorses  the  slander.     Thus  is  the  prophecy  fulfilled — the 
Lyon  and  the  Lamb  shall  lie  together. 


THE  editor  of  the  " Enquirer"  says  that  Gen. 
Jackson  is  his  friend  ;  but  that  truth  is  more  his  friend. 
If  truth  is  really  the   editor's  friend,  it  literally  obeys  the 
divine  command — "  love  your  enemies." 


"T^ESTERDAY  we  heard  an  old  fisherman  upon  the  banks 
J-  of  the  river  complain,  that  the  boys  had  stolen  his  min 
nows.  We  suppose  the  little  rascals  hooked  the  bait,  to 
bait  their  hooks. 


SOME  judges  commit  a  great  many  crimes!,  yet  very  sel 
dom   diversify  the  employment  by  committing   crimi 
nals. 


have  an  old  maiden  acquaintance  who  sits  twelve 
hours  in  the  day  with  a  green  parrot  upon  her  shoul 
ders.     "We  don't  much  like  such  Poll-bearers. 


PRENTICEANA.  39 

"  Illinois  editor  says,  that  his  soul  is  harrowed.     The 
labor  is  thrown  away.      The  soil  is  not  worth  cultivat- 


\s 

V  AST  evening  we  chanced  to  see  a  pair  of  interesting 
-L^  lovers  kissing  at  an  open  lattice.  Young  people !  that 
was  very  improper  lattice-work. 


A  N"  author,  ridiculing  the  idea  of  ghosts,  asks,  how  a  dead 
•£*•  man  can  get  into  a  locked  room.  Probably  with  a 
skeleton-key. 


^  ou  won    try  to    eep  y°ur 

temper."     "  My  dear  husband,  I  wish  you  would  try 
to  get  rid  of  yours."  ^« 


"  Advertiser  "  says,  that   "  the  Democratic  party  is 
-   in  motion."     So  was  Vulcan  when  Jupiter  kicked  him 
out  of  heaven. 

TUDGE  IL,  recently  appointed  cashier  of  the  Pet  Bank  at 
*'  Cincinnati,  has  gone  over  to  the  administration.  He 
adhered  to  the  Whig  party  till  he  was  cashiered. 


IF  a  miscreant  sets  a  stain  upon  your  character,  you  can't 
wash  it   away  with   his  blood ;    the   foul  fluid  would 
pollute  rather  than  purify. 


A  NEW  YORK  paper  says,  that  Mr.  Van  Bur  en  "  never 
-£*•  turned  his  back  upon  a  friend  ;"  but  it  should  have  been 
added  that  he  never  turned  his  face  upon  an  enemy. 


THHE  editor  of wishes  to  run  for   Congress.     The 

J-   only  great  run  he  ever  made  was  the  one  for  his  life  at 
the  battle  of  the  Thames. 


40 


PKENTICEANA 


TV/TAJOR  J.  C.  M.,  formerly  of  Kentucky,  and  now  editor 
L  of  a  Democratic  paper  in  Tennessee,  says  that  he  "  can 
show  a  clean  pair  of  hands."      "We  can  testify  to  his  once 
having  shown  a  clean  pair  of  heels. 


THE  aggregate   weight  of  a  late  jury  of  twelve  men  in 
Indiana  was  stated  to  be  2,832  pounds.     Just  think  of  a 
poor  fellow's  being  tried  by  2,832  pounds  avoirdupois  of 
jury.     It  would  seem  fitter  that  the  jury  itself  should  be 
tried — by  the  tallow-chandler. 


A  CONTEMPORARY  wants    to    know    in  what  age 
women   have  been  held  in   the  highest  esteem.     We 
don't  know.      But  certainly  fashionable  ladies  fill  a  larger 
space  in  the  world  now  than  they  ever  did  before. 


THE  New  York  subterraneans  have  passed  a  resolution, 
declaring  that  they  will  "  never  consent  to  have  a  sove 
reign."     No  doubt  they  will  keep  their  resolution ;  they 
will  never  have  half  that  amount  among  them. 


]\/TR.  FLINT,  of  the  "Eastern  Sentinel,"  is  impudent.  We 
J-'-L  have  half  a  mind  to  become  a  "  Skin-Flint  "  for  once  in 
our  lives.  

THE  "  Newbern  Sentinel "  says  that,  in  a  late  trial  in  one 
of  the  interior  counties  of  North  Carolina,  the  jurors 
were  stowed  away  six  days  and  nights,  in  a  room  six  feet 
by  eight.     That  was  a  "  packed  jury." 


THE  "  Baltimore  Patriot "  asks  what  measures  Senator 
will  go  for.     Rumor  says  that  he  pokes  his  nose  into 
measures  calculated  to  destroy  the  constitution. 


PKENTICEANA.  41 

A  POLITICAL  editor  says  that  "the  national  treasury 
-£*•  seems  to  be  running  away  like  a  thing  with  legs." 
One  would  think  that  it  must  have  a  good  many  legs  from 
the  number  of  drawers  upon  it. 


f  THERE  is  no  music  sweeter  to  our  ears  than  the  first 
J-  peeping  of  the  frogs  in  the  early  spring-time.  We 
never  listen  to  them  without  heartily  wishing  them  a  safe 
deliverance  from  all  mischievous  boys  and  hungry  French 
men. 


I  1ST   Arkansas,   a  man   stone-blind  is   said  to  have  been 
appointed  to  the  bench.     The  fact  that  justice  is  blind  is 
hardly  a  good  reason  why  her  ministers  should  be  so  too. 


A  MAN"  in  the  interior  of  Kentucky  has  brought  suit 
-ft-  against  his  neighbor  for  bruising  his  shins.  If  the  jury 
award  damages,  they  should  order  the  amount  to  be  paid 
in  shin-plasters* 


rnilE  "Northern  Mercury"  thinks  that  Kentucky  is  "but 
-*•  a  short  distance  this  side  of  the  bottomless  pit."  If  Ken 
tucky  is  this  side  of  the  pit,  the  editor  of  the  "  Mercury  " 
may  "  go  further  and  fare  worse." 


A  COUPLE  of  Democrats  in  Cincinnati  are  having  a  vio- 
a •*•  lent  contest  for  the  Legislature,  one  of  them  coaxing 
his  party  by  the  music  of  his  fiddle,  and  the  other  treating 
them  liberally  out  of  his  snuff-box.  The  result  will  go  far 
to  settle  the  question  whether  Democrats  are  more  easily 
led  by  the  ears  or  the  nose. 

*  A  prevalent  currency  in  the  panic  year  of  1837. 


4:2  PEENTIOEANA. 

A  YOUNG-  man  in  Alabama  undertook  for  a  wager  to 
leap  down  a  bank  fifteen  feet  high  and  killed  himself  in 
the  act.     This  was  one  way  of  "jumping  to  a  conclusion." 


A  PHILADELPHIA  editor  predicts  that  the  two  Demo- 
-L*-  cratic  factions  in  that  State  "  will  be  as  loving  as  tur 
tles."  Snapping-turtles,  we  suppose. 


~TT7~E  presume  it  will  not  be  denied  that  he  is  a  bad  agent, 
»  '     who,  instead  of  doing  the  business  of  his  employer, 
does  him. 


editors  of  the  New  York  -  have  been  indicted 
•*•  for  breaking  open  an  important  letter  and  purloining  its 
contents  for  publication.  Their  object  was  to  obtain  infor 
mation  upon  the  subject  of  stocks;  and  they  are  in  a  fair 
way  to  become  as  familiar  with  the  stocks  as  they  can  possi 
bly  desire. 

fTHE  "  New  York  Commercial  "  thinks,  that  at  least  two 
•*•  or  three  hundred  postmasters  ought  to  be  put  to  cut 
ting  stone  in  the  penitentiary.,  A  good  many  of  them  have 
recently  fled  their  country  ;  to  keep  from  cutting  stone,  they 
have  "  cut  dirt." 

THE  editor  of  the  "  East  Hampton  Courier  "  boasts  that 
"  there  are  more  Van  Buren  men  in  his  county  than  you 
can  shake  a  stick  at."     Certainly  there  are  not  more  than 
ought  to  have  sticks  shaken  at  them. 


ONE  of  the  editors  of  the  "  Green  River  Union  "  is  part 
preacher,  part  steam-doctor,  and  part  politician.     How 
do  our  Green  River  friends  relish  such  a  jumble  of  piety, 
red-pepper,  and  politics  ? 


PEENTICEANA.  43 

rjlIIE  "  New  Bedford  Gazette,"  inquires  whether  the  Post- 
•*•  master  General  is  deranged.  We  don't  know;  cer 
tainly  his  department  is. 


"HASHIONABLE  riding-habits  are  very  pretty,  but  un- 
J-  fashionable  walking  habits  are  pretty,  too,  and  a  great 
deal  better  for  the  health. 


"ITTE  have  received  a  North  Carolina  paper,  purporting  to 
' '     be  edited  by  "James  White  Ainsley  Moore."    Instead 
of  J.  White  A.  Moore,  he  should  have  been  christened  J. 
JJlack-A-Mo  or. 

A  REPORT  was  recently  in  circulation  of  the  death  of  the 
Secretary  of  State  of  Illinois.  An  Illinois  paper  says, 
however,  that  he  is  "  alive  and  kicking."  Three  or  four 
months  ago  he  was  in  this  city.  We  know  that  he  was  alive 
then,  and  one  of  our  Democratic  lawyers  knows  that  he  was 
"  kicking." 

A  COUPLE   of  old   maids  the   other  day  sent  a  bache 
lor  a  bouquet  of  tansy  and  wormwood.  He  thought  the 
gift  considerably  sweeter  than  the  givers. 


TF  philanthropy  is  properly  defined  to  be  a  love  of  mankind, 
J-  most  women  have  an  unequivocal  title  to  be  considered 
philanthropists.  

A  WESTERN  editor  talks  of  giving  in  one  of  his  columns 
the  fibs  of  his  neighbor.     We  presume  that  the  other 
twenty-three  columns  are  to  be  filled  with  his  own. 


HEN"  a  man  has  no  design  but  to  speak  plain  truth,  lie 
isn't  apt  to  be  talkative. 


44  PEENTICEANA. 

TT  is  an  undeniable  truth  that  the  Africans,  let  them  go  to 
J-  whatever  part  of  the  world  they  may,  retain  more  une 
quivocally  than  any  other  people  the  odor  of  nationality. 


A  BUFFALO    paper    tells   us   that   Gen.    Jackson   fills 
the  measure  of  his  country's   glory,   and   asks   what 
Mr.  Van  Buren  has  done.    Filled  the  measure  of  his  pockets. 


BILL  JOHNSON,  of  the  " Times,"  says  that 
Gen.   Harrison's    private   character  is  not   reputable. 
That's  a  lie-Bill. 

THE  editor  of  the  " Democrat "  says  that  he 
doesn't  know  us,  and  never  expects  to  meet  us  on  this 
side  of  the  grave.     We  shall  think  ourselves  in  particularly 
bad  luck  if  we  meet  him  on  the  other  side. 


A  FRIEND  of  ours,  who  has  been  hesitating  whether  to 
keep  a  matrimonial  engagement,  informs  us  that  he  has 
at  last  bespoken  his  wedding   suit.     He  evidently,  on  the 
whole,  prefers  a  suit  for  the  fulfillment  of  his  promise  to  a 
suit  for  breach  of  it. 

WHEN  we  hear  men  boast  of  their  own  talents,  we  incline 
to  think  that  their  talents  should  be  reckoned  as  the 
East  Indians  reckon  rupees — by  the  lack. 


A  MILITIA  officer  in  Texas  boasts,  through  the  papers, 
that  his  men  "  would  rally  at  the  tapping  of  the  drum." 
Perhaps  they  would  rally  more  promptly  at  the  tapping  of 
a  keg. 


T 


HE  "  Missiskowan  Standard  "  threatens  to  put  our  ears  in 
peril.     Don't,  Mrs.  Kowan. 


PBENTICEANA.  4:5 

^  TT7ELL,  George,"  asked  a  friend  of  a  young  lawyer, 
''     "how  do  you  like  your  profession?"  "Alas,  sir,  my 
profession  is  much  better  than  my  practice." 


editor  of  the  "  Advertiser  "  says,  in  his  new  prospec- 
tus,  that  he  means  to  have  nothing  more  to  say  to  us  or 
about  us.  Well,  if  he  is  resolved  to  play  dummy,  we  shall 
not  again  put  him  to  the  torture  ;  we  cannot  be  cruel  to 
dumb  creatures. 

A  MAN"  in  battle  is  not  allowed  to  whistle  to  keep  his 
•£*-  courage  up,  and  the  whistling  of  the  bullets  doesn't  have 
that  tendency. 


Great  Author  of  All  made  everything  out  of  nothing, 
but  many  a  human  author  makes  nothing  out  of  every 

thing. 

¥E  are  often  told  to  imitate  nature.     Still  we  should  not 
imitate  her  too  literally.     We  needn't  dress  in  green 
velvet  through  the  summer,  because  she  does. 


T'WO  classes  of  people  are  always  out  of  debt — those  who 
never  want  to  buy  what  they  haven't  money  in  hand  to 
pay  for,  and  those  who  are  such  notorious  rascals  that  they 
can't  get  trusted. 

IN  Indiana,  the  other  day,  a  brute  of  a  man  kicked  his 
•*•  wife.  The  indignant  neighbors  assembled,  and  made  a 
jackass  kick  him.  The  wife  was  kicked  by  the  much  baser 
beast  of  the  two. 


A  TENNESSEE  editor  says  of  the  banks  in  that  State 
-t*-  that  their  sands  are  running  fast.  We  hope  he  means 
the  sand-banks. 


46  PRENTICEANA. 


I 


•T  is  a  bad  thing  to  be  over-wifed.     Better  have  no  ap 
pointment  than  get  a  place  under  petticoat  government. 


A  POLITE  editor  over  the  river  proposes  "  to  direct  the 
•£*•  Whigs  on  their  road  to  perdition."  He  is  just  tit  for  a 
guide-post  upon  that  road. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Advertiser  "  says  that  he  was  the  first 
to  apply  to  Gen.  Harrison  the  title  of  the  "Hero  of  Tip- 
pecanoe,"  and  that  he  applied  it  ironically.  The  title  of  the 
Lion-Hearted  was  first  given  to  King  Richard  by  his  own 
harlequin,  yet  it  was  worn  most  proudly.  Though  given  by 
a  fool,  it  was  borne  by  a  hero. 


AN  ill-natured  correspondent  of  a  neighboring  paper  says 
we  have  no  shame.     True,  we  have  none,  and  he  has 
none — he,  because  he  has  lost  his  sense  of  shame;  and  we, 
because  we  do  nothing  to  be  ashamed  of. 


A  GENTLEMAN  in  a  neighboring  town  set  his  dog  the 
other  day  upon  an  intruder,  and  advertised  the  latter 
the  next  morning.     It  is  hard  to  say  whether  his  dog  or  his 


advertisement  is  the  most  biting. 


IT  is,  perhaps,  a  debateable  question,  whether  a  person  who 
has  always  been  notoriously  in  the  habit  of  lying,  has  a 
right  to  tell  the  truth.     It  is,  of  course,  the  only  device  by 
which  he  can  deceive  people. 


A  DULL  and  voluminous  European  author  has  published 
what  he  calls  "  A  Tale  of  the  Great  Plague."     To  our 
mind  all  the  tales  of  that  author  are  tales  of  a  great  plague. 


PKENTIOEANA.  4:7 

O  HAKSPEARE  has  written  that  "  Uneasy  lies  the  head 
V  that  wears  a  crown."  Many  a  poor  fellow,  that  has  sur 
vived  a  scalping  by  the  savages,  has,  no  doubt,  thought  that 
uneasier  lies  the  head  that  doesn^t  wear  a  crown. 


AN"  English  paper  says  that  hides  are  exceedingly  scarce 
in  Great  Britain.     We  sincerely  hope  that  our  British 
friends  have  one  a  piece,  though  that's  more  than  some  of 
them  deserve. 

THE  "  Detroit  Gazette  "  says  that  the  administration  will 
make  everything  go  on  very  melodiously  at  "Washington 
as  soon  as  they  get  the  right  pitch.    They  never  will  get  the 
right  pitch  until  the  people  pitch  them  into  the  Potomac. 


MR.  AND  MRS.  BREWER,  of  Wayne  County,  have 
-  twenty-two  children.     Theirs  is,  perhaps,  the  most  ex 
tensive  brewery  in  the  West. 


"  T  MEAN"  to  abandon  my  habits  of  life,"  said  a  dissipated 
-L  gentleman.     "Are  you  sure,  sir,  that  they  are  not 
abandoned  enough  already  ?" 


A  MISSOURI  editor  says  that  a  sportsman  recently  shot 
in  that  State  "  a  bird  with  four  legs."    We  guess  that 

it  was  a  canard. 

•-•-, 

^  HAN'T  we  make  y  our  lover  jealous>  miss?"     "  Oh,  yes, 
J  sir,  I-  think  we  can,  if  we  put  our  heads  together." 


TTTE  know  a  modest  tailor  who  institutes  more  suits  than 
'»     any  half  dozen  lawyers  of  our  acquaintance.    And  his 
suits  cover  nakedness,  while  theirs  expose  it. 


48  PBENTIOEANA. 

ft  YTTHAT  do  you  think  of  Bub  ?"  said  a  doting  mother, 
'  V    presenting  her  bad  brat  to  a  friend.     "  I  think  he  is 
a  silly-bub,  and  ought  to  be  a  whipped  silly-bub." 


THE  " Advertiser"  says  that  "the  sword  has  been 
married  to  the  purse."  True,  but  he  has  had  the  misfor 
tune  to  lose  his  wife.* 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Constitutionalist"  claims  that  his  path 
"  lies  in  a  straight  line."  Certainly  it  doesn't ;  but  if  he 
pursue  it  much  longer,  it  may  bring  him  to  a  straight  line. 


THE  "  Trenton  Emporium "  says,  that  the  people  would 
be  perfectly  satisfied  with  the  administration,  were  it  not 
for  the  Whig  presses  and  Whig  Members  of  Congress.  No 
doubt  the  administration  might  pass  itself  off  as  marvellously 
pure,  if  there  were  nobody  to  expose  its  corruptions.  "  I'm 
sure,"  exclaimed  a  slatternly  old  woman,  "  that  my  house 
would  be  clean  enough  if  it  were  not  for  the  ugly  sun  which 
is  always  showing  the  dirty  corners." 


QLANDERS  issuing  from  red  and  beautiful  lips,  are 
^  like  foul  and  ugly  spiders  crawling  from  the  blush 
ing  heart  of  a  rose. 

fTlHE  "Vermont  Statesman"  asks  why  we  do  not  tickle 
-A-  the  Democratic  editors  occasionally  with  the  feather-end 
of  our  quill,  instead  of  running  them  through  and  through 
with  the  point  of  it.  We  can  give  as  good  a  reason  as  the 
sailor  gave  for  stabbing  with  his  sword  a  cross  mastiff  that 
had  tried  to  bite  him.  "  Why  did  you  not  strike  him  with  the 
hilt  of  your  sword?"  inquired  the  owner  of  the  mastiff.  "So 
I  would,  if  the  beast  had  run  at  me  with  his  tail." 

*  At  this  time,  all  the  deposit  banks  of  the  government  were  broken. 


PKENTICEANA.  49 

HIKE  "  Baltimore  Republican  "  says  that  "  Col. is 

•*•  always  cool  in  the  midst  of  danger."  Probably  he  gets 
an  ague. 

TPHE  editor  of  the  "  Democrat "  says  that  if  the  wounds 
-*•  he  has  given  us  smart  much,  he  will  "try  to  cure  them 
by  future  lickings."  Well,  the  smart  of  a  sore  is  assuaged 
by  the  licking  of  a  dog. 


editor  of  a  Pennsylvania  paper  says  that  he  once  saw 
-   stripes  publicly  inflicted  upon  a  man  in  Rhode  Island  for 
petty  larceny.     We  wonder  if  he  didn't  feel  them  too? 


WHEN"   all  around   us  is  drear   and   dark,  the  hidden 
glories  of  heaven  may  be  caught  in  a  tear  trembling 
upon  the  eyelid  and  pictured  vividly  and  beautifully  upon 
the  soul. 

SOME  dogs  are  kept  about  houses  simply  to  give  the  alarm 
at  the  approach  of  burglars.      Like  certain  spice-trees, 
they  are  valued  only  for  their  bark. 


THE  "  Beaver   Argus "  records  the  marriage  of   John 
Coburn,  only  three  feet  high.     No  wonder  he  wanted 
to  get  spliced. 

TFHE  "Philadelphia  Enquirer"  says  that  Mr.  B.,  who 
A  boasted  that  he  was  the  President's  "  collar  dog,"  has 
been  upset  in  his  race  for  Congress  by  Mr.  Pitcher.  No, 
the  dog  has  upset  the  Pitcher  this  time. 


E    "Vermont  Statesman"  says  that  Democracy  has 
nothing  to  hope  for  in  this  world — that  it  "must  look  to 
heaven."    It  "  smells  to  heaven  "  already. 

3 


50  PBENTICEANA. 

RHODE    ISLAND   has    declined   to   reelect  Dutee   J. 
Pearce  to  Congress.     She  has  discharged  her  Dutee. 


THE  "  Richmond  Enquirer"  says  that  "it  is  time  for  the 
people  to  open  their  mouths."     But  if  the  present  policy 
of  the  administration  be  continued,  will  the  people  have 
anything  to  put  in  their  mouths  after  they  are  open  ? 


THE  editor  of  the  " Sentinel"  offers  us  the 
pipe  of  peace.  He  must  excuse  us  ;  we  never  smoke. 
He  proposes  to  extend  his  hand  to  all  his  political  oppo 
nents.  We  shall  be  glad  to  have  him  extend  it  to  us  pro 
vided  it  contain  the  little  sum  which  he  owed  us  when  he 
ran  away  from  our  office. 


THE  "  Globe "   says  that  "  facts  are  stubborn  things." 
Yes,  an^.  so  are  jackasses ;  hence  the  Washington  edi 
tor  arid  his  facts  are  alike  stubborn. 


A  MISSISSIPPI  editor  threatens  to  "  put  a  full  stop  " 
over  each  of  our  eyes.      Let  him  try  it ;  while  he  is 
putting  his  full  stops  over  our  eyes,  we  shall  put  his  nose  in 

a  parenthesis. 

— *-•-» — 

THE  "  Globe"  says  that  "  Mr.  Clay  is  a  sharp  politician." 
No   doubt  of  it,  but  the  editor  of   the  "  Globe  "  is  a 
sharper. 

A  CORRESPONDENT  of  a  Cincinnati  paper  says  that 
**•  he  lately  put  himself  under  the  care  of  a  doctor,  and  in 
less  than  one  week  was  "  altogether  another  man."  We 
don't  know  but  that  we  have  several  acquaintances,  who 
would  do  well  to  patronize  that  doctor. 


PRENTICEANA.  51 

TT/TE  once  had  a  female  correspondent  who  wrote :  "  When 
' '  two  hearts  are  surcharged  with  love's  electricity,  a  kiss 
is  the  burning  contact,  the  wild  leaping  flame,  of  love's 
enthusiasm."  This  is  certainly  very  pretty,  but  a  flash  of 
electricity  is  altogether  too  brief  to  give  a  correct  idea  of 
a  truly  delicious  kiss.  We  agree  with  Byron  that  the 
"  strength  "  of  a  kiss  is  generally  "  measured  by  its  length." 
Still  there  should  be  a  limit,  and  we  really  think  that  Mrs. 
Browning,  strong-minded  woman  though  she  is,  transcends 
all  reasonable  limits  in  her  notion  of  a  kiss's  duration.  Why, 
she  talks,  in  her  "  Aurora  Leigh,"  of  a  kiss — 

"  As  long  and  silent  as  the  ecstatic  night." 

That  indeed  must  be  "  linked  sweetness "  altogether  too 
"  long  drawn  out." 


A  CONTEMPORARY  exclaims  in  an  exceedingly  elo- 
-£*•  quent  piece  of  writing,  "  If  the  dead  could  speak  to  us 
from  their  graves,  what  would  they  say?"  We  guess  they 
would  say,  "  Let  us  out." 


TT7IS  know  some  men,  who,  when  they  are  perplexed  in 
*  *    argument,  get  out  just  as  poor  debtors  sometimes  get 
out  of  jail — they  swear  out. 


1  FEN  who  boast  loudly  that  they  show  no  quarters  are 
-L'J-  nearly  certain,  in  times  of  danger,  to  show  none  but 
their  hind  ones. 


THE  "  Winchester  Virginian  "  predicts,  that,  if  Mr.  Clay 
go  again  into  the  Senate,  he  will  encounter  a  storm  of 
opposition.     Let  the  storm  come.     It  will  but  develop  the 
energies  of  the  country's  master-mind. 

"  The  storms  thdt  sweep  the  mountain  side 
Will  lay  the  rich  mine  bare." 


52  PKENTIOEANA. 

¥E  were  considerably  amused  by  an  account  that  we 
lately  saw  of  a  remarkable  duel.     There  were  six  men 
upon  the  ground  and  six  misses. 


fTlHE  "Albany  Argus"  says  that  the  vote  of  Albany 
J-  county  shows  that  Mr.  Van  Buren  is  admired  at  home. 
All  sensible  men  admire  him  infinitely  more  atr  home  than 
they  do  at  Washington  in  the  public  service. 


1/TR.  JOSEPH  SEGAR,  candidate  for  the  Legislature, 
-L*-L  attempted  to  pass  himself  off  as  a  Whig,  but  the  peo 
ple  have  smoked  him. 

rTHE  editor  of  the  "  Southern  Argus  "  says  that  he  doesn't 
-L  like  to  hear  puppies  barking  at  him  when  he  speaks. 
He's  right ;  one  at  a  time. 


A  CORRESPONDENT  of  the  "Southern  Argus"  men 
tions  as  a  remarkable  circumstance,  that  he  lately  tra 
velled  a  hundred  miles  with  a  Whig  editor  without  having 
his  pocket  picked.     He  is  careful  not  to  say  whether  the 
editor  made  a  similar  escape. 


THE   "Alabama  Journal"  says  that  "Mr.  Fox,   of  the 
House  of  Representatives,  is  full  of  fire."     Fox-fire,  we 
presume. 

rnilE  editor  of  the  new  Van  Buren  paper  at  New  Albany 
-L  may  have  been  bred  to  politics,  as  he  says  he  has,  but 
politics  will  never  be  bread  to  him. 


AT  LOOMIS,  of  the  "  Southern  Argus,"  may  abuse  us 
as  much  as  he  pleases.     We  war  not  with  gnats. 


PBENTICEANA.  53 

A  BALTIMORE  paper  says  that  our  representative  at  the 
last  dates  was  "  tearing   the  hair  from  the  head  of  the 
administration."     We  know  his  mode  of  doing  such  things, 
and  have  no  doubt  that   he  will  soon  leave  the  administra 
tion  without  any  hair  apparent. 


A  MEMBER  of  the  Virginia  Legislature  compares  Sena- 
-£!•  tor  -  to  Jason,  the  leader  of  the  ancient  Argo 
nauts,  who  bore  off  the  golden  fleece.  We  do  not  exactly 
see  the  force  of  the  comparison.  Did  the  senator  ever 
steal  a  sheep  ? 

A  SWEET  girl  is  a  sort  of  divinity,  to  whom  even  the 
Scriptures  themselves  do  not  forbid  us  to  render  "  lip- 


servce. 


" 


¥E  received  a  note  yesterday  from  the  "  old  maids  of 
Shelby  "  requesting  that  they  may  be  invited  to  the 
bachelors'  ball  in  this  city.     We  guess  the  dear  old  things 
are  begging  the  question. 


THE  "  Vermont  Statesman  "  asks  how  it  happened  that 
Mr. ,  was  not  hung  long  ago.     He  is  naturally  a 

"  scape-gallows." 

THE   editor  of  the  "  Plaindealer "  abuses  the  President. 
He  calls  him  "  a  man  with  a    single  principle."      No 
wonder  the  two  cannot  agree — the  one  being  a  man  with 
a  single  principle,  and  the  other  without. 


THE  editor  of  the  "Gallatin  Union"  calls  our  Journal 
-1-  "  wrapping-paper."  He  himself  knows,  from  the  sores 
on  his  head,  that  it  is  the  best  rapping -paper  in  the  country. 


54:  PEENTIC  EANA. 


"Buffalo  Whig"  says  that  "  the  office-holders  pre- 
-•-  scribe  gold  as  a  cure  for  all  the  distresses  of  the  country." 
If  so,  they  are  queer  physicians.  They  present  the  singular 
spectacle  of  a  set  of  doctors  stealing  the  medicine  of  their 
patients. 

THE  "  Hartford  Times  "  says  that  "  nothing  but  the  ghost 
of  the  Whig  party  is  to  be  seen  in  Connecticut."     We 
supposed  that  a  ghost  had  been  seen  in  that  State.     The 
lights  there,  as  is  said  to  be  always  the  case  in  a  ghost's 
presence,  are  getting  to  "  burn  blue." 


HHHE  "Winchester  Virginian"  thinks  that  R.  M.  W. 
-L  "  ought  to  be  looked  up  to."  Then  let  him  be  hanged, 
and  thousands  will  look  up  to  him. 


IN"  some  parts  of  the  country  the  ladies,  it  is  said,  have 
discarded  short  dresses,  and  are  going  to  the  opposite 
extreme.     Their  dresses  are  long  and  getting  continually 
longer.     If  the  reaction  goes  much  further,  the  ladies  will 
look  as  if  designed,  like  locomotives,  simply  to  drag  trains. 


A  WRITER  in  the  "Railroad  Magazine  "  says  that  "no 
macadamized  road  is  fit  for  use  till  firmly  cemented  by 
continued  travel."  "  Och,"  said  a  son  of  Erin,  "  I  shall  never 
be  able  to  put  these  boots  on,  till  I  have  worn  them  a  week." 


AN  editor  who    thinks  himself  very  smart,  says    in  his 
columns,  that  he  never  lends  himself  to  party  hacks. 
We  presume  he  prefers  selling. 


ALMOST  every  political  editor  assures  his  readers  that  his 
aim  is  to  cultivate  friendly  relations  writh  his  content 
poraries.     If  that  is  his  "  aim,"  he  is  a  bad  marksman. 


PKENTICEANA.  55 

A~N  English  writer  says,  in  his  advice  to  young  married 
women,  u  that  their  mother  Eve  married  a  gardener." 
It  might  be  added  that  the  gardener,  in  consequence  of  his 
match,  lost  his  situation. 


"\T7~E  see  that  some  of  the  telegraph  lines  are  getting  up  a 
»'    competition  in  prices.     If  they  undertake  to  mak  3  the 
lightning  work  too  cheap,  it  may  strike. 


THE  "  Eastern  Argus  "  says  that  the  administration  "  goes 
on  swimmingly."     It  has  tumbled  overboard,  and  must 
go  on  "  swimmingly,"  or  not  at  all. 


A  DEMOCRATIC  postmaster  in   Indiana  writes   us  an 
insulting  letter,  but  is  careful  to  say  in  conclusion,  that 
he  "  writes  as  postmaster  and  not  as  an  individual."     All 
right ;  but  if  we  horsewhip  the  postmaster,  how  will  the 
back  of  the  individual  feel  ? 


IF  circumstances  alter  cases,  as  the  editor  of  the  "  Free 
Trader"  says  they  do,  he  ought  to  look  for  them  to  alter 
him  ;  he  is  certainly  a  case. 

A  DEMOCRATIC  editor  in  Indiana  threatens  to  handle 
us  "  without  gloves."     We  would  certainly  never  think 
ofhandling  him  without  at  least  three  pairs,  and  thick  ones 

at  that. 

•-•-• — 

IT  is  said  that  Dr. ,  one  of  the  Ohio  representatives, 
sets  himself  up  at  Washington  as  the  bully  of  his  party. 
We  do  not  believe  that  the  doctor  is  a  very  dangerous  man, 
though  unquestionably  a  dangerous  doctor.     His  cartridge- 
box  will  never  be  half  as  fatal  as  his  pill-box. 


56  PRENTICEANA. 

A  GENTLEMAN,  a  few  weeks  ago,  threatened  to  chas 
tise  the  editor  of  the  "  Southern  Mercury."     The  editor 
noticed  the  threat,  and  said  that  it  was  "  all  gammon."  The 
next  day  he  was  cowhided.     That,  we  suppose,  was  back- 
gammon. 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Eastern  Mercury  "  says  that  the  Whig 
J-  party  "  is  losing  strength."  Inasmuch  as  his  name  is 
Hardy,  we  can't  better  reply  to  him  than  by  the  old  quo 
tation  :  "  There  is  no  fool  like  the  fool-Hardy." 


"Vermont  Statesman."  marvelling  at  our  shouts  over 
-*-  the  regeneration  of  New  York,  wants  to  know  what  we 
will  do  when  Mr.  Clay  is  elected.  We  shall  charge  the 
Mammoth  Cave  with  powder  to  the  very  muzzle,  and  shake 
earth  and  sky  and  ocean  with  the  explosion. 


THE   "  Courier  "  thinks  that  Mr.  K.  "  will  make  a  first- 
rate  devil  in  the  next  world."     He  may,  but  he  is  a 
poor  devil  in  this. 


A  COUPLE  of  robbers  fell  upon  John  Bush,  of  Baton 
**•  Rouge,  and  robbed  him  of  a  shin-plaster  of  a  Mississippi 
railroad  bank.  That  was  taking  the  rag  from  the  Bush. 


THE  New  York  "  Evening  Post "  says  that  Col.  B.  "  al 
ways  holds  his  own."     A  great  objection  to  him  is  that 
he  holds  other  people's. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Free  Trader  "  professes  to  be  a  great 
lover  of  "  canvas-backs."      His  love  for  them  is  but  a 
modification  of  self-love.      His  back  was  thoroughly  can- 
vased  a  few  months  ago. 


PKENTICEANA.  57 

T  may  seem  a  Ifttle  remarkable  that,  in  these  days,  the 
greater  part  of  the  white-washing  is  done  with  ink. 


N  New  York  city,  the  common  bats  fly  only  at  twilight. 
Brick-bats  fly  at  all  hours. 


A    BANK  and  a  jail  were  broken  in  Tennessee  last  week 
~^*-  — the  former  by  outsiders,  the  latter  by  insiders. 


THE  Eastern  papers  state  that  Dr.  D.  "  has  killed  his  man." 
J-  Is  the  compliment  meant  for  the  doctor's  pistol  or  his 

saddle-bags  ?  __ 

A  PHILADELPHIA  member  of  Congress  has  robbed  the 
•A-  public  treasury  of  seventy-six  thousand  dollars.  He 
lias  a  fair  claim  upon  his  Democratic  brethren  to  be  called 
a  patriot  of  '76. 

MR.  COOLEY,   editor   of   a  new  Democratic  paper  in 
New  York,  complains  that  the  Whigs  threaten  him 
with  personal  violence.      Our  advice  to  Mr.  Cooley  can  be 
given  in  few  words.     If  any  political  opponent  chastise  you 
within  an  inch  of  your  life,  take  it  Cooley. 


fTlHE  editor  of  the  "  Ky.  and  O.  Journal "  says  we  are  "  a 
1-   peddler  of  horn  gun  flints."      "We  guess  he  uses  the 
article  that  he  charges  us  with  peddling ;  his  gun  always 
misses  fire. 

E  "Pittsburgh  Constellation"  says,  in  an  obituary 
notice  of  an  old  lady,  that  "she  bore  her  husband 
twenty  children  and  never  gave  him  a  cross  word."  She 
must  have  obeyed  the  good  old  precept — "  bear  and  for 
bear." 

8* 


58 


PEENTICEANA. 


THE  Democratic  presses  have  so  often  accused  the  banks 
of   buying    up   Democrats,    that   many   thousands   of 
Democrats  are  waiting  for    a   bid.      They  are  impatient. 
They  feel  like   the   poor  old  maids  at  the  storming   of  a 
Turkish  city : 

"  Who  oft  were  heard  to  wonder  'mid  the  din 
Wherefore  the  ravishing  did  not  begin." 


A  WASHINGTON  correspondent  offers  to  send  us  a 
"  lithographic  likeness  of  the  Postmaster  General  if  we 
will  wear  it.  Really  our  correspondent  must  excuse  us. 
We  cannot  have  the  P.  M.  G.  hanging  from  our  neck : 

"  As  to  hanging,  indeed,  he  may  hang  where  he  will, 
But  as  for  the  neck,  let  it  be  by  his  own." 


ANY  observant  person,  who  should  look  into  our  mint- 
julip  establishments  in  the  hot  days  of  summer,  would 
conclude  that  a  great  many  of  our  people  are   men  of 

straw. 

*^~» — 

TT7~E  must  not  judge  who  are  the  favorites  of  Providence 
' '     by  observing  where  his  greatest  favors  are  bestowed. 
Our  Lord  designated  Judas  as  the  traitor  by  giving  him 
the  sop. 

THE  editor  of  a  little  Locofoco  paper  in  Indiana  threatens 
to  "  gore  us."     We  see  from  the  numerous  pilferiugs  in 
his  columns  that  he  is  great  at  hooking. 


THE  "Evening  Post,"  speaking  of  Senator  B.,  says:  "His 
eye  is  brilliant  and  has  more  honesty  in  it  than  that  of 
Mr.  Clay."     Certainly  if  the  two  were  to  look  each  other 
in  the  face,  Mr.  B.  would  have  more  honesty  in  his  eye  than 
Mr.  Clay  in  his. 


PKENTICEANA.  59 

A  CORRESPONDENT   says,    that,  when    Mr.   Jenifer 
retorted  upon  Dr.  D ,  the  color  flew  from  the  face 

of  the  Ohio  representative.     Of  course  the  doctor  can  claim 
to  have  come  off  vf'tfhin    colors. 


TT7"E  have  lately  read  of  several  fashionable  ladies  on  the 
» •  streets,  who,  upon  the  giving  way  of  a  part  of  the 
machinery  of  their  dresses,  were  frightened  at  the  thought 
that  they  were  bitten  by  snakes.  The  reptiles  were  "  hoop- 
snakes." 


see  in  various  newspapers  what  purport  to  be  "  reme- 
dies  for  smut  in  wheat."  We  should  be  very  glad  if 
fjome  practical  remedy  could  be  devised  for  smut  in  the 
newspapers  themselves. 


O  down  upon  only  one  knee  to  a  young  lady.  If  you 
go  down  upon  both,  you  may  not  be  able  to  escape 
quick  enough  in  case  of  the  sudden  and  unexpected  appear 
ance  of  an  enraged  father. 


last  accounts  from  Peru  give  some  indications  of  ill- 
feeling  on  her  part  toward  us.  We  should,  oT  course, 
hate  to  have  the  Peruvians  bite  us,  though  we  have  no 
objection  to  a'little  Peruvian  bark. 


VTADEIRA  wine,  whilst  being  transported  to  this  coun- 
-  'J-  try,  is  always,  however  pure  its  owners  may  think  it, 
something  between  Madeira  and  Port. 


I 


N  the  days  when  rogues  and  thieves  were  branded  with 
the  letters  R.  and  T.,  lettered  men  were  more  common 
than  they  are  now. 


60  P  E  EN  T  I  0  EANA. 

A  FRIEND  of  ours  says  that  it  is  his  will  to  speak  the 
plain  truth,  and  nothing  else  about  men  and  things.    It 
is  our  will  too,  and,  what  is  better,  our  wont. 


T  ORD  COKE  calls  the  law  a  "  stately  tree."  It  may 
J-J  be  a  very  nice  tree,  but  it  does  have  some  wretchedly 
poor  limbs. 

THE  "Port  Gibson  Herald"  wants  to  know  "what  the 
poor  Indians  will  do  when  the  buffalos  are  extinct."  In 
deed  we  can't  tell.    We  are  afraid  they'll  have  to  bear  it. 


FT1WO  weeks  ago  a  vagabond  was  convicted  in  Illinois,  of 
J-  stealing  two  watches.  He  made  a  pathetic  speech  after 
his  conviction,  ascribing  his  failure  in  business  and  all  his 
misfortunes  in  life  to  "  procrastination."  He  seems  to  have 
been  the  embodiment  of  procrastination,  which,  the  poet 
tells  us,  is  "  the  thief  of  time." 


M  ~\7"OU  forget  yourself,"  said  a  lady  of  our  acquaintance 
J-  to  a  rather  impertinent  gentleman.  "  Ah,  well,"  added 
she,  after  a  pause  of  a  few  moments,  "  I  suppose  you  are  ex 
cusable  for  forgetting  what  is  not  worth  remembering." 


FT1HERE  are  two  classes  of  persons  of  whom  it  maybe  truly 
•JL  said  that  their  word  is  as  good  as  their  bond — those 
whose  word  is  never  broken,  and  those  whose  bond  is  good 
for  nothing. 

THE  Idler,  the   Lounger,  the   Spectator,  the  Rambler, 
and  the  Tatler,  are  all  classical  works,  but  many  a  fel 
low  is  all  those   characters   in  one — and   yet  no  student 
at  all. 


PKENTIOEANA.  61 

A    RECENT  writer   says  that   "  the   Bloomer  costume 

-£*-  is  next  to  no  dress  at  all."     Undoubtedly  all  sorts  of 
dresses  are  the  next  thin<r  to  nakedness. 


rPHE  editor  of  a  paper  now  before  us  says  that  he  meets  a 
*-  certain  statement  squarely.  Men  sometimes  meet  true 
statements  squarely  by  lying  roundly. 


"  Westchester  Herald  »  says  "  Dr.  D.,  the  Ohio  repre- 
sentative,  is  either  a  knave  or  a  fool — he  must  take  one 
horn  of  that  dilemma."  Probably  he  will  prefer  taking 
both ;  he  always  prefers  two  horns  to  one. 


¥.  H.  IIOOE,  a  postmaster  in  Vermont,  publishes  that  two 
hundred  dollars  of  the  public  funds  are  missing  from  his 
office,  and  asks,  "  who  has  got  the  money  ?"     Possibly  echo 
may  answer — Ilooe. 

\/TR.  CLOWNY,  of  the  "  Greenville  Banner,"  thinks  that 
— f-L  "  Congress,  in  making  its  retrenchments,  might  very 
appropriately  make  its  sessions  one  month  shorter."  Per 
haps  Mr.  Glown-y  might  very  appropriately  make  his  name 
one  letter  shorter. 


Alexandria  Gazette  "  says  that  the  government,  by 
its  great  outrages  upon  public  opinion,  has  raised  a  storm 
that  will  sweep  its  party  away  forever.  We  greatly  doubt 
its  ability  to  raise  a  storm.  It  has  been  trying  in  vain  to 
raise  the  wind  for  the  last  six  months. 


House  of  Representatives  insists  on  an  appropriation 
•*•  of  four  or  five  thousand  dollars,  for  a  water-spout  in  the 
square  of  the  capitol.  'Tis  quite  hard  enough  for  the  peo 
ple  to  have  to  pay  for  the  "  spouting  "  in  the  capitol  itself. 


62  PKENTICEANA. 

THE  editor  of  the  "  -  Herald  "  was  asked  by  some 
of  his  friends  to  become  a  candidate  for  Congress,  but  he 
declined  running.     If  Chancellor  Q.  had  gone  to  him  with 
that  request  or  with  any  other,  he  wouldn't  have  "  declined 
running:'1 

TFHE  editor  of  the  "  -  Journal  "  repeats  his  boast 
•*•  that  if  we  do  not  let  him  alone,  we  shall  "  catch  it."  We 
have  no  doubt  that  all  who  handle  him  will  be  sure  to 
"catch  it" 


A  GENTLEMAN  advertises  in  a  Washington  paper  "  A 
silver  cup  lost."  Let  Dr.  L.  be  searched.    He  generally 
has  "  a  cup  too  much." 


.  JAMES  STONE,  of  Mississippi,  denounces  his  own 
party  for  disfranchising  that  State,  ./The  Locofoco  out 
rages  "make  the  very  Stones  cry  out." 


THE  Democratic  papers  of  New  Jersey  are  trying  to  jus 
tify  Senator  Wall  for  his  disobedience  of  instructions. 
Let  them  whitewash  him  as  much  as  they  please — he  will 
be  only  "  a  whited  Wall." 


IN  reply  to  a  remark  of  the  "  Baltimore  Patriot "  that  the 
Whigs  have  swept  everything  before  them  in  Connecti 
cut,  the  "  Pennsylvania  Democrat "  says  that  the  Whigs 
are  "  old  women  just  fit  to  sweep."     He  might  justly  add 
that  the  Locofocoes  are  dirt  just  fit  to  be  swept. 


THE  "  Free  Press  "  says  that  "there  is  nothing  profound 
about  the  editor  of  the  '  Globe.'  "     Certainly  his  igno 
rance  ought  to  be  excepted. 


PEENTICEANA.  63 

BEER,  a  Democratic  candidate  for  Governor  in  Con- 
necticut,  made  immense  exertions  to  secure  his  own 
election.  He  worked  seven  days  in  the  week.  He  violated 
the  good  old  statute  of  his  State  which  forbade  beer  to 
work  on  Sunday. 

A  PETTIFOGGER  in  one  of  our  southern  towns    got 
into  a  quarrel,  and  was  chastised  by  a  lawyer  named 
Boyle  ;  he  got  into  hot  water  and  was  Boyled. 


A  GENTLEMAN,  finding  his  whisky  punch  a  little  too 
<£*•  hot,  blew  it  with  his  breath  to  cool  it.  "  Blowing  your 
own  horn  I  see,"  said  his  comrade. 


A  VETERAN  editor  of  Ohio  says  that  every  passing  year 
^  sets  a  mark  upon  him.  Of  course  he  may  be  known  by 
his  year-marks. 

DR.  D.  B.  in  one  of  his  late  tirades,  compares  us  to  an 
owl.     The  doctor  may  have  a  great  antipathy  to  owls, 
but  he  certainly  has  none  in  the  world  to  swallows. 


T1IIE  editor  of  the  "  Pennsylvania  Democrat  "  says  that 
J-  editorial  life  affords  him  "  many  sweets."  Unquestion 
ably  he  would  like  it  more  if  it  afforded  him  each  morning 
a  stiff  dose  of  bitters. 


editor  of  the  --  exclaims  :  "  We  say  what  we 
-  like."     So  he  does,  and,  for  saying  it,  he  has  more  than 
onco  got  what  he  didn't  like. 


A  MR.  HOOKER  has  been  appointed  sub-treasurer  of 
£X  Burlington.  His  name  does  not  distinguish  him  from 
the  rest  of  the  sub-treasurers ;  they're  all  hookers. 


64.  PEENTICEANA. 

A  BRITISH  writer  says  that  the  gentle  sorts  of  animals 
are  gradually  becoming  more  ferocious,  and  the  fero 
cious  ones  more  gentle.     Perhaps  the  time  may  come  when 
the  gentle  lion,  at  sight  of  the  ferocious  sheep,  Avill  run  with 
all  his  might — and  inane. 


editor  of  the  " Democrat "  offers  to  bet 

-   us  his  "head  against  a  tenpenny  nail."     We  decline  the 
wager ;  we'll  not  bet  a  hard  currency  against  a  soft  one. 


THE  "  Fredericksburg  Arena  "  thinks  that  the  administra 
tion,  if  it  employ  the  pet  banks  again,  will  find  them 
"  as  docile  as  dray-horses."     Unquestionably  it  has  got  them 
well  broken. 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Globe  "  threatens  to  "  make  a  sweep 
next  fall."     "We  are  glad  to  hear  it.     We  have  no  doubt 
of  his  making  a  first-rate  sweep.     We  will  employ  him  as 
often  as  our  chimney  gets  foul. 


"Southern  Mercury"  says  that  Mr.  P.  O.  Thomas 
J-  "  has  received  his  commission  as  Postmaster."  So  there's 
a  post-office  gone  to  P.  O.  T. 


THE  "  Georgia  Constitutionalist  "  says  that  "  Mr.  Wright 
is  fully  the  equal  of  Mr.  Webster  in  tearing  away  from 
a  question  the  web  of  sophistry."     Indeed  he  isn't ;  he  is 
very  acute,  but  he  can  never  make  a  web  stir. 


A  NEIGHBORING  editor  talks  about  the  "  troop »  to 
which  he  belongs.      We  did  not  know  that  he  was  "  a 
trooper,"  though  we  have  heard  that  he  often  swears  like 
one. 


PKENTICEANA.  65 

4  CONTEMPORARY  threatens  to  make  us  see  ourselves 
A  by  holding  up  a  glass  to  our  face.  His  great  fault  is 
that  he  has  held  up  too  many  glasses  to  his  own. 


OFTENTIMES  at  an  election  a  political  .party  rolls  up  its 
sleeves  to  roll  up  a  majority,  and  after  the  election  sim 
ply  rolls  up  its  eyes.  

HHHOSE  who  oftenest  suffer  from  fullness  of  the  stomach, 
-A-  are  generally  those  who  were  never  troubled  with  a  full 
ness  either  of  the  head  or  heart. 


MENTION  was  recently  made  of  the  hanging  of  two  men 
named  Lace,  in  Georgia,  for  horse-stealing.     The  hang 
ing  took  place  nowhere  but  in  the  newspapers — a  mere 
paper-hanging. 


0 


UR  neighbor  of  the  "  Advertiser  "  says  he  is  "  sorry  for 
the  Whigs."     He  was  always  a  sorry  fellow. 


THE    Pennsylvania    postmaster,   who   was   sent  recently 
to  the  penitentiary,  had  -stolen  money  from  letters  and 
then  burned  the*  letters  themselves.     That's  the  Locofoco 
fashion  of  dispatching  the  mails. 


AN  edition  of  ten  thousand  copies  of  the  Postmaster  Gen 
eral's    portraits  remain   unsold  in   Washington   City. 
That  ought  to  be  some  consolation  to  him.     If  he  can't 
boast  of  being  uribought,  his  picture  can. 


THE  "  Ohio  Eagle  "  abuses  Mr.  Bond's  speech,  and  says 
that" the  people  will  set  their  seal  upon  him  at  the  next 
election.     But  will  a  Bond  be  any  worse  for  bearing  the 
broad  seal  of  the  people  ? 


66  PKENTIOE^NA. 

THE  "  Globe  "  thinks  that  the  condition  of  the  country 
J-  should  accommodate  itself  to  the  policy  of  the  admin 
istration.  That  paper  no  doubt  holds  that  a  man  should 
be  cut  and  clipped  by  his  tailor  to  fit  his  breeches,  instead 
of  having  them  cut  to  fit  him. 


"  Emporium  "  boasts  that  its  party  is  "  in  the  habit 
-*-  of  using  up  rascals.  A  party,  that  makes  such  habitual 
use  of  rascals  must  of  course  use  some  of  them  up.  It  can 
not  expect  its  tools  to  wear  forever. 

A  NULLIFYING  editor  says  that  the  course  of  Mr. 
Clay  "  has  been  injurious  even  to  the  interests  of  his 
own  State."  The  leading  interest  of  this  State  is  the  hemp- 
growing  interest,  and  there's  no  doubt  that  Mr.  Clay 
injured  that  when  he  interfered  and  saved  the  nullifiers 
from  the  halter. 

AN  old  English  writer  says  that  one  of  the  most  deplor 
able  wants  in  woman  is  the  want  of  heart.     The  pre 
vailing  want  of  a  good  many  of  our  modern  women  seems 
to  be  the  want  of  hearts.  , 


A  WESTERN  writer  recommends  the  smoking  of  cigars 
for  the  reason  that  it  keeps  off  mosquitoes.     But  why 
should  a  man  create  an  odor  around  himself  that  not  even 
a  pestilent  insect  can  live  in  ? 


A  WASHINGTON  correspondent  says  of  Dr.  P , 
that  he  is  "  fond  of  turmoil."     Our  own  opinion  is  that 
he  is  fond  of  still-water. 


I 


T  should  be  remembered  that  a  bare   assertion  is  not 
necessarily  the  naked  truth. 


PRENTIOEANA.  67 

A  FEW  days  ago  we  had  the  gratification  of  seeing  a 
-£*•  little  boy  taken  alive  from  under  a  sand-bank  that  had 
fallen  on  him.  His  terror  had  not  turned  his  hair  white, 
but  he  was  decidedly  sandy-haired. 


46  TT7TIAT  has  been  your  business?"  said  a  judge  to  a  pri- 
* »     soner  at  the  bar.     "  Why,  your  honor,  I  used  to  be 
a  dentist — now  I  am  a  pugilist ;  then  I  put  teeth  in — now 
I  knock  'em  out." 


CRUEL  men  are  the  greatest  lovers  of  mercy ;   avari 
cious  men  of  generosity  ;  and  proud  men  of  humility — 
in  everybody  but  themselves. 


fTIHE  "  Illinois  Register  "  says  that  it  has  actually  "  seen 
-*-  the  banks  shaving  their  own  paper."  We  have  seen  a 
more  startling  sight  than  that — we  saw  a  bank  director,  the 
other  day,  actually  shaving  himself. 


DR.  SHERWOOD  of  New  York  advertises  to  pay  "  a 
high  price  for  leeches."      Can't  our  President  raise  the 
wind  by  selling  to  Dr.  Sherwood  a  few  thousand  treasury 
blood-suckers  ?     He  can  warrant  them  a  prime  article. 


A1STEWBERN  paper  says  that  Mrs.  Alice  Day  of  that 
city  was  lately  delivered  of  four  sturdy  boys.      We 
know  not  what  a  Day  may  bring  forth. 


"  Globe  "  says  that  the  administration  party  in  North 
Carolina  are  confident  of  success  next  year.  They 
ought  to  be  good  judges  of  the  events  of  next  year,  for  they 
have  been  knocked  into  the  middle  of  it. 


PKENTICEANA. 


"  New  York  Post "  compares  senator  W.  to  a  flash 
of  lightning.     Why?  because  his  motions  are  zig-zag? 


rpHE  "  Massachusetts  Spy  "  wants  to  know  what  the 
A  Democrats  will  do  when  they  have  no  longer  a  hook  to 
hang  a  hope  on."  Possibly  they  may  look  about  for  a  hook 
to  hang  a  rope  on. 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Pennsylvania  Democrat  "  proposes  to 
us  to   "  bury  the  hatchet."     Oh  certainly,  but  we  must 
bury  him  with  it. 


editor  of  the  "Advertiser  "  should  be  more  modest. 
L   Being  in  the  employ  of  the  government,  he  is  of  course 
"  the  servant  of  the  people  ;"  and,  as  we  are  one  of  the  peo 
ple,  he  is  of  course  our  servant.     We  never  allow  our  ser 
vants  to  put  on  airs  in  our  presence. 


HHHE  editor  of  the  "  Troy  Whig  "  says  that  he  hardly 
•A-  knows  how  to  classify  the  Democratic  postmasters.  He 
may  as  well  arrange  them  in  two  classes,  the  ins  and  the 
outs  —  those  that  are  in  the  penitentiary  and  those  that  are 
not. 


editor  of  the  "  Ohio  Democrat  "  says  that  he  can 
easily  look  through  such  men  as  Clay  and  Webster. 
We  doubt  it.  A  jail-bird  like  him  can  hardly  be  expected 
to  look  through  the  great,  however  much  accustomed  to 

look  through  the  grate. 

-  •-•-•  - 

THE  Democratic  editors  are  shouting  over  our  victory  in 
New  York.     A  Democratic  editor  shouts  just  as  he  gets 
drunk  ;  when  victorious,  to  heighten  his  joy,  and  when  bea 
ten,  to  drown  his  sorrow. 


PBENTICEANA.  69 

THE  editor  of  the  " -Monitor"  intimates  that  he 

•*•  may  turn  Whig-  if  he  can  liave  the  promise  of  being 
made  Secretary  of  State.  "We  cannot  promise  him  the 
Secretaryship,  but  we  can  tell  him  an  anecdote  not  wholly 
inapplicable  to  his  case :  In  the  course  of  a  conversation, 
upon  the  subject  of  human  duty,  between  the  Duke  of 
Buckingham  and  a  lady  who  prided  herself  upon  chastity 
und  all  the  other  Christian  qualities,  the  Duke  started  this 
question :  "  Madam,  if  you  \vere  offered  ten  millions  of  dol 
lars  for  the  sacrifice  of  that  peerless  gem,  your  virtue,  would 
you  not,  in  view  of  all  the  good  that  you  might  do  with 
that  vast  amount  of  money  in  relieving  human  suffering 
and  promoting  the  cause  of  the  Christian  religion,  deem  it 
your  duty  to  make  the  sacrifice  ?"  "  Possibly  under  those 
circumstances,  I  might  think  myself  called  on  to  make  the 
dreadful  sacrifice,"  timidly  responded  the  lady  with  down 
cast  eyes.  "  Curse  on  my  poverty !"  exclaimed  the  Duke, 
laying  his  hand  familiarly  upon  her  shoulder,  "  I  have  found 
the  prostitute,  but  how  am  I  to  raise  the  ten  millions  ?" 


A  GRAVE  correspondent,  under  the  signature  of  "  Plato," 
<£*-  complains  that  our  remarks  are  "not  generally  of  a  suf 
ficiently  serious  cast."  We  have  only  to  request  "  Plato  " 
to  bear  in  mind  the  old  proverb:  "The  most  solemn  of 
birds  is  an  owl,  the  most  solemn  of  fishes  an  oyster,  the 
most  solemn  of  beasts  an  ass,  and  the  most  solemn  of  men 
an  ass  also." 

THE  editor  of  the  -  says  that  "  the  Louisville  girls 
have  eyes  that  would  bore  through  any  man's  heart  that 
is  not  made  of  adamant."     The  old  fellow  means  that  they 
have  gimlet  eyes. 


editor  of  the  ---  calls  us  the  most  scurrilous 
-   editor  in  the   country.      Unquestionably  he  "forgets 
himself." 


70 


P  BE  N  TI  C  EANA. 


"M*R.  LEVEL,  of  the  "  Eastern  Advocate,"  says  the  time 
-"-*-  is  at  hand  when  "  every  kind  of  political  iniquity  will 
be  put  down."  We  suppose  that  even  the  Devil  will  find 
his  Level. 

IT  is  barely  possible  that  public  opinion  does  Mr. , 
injustice;  but  even  his  friends  must  admit,  that,  if  nature 
designed  to  mark  the  initial  of  the  word  "  thief"  upon  his 
person  and  his  mind,  she  certainly  "  hit  it  to  a  T. 


THE  "Toronto  Patriot"  says  that  a  young  man  of  that 
city,  a  drummer,  is  to  run  a  match  against  time.    A 
drummer  should  be  able  to  beat  time. 


¥H.  COTTOST,  lately  a  violent  Whig,  has  established 
•  a  violent  Democratic  paper  in  Alabama.     Can  some 
of  the  Alabama  Democrats  tell  us  the  price  of  Cotton? 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Southern  Democrat "  asks  whether 
"  punishment  should  not  be  administered  to  a  blackguard 
in  the  form  of  a  cowhide  over  the  shoulders."     "  I  take  it 
50,"  he  might  himself  reply. 


rTHOSE   who   have   most  treasure   have   generally  most 
-   anxiety.     The  Colchian  ram  with  the  golden  wool  was, 
no  doubt,  even  though  he  had  wings,  in  constant  appre 
hension  of  being  fleeced. 


fTIHE  Natchez  editor  advises  the  friends  of  Mr.  Clay  to 
J-  "  keep  their  eyes  skinned."  They  need  not  in  return 
advise  him  to  keep  his  back  skinned ;  General  Q.  will  attend 
to  that. 


PKENTICEANA.  71 

THE  "  Milledgeville  Journal "  urges  ex-Governor  Troop's 
election  to  the  Presidency.     We  think  the  ex-gover 
nor's  supporters  will  prove  to  be  like  the  ex-governor  him 
self—rather  a  small  Troop. 


THE  editor  of  the says  that  General  Harrison  "  can 
never  touch  bottom."     That  editor  has  reason  to  know 
that  a  certain  other  prominent  Whig  recently  did. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  -  Observer  »  calls  General  Harri 
son  "  a  rather  deserving  man."      The  general  and  the 
editor  are  both  deserving  —  the  one  of  the  Presidency,  the 
other  of  the  Penitentiary. 


"  Richmond  Enquirer  "  says  that  its  friends  "  have  no 
*-  fear  of  ultimate  success."  They  need  have  no  fear  of 
success,  for  they  are  in  no  manner  of  danger  of  it. 


DR.  D made    a  speech  last  week  at  a  Democratic 
wine-frolic  in  Washington.      His  speech  wasn't  at  all 
happy r,  but  he  was. 


TPHE   editor  of  the  " Democrat"  boasts  that  he 

J-  keeps  nine  tailors  in  his  employ.  In  this  case,  at  least, 
the  old  adage  proves  untrue  ;  the  nine  tailors  can't  make  a 
man. 


rFHE  editor  of  the  " Monitor  "  wishes  us  to  send 

•-him  a  thunder-cloud,  that  he  may  make  a  noise  over  the 
victories  of  his  party.  We  cannot  lend  him  our  clouds,  but 
we  are  perfectly  willing  to  send  him  a  big  black  cat.  He 
can  get  electricity  enough  from  a  cat's  back  to  celebrate 
all  his  victories  for  a  twelvemonth  to  come. 


72  PKENTICEANA. 


"  Southern  Whig  "  says  that  "  most  of  the  leading 
-*-  locofocos  have  their  price."  That  can't  be  said  any 
longer  of  the  New  York  Democrats  ;  their  Price*  has  just 
run  away. 


M 


RS.  KNIGHT,  formerly  of  our  theatre,  is  married  to 
Mr.  Belt,  of  London  ;  she  is  a,  Belted  Knight. 


AMR.  J.  LEMON",  of  the  N.  C.  Legislature,  has  aban 
doned  the  Whigs  and  joined  the  locofocos.     That's  all 
right  enough.     If  the  locos  think  that  they  can  recruit  their 
strength  with  Lemon-aid,  they  are  welcome   to  try  the 
experiment. 

THE  editor  of  a  new  Democratic  paper  at  Little  Rock, 
gives  this  reason  for  engaging  in  the  political  conflict : 

"  The  aspect  of  the  political  horizon  became  portentous  ;  clouds 
were  gathering  and  unfurling  their  banner-folds  upon  the  party 
t~L-ezes;  the  muttering  thunder  and  lurid  flashes  of  the  coining 
storm,  of  dread  conflict  and  elemental  strife,  came  louder  and  more 
vividly  upon  us.  A  battle  must  be  fought  and  victory  must  perch 
upon  our  standard.  We  could  not  stand  idle." 

So  the  editor  has  actually  buckled  on  his  armor  to  go 
out  and  fight  a  thunder-storm.  He  is  a  match  for  the  Ken- 
tuckian,  whose  affrighted  wife  awoke  him  one  night  in  the 
midst  of  a  terrific  tempest.  "  Husband  !  husband  !  an 
earthquake  is  swallowing  us  up,  or  the  day  of  judgment  has 
come — I  don't  know  which."  "  By  Gosh !"  roared  the 
Kentuckian,  jumping  up  and  seizing  his  rifle  ;  "  I'm  ready 
for  either." 

AN  Ohio  paper  says  that  Dr.  Asher  talks  of  selling  his 
farm  and  emigrating.     We  presume  he  would  now  sell 
the  ground  cheap.     We  know  that  he  has  frequently  fallen 
on  it. 

*  A  Democratic  Government  defaulter. 


PKENTICEANA.  73 

editor  of  the  "  P.  L."  boasts,  that  his  single  head 
"  keeps  no  less  than  fifty  operatives  in  full  employ 
ment."  His  case  is  a  bad  one ;  the  use  of  a  fine  comb 
micrlit  not  come  amiss. 


TJIIIE  editor  of  the  "  Free  Trader  "  says  he  "  should  like, 

-  to  feel  the  heads  of  some  of  the  Whig  leaders."     Proba- 

Vly  he  has  a  curiosity  to  know  whether  their  heads  and 

their  feet  feel  alike. 

+-++ 

A  N  editor  who  undertakes  to  prove  everything  by  his 
-ft  own  personal  testimony,  may  certainly  pass  for  an 
X- — witness. 


~\/TR.  II.  LAW  has  established  a  paper  at  Jackson,  and  ho 
--'•*-  pledges  himself  that  it  shall  always  be  truthful.  If  he 
doesn't  keep  his  promise,  we  hope  he  will  find  himself  a 
bankrupt  Law. 

4  X  Arkansas  editor  says,  "  love  me  love  my  dog."    Those 
-^-  who  love  him  certainly  love  a  dog. 


A  POPULAR  writer  says  that  men,  like  children,  are 
IJL  "  pleased  with  a  rattle."  Not  if  it  is  at  the  tail  of  a 
snake. 

A  PIOUS  writer  ^  says  "  we  can't  expect  to  stay  in  this 
-£i-  world."  But  certainly  the  ladies  stay  in  it. 


riEN"  you  see  traders  running  to  the  brokers,  look  out 
for  breakers. 


A  POLITICAL  opponent  says  that  if  we  are  not  disposed 
J\.  to  take  his  abuse,  we  can  demand  satisfaction.  The 
abuse  itself  is  satisfaction  to  us. 

4 


74  PRENTICEANA. 

17  VERY  man  ought  to  have  a  wife.  If  a  man  is  happily 
•Ij  married,  his  "  rib  "  is  worth  all  the  other  bones  in  his 
body.  __ 

/WVIER  describes  a  fish  that  is  flat  half  the  year,  and 
v  round  the  other  half.  It  isn't  like  Dickens's  new 
periodical,  "  All  the  Year  Round." 


THE  editor  of  the  " Star  "  says  that  he  has  never 
murdered  the  truth.     He  never  gets  near  enough  to  do 
it  any  bodily  harm. 


THE  " Emporium  "  boasts  that  its  party  is  "  in  the 
habit  of  using  up  rascals."     A  party  that  makes  such 
habitual  use  of  rascals,  must  of  course  use  some  of  them  up. 
It  cannot  expect  its  tools  to  wear  forever. 


JO.  BERGEN  has  been  appointed  postmaster  in   Ala- 
•  bama.     We  hope  the  government  will  not  find  him  a 
badJ.  O.  B.; 

MR.   VAN   BUREN   is  busily  engaged   at  present   in 
"  treading  in  the  footsteps  of  Gen.  Jackson^"  but  in 
1840  he  will  have  to  "make  tracks  on  his  own  account." 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Cincinnati "  says  that  when 
next  he  uses  a  painter's  brush  made  of  pig's  bristles,  it 
shall  be  to  whitewash  Louisville.    If  he  wishes  to  use  a  brush 
of  pigs'  bristles  upon  our  city,  he  had  better  come  down 
and  rub  his  back  against  her. 


AN  editor  in  our  neighborhood  says  that  he  always  has 
his  proof  ready  for  whatever  he  asserts.     His  proof  is 
generally  fourth-proof. 


PEENTICEANA.  75 

TT  is  said  that  the  Tartars  invite  a  man  to  drink  by  gently 
J-  pulling  his  ear.  A  good  many  of  our  people  will  "  take 
a  pull "  without  waiting  to  have  their  ears  pulled. 


HTHERE  are  some  men  who  will  walk  up  to  a  cannon's 
J-  mouth,  and  some  women  who  will  walk  up  to  a  lover's 
— without  shrinking. 

OUR  old  friend,  James  Random,  must  have  a  hard  time 
of  it  as  an  Iowa  editor.     Nearly  all  the  editors  of  that 
State  shoot  habitually  at  random. 


^  rpHE  fact  is,  John,  since  you  have  taken  to  drinking  you 
J-  are  only  half  a  man."     "  Oh,  I  suppose  you  mean  I'm 
a  demi-John." 

A  N"  Arkansas  paper  says  that  many  of  the  girls  in  that 
"•  State  grow  six  feet  high.  They  must  be  uncommonly 
well  cultivated. 

A   DEMOCRATIC  editor  says  that  Gen. has  de- 

A  clined  many  honors.  We  are  not  aware  of  his  having 
declined  any  except  that  of  being  an  honest  man  and 
patriot.  He  has  not  declined  honors  so  much  as  he  has 
declined  being  honorable. 


A  WRITER  in  the  "Globe"   says,  that  Mr.  Bond  is 
"  stamped  with  the  mark  of  Cain."    That  writer  him 
self  has  been  stamped  first  and  last  with  the  marks  of  a 
dozen  canes. 

fTIHE  editor  of  the  "  Free  Trader  "  says,  that  all  who  slan- 
-*-  der  him  are  careful  to  do  it  behind  his  back.  Folks 
must  be  very  much  afraid  of  him.  We  even  hear  that  those 
who  kick  and  horsewhip  him  do  it  behind  his  back. 


76  PKEKTICEANA. 

¥E  have  frequently  heard  called  "  a  small-beer 
politician,"  but  an  Ohio  paper,  by,  perhaps,  a  typo 
graphical  error,  calls  him  "  a  small  bear  politician."     Pray, 
whose  Bruin  is  he  ? 


THE  editor  of  the  " Statesman  "  says  "  more  vil 
lainy  is  on  foot."    We  suppose  the  editor  has  lost  his 
horse.                                      __ 

THE  locofocos  have  prosecuted  the  editor  of  the  "  Somer 
set  Whig  "  for  a  libel.     They  can  effect  nothing  in  that 
•way.     If  they  rely  upon  voting,  we  can  out-vote  them,  and, 
if  they  go  into  law,  we  can  out-law  them. 


THE  Tory  editor  of  the  "  Indiana  Democrat  "  advertises 
that  he  will  take  bacon  in  payment  of  subscriptions. 
He  can  hardly  expect  to  get  that  article  from  any  of  his 
tory  subscribers ;  they  have  not  been  able  this  season  to 
"  save  their  bacon." 


M  I  not  a  real  rain  beau,  my  dear  ?"  said  a  fop,  rush- 
ing  up  with  an  umbrella  to  a  lady  in  a  shower. 
"  Don't  make  yourself  so  familiar,  sir,  or  I  shall  have  to  be 
a  rem-beau." 


touched  was  turned   into   gold. 
In   these    days,   touch   a   man   with   gold    and   he'll 
turn  into  anything. 

¥HICII  may  be  considered  the  faster  man—  he  who  is 
running  like  a  greyhound,  or  he  who  is  stuck  inextri 
cably  in  the  mud  ? 

T  ABOR  and  Invention  are  brothers,  Necessity  being  the 
J-J  mother  of  both.  So,  if  you  are  a  child  of  Labor,  Neces 
sity  is  your  grandma. 


PRENTIOEANA.  77 

A    GREAT  many  political  speeches  are  literally  parricides. 
A  They  kill  their  fathers. 


HEN  the  health  of  a  city  is  good,  the  undertaker  has 
"  a  beggarly  account  of  empty  boxes." 


A  SHORT  time  ago,  84,500  of  the  public  money  of  Michi 
gan  was  stolen  while  in  the  custody  of  the  governor. 
A  locofoco  editor  of  that  State,  in  an  abusive  article  against 
certain  Whigs,  intimates  that  he  knows  who  is  the  thief. 
He  may  know,  but  if  so,  we  presume  he  is  the  very  last 
person  on  earth  that  would  be  willing  to  tell  his  name.  The 
$4,500  was  certainly  bagged* 

THE  "  Globe  "  says,  that  the  locofocos  will  "  die  in  the  last 
breach,"  and  the  "  ET.  Y.  Evening  Post "  says  "  that 
they  will  die  in  the  first  breach."     So  it  seems  that  they 
expect  to  die  in  a  pair  of  breeches.     Some  of  them  must 
make  an  important  addition  to  their  wardrobe  first. 


DR.  calls  the  editor  of  the  "  Cincinnati  Republi 
can  "   "  a  drunken  loafer."      The   doctor,  it  seems,  is 
actually  lecturing  on  sobriety.     We  once  heard  of  a  big, 
red-nosed  fellow  standing  to   his   ears  in  a  puncheon  of 
whisky  and  preaching  temperance  through  the  bung-hole. 


rpHERE  has  been  a  great  flood  in  all  this  section  of  country, 
JL  which  has  obstructed,  in  some  instances,  the  progress  of  the 
mails. — Trenton  Emporium. 

We  have  just  received  some  mails  from  that  section,  but 
their  ancient  appearance  leaves  no  doubt  that  they  com 
menced  their  journey  before  the  flood. 

*  The  editor's  name  was  Bagg. 


78  PKENTICEANA. 

OUR  devil,  notwithstanding  all  our  attempts  to  reform  him,  still 
gets  tipsy  occasionally.  —  Democrat. 

And  you,  yourself,  we  suppose,  get  as  tipsy  as  "  the 
devil." 


editor  of  the  "  -  Courier  "  says  that  he  knows 
his  own  mind.     He  may,  and  yet  know  next  to  nothing. 


SOME  of  our  Yan  Bnren  friends  complain  of  the  administration 
on  the  ground  of  its  endeavoring  by  its  measures  to  deprive 
them  of  a  livelihood,  and  at  the  same  time  requiring  them  to  be 
lieve  the  most  monstrous   political    absurdities. — Charlottesmlle 
Advocate. 

That  is  to  say,  it  gives  them  too  little  to  eat,  and  too 

much  to  swallow. 

— »-«-• 

~TT7"E  have  received  a  new  locofoco  paper  from  Alabama, 
W    published  by  a  Mr.  "  H.  A.  Ditto."    We  do  not  under 
take  to  say,  that  Mr.  Ditto  is  a  knave,  but  very  many  of  his 
party  are  knaves,  and  he  is — Ditto. 


D 


drink  on  tick  ? — Democrat. 
No,  but  we  do  sometimes  sleep  on  tick. 


governor  of  Tennessee  says  that  he  shall  not  appoint 
-  a  day  of  Thanksgiving.     That  being  the  case,  we  think 
the  people  will,  by  common  consent,  take  for  that  purpose 
the  day  of  his  retirement  from  office. 


THE  "  Vermont  Statesman  "  calls  the  office-holders  "  leaden 
headed."     'Tis  a  pity  some  of  the  lead  in  their  heads 
were  not  transferred  to  the  ends  of  their  Angers.     If  their 
heads  are  too  heavy,  their  fingers  are  too  light. 


PEENTICEANA.  79 

"TirE  have  been  disabled  for  some  weeks  past  by  an  accident. 
VV    Whilst  using  an  axe  on  the  3d.  nit.,  the  weapon  slipped  and 
struck  our  right  foot,  splitting  it  nearly  in  two. — Democrat. 

So  your  foot  is  cloven — is  it  ?     Well,  you  can  now  play 
the  devil  better  than  ever. 


THE  editor  of  the  " Argus"  says  that  he  would 
"  disdain  to  injure  an  ass's  colt."     Another  proof  that 
even  the   stupidest  of  animals  have  an  instinctive  attach 
ment  to  their  offspring. 


niHE  "Whigs  would  not  hesitate  for  a  moment  to  trample  on  the 
JL  banner  of  their  country. — Flag  of  the  Union. 

We  would  not  for  the  world  trample  on  the  star-spangled 
banner,  but,  if  we  had  our  overshoes  on  and  a  scraper  at 
hand,  we  should  not  hesitate  to  tread  on  the  "  Flag  of  the 

Union." 

»-•-• — 

THE  editor  of  the  " Democrat  "  asks  if  we  can  tell 
him  "  anything  about  the  Kentucky  hemp-market."     If 
he  will  make  our  State  a  visit,  we  have  no  doubt  that  hemp 
will  be  tight. 

MR.  A.  H.  HORN,  of  the  "Southern  Argus,"  makes 
some  unintelligible  threats  against  us.     His  language 
sounds  belligerent.     Is  he  a  powder-Horn  ? 


IT  is  a  general  remark  that  all  classes  of  persons  are  ever 
ready  to  give  their   opinions.      The  lawyers  must  be 
excepted ;  they  sell  theirs. 


A  NOTORIOUS  political  editor  boasts  that  every  number 
•^  of  his  paper  "  tells."  Unquestionably  it  does,  but  not 
the  truth. 


80  PEENTIOEANA. 

MR.  FLAG,  of  Albany,  has  received  his  commission  as 
P.  M.  at  that  place.     The  Whig  papers  of  Albany  are 
lashing  him  unmercifully.     We  never  saw  a  flag  with  so 
many  stripes  upon  it  before. 


n  HALL  we  not  make  hay  while  the  sun  shines  ? — Globe. 

Certainly.    It  is  said  that  "  all  flesh  is  grass ;"  so  cut  your 
throat  and  make  hay  of  yourself. 


ll/TR.  J.  P.  ROSE,  an  assistant  postmaster  in  Vermont, 
-L*J-  stole  money  from  letters  a  few  months  ago  and  ran 
away.  Last  week  he  was  arrested  in  Flushing,  New  York. 
The  administration  might  say  of  its  pet-Rose,  in  the  words 
of  the  Coronach : 

u  The  autumn  winds  rushing, 

Take  the  leaves  that  are  serest, 
But  our  flower  was  in  flushing , 
When  blighting  was  nearest." 


THE  sun  is  a  very  bright  body,  but  the  gentle  moon,  when 
she  steps  in  between  him  and  the  earth,  takes  the  shine 
out  of  him. 

SWINGING  is  said  by  the  doctors  to  be  a  good  exercise 
for  the  health ;  but  many  a  poor  wretch  has  come  to  his 
death  by  it. 


A 


S  a  man  drinks  he  generally  grows  reckless ;  in  his  case, 
the  more  drams  the  fewer  scruples. 


ABOUT  the   only  person  that  we  ever  heard   of  that 
wasn't   spoiled  by  being  lionized,  was  a  Jew  named 
Daniel. 


PKENTICEANA.  81 

rpHE  Americans  are  followers  of  us  in  everything.— London 
.1  Age. 

We  must  confess,  that  our  soldiers  followed  yours  in  the 

last  war. 

— ++-• 

mHE  "  New  Hampshire  Patriot »  says  that  "the  light  of 
-1-  day  is  upon  the  political  prospects  of  the  Democracy." 
The  light  of  "  Day  and  Martin,"  we  suppose. 


rPIIE  editor  of  the  "Louisville  Journal,"  not  long  since,  threatened 
JL  to  annihilate  the  whole  Democratic  party,  but  instead  of  that 
•we  find  him  expending  his  strength  upon  two  or  three  individuals 
of  the  party. — Southern  Argus. 

Ah,  but  our  intention  is  to  annihilate  the  whole  party 
piecemeal. .  We  go  upon  the  plan  of  the  Yankee,  who  bet 
that  he  could  swallow  an  Irishman.  Laying  the  Irishman 
clown  upon  the  table,  he  commenced  vigorous  operations 
upon  his  big  toe.  "  Oh  the  d — 1,"  roared  Paddy,  "you  are 
biting  my  toe  off!"  "Why  you  darned  great  fool," 
retorted  Jonathan,  "  did  you  think  I  was  going  to  swallow 
you  whole  f 

QHALL  Harrison  be  President  ?  [Answered  by  spelling  the  name 
\J  backwards.]  No  sirrah. — Buffalo  Republican. 

If  the  locofocos  mean  to  beat  old  Tippecanoe,  they  will 
have  to  take  the  back-track  in  more  things  than  their  spell 
ing. 


T 


HE  editor  of  the  "  Truth  Teller  "  says  that  he  is  "  a  can 
didate  for  nothing."    We  think  he  will  be  elected. 


THE  "Richmond  Inquirer"  says,  that  Mr.  Clay  is  "  some 
times    brilliant,  but   very  unequal."      He   is   certainly 
unequalled. 

4* 


82  PKENTICEANA. 

A  WHITER  in  one  of  our  medical  journals,  inquires  why 
A  it  is  that  women  are  more  liable  to  take  cold  than  men. 
Indeed  we  don't  know,  but  Dr.  Hall  says  that  the  only  way 
to  avoid  taking  cold  under  certain  circumstances  is  to  keep 

the  mouth  shut. 

— »-•-« 

THE  Troy  "  Mail "  says  that  all  the  Democratic  crows  and 
ravens  are  cawing  at  General  Harrison.    The  old  hero 
needn't  mind  them,  their  caws  will  not  injure  his  cause. 


editor  of  the  " Argus,"  whose  acts  of  theft 

-L  we  exposed  the  other  day,  is  a  member  of  the  church. 
We  never  think  of  his  character  without  being  reminded 
of  a  mercantile  firm  in  this  city — PEAY  &  STEEL. 


TT7~E  have  received  from  Yermont  a  new  locofoco  paper, 
W    the  "  Reformer,"  edited  by  D.  C.  French.     If  Mr. 
French  cannot  write  better  English^  his  patrons  should 
make  him.  "  walk  Spanish." 


Ohio  "Republican"  thinks  it  probable  that  Virginia 
-*-  has  been  "  seduced  by  the  administration."  If  she  has, 
God  grant  her  in  due  time  a  happy  deliverance  ! 


THE  Cuba  bloodhounds  do  not  know  the  English  language.     How 
will  they  be  able  to  understand  the  orders  of  the  commanding 
officers. — Fred.  Citizen. 

The  commanding  officers  must  give  them  their  orders  in 
"  dog-latin."  __ 

1UTR.  M.  said,  in  the  Kentucky  House  of  Representatives, 
1VJL  that  he  would  "  rather  be  Mr.  Cilley  in  his  grave  than 
Mr.  Graves  in  Congress."  We  are  very  glad  that  he  has 
sense  enough  to  know  that  he  is  more  fit  to  be  dead  than 
alive. 


PKENTICEAKA.  83 

T  ET  the  Democrats  march  shoulder  to  shoulder,  says  a 
-•^  locofoco  paper ;  "  if  we  must  be  beaten,  let  us  at  least 
meet  our  fate  in  the  fall  discharge  of  our  duty."  "  Hug 
up  to  me,  Peg,"  said  Jonathan  to  his  wife  in  a  dreadful 
thunderstorm ;  "  let's  die  like  men." 


THE  Whigs  of  Jefferson  have  prepared  thirty  barrels  of 
hard  cider  for  the  great  barbecue  at  the  mouth  of  Har- 
rod's  Creek.     So  the  affair  will  not  be  "  all  talk  and  no 
cider." 


PRAY  in  what  respect  is  hard  cider  an  emblem  of  Gen.  Harrison  ? 
—  Globe. 

All  we  know  is  that  it  runs  well. 


A   FATHER    and    son,   Anthony   and    Thomas    Screw, 
escaped  on  the  25th  ult.,  from  the  "VYetumpka  jail. 
There  are  two  screws  loose. 


A  MAE"  was  arrested  in  this  city  on  Saturday  for  uttering  altered 
notes. — St.  Louis  Organ. 

We  are  sorry,  for  our  neighbor's  sake,  that  this  is  con 
sidered  a  crime.  Since  the  Ohio  elections,  he  has  been 
uttering  the  most  strangely  altered  notes  we  ever  heard  in 

our  lives. 

•-•-« — • 

"BEFORE  the  late  election,  the  editor  of  the  "  Indiana 
•D  Sentinel "  felt  victory  in  his  bones.  He  and  his  party 
have  since  been  awfully  thrashed,  and  now  they  feel  that  in 
their  bones. 


A  K.  says  that  "  most  people  are  pleased  with  a  rattle." 
•**••  Amos  needn't  natter  himself.  "  Most  people  "  are  not 
pleased  either  with  his  rattle  or  his  bite. 


84:  PRENTICEANA. 

OUR  neighbor  of  the  "Whig"  has  at  length  got  his  small  craft 
fairly  afloat,  but  he  seems  anxious  to  keep  out  of  the  reach  of 
our  long  gun.     Let  us  get  one  fair  shot  at  him,  and  the  gentleman 
will  be  sunk  in  five  minutes. — Argus. 

We  certainly  do  not  know  of  any  living  editor  that  can 
sink  the  gentleman  more  readily  than  the  editor  of  the 
"Argus."  _^^__ 

IT  seems  no  more  than  right  that  men  should  seize  time 
by  the  forelock,  for  the  rude  old  fellow,  sooner  or  later, 
pulls  all  their  hair  out. 


IT  seems  to  be  strange  that  church  edifices  not  unfre- 
quently  give  way  ;  they  generally  contain  more  sleepers 
than  any  other  sort  of  building. 


MR.  J.  TV.  ANTHONY,  of  the  "  Southern  Recorder," 
threatens  to  bring  his  "  good  editorial  rifle  "  to  bear  on 
us.     Sorry  are  we  to  be  exposed  to  St.  Anthony' >s  fire. 


A  LADY  in  Montreal,  on  the  1st,  recovered  $2,000  of  a 
Maj.  Breckford  for  hugging  and   kissing   her   rather 
roughly.    She  ought  to  set  a  high  value  on  the  money — she 
got  it  by  a  tight  squeeze. 


THE  editor  of  the  "Charleston  Courier"  is  particularly 
happy  and  excoriating  upon  Col.  B.'s  egotism.    He  kills 
him  as  hunters  kill  alligators— by  hitting  him  in  the  "  I." 


THE   "N".  C.  Sentinel"  states  a  case  in  which   a  lady 
obstinately  refused  to  see  her  lover  for  several  days,  and 
at  length  set  a  big  dog  on  him.     That  lady  and  that  gentle 
man  were  certainly  congenial  souls — the  one  was  obstinate, 
and  the  other  dogged. 


PBENTIOEANA.  85 

THE   editor  of  the  "  -     —  Democrat"  says  that  the 
reading  of  the  "  Globe  "  is  as  good  as  a  dinner  to  him. 
A  fellow  who  re'ads  the  "  Globe  "  for  his  dinner  ought  to  be 
put  in  the  stocks  for  his  desert. 


THE  "New  Era"  says,  that  the  New  York  locofocos 
•will  soon  "  show  their  hands."    We   hope   they  will 
wash  them  first. 

OUR  neighbor  of  the  "  Advertiser  "  boasts  that  somebody 
yesterday  gave  him  a  big  beet.     On  the  same  morning, 
a  friend  made   us  a  present   of  a  handsome  riding-whip. 
This  is  a  capital  arrangement — we  sport  switches,  and  our 
neighbor  gets  beet. 

THHE  editor  of  the  " Democrat  "  abuses  the  notes 

-*-  of  one  of  the  Mississippi  banks,  because  they  have  "  a 
red  exterior."  'Tis  not  the  first  time  a  red  rag  has  thrown 
a  cock-turkey  into  a  rage. 


ME.  CLAY  is,  no  doubt,  a  great  man,  but  he  is  too  ambitious. — 
Eastern  Mercury. 

"Ambitious."  True,  he  is  ambitious — but  of  what  ? 
Ambitious  of  the  discharge  of  his  sublime  duties — ambi 
tious  of  rendering  his  country  the  most  glorious  on  earth — 
ambitious  of  making  human  freedom  co-extensive  with  the 
human  race — ambitious  of  placing  his  own  great  name,  by 
his  lofty  deeds  of  moral  daring,  the  first  among  the  sons  of 
light.  Talk  of  ambition— what  is  it  ?— 

"  In  God  'tis  glory — and  when  men  aspire, 
'Tis  but  a  spark  too  much  of  heavenly  fire." 


ONE  of  our  divines  asks  why  Cain,  who  seems  to  have 
offered  his  sacrifice  in  good  faith,  didn't  obtain  divine 
approbation.     Probably  because  he  wasn't  Abel. 


86  PBENTIOEANA. 

THE  editor  of  the  "Pa.  Democrat,"  by  way  of  retorting  a 
J-  hit  of  ours,  quotes  on  us  a  paragraph  from  the  "  Boston 
Post."  'Tis  by  no  means  the  first  time  he  has  caught  at  a 
"  post  "  to  keep  himself  from  falling. 


THE  "  Newtown  Advocate  "  says  that  "  the  editor  of  the 
'  Globe  '  has  much  the  appearance  of  a  ghost."     Look 
at  him  with  his  long  spoon  in  the  treasury  pap-bowl,  and 
you'll  say  he's  a  gobbViri1.  - 


A  "WHIG  editor  in  Indiana  thinks  that  our  neighbor  has 
not  improved  much  under  our  tuition.  It  may  be  so, 
but  Ave  are  not  yet  discouraged  ;  we  trust  to  be  able  to 
make  something  of  him  yet.  We  say  to  him  as  the  French 
man  said  to  his  pet  pig — "  Ah  !  mine  little  piggy,  I  vill 
make  a  man  of  you  if  you  don't  make  a hog  of  your 
self!" 


THE  editor  of  the  " Democrat "  is  making  an  attack 
upon  an  old  file  of  the  "  Louisville  Journal."     He'll  find 
it  a  little  the  hardest  "file  "  that  ever  a  viper  undertook  to 
masticate. 


IN  Indiana,  a  few  days  ago,  a  loafer  grossly  insulted,  by 
vulgar  words,  three  women  whom  he  encountered  in  a 
field.    They  instantly  caught  him,  put  him  into  a  deep  brook, 
and  held  him  there  till  he  was  half  drowned.    They  wouldn't 
brook  the  insult,  preferring  to  brook  the  insulter. 


PNCII  says,  if  you  wish  to  see  the  teeth  of  a  beautiful 
young  lady,  praise  her  rival  before  her  face.     We  think 
the  object  may  often  be  effected  as  well  by  a  pretty  compli 
ment  to  herself.     And  her  teeth  appear  to  the  best  advan 
tage  when  we  are  not  afraid  of  them. 


PKENTICEANA.  87 

A  WESTERN  rhymer  says  that  he  writes  only  when  an 
-£*•  angel  troubles  the  fountain  of  his  soul.  We  don't 
know  that  the  fact  of  his  soul's  being  troubled  gives  him 
the  right  to  trouble  the  souls  of  other  people. 


IT  is  a  common  impression  that  most  ladies  prefer  tall 
lovers  to  short  ones.     So  we  cannot  be  charged  with  a 
want  of  gallantry  in  saying  that  a  lady  generally  likes  to 
draw  a  long  beau. 

A  WELL-KNOWN"  editor  makes  his  boast  that  there  is 
no  other  like  him  in  the  country.     If  there  were  many, 
the  devil  would  be  to  pay — but  then  there  would  be  an 
abundance  to  pay  him  with. 


¥E  have  received  a  copy  of  a  pretended  literary  paper 
from  Illinois,  entitled  "  The  Sublime."     We  have  not 
read  it,  but  AVC  think,  from  its  title,  that  there  is  just  "one 
step  "  between  it  and  its  editor. 


TT7E  find  in  an  exchange  paper  a  list  of  twenty  Land  Re- 
' '     ceivers  detected  in  stealing.     There  is  an  old  adage 
that  "  the  receiver  is  as  bad  as  the  thief;"  but,  in  these 
days,  almost  every  "  Receiver  "  is  a  thief. 


THE  "  New  York  Era "  says  that  Mr.  Flagg,  who  has 
just  been  appointed  postmaster,  fought  in  the  last  war. 
Flagg  saw  but  one  battle,  and  then  he  ran  at  the  first  fire. 
His  commander  might  have  looked  after  him  and  exclaimed 
in  a  tone  of  exultation — Our  flag  is  flying. 


/THE  editor  of  the  "Globe"  says,  that  he  is  "a  son  of  Vir- 
-*-  ginia."  We  suppose  he  is  right  to  tell  of  it.  She  never 
will. 


SS  PKENTICEANA. 

IN  one  of  the  towns  of  Connecticut,  where  a  special  elec 
tion  is  about  to  take  place,  Henry  Day,  S.  S.  Day,  and 
Joel  Johnson,  the  latter  a  furious  locofoco,  are  the  candi 
dates.  We  know  nothing  of  the  two  Days,  but  we  know 
Johnson,  and  have  no  doubt  of  his  making  a  great  run. 
We  remember  him  of  old,  and  can  testify  that  he  always 
runs  best  between  a  couple  of  Days. 


AT  the  last  dates  from  Shelbyville,  Tenn.,  the  editor  of  the 
"  Star,"  whom  our  friend  of  the  "  Murfreesborough  Tele 
graph  "  shot  in  the  jaw  for  slandering  a  lady,  was  again  at  his 
post.  He  will  be  particular  hereafter  to  wag  his  jaw  with 
some  little  care.  Perhaps  he  will  occasionally  venture  to 
give  people  "  a  piece  of  his  jaw,"  but  a  piece  is  all  he  ever 
will  have  to  give. 

rpHE  "  Globe  "  ridicules  the  cloud-compelling,  storm-rais- 
J-  ing  Mr.  Espy.  If  that  ingenious  enthusiast  has  discovered 
any  new  mode  of  "  raising  the  wind,"  we  advise  the  admin 
istration,  instead  of  laughing  at  him,  to  engage  his  services 
as  speedily  as  possible. 

¥E  predicted  before  the  election  in  New  York  that  the  Demo 
crats  would  carry  it.     We  take  some  credit  to  ourselves  for 
our  sagacity. — Eastern  Democrat. 

You  have  been  constantly  predicting  for  the  last  five 
years,  that  the  locofocos  would  carry  every  election  ;  and 
now  you  claim  credit  for  sagacity,  because,  after  having 
been  wrong  ten  times,  you  happen  to  be  right  once. 
"  Sammy,"  said  a  doting  mother  to  her  pet,  "  tell  the  gen 
tleman  how  much  twice  six  makes."  "  Seven."  "  No." 
"Eight."  "No."  "Nine."  "No."  "Ten."  "No." 
"Eleven."  "No."  "Twelve."  "Ah,  yes— that's  right, 
Sammy — you're  a  bright  boy."  Don't  you  think,  my  dear 
sir,  that  this  youth,  if  he  lives  and  has  his  health,  will  cut  a 
very  extraordinary  figure  ? 


PKENTICEANA.  89 

rPHE  "  National  Gazette "  says  that  "  the  administration 
J-  delights  to  show  off  its  friends."  No,  it  appoints  them 
leg-treasurers,  and  puts  the  public  money  into  their  hands, 
and  then  they  show  themselves  "  off?* 


THE  editor  of  the  " Argus  "  says  he  expects  soon 
to  hear  the  Whigs  call  black  white.     Well,  what  if  they 
do  ?     His  practice  shows  that  he  doesn't  know  the  differ 
ence. 


w 


HY  should  not  the  government  use  bloodhounds  against  the 
Indian  murderers  ? — Baltimore  Post. 

Sure  enough.     It  uses  dogs  to  fight  its  political  battles — 
and  why  not  to  fight  its  military  ones  ? 


THE  Federalists  profess  to  have  "  lopped  off  the  arms  "  of  the 
Democracy  of  this  State,  but  they  will  find  it  a  Briareus  of  a 
hundred  arms. — N".  Y.  Democrat. 

And  not  only  a  hundred  arms  but  a  hundred  legs — the 
arms  all  busy  in  stealing,  and  the  legs  in  running  away  with 
the  plunder. 

T)  ETUKN"  a  kiss  for  a  blow. — Sunday  School  Union. 

Jti 

Always  provided  the  giver  of  the  blow  be  a  pretty  girl. 


W 


E  like  steamboat  officers,  and  hate  rascals;   but  will 
always  thank  both  alike  to  give  us  "  a  wide  berth." 


AN  Indiana  paper  wants  to  know  whether  the  editor  of 
the  "  —   Advertiser "  was  sober  when  he  said  that 

the  Democracy  would  elect  the  whole  Congressional  delega 
tion  from  this  State.     No,  "not  by  a  jug-full." 


90  PRENTICEANA. 

THE  editor  of  the  " Times "  says  he  sometimes 

-!•   blushes  that  he  is  a  mau.     His  friends  blush  daily  that 
he  isn't. 

MR.  J.  "W".  SHOP  is   a  Democratic  candidate  for   the 
Legislature  in  Vermont.     No  doubt  the  locofocos  ex 
pect  to  lift  him  into  office ;  a  good  many  of  them  are  great 
at  Shop-lifting. 

AMR.  E.  A.  GLASS  talks  of  establishing  a  new  locofoco 
paper  in  Alabama.     From  a  notice  we  have  seen  of  Mr. 
Glass,  we  presume  that  he  is  one  of  those  Glasses  generally 
called  tumblers. 

ANEW  YORK  paper  asks  "  what  ought  to  be  done  with 
a  man  who  cuts  off  a  large  piece  of  a  loafer's  ear." 
We  suppose  he  should  be  bound  to  keep  the  piece. 


THE  Ohio  River  is  getting  lower  and  lower  every  day.   It 
has  almost  ceased  to  run.     All  who  look  at  it  can  at 
once  perceive  that  it  exhibits  very  little  speed,  but  a  great 

deal  of  bottom. 

••• 

THE    editor   of  the  " Democrat"  threatens  "to 
touch  off  the  dark  shadows  of  our  character."     Let  him 
beware,  lest  while  he  is  busying  himself  upon  our  shadows, 
we  poke  him  in  his  lights. 


ONE  of  the  editors  in  the  south  of  Kentucky  tells  of  the  immense 
crops  of  corn  and  hemp  raised  by  a  farmer  in  his  neighborhood. 
We  can  believe  his  corn  story,  but  we  can't  swallow  the  hemp. — 
Democrat. 

Pray,  do  not  try  to  "  swallow  the  hemp."  You  are  in 
especial  danger  of  getting  choked  some  time  or  other  by 
that  article. 


PKENTICEANA.  91 

THE  "  New  Era  "  gives  an  amusing  account  of  a  Democrat  get 
ting  the  advantage  of  a  couple  of  Whig  brokers  by  certain 
operations  on  Time. — Pa.  Journal. 

He  stole  their  watches,  we  suppose. 


MANY  of  our  theatres  advertise  "  promenade  tickets  at 
low  prices."     At  Washington,  such  tickets  are  some 
times  distributed  gratis.     There  they  are  better  known  as 
walking  tickets. 

A  WORTHY  young  editor,  who  has  just  gone  into  busi- 
-£*•  ness  in  the  West,  boasts  that  his  paper  "  at  present 
augers  well."  We  hope  and  believe  he  doesn't  mean  that 
it  is  a  great  bore.  ___ 

A  WRITER,  dwelling  upon  the  importance  of  small  things, 
-^J-  says  that  he  always  takes  "note  even  of  a  straw." 
Especially,  perhaps,  if  there's  a  julep  at  one  end  of  it. 


A  1ST  acquaintance  boasts  that  his  virtues  are  in  everybody's 
mouth.     He  is  decidedly  mistaken.     His  vices  are  in 
other  people's  mouths,  and  his  virtues  in  his  eye. 


N"  Illinois  editor  asks  how  to  kill  humbugs.     Let  him 
-  swallow  a  little  prussic  acid,  and  he  will  dispatch  one. 


AN  uncourteous  editor  says,  that,  if  he  wanted  a  fit  oppo 
nent  for  us,  he  "  would  send  to  the  penitentiary."     He 
is  far  less  likely  to  send  than  go. 


A  LMOST  every  week  a  number  of  newspapers  are  discon. 
J-*-  tinned  in  different  parts  of  the  country.  We  fear  the 
reason  is,  that  the  proprietors,  like  a  cat  chasing  her  tail, 
cannot  quite  make  the  two  ends  meet. 


92  PRENTICEANA. 

T)EOPLE  have  a  great  deal  to  say  about  ugly  faces. 

know  an  unfortunate  follow,  who  is  afraid  to  travel,  for 
when  he  does  he  gets  whipped  a  dozen  times  a  day  by  per 
sons  who  erroneously  fancy  that  he  is  making  mouths  at 
them. 


DOCTOR proposes  to  "  measure  Old  Tip  and  ascer 
tain  his  intellectual  dimensions."     We  much  doubt  whe 
ther  the  doctor  can  measure  Tip,  though  every  bar-keeper 
knows  that  he  can  tip  a  measure  as  quick  as  any  other  man. 


A  WRITER  in  the  "Baltimore  Post"   says   that  "the 
Democratic   cause   never  appeared    in  more   celestial 
colors  than  at  present.     Probably  the  fellow  means  that  it 
looks  blue. 


THE  "  Globe  "  says  "  there  is  not  a  solitary  evidence  of 
Gen.  Harrison's  fitness  for  the  Presidency."     True,  the 
evidences  of  the  old  general's  fitness  are  not  solitary ;  they 

go  in  crowds. 

•--•-• 

THE    "Bait.    Republican"    talks    about    Whig    house 
breakers."      There's  very  little  doubt,  that  the  Whigs 
will  break  into  the  White  House  and  all  the  other  public 
buildings  on  the  4th  of  March.* 


fTHERE  is  a  "  Whig  "  in  this  city  who  has  lately  drank  such  enor- 
JL  mous  quantities  of  "hard  cider  "  that  crab-apples  have  grown 
from  the  end  of  his  ears  and  his  nose. — Spirit  of  the  Times. 

And  do  you  not  remember  the  time,  when,  in  an  ecstasy 
of  locofocoism,  you  shouted  for  "  old  Hickory  "  until  the 
marks  of  a  pretty  sizable  hickory  were  visible  all  over  your 
back  and  shoulders  ? 

*  General  Harrison  took  possession  4th  March,  1841. 


PBENTIOEA^A.  93 

THE  "  Globe »  says  that  "  a  Whig  is  always  careful   to 
keep  one  hand  on  his  pocket."     It  is  a  shame,  that  the 
light-fingered  habits  of  certain  locofocos  render  such  pre 
caution  necessary. 

MR.  VAN   BUREN   and  General  Harrison  have  both 
been  "  followers  in  the  footsteps."     Mr.  Van  Buren  has 
followed  the  footsteps  of  his  predecessor  in  office,  and  old 
Tippecanoe  followed  the  footsteps  of  Proctor  and  his  myr 
midons  in  the  day  of  his  country's  peril. 


"  T"  ET  us  take   an  honest  view  of   parties,"    says  the 
±J  "  Globe."     "  Let's  see,"  said  the  blind  man. 


MR.  CAIN,  of  the  " Democrat,"  threatens  to  exter 
minate  the  hydra  of  corruption  from  the  land.     So  we 
may  look  out  for  another  exhibition  of  the  drama  of  "  Cain 

killing  his  brother." 

»-•-• — 

SOME  of  the  Whigs  of  Ohio,  a  few  days  ago,  burned  a 
barrel   of  whisky.     Col. ,  on  hearing  of  it,  was  in 

a  terrible  rage.  "  "  The  rascally  British  Whigs  have  burned 
me  in  eifiqy  I "  he  exclaimed. 


¥E  should  not,  in  our  attempts  to  elevate  ourselves,  lose 
sight  of  safety.      He  who  stands  upon  a  tall  man's 
shoulders,  can  look  over  the  heads  of  those  around  him,  but;, 
his  footing  is  much  less  secure  than  theirs. 


IT  is  dangerous  for  such  chaps  as  the  editors  of  a  Grand 
Gulf  paper  to  try  to  imitate  us.     Did  they  never  hear  of 
the  monkey  that  cut  his  weasand  in  an  attempt  to  imitate  a 
barber  ? 


94:  PEENTIOEANA. 

A  NOTIIER  attempt  has  been  made  in  Mississippi  to  burn 
-£*-  down  a  court-house.  It  is  in  vain  for  miscreants  to  try 
to  escape,  by  such  means,  the  penalties  due  to  their  crimes. 
If  justice  be  driven  from  her  temple,  she  can  officiate  under 
the  humblest  roof,  or  even  under  the  broad  blue  sky,  with 
her  scales  suspended  in  the  open  air  and  her  sword  flashing 
in  the  sun. 

THE  "  Quincy  Argus  "  died  on  the  5th  inst.     A  young 
jackass,  however,  was  born  within  the  town-limits  on 
the  same  day.     So  the  town  gained  as  much  intelligence  as 

it  lost. 

— •-•-• 

INHERE  never  were  more  than  two  ideas  in  Mr.  P.'s  skull, 
J-  but  they  generally  manage  to  make  as  much  noise  as 
two  peas  in  a  dried  bladder. 


THE  "  Globe  "  says  that  "  such  patriotism  as  Mr.  Clay's 
will  not  answer."     True  enough,  for  it  can't  be  ques. 
tioned.  ___ 

THE  locofocos,  as   we  understand,  talk    of  establishing 
another   paper  in  Kentucky.      They  certainly  need  a 
fifth  paper  as  much  as  the  Irishman  needed  a  fifth  candle. 
"  Bring  me  another,  you  spalpeen,  that  I  may  see  how  these 
four  burn." 

A  "WRITER  in  the  New  York  "True  Sun"  is  advising 
the  editor   of  the  "  Globe  "  to  know  himself.     That's 
advising  him  to  form  a  very  low  acquaintance. 


QOMEBODY  broke  into  the  barn  of  a  farmer  in  Madison 
^  county,  and  stole  ten  bushels  of  wheat.  Probably  it 
was  one  of  Mr.  Van  Buren's  leg-treasurers.  Most  of  them 
are  thieves  in  grain. 


PKENTICEANA.  95 

E  can  count  no  less  than  1,000  political  falsehoods  uttered 
within  the  last  month. — Globe. 

Most  of  the  falsehoods,  that  you  can  count,  have  been 
nailed  to  the  counter. 


rnilE  locofocos  at  Knoxville  held  their  orgies  at  the  foot 
-L  of  "  Gallows  Hill."  They  deserved  to  occupy  higher 
ground. 

'  THELLO W  citizens,  hear  an  honest  man. —  Globe. 
JJ 

How  can  they,  when  you  keep  up  such  a  gabble  ? 


rnilE  Washington  correspondent  of  the  "Emporium"  says 
-*-  of  Col.  A.  L.  D.,  that  every  feature  of  his  face  is  "  demo 
cratic."  This  is  hardly  true.  The  Colonel,  we  understand, 
has  a  regal  nose — it  has  assumed  the  purple. 


TT  appears  that  the  locofoco  pole  at  Jeffersontown  wa* 
-A-  very  badly  put  up.  One  of  the  speakers  had  to  keep  an 
arm  around  it  the  whole  time  he  was  speaking. 


A  MR.  BARRY  has  recently  distinguished  himself  as  a 
-£*•  vocalist  in  New  Orleans.  Probably  his  voice  is  a  fine 
Barry-tone.  ^_ 

THERE'S  a  great  difference  between  honor  and  honesty ; 
A-  the  former,  it  is  said,  "  exists  among  thieves,"  the  latter 
certainly  does  not. 


rPHE  Trenton  "Emporium"  thinks  that  although  Har- 
-*•  rison  is  elected,  the  Democrats  are  entitled  to  at  least 
a  fourth  of  the  offices  ?  A  fourth  !  Isn't  that  calling  for 
quarter  f 


96  PKENTIOEANA. 


c 


1  OUTRAGE,  like  cowardice,  is  undoubtedly  contagious, 
but  some  persons  are  not  liable  to  catch  it. 


'  f  TTAVE  I  changed  ?"  exclaims  Gov.  P.    We  don't  know. 
•*••*•  That  depends  on  whether  you  ever  were  an  honest 

man. 

» •  • 

HAS  our  neighbor,  since  the  loss  of  the  "  twine  "  con 
tract  gone  into  the  silk  business  ?    He  was  reeling  all 
day  Sunday. 

TVTOBODY  can  make  a  newspaper  to  suit  those  whose 
-*•*  tastes  and  opinions  are  always  changing.  A  milliner 
might  as  well  try  to  make  a  petticoat  to  fit  the  moon. 


HOW  very  anxious  Mr.  Van  Buren  must  be  for  a  standing 
army,  now  that  his  lying  one  has  been  so  utterly  put 
to  rout ! 


THE  "  Louisville  Advertiser  "  states  that  Dr. and  Mr. , 
are  about  to  visit  Louisville  for  the  purpose  of  settling  some 
difficulties  with  the  editor  of  the    "Louisville  Journal." — Phil. 
Enquirer. 

We  have  no  expectation  of  falling  by  the  hands  of  either 
a  forger  or  a  thief.  If  the  one  were  to  visit  Louisville,  we 
should  simply  take  precautions  against  the  counterfeiting  of 
our  name,  and,  if  the  other  were  to  come,  we  should  merely 
lock  up  our  spoons. 

fTlIIERE  may  be  some  truth  in  the  discovery  made  by  the 
-   editors   of  the  "Gazette,"   that  the   "Journal"   is   a 
"  milk-sickness  "  paper :  for  it  is  known  to  have  given  many 
a  rascal  "  the  trembles." 


PKENTICEANA.  97 

A  CONTEMPORARY  inquires  if  the  young  ladies  of  the 
present  day  are  fitted  for  wives.     A  much  more  impor 
tant  inquiry,  is,  whether  they  are  fitted  for  husbands. 


/"I  ALL  a  lady  "  a  chicken,"  and  ten  to  one  she  is  angry. 
\J  Tell  her  she  is  "  no  chicken,"  and  twenty  to  one  she  is 
still  angrier. 

T  64  VOU  seem  to  walk  more  erect  than  usual,  my  friend.' 
-*-    "  Yes,  I  have  been  straitened  by  circumstances." 


TTAVE  you  any  powder  ?"   said   a   sportsman  to  his 
J-l  companion.     "  Yes,  in  a  horn." 


fTHE  locofocos  make  banks  whenever  they  get  a  chance, 
-*-  and  quiet  their  consciences  by  denouncing  all  corpora 
tions.  They  are  as  ingenious  as  the  Connecticut  deacon, 
who  used  to  hunt  and  fish  on  Sunday,  always  making  his 
spiritual  peace  the  while  by  whistling  psalm-tunes. 


A  WRITER  in  the  "Globe"  says,  he  "laughs  at  the 
present   condition   of  the  Whigs.'*     He  is   evidently, 
however,  too  economical  to  laugh  with  his  whole  mouth. 
He  laughs  only  out  of  one  side  of  it,  and  that  the  wrong 
one.  

MR.  TYLER,  don't  get  restive  at  a  single  hiss.     Go  to 
the  top  of  the  White  House,  and,  as  your  ears  catch  the 
gale,  you  will  think  us  a  generation  of  vipers. 


T)ULWER  says  that  "  death  often  changes  aversion  into 
-L)  love."  Certainly  it  does ;.  we  may  have  an  antipathy  to 
sheep  and  swine,  and  yet  love  mutton  and  pork. 

5 


98  PRENTIOEANA. 

\TEVER  was  a  man  in  this  country  execrated  with  more 
m  bitterness  than  Mr.  Tyler.  If  all  the  breath,  vented  in 
curses  on  him,  were  concentrated  into  one  whirlwind,  it 
would  be  strong  enough  to  scatter  the  White  House  over 
his  head. 

WE  are  not  disposed  to  denounce  the  President ;  "  hard  words 
butter  no  parsnips." — Cin.  Gazette. 

And  we  too  might  be  disposed  to  forego  the  use  of  hard 
words,  if  we  had  no  nobler  object  in  view  than  to  butter 
our  parsnips. 

AS  Claude  R.'s  wife  sat  quietly  in  the  twilight,  a  fellow 
stole  behind  her  and  kissed  her.     "  Is  it  Claude  ?"  she 
asked  hurriedly.     "No,  dear  madam."     A  moment  after 
ward  he  was  heard  to  exclaim,    "  Oh   yes,  I   am   claw'd 
now,  indeed  I  am." 

M  T  AM  certain,  wife,  that  I  am  right  and  that  you  are 
•*•  wrong;  I'll  bet  my  ears  on  it."     " Indeed,  husband, 
you  shouldn't  carry  betting  to  such  extreme  lengths." 


OUR  modern  cities,  though  bad  enough,  are  certainly  a 
great  deal  better  than  ancient  Sodom;  they  have  a 

thousand  good  lots. 

— •-•-• 

AN  old  lover  is  ridiculous ;  you  had  better  give  up  all 
thoughts  of  love-letters  when  you  can  no  longer  read 
them  without  spectacles. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Madisonian  "  thinks  it  strange  that  he 
has  lost  his  Whig  subscribers.     He  says  that  he  has  pur 
sued  "  the  true  old-fashioned  course  of  policy."     We  do  not 
deny  that  his  course  is  old-fashioned.     The  fashion  of  truck 
ling  to  power  is  as  old  as  the  world. 


PBENTICEANA.  99 

FT1HERE  is  many  a  man  whose  tongue  might  govern  multi- 
-*-  tudes,  if  he  could  only  govern  his  tongue. 


THE  "  Advertiser  "  charges  that  the  Whig  party  is  made 
up  of  "  odds  and  ends."     We  admit  that,  in  a  contest 
between  the  Whig  and  locofoco  parties,  the  "  odds  "  are 
all  on  our  side. 

TAMES  RAY  and  John  Parr  have  started  a  locofoco 
*J  paper  in  Maine,  called  the  "  Democrat."  Parr,  in  all 
that  pertains  to  decency,  is  below  zero  ;  and  Ray  is  below 
Parr. 


THE  Louisville  people  burnt  President  Tyler  in  effigy  when  they 
got  his  veto  message.     This  is  a  free  country,  thank  God ;  and 
everybody  who  chooses  can  make  himself  an  ass. — N.  0.  Adver 
tiser. 

You've  tried  the  experiment  often  enough  to  know. 


fTlHE  editor  of  the still  insists  that  the  land  dis- 

-L  tributing  bill  proposes  to  "  bribe  the  States  with  their 
own  money."  The  proceeds  of  the  sales  of  the  public  lands 
belong  to  the  States ;  but  the  editor  thinks  that  when  a 
creditor  receives  his  just  claims,  he  is  necessarily  "  bribed 
with  his  own  money."  We  can  assure  him  that  he  left 
creditors  in  this  State  who  would  like  nothing  better  than 
for  him  to  "bribe  them  with  their  own  money,"  as  he 
calls,  it. 


LAST  night  Gen.  Quitman  made  a  political  speech  at  the 
Court  House.     Before  he  began,  the  audience  shouted 
"  Quitman!  Quitman!  Quitman!"     Before  he  had  spoken 
ten  minutes,  they  were  half  disposed  to  shout — Quit,  man  1 
Quit,  man  !  Quit,  man  ! 


100  PKENTIOEANA. 


"  TTfHEN  are  we  to  have  'better  times,'  'better  wages,'   and 
if     'roast  beef  and  turkey  every  day,'  as  promised  by  tho 
Whigs  before  the  election  ?"  —  Nashville  Union. 

Pshaw,  Jerry  !  You  are  Mr.  Tyler's  official  printer  ;  and 
are  you  not  ashamed,  while  your  "  fair  round  belly  "  is  filled, 
almost  to  bursting,  with  government  pudding,  to  wheeze 
out  questions  about  the  roast-beef  and  turkey  ? 


ripHEY  have  got  up  a  caricature  of  Mr.  Tyler  at  Washmg- 
J-  ton.  His  legs  are  represented  by  Mr.  Wise  and  Mr. 
Profit.  A  curious-looking  sort  of  a  leg  Profit  must  be — 
all  calf. 

ALOCOFOCO  editor  in  Mississippi  speaks  lightly  of  our 
calibre.    He  calls  us  "  a  two-pounder."    Now,  although 
we  are  not  ourself  a  two-pounder,  the  Mississippi  rascal  may 
chance  to  find,  some  day  or  other,  that  our  two  fists  are  tivo 
pounders. 

ONE  of  the  Rhode  Island  anarchists  writes  to  Washing 
ton  :   "  We  are  completely  done  /   we  shall  go  to  the 

d 1  unless  we  can  get  help."     It  is  an  old  maxim,  that 

what's  done  can't  be  helped. 


AN  editor,  who  tries  always  to  be  funny,  and  succeeds 
once  in  a  while,  calls  us  "a  strange  bird,"  and  says  he 
doesn't  exactly  know  "  what  species  "  we  belong  to.  We 
are  quite  as  much  at  a  loss  in  classifying  him.  He  has  the 
gait  of  a  duck,  the  face  of  an  owl,  the  voice  of  a  guinea-hen, 
the  odor  of  a  buzzard,  and  the  morals  of  a  chicken-hawk. 


SOME  people  seem  as  if  they  can  never  have  been  chil 
dren,  and  others  seem  as  if  they  could  never  be  any 
thing  else. 


P  B  E  N  T  I  0  E  A  N  A 


A  PERSON  recently  started  a  . 

the  name  of  "  The  Titan  "  —  got  out  dne"  ^number;  ;to6k 
to  hard  drink,  and  disappeared.  If  the  work  shall  ever  be 
recommenced,  let  it  be  as  "  The  Titan,"  edited  by  "  The 
Tight  'un.»  __ 

A    YOUNG  lady  isn't  apt  to  find  out  that  she  ever  had 
<&-  a  heart  till  she  has  unhappily  lost  it. 


most  smiling  and  placid  countenance  oftentimes 
masks  the  most  dangerous  temper.  The  most  terrible 
thunderbolt  we  ever  saw  was  shot  from  a  cloud  arched  by  a 
beautiful  rainbow. 


fTlHE  " Sentinel "  speaks  of  a  certain  Whig  as  "  a 

•*•   stern  man."     Has  he  ever  administered  a  stern  rebuke 
to  the  editor  of  that  paper  ? 


fTHE  doctors  ought  surely  to  be  able  to  escape  calumny. 
-L  It  is  held  that  no  man  living  should  speak  ill  of  them, 
and  the  dead  can't. 


¥ 


E  are  often  asked  why  it  is  that  so  many  married  women 
of  genius  are  unhappy  in  their  domestic  relations.  It 
can  only  be  because  they  choose  unwisely.  What  could  be 
expected  from  the  mating  of  the  eagle  with  the  barn-door 
fowl? 


U  WHEREVER  I  go,"  said  a  gentleman  remarkable  for 
his  State  pride,  "  I  am  sure  to  find  sensible  and  in 
telligent  men  from  my  own  State."  No  wonder,  for  every 
man  in  that  State  who  has  any  sense,  leaves  it  as  fast  as 
he  can. 


102        \/  H::       PKENTICEANA. 


^'  a  ri.du  of  ths  inhabitants  of  certain  islands  not  to  allow 
a  young  man  to  get  married  until  he  can  cut  a  sponge  at 
a  depth  of  forty  feet.  A  man  isn't  fit  to  get  married  till  he 
can  cut  a  sponge,  no  matter  at  what  distance. 


\T7"HEN  we  see  with  what  extraordinary  facility  political 
» »  parties  make  platforms  and  abandon  them,  it  occurs  to 
us  that  they  might  very  appropriately  publish  such  a  notice 
as  we  occasionally  see  upon  the  railroad  cars  "  Passengers 
are  not  allowed  to  stand  upon  the  platform." 


OUR  fashionable  ladies  would  seem  to  be  growing  smart, 
for  it  was  never  before   so  hard  to  get  round  them, 
They  would  seem,  too,  to  be  growing  prudish,  for  they 
never  before  kept  the  gentlemen  at  so  great  a  distance. 


"X/'OUNG  men  cannot  too  scrupulously  avoid  bad  habits. 
JL  It  is  sometimes  nearly  as  difficult  for  a  youth  to  change 
a  habit,  once  formed,  as  it  was  for  Hercules,  after  putting  on 
the  shirt  of  Nessus,  to  change  his  linen. 


INSANITY  seems  catching.  An  extraordinary  number 
-1  of  persons,  have  recently,  like  the  money  market,  gone 
deranged. 

A  DISTINGUISHED  writer  says  that  "  nothing  is  best 
achieved   by  indirection."      The  working  of  a   cork 
screw  would  seem  to  be  a  refutation  of  that  plausible  theory. 


A  DISTINGUISHED  English  novelist  has  recorded  that, 
in  travelling  through  the  United  States,  he  found  but 
one  hotel  where  he  was  supplied  with  water  enough  to  wash 
himself.    He  must  be  a  dirty  fellow,  if  ever  there  was  one. 


A 


PBENTICEANA.  103 

MODERN  tourist  calls  the  Niagara  River  "  the  pride 
of  rivers."     That  pride  certainly  has  a  tremendous  fall. 


MEN  can  seldom  decide  in  an  instant  whether  they  are  in 
danger  or  not.     We  have  frequently  seen  persons  hi 
railroad  cars  jerk  their  heads  back  in  passing  objects  lest 
they  might  break  their  noses,  though  the  noses  could  be  in 
no  danger  unless  four  or  five  feet  long. 


A  FRIEND  has  sent  us  a  fine  engraving,  representing  an 
eminent  poet  borne  upward  into  the  air  by  an  eagle. 
We  never  before  saw  a  poet  upon  the  back  of  an  eagle, 
though  we  are  grieved  to  confess  that  we  have  seen  many  a 
one  "  upon  a  lark." 


"  T   HAVE  no  apprehension  that  the  devil  will  ever  come 
A  for  me,"  said  a  youth  of  questionable  morals.     "  He 
will  not  be  silly  enough  to  take  the  trouble,"  said  a  bystand 
er,  "  for  you  are  going  straight  to  him." 


A  MAN  was  shot  the  other  day  in  New  Orleans.  One  of 
the  papers  of  that  city  thinks  "  he  is  not  dangerous." 
Unquestionably,  the  man  that  shot  him  is  a  good  deal  more 
so. 


we  lack  in  natural  abilities  may  usually  be  made 
up  by  industry.  A  dwarf  may  keep  pace  with  a  giant 
if  he  will  but  move  his  legs  fast  enough. 


EN  will  always  be  apt  to  think  the  money  market  tight 
if  they  are  in  the  unfortunate  habit  of  getting  so  them 
selves. 


104:  PEENTIOEANA. 

'  ^  f  AND  my  brother  are  engaged  in  the  temperance 
-*-  cause,"  said  a  loafer.  "  He,  gives  public  lectures  upon 
the  virtue  of  temperance,  and  I  go  about  exhibiting  illus 
trations  of  the  effects  of  intemperance."  Now,  our  neigh 
bor-in  law  has  a  decided  advantage  of  that  pair  of  brothers. 
He  combines  the  functions  of  both. 


AK.,  speaking  of  the  size  of  his  paper,  says  that  he 
•  has  "  ample  room  and  verge  enough."    He  may  as 
well  complete  the  quotation  : 

"  Ample  room  and  verge  enough 

The  characters  of  hell  to  trace." 


TE  who  joins  the  Kepublican  standard  will  not  be  questioned 
_LL  about  his  former  opinions. — Madiscmian. 

This  is  the  style  of  the  usual  notifications  to  thieves — 
"  Whoever  will  return  said  property  shall  have  five  dollars 
reward,  and  no  questions  asked  !" 


M  JOHN  TYLER  is  every  inch  a  Roman,"  says  the  "Madi- 
v  sonian."  We  admit  that  he  is  a  Roman  so  far  as  his 
nose  is  concerned,  and  his  nose  is  an  unconscionably  long 
one.  So,  although  he  is  not  every  inch,  he  is  about  two 
inches  and  a  half  a  Roman. 


riE  administration   paper   complains  that   "  the  Whigs 
will  grant  no  terms  to  the  President."     That's  a  fact. 
He  has  one  term — let  him  make  the  most  of  it ;  but  terms 
are  out  of  the  question. 


THE  "  Nashville  Union  "  says  that  the  locofoco  party  is 
"  the  poor  man's  party."     If  a  man  has  no  better  party, 
he  must  be  poor  indeed. 


PBENTICEANA.  105 

IF  Mr.  Tyler  is  to  be  believed,  it  is  unconstitutional  that 
he  should  hold  the  office  of  President.     He  says  in  his 
last  veto  message,  that  the  Constitution  never  designed  that 
the  Executive  should  be  a  cipher. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Free  Trader »  thinks  that,  in  the 
manufacture  of  cotton  bagging,  the  people  of  the  South 
can  compete  with  Kentucky  hemp,  "  if  properly  protected." 
We  assure  the  editor  that  he  need  have  no  hope  that  any 
thing  on  earth  can  ever  protect  him  against  "  hemp." 


-'  A  HATTER  in  our  town  advertises  that  his  hats  sit  so 
-£*•  easily  upon  the  head  that  the  wearers  scarcely  feel 
them.  Unquestionably  the  best  hats  are  not  felt. 


SOME  of  the  southern  papers  say  that  "  Cotton  is  king." 
A  Kentucky  paper  says  that  "  Tobacco  is  king."     It 
certainly  reigns  in  a  great  many  mouths.     We  must  say, 
however,  that  it  seems  to  have  rather  foul  kingdoms. 


A  CORRESPONDENT  of  the  "  Albany  Evening  Jour- 
"  nal "  says  that  "  such  a  political  monstrosity  as  John 
Tyler  is  unprecedented."  We  rather  think  that,  in  1844, 
such  a  political  monstrosity  will  be  un-Presidented. 


AN  abusive  contemporary  tells  us  that  we  shall  never 
escape  him — that  he  will  ever  be  with  us  as  our  shadow. 
We  can't  keep  such  a  shadow  as  that.  We  have  read,  in  a 
wild  German  story,  that  a  man  sold  his  shadow  to  the  devil, 
who  at  once  rolled  it  up  and  put  it  in  his  pocket.  We  have 
no  objections  to  disposing  of  ours  in  the  same  way.  What 
will  you  give,  Beelzebub  ? ' 


106  PRENTICEANA. 

M  TTAVE  you  any  loose  change  this  morning  ?"     "  No, 
-*--*•  indeed — money  is  tight." 


1T7E  suppose  there  are  some  virtues  that  may  exist  in  the 
• '    worst  hearts,  even  as  there  are  some  kinds  of  fire  that 
will  burn  under  water. 


T)  EJECTED  courtesy  becomes  enmity.  If  the  extended 
J-t  hand  is  refused,  the  mere  closing  of  the  fingers  changes 
it  to 


IF  our  people  would  have  change  in  their  pockets,  they 
must  first  have  some  in  their  habits  of  life.     In  that  case, 
"  change  will  follow  change." 


are  sometimes  signs  of  ideas,  and  quite  as  often 
of  the  want  of  them. 


AN"  ex-oificeholder,  who  performed  his  functions  badly, 
boasts  in  a  publication  that  he  "  at  least  understood  the 
four  ground  rules  of  arithmetic."  No  doubt  of  it.  He 
multiplied  his  speculations,  subtracted  from  the  public 
money  till  nothing  remained,  divided  the  whole  between 
himself  and  an  accomplice — and,  unquestionably,  proved 
himselfjln  various  ways,  the  greatest  adder  in  the  land. 


A    POET,  who  has  earned  considerable  reputation,  writes  : 

"  Why  sit  I  silent  in  this  lonely  world 
To  hear  the  raven's  cry  ?" 

We  presume  that  he  hears  the  raven  for  his  caws  and  is 
silent  that  he  may  hear. 


PBENTIOEANA.  107 

general  opinion  is  that  the  vainest  of  all  birds  is  the 
peacock.  We  think  the  goose  is.  A  goose,  when  enter 
ing  a  barn  through  the  doorway,  invariably  bobs  her  head 
to  avoid  hitting  the  top.  Evidently  every  goose  thinks 
herself  at  least  fifteen  feet  high. 


npHE  moon  has  been  rising  for  some  nights  with  a  face  red  like  a 
JL  toper's.  — Middlebury  Watchman. 

Make  no  imputations  against  Cynthia's  sobriety.     She 
"  fills  her  horn  "  only  once  a  month. 


A  CORRESPONDENT,  who  signs  himself  "Way 
farer,"  professes  to  understand  us  to  say  that  we  will 
go  for  no  national  bank  unless  it  be  just  such  a  one  as  Mr. 
Biddle's.  The  "  Wayfarer  "  mistakes  us  strangely.  We 
must  make  our  future  remarks  so  plain,  that  "  the  wayfar 
ing  man,  though  a  fool,  may  not  err." 


SOME  of  the  leading  locofocos  intimate  that  they  are  in 
possession  of  Mr.  Tyler's  secrets,  and  hint,  that,  unless 
he  adheres  to  his  opposition  to  a  bank,  they  will  expose  him. 
His  Accldency,  we  fear,  is  in  a  bad  fix.  "  Sir,"  said  an  old 
woman  to  a  loafing  neighbor,  "  if  you  don't  send  home  my 
husband's  breeches,  I'll  expose  you."  "  Madam,"  replied 
the  loafer,  "  if  I  do  I  shall  expose  myself." 


OF  the  brood  of  banks  created  by  the  locofocos  in  this  State,  all 
but  a  single  bank  in  Natchez  are  hopelessly  insolvent. — Miss. 
Paper. 

The  spirit  of  locofocoism  might  address  that  bank  as 
Falstaif  addressed  his  solitary  companion  :  "  Here  stand  I, 
in  thy  presence,  like  a  big  sow  that  has  overwhelmed  all  her 
litter  but  one." 


108  P'KENTICEANA 


new  editor  of  the  Madisonian  daily  discharges  his  poc- 
ket-pistol  at  Mr.  Clay.  His  intentions  are  very  chival 
rous,  but  the  results  are,  for  the  most  part,  very  unfor 
tunate.  He  — 

"  Cocks  trigger  as  a  brave  man  should, 
But  shoots  (God  bless  'em)  his  own  toes." 


¥E  hate  to  see  editors  eternally  begging  and  supplicating 
a  reluctant  public  to  come  to  their  rescue  and  keep 
their  good-for-nothing  noses  above  water.  All  such  had 
better  take  their  hats  in  their  hands,  and  station  themselves, 
like  other  beggars,  at  the  corners  of  the  streets.  If  an 
editor  fails  to  please  the  public,  are  there  not  other  employ 
ments  for  him  ?  Are  there  no  rails  to  be  mauled  ?  no 
ditches  to  be  dug  ?  no  streets  to  be  cleaned  ?  no  hods  to 
be  carried  ?  no  stone  to  be  cracked  upon  the  highway  ? 
And,  in  default  of  all  these,  is  not  ratsbane  or  the  halter 
preferable  to  begging  ? 

A  MISSISSIPPI  paper  calls  Dr.  H.  "  a  fire-eater."    We 
do  not  think  that  the  doctor  eats  fire,  though  he  swal 
lows  oceans  of  "fire-water." 


YOU  may  often  see  a  couple  cooing  like  turtle-doves 
when  'tis  all  nothing  but  mock-turtle. 


~\T7E  have  nothing  further  in  regard  to  the  Santa  Fe 
expedition.  The  general  belief  is  that  the  entire 
expedition  fell  into  the  hands  of  the  Mexicans  without  firing 
a  gun.  But  why  did  they  not  fight  as  long  as  there  was  a 
drop  of  blood  in  their  veins,  rather  than  be  set  to  work  in 
the  Mexican  mines  a  thousand  feet  below  the  surface  of  the 
earth  ?  Is  it  not  better  to  be  six  feet  under  ground  than  a 
thousand  ? 


PRENTICEANA.  109 

A  LOCOFOCO  paper  in  New  York  professes  to  have 
A  "cornered"  Col.  Stone  of  the  " New  York  Commer 
cial."  We  suppose  the  colonel  has  no  objection  to  being 
considered  a  "  corner-Stone." 


THE  editor  of  the speaks  of  his  "  lying  curled 
up  in  bed  these  cold  mornings."      This  verifies  what 
we  said  of  him  some  time  ago — "  he  lies  like  a  dog." 


THE  editor  of  the  speaks  of  a  story  which 
he  does  not  credit.     We  judge,  from  the  number  of  sto 
len  paragraphs  in  his  paper,  that  he  credits  nothing. 


TT  has  often  been  said  that  all  the  freemen  of  this  country 
-L  are  kings.  Perhaps  there  is  no  better  reason  for  this 
assumption  than  that  every  American  freeman's  head  has  a 
crown  to  it. 


MR.  AKER,  of  the  Indiana  Senate,  is  seeking  to  immor 
talize  himself  by  cutting  off  the  newspapers  of  that 
State  from  the  little  income  they  derive  from  the  publica 
tion  of  sheriff's  sales.     He  is  a  wise-AJcer. 


64  T  SAID,  my  fathers,  where  are  they?  Echo  answered 
A  where  ?"  This  passage  from  Ossian  has  been  much 
admired,  but  the  echo,  though  certainly  not  so  bad  as  the 
Irishman's,  seems  to  have  been  a  very  absurd  one.  What 
hindered  it  from  finishing  the  question  ? 


6*  AH,  pray  let  me  have  my  way  this  time,"  said  a  young 
\J  gentleman  to  his  lady-love.      "  Well,  Willie,   I  sup 
pose  I  must  this  once,  but  you  know  that  after  we  are  mar 
ried  I  shall  always  have  a  Will  of  my  own." 


110 


PRENTICEANA. 


Tj^OUR  fast  young  men,  the  sons  of  gentlemen  of  wealth, 
*  were  brought  before  court  in  New  Orleans  as  common 
rowdies.  The  judges  inquired  what  their  bad  course  of 
life  could  be  ascribed  to.  Most  probably  to  their  four 
fathers. 


•  o  GTEEL   your  heart,"  said  a  considerate  father  to   his 
^  son,  "  for  you  are  going  now  among  some  fascinating 
girls."      "  I  had  much  rather  steal  theirs,"  said  the  unpro 
mising  young  man. 


> 


66  1\/TY  boots  are  getting  very  tight,"  said  a  fellow,  after 
-i-'J-  his  fifth  glass.      "  If  they  were  not,  they  wouldn't 
fit  you  at  all." 


¥E   have  generally  observed  that  a  man  is  not  apt  to 
abuse  his  native  State  unless  he  is  a  fugitive  from  her 
justice. 

— •-*-, 

IT  has  been  too  much  the  habit  of  the  agents  sent  by  our 
government  to  the  Indian  tribes  to  treat  them  before 
treating  with  them. 


A  WRITER  in  the  "  True  Whig  "  justly  represents  Mr. 
Tyler  as  standing  with  "  a  foot  on  one  boat  and  a  foot 
on  the  other."  The  writer  forgets  to  add,  that  the  boats 
are  getting  farther  and  farther  apart.  Although  his  Acci- 
dency's  legs  are  none  of  the  shortest,  his  straddle  is 
becoming  inconveniently  wide.  He  will  soon  be  as  badly 
split  up  as  his  party  is. 


IVY  will  not  cling  to  a  poisonous  tree  or  other  substance. 
What  a  pity  that  the  tendrils  of  a  woman's  heart  have 
not  the  same  wholesome  and  salutary  instinct. 


PRENTICEANA.  Ill 

WE  have  received  a  double  sheet  of  a  paper  called  the 
"Plain  Dealer."      We    suppose    we    may,   without 
offence  consider  it  a  double-Dealer. 


w 


HY  are  people  so  unwilling  to  buy  venison  or  other 
game  "  out  of  season  ?"     Can't  they  season  it  ? 


ONE  of  the  editors  at  Little  Rock,  who  is  a  classical 
scholar,  says  that  he  has  "  a  great  antipathy  to  long 
sentences."  We  suspect  that  he  has  not  as  great  an 
antipathy  to  them  as  his  townsman,  Trowbridge,  who  has 
just  got  a  sentence  to  the  penitentiary  for  twenty-three 
years. 


WE  perceive  that  some  of  Mr.  Coffee's  constituents  have 
required  him  to  present  a  petition  to  the  legislature 
against  the  destruction  of  the  school  system.  They  may 
call  him  to  account  for  his  war  against  knowledge.  They 
will  appoint  a  day  of  settlement.  Their  Coffee,  like  all 
coffee,  will  have  to  settle^  and  get  "a  sweetening^  too, 
perhaps. 


rPHEY  tell  us  that  "  truth  never  dies."  But  if  her  home 
J-  is,  as  we  are  informed,  "  at  the  bottom  of  a  well,"  it 
seems  a  little  strange  that  she  never  "  kicks  the  bucket." 
Yet,  from  her  dark  home  in  the  still  depths,  she  ofttimes 
follows  up  the  feeding  rill  to  its  source  upon  the  mountain- 
top,  and  rises  from  the  fountain  like  Venus  from  the  foam 
of  the  sea — as  beautiful  as  the  fabled  goddess,  and  infinitely 
more  worthy  of  the  admiration  of  earth  and  heaven. 


nnHERE  is  a  good  deal  of  high  living  among  very  low- 
-A-  lived  people. 


112  PBENTICEANA. 

A  BROTHER  editor,  not  at  all  noted  for  personal  come- 
"  liiiess,  complains  that  a  figure  of  himself,  set  up  in  a 
public  edifice,  has  been  "rudely  cut  with  an  axe  or  hatchet." 
The  fellow,  who  cut  it,  cut  a  sorry  figure. 


A  WRITER  in   a  Louisiana  paper   describes  a  garden 
vegetable,  which,  he  says,  has  a  fibre  strong  enough  to 
make  cloth.     Oh,  well,  suits  of  clothes  are  often  made  from 
cabbage,  as  many  a  tailor  could  testify  if  he  would. 


A  MAN"  not  unfrequently  takes  his  own  vain  estimate  of 
himself  for  fame.     The  poor,  sickly  glimmer  that  his 
own  weak  eyes  make  around  his  lamp,  he  mistakes  for  a 
halo  of  glory. 


THE   editorial   corps   of  New  York   city  seems  utterly 
destitute  of  harmony.     Its  quills  all  point  in  different 
directions,  like  those  of  an  angry  porcupine. 


A  LOW-LIVED  editor  threatens  to  give  us  "  a  tanning." 
A  We  hardly  think  he  will.  Hides  are  tanned  with  bark, 
but  not  the  bark  of  a  dog. 


"  T  AM  not  afraid  of  a  barrel  of  cider,  sir."     "  I  presume 
J   not ;  I  guess  the  barrel  of  cider  would  run  at  your 
approach." 


locofoco  organ  in  Columbus  has  an  appropriate  cut 
over  the  returns  of  the  Virginia  elections — a  rooster 
with  his  mouth  wide  open.     The  poor  locofoco  bird  is  evi 
dently  dying  of  the  gapes. 


PEENTICEANA.  113 

H.,  finding  himself  unable  to  pay  his  debts,  has 
taken  to  drink.     We  suppose  he  calls  that  going  into 
liquidation. 


WE  learn  from  the  Tennessee  papers  that  there  was  a 
shower  of  sulphur  in   some   parts  of  that  State  on 
Wednesday  of  last  week.     Our  Tennessee  neighbors  ought 
to  be  duly  thankful  that  they  got  no  fire  with  their  brim 
stone. 


A  PENNY  paper  in  New  York  says  that  a  strong-fisted 
A  servant  girl  in  that  city  was  recently  assaulted  by  a 
couple  of  scoundrels,  named  John  and  Elam  Mile,  and  that 
she  flogged  them  both.  We  have  heard  that  a  miss  was  as 
good  as  a  mile,  but  here  was  a  case  in  which  a  miss  was  as 
good  as  two  Miles,  and  a  little  better. 


WE   perceive  from  the  papers  that  a  lady  was  lately 
kicked  in  a  neighboring  city  by  a  horse.     That  city 
seems  very  strangely  made  up.     Her  horses  have  no  more 
manners  than  her  men. 


A  WHITER  in  one  of  our  medical  journals  insists  that 
finger-rings  should  not  be  worn  too  small.     We  insist 
that  they  should  not  be  too  large.     Wedding-rings  in  par 
ticular  should  not  be  worn  loosely. 


THE  Rochester  "Democrat"  says  John  Jones,  of  the 
"  Madisonian,"   is  a  sort   of  Achilles.     An  important 
difference  between  the  two  heroes  is,  that  the  Greek  had  a 
soft  spot  in  his  heel,  while  the  young  Achilles  has  such  a 
npot  in  his  head. 


PKENTICEANA. 


WE  are  told  that,  at  the  height  of  three  miles  from  the 
earth,  the   temperature  is  always  the  same.     That's 
being  above  the  weather.    A  great  many  people  understand 
in  these  times  what  it  is  to  be  under  it. 


¥E  mentioned  the  other  day  that  a  Mr.  Knowles  had 
thrown  salt  in  the  eyes  of  the  editor  of  the  "Richmond 
Star."     According  to  Mr.  Knowles'  own  statement,  he  first 
salted  him  and  then  licked  him. 


MR.  J.  C.  KNOWER,  of  Iowa,  a  candidate  for  a  humble 
office,  confesses  that  he  has  travelled  "  around  at  least 
one-third  of  the  entire  political  circle."     We  suppose  that 
the  portion  of  the  circle  he  has  travelled  around  may  pro 
perly  be  styled  Knower^s  A.rc. 


A  RATHER  notorious  editor  in  the  Northwest  tells  what 
-£*-  he  will  do,  and  adds  very  emphatically,  that  he  is 
always  as  good  as  his  word.  Unquestionably  he  is;  but 
the  misfortune  with  him  is,  that  his  word  is  good  for 
nothing. 


A  WESTERN  editor,  speaking  dolefully  of  the  hard 
J-l-  times,  expresses  a  fear  that  the  whole  world  will 
suspend.  We  must  distress  him  with  the  painful  informa 
tion  that  the  whole  earth  is  already  suspended — in  space. 


A  PROMINENT  member  of  Congress  warns  the  banks 
that  they  "may  find  a  whirlwind  raised  about  their 
ears."     They  will  be  glad  to  hear  it.     Some  of  them  have 
been  not  a  little  puzzled  to  know  how  the  wind  was  to  be 
raised. 


PEENTICEANA.  115 

WE  find  in  an  English  paper  an  account  of  two  murderers 
who  escaped  from  the  custody  of  the  sheriff,  and  hid 
themselves  in  the  big  gun  at  Dover.    They  should,  when 
found,  have  been  discharged  at  once. 


JOHNNEAL  talks  about  "the  brave  old  earth."     She 
is  not  so  brave  but  that  she  sometimes  quakes  awfully. 


AVERT  plain  gentleman  of  our  acquaintance,  against 
whom  a  suit  at  law  has  been  brought,  declares  that  he 
means  to  appear  personally  in  his  own  favor.     We  must 
assure  him,  in  all  kindness,  that  his  personal  appearance  is 
never  in  his  favor. 


A  KENTUCKY  farmer  advertises  that  he  has  had  two 
counterpanes   and  three  sheets  stolen  from  his  yard. 
Why  didn't  he  keep  the  sheets  in  his  house  ?     Why  keep 
"  three  sheets  in  the  wind  ?" 


A  CONTEMPORARY  of  ours,  who  fancies  himself  beset 
by  enemies,  says  that  he  is  "  determined  to  sell  his  life 
as  dearly  as  possible."    If  he  gets  sixpence  for  it,  he  will 
die  a  swindler. 


/COMPLIMENTS,  carried  to  an  extravagant  extent,  be- 
\J  come  rude  offences.  There  is  a  material  difference 
between  prettily  asking  for  a  lock  of  hair,  and  taking  the 
whole  scalp. 


you  not'  love  to  gaze  on  Niagara  forever  ?" 
said  a  romantic  girl  to  her  less  romantic  companion. 
"  Oh,  no,  I  shouldn't  like  to  have  a  cataract  always  in  my 
eye." 


116  PKENTICEANA, 

IT  is  stated  in  the  papers  that  a  couple  of  Mormon  apos 
tles  set  out  upon  a  tour  with  a  Jew  upon  the  plains  some 
weeks  ago,  and  that  the  Jew  was  afterward  found  mur 
dered,  with  a  bloody  axe  at  his  side.     We  understand  that 
the  weapon  was  recognized  as  the  axe  of  the  Apostles. 


IN  fishing  we  have  occasionally  seen  a  big  pike  watching 
a  bait,  and  evidently  weighing  the  chances  between  get 
ting  a  good  dinner  and  being  a  good  dinner.     He  should 
have  been  able  to  weigh  very  accurately — he  had  so  many 

scales. 


THE  times  at  present  are  very  hard,  but  the  country  is 
*  generally  healthy.  The  only  complaint  extensively 
prevalent  is  a  stricture  of  the  chest. 


THE  British  soldiers  found  in  Delhi  an  idol  with  large 
diamond  eyes.     That  idol  was  unlike  the  ghost  of  Ham 
let's  father;  it  had  speculation  in  its  eyes. 


¥ 


E  would  as  soon  see  a  lady  making  herself  a  wasp  in 
temper  as  in  the  shape  of  her  person. 


THE  "Southern  Mercury"  records  that  Mr.  H.  S.  Waters 
"  received  a  fatal  blow  from  his  father  for  crossing  him 
in  his  matrimonial  purposes."    Unquestionably  it  is  danger 
ous  to  cross  the  "  Father  of  Waters." 


A  WRITER  in  the  "Portland  Argus"  says  Mr.  Polk  is 
"one  of  the  very  first  men  of  the  age.    Clay  can't  hold 
a  candle  to  him  /"    This  very  extraordinary  personage  was 
literally  invisible  to    nearly  the  whole    country  until    the 
Baltimore  convention  "  held  a  candle  to  him." 


PEENTICEANA.  117 

A  MEDICAL  correspondent  sends  us  a  communication 
upon  the  sensation  of  a  man  who  is  hanged.  We  can 
see  no  good  reason  for  publishing  it.  If  our  readers  are 
honest,  they  have  no  occasion  to  know  how  a  man  feels 
when  he  is  hung,  and,  if  they  are  not,  they  are  likely  to 
find  out  without  being  told. 


A  BRAVE  man  bears  his  certificate  of  courage  in  his  eye 
-^J-  and  in  his  whole  deportment,  but  the  poltroon  carries 
it  in  his  pocket. 

THE   "Boston   Courier"    says    that    General   Cass  has 
"  bought  a  ticket  in  the  Presidential  lottery."     He  will 
find  after  the  lottery  is  drawn,  that,  like  a  poor  fellow  who 
has  had  a  tooth  drawn,  he  is  paying  for  a  blank. 


HHHE  "  Madisonian  "  announces  that  John  Tyler  will  play 
•*-  no  subordinate  part,  but  "will  be  either  Caesar  or 
nothing."  He  has  always  been  Ca3sar  or  nothing.  But  he 
has  never  been  Csesar. 


ALOCOFOCO    paper  in  Alabama,  says  that  even  the 
negroes  in  that  quarter  are  in  favor  of  the  annexation 
of  Texas.     If  the  negroes  come  out  upon  the  subject,  we 
presume  they  will  do  '^flat-footed. 


THE  mortification  of  the  locofocos,  on  finding  that  James 
K.   Polk  was   their  candidate  instead  of  Martin   Van 
Buren,  was  as  great  as  a  boy  would  feel,  who  should  get 
up  in  the  morning  and  find  a  poke  in  his  martin-box. 


THE  "  Richmond  Enquirer  "  says,  that  in  the  present  con 
test,  the  locofocos  "  fight  not  to  destroy  bufr  to  save." 
We  candidly  confess  that  we  fight  to  kill. 


118  PRENTIOEANA. 


"  New  York  American  "  thinks  that  the  locofocos 
J-  can  have  "  no  excuse  for  glossing  over  their  principles 
with  falsehoods."  Possibly  they  may  have  some  little  ex 
cuse.  We  have  heard  of  a  Catholic  lady,  who  at  confession, 
accused  herself  of  using  rouge.  "  I  know  it  is  sinful,"  said 
she,  "  but  I  do  it  to  make  myself  handsomer."  "  Well," 
replied  the  confessor,  after  giving  his  penitent's  face  a  pretty 
thorough  examination,  "  you  may  use  just  as  much  as  you 
please,  for  your  face  is  ugly  enough  in  spite  of  it." 


THE  editor  of  the says  that  the  Whigs  always  have 
an  assortment  of  titles  on  hand.     If  that  editor  had  the 
word  "  forger  "  branded  in  his  palm,  he  would  always  have 
his  appropriate  title  on  hand. 


IIES,  like  chickens,  come  home  to  roost. —  Globe. 
J 

Your  phraseology  is  correct.  It  is  proper  for  Whig  edi 
tors  to  say  that  lies  go  home  to  roost.  It  is  proper  for 
locofoco  editors  to  say  that  they  come  home  to  roost. 


OUR  neighbor  of  the  "  Democrat "  talks  about  an  "  in 
undation  of  the  Democracy."     The  Democracy,  in  the 
progress  of  its  inundation,  has  certainly  caused  a  caving  in 
of  its  own  Baiiks. 

TIDE  Whigs  seem  determined  to  steal  everything  from  us  but  our 
principles. — Louisville  Democrat. 

You  mean,  in  other  words,  that  they  mean  to  steal  from 
you  everything  that  is  worth  stealing. 


AN"  Eastern  paper  says  "  there  is  a  bank  in  the  West  with 
a  capital  stock  of  coon  skins."     There  is  a  bank  at  the 
East  with  a,  capital  stock  of  codfish.    It  is  the  bank  of  New 
foundland. 


PKENTICEANA.  119 

/CAPTAIN  MARRYAT  expressed  the  opinion,  in  his  book 
^  of  American  Travels,  that  a  British  army  of  thirty  thou 
sand  men  could  walk  from  one  end  of  the  Union  to  the 
other.  We  guess  they  would  frequently  "break,"  like 
some  trotting  horses,  into  a  run. 


1 


T  is  considered  very  creditable  to  men  to  have  hearts  of 
oak,  but  not  half  so  creditable  to  have  wooden  heads. 


BY  the  use  of  eye-glasses,  you  may  see  as  much  as  is  to  be 
seen  ;  but  by  the  use  of  another  kind  of  glass  you  may 
see  twice  as  much. 


INE  of  our  writers  says  that  the  American  ladies,  if  their 
services  were  needed,  "  would  make  brave  soldiers."  If 
they  have  to  take  the  field,  let  them  by  all  means  wear 
their  fashionable  dresses.  The  dress  worn  by  day  would 
serve  the  wearer  as  a  tent  at  night. 


TITHY  can't  the  captain  of  a  vessel  keep  a  memorandum 
"*     of  the  weight  of  his  anchor,  instead  of  weighing  it 
every  time  he  leaves  port  ? 


rnHE  Whigs  have  derived  no  advantage  from  the  bankrupt  act. — 
1  N.  Y.  Glole. 

We  are  aware  that  it  was  such  fellows  as  you  who  gene 
rally  took  the  benefit  of  it. 


i  CORRESPONDENT  inquires  whether  we  do  not  feel 
-t*  for  the  poor  locofocos  when  we  are  skinning  them. 
Oh,  certainly.  Skinning  these  chaps  is  like  skinning  onions 
— it  makes  us  shed  tears  to  do  it,  but  the  operation  must  be 
performed. 


120  PKENTICEANA. 

THE  taste  of  the  readers  of  locofoco  papers  is  very  extra 
ordinary.     Like  the  spectators  at  a  juggler's  exhibition, 
they  think  that  they  never  get  their  money's  worth  except 
when  they  are  grossly  cheated. 


"  Democrat "  says  that  Mr.  P.,  in  his  speech  on 
-   Saturday  evening,  "  drew  a  contrast  between  the  charac 
ter  of  the  man  and  the  beast."     We  suspect  that,  while 
talking  about  the  contrast,  he  exhibited  the  resemblance. 


THE  "  Washington  Globe "  predicts  that  the  locofocos 
will  get  New  Jersey.     There's  no  fear  of  that.    The 
locos  may  get  the  blues,  but  not  the  "  Jersey  Blues." 


A  RESPECTABLE  gentleman,  whom  we  used  to  know 
in  the  East  as  a  remarkably  modest  and  even  timid 
youth,  lias  set  up  pretensions  in  the  South  as  a  regular  duel 
list.     We  never  suspected  that  he  had  the  slightest  taste 
for  saltpetre — unless  in  the  beef-barrel. 


ft  ll/TY  speech  is  undergoing  publication,"  said  a  member 
1V_L  of  our  legislature  the  other  day.    We  wonder  if 
anybody  is  likely  to  undergo  its  perusal. 


THE  Governor  of  Arkansas  has  a  good  deal  to  say,  in  his 
late  message,  about  the  "  honor  of  Arkansas."     If  it  will 
be  any  gratification  to  him  and  his  locofoco  friends  in  that 
State,  we  will  admit  that  Arkansas  is  the  Republic's  very 
"  seat  of  honor." 


THE  editor  of  the  "  -        -  Enquirer  "  says  that  "  truth 
is  stranger  than  fiction."     Truth  in  his  columns  is  cer 
tainly  a  thousand  times  stranger  than  fiction. 


PEENTICEANA.  121 

FT! HE  editor  of  the  ,  like  a  cur,  vents  his  spleen  by  snarl- 

_1_  ing  and  snapping  at  those  who  pass  him.  Should  his  ambi 
tious  attempt  to  bite  our  heel  prove  successful,  some  modern  Gold 
smith  may  aptly  sing : 

"  The  man  recovered  of  the  bite, 
The  dog  it  was  that  died." 

— Little  Rock  Banner. 

We  suspect  you  do  yourself  injustice,  friend.     Do  you 
really  think   that  biting  your  heel  would  be  enough  to 

poison  a  dog  f 

— •-•-« 

IT  is  said  that  the  Hon.  C.  J.  Ingersoll  stakes  his  whole 
political  and  personal  reputation  upon  the  issue  of  his 
controversy  with  Mr.  Adams.     Like  the  menagerie  man, 
who  puts  his  head  in  the  lion's  mouth,  he  is  investing  his 
capital  in  a  hazardous  speculation. 


OUR  friend  of  the  u  Lexington  Inquirer,"  like  several 
other  editors  not  our  friends,  takes  us  to  task  /or 
praising  the  music  of  Ole  Bull.  It  is  strange  how  Ole's 
performances  afflict  these  editors.  They  groan  as  if  the 
great  violinist  were  scraping  their  in'ards  instead  of  those 
of  a  cat. 


MISS  FROST,  of  Massachusetts,  sued  a  Mr.  Fry  for  a  breach  of 
promise  of   marriage,   and    recovered  $365   damages.     He 
courted  her  a  year  and  had  to  pay  a  dollar  a  day  ! — Baltimore  Sun. 

We  should  say  that  Miss  Frost  was  pretty  thoroughly 
fried,  and  Mr.  Fry  pretty  thoroughly  frosted. 


A  WASHINGTON  correspondent  says  that  A.  B.,  in  his 
last  speech  in  Congress,  "  poured  out  the  vials  of  his 
wrath   on   the  Whigs."      A.  B.'s   wrath  is   not  kept  in 
"vials."     He  keeps  it  in  quart  bottles,   demijohns   and 
puncheons. 

6 


122  PEENTICEANA. 

A  LETTER  from  Washington  represents  Governor  Marcy, 
the  late  Secretary  of  War,  as  "in  the  habit  of  walking 
down  Pennsylvania  Avenue  with  a  long  stride."  This 
ought  on  no  account  to  be  allowed.  If  his  breeches,  as  in 
former  days,  are  to  be  repaired  at  the  public  expense,  he 
should  by  all  means  be  prohibited  from  stretching  them 
unnecessarily. 

AN"  exchange  paper  thinks  that  the  very  poorest  business 
that  can  be  conceived  of  is  office-seeking.    We  do  tfot 
think  it  much  poorer  than  office-holding. 


TT7"E  are  not  surprised  that  Arkansas  bachelors  find  no 
"    favor  with  the  ladies.    They  are  too  wise  to  trust 
men  in  new  bonds  who  repudiate  their  old  ones. 


THE  "New  Tork  Plebeian"  says  there  is  no  need  of 
Whigs  in  office,  as  there  are  "  Democrats  enough  in 
the  country  to  fill  all  vacancies."     The  worst  of  it  is  that 
the  "  vacancies  "  which  they  take  most  pains  to  fill  after 
getting  in  office  are  those  in  their  own  pockets. 


OUR  Cincinnati  astronomers,  by  the  use  of  their  big  glass, 
have  settled  conclusively  that  what  have  been  supposed 
to  be  lunar  volcanoes  are  nothing  but  big  fires  in  the  moon 
for  trying  out  hog's  fat,  and,  that  what  have  been  taken 
for  seas  and  lakes  are  neither  more  nor  less  than  capacious 
reservoirs  of  lard  oil. 


¥E, 


do  think  our  neighbor  can  0w£-believe  any  man  in  Christen 
dom. — Democrat. 

Pshaw  !  neighbor.  Like  a  vast  majority  of  the  commu 
nity,  we  are  incapable  not  only  of  owtf-believing  you  but 
even  of  believing  you. 


PEENTICEANA.  123 

THE  editor  of  the  "  New  Orleans  Republican  "  says  that 
he  "  rarely  takes  the  air."     The  fellow  seems  very  spar 
ing  in  the  use  of  the  elements — taking  the  air  seldom  and 
water  never. 


ANEW  ORLEANS  paper  speaks  of  a  mulatto  woman, 
who  was  lately  delivered  of  three  children  at  a  birth, 
one  of  them  as  red  as  red  chalk,  the  second  as  yellow  as 
beeswax,  and  the  third  as  black  as  tar.    She  must  be  a  loco- 
foco,  and  have  been  dreaming  of  her  multi-colored  party. 


A  LOCOFOCO  editor  at  Brooklyn  has  quit  the  business 
-£*-  and  turned  dentist.  The  poor  starveling  is  unable  to 
find  employment  for  his  own  teeth  except  by  pulling  out 
those  of  the  public. 

A  CORRESPONDENT  asks  whether  our  neighbor  of 
the is  "  at  the  head  of  the  Locofoco  Church  in 

Kentucky."     He  ought  to  be   at  the  top  of  the  church 
steeple.    That's  the  place  for  weathercocks. 


TTTE  don't  think  Whiggery  is  worth  anything  except  to  be  laughed 
V  V    at. — Democrat. 

It  has  lost  much  of  its  value  in  that  respect  since  you 
left  it. 

A  DUEL  was  fought  in  Mississippi  last  week  by  Mr.  T. 
Knott  and  Mr.  A.  W.  Shott.     The  result  was,  that 
Knott  was  shot,  and  Shott  was  not. 


A  CONTEMPORARY  thinks  that  "the  banks  of  the 
•£*•  country  are  in  a  very  promising  condition."  We 
seriously  apprehend  that  some  of  them  will  never  be  in  any 
other. 


124:  PKENTICEANA. 

A  BRITISH  paper  says  that  the  American  government  is 
devouring  our  people's  substance  piecemeal.  The 
British  government  will  never  devour  the  substance  of  its 
subjects  in  that  way.  "  Won't  that  boa-constrictor  bite 
me  ?"  said  a  small  boy  to  a  showman.  "  Oh  no,  boy,  he 
never  bites — he  swallows  his  wittles  whole." 


A    PHILADELPHIA  paper  boasts  of  seeing  a  green  pear 
-£*-  in  the  Philadelphia  market.     We  suspect  that  the  two 

editois  of  the  "Louisville "  are  quite  as  green  a  pair 

as  Philadelphia  can  show.     We  do  not  know,  however,  as 
we  have  a  right  to  speak  of  our  green  pair  as  in  market. 


THE  "  Ohio  -       —  "  puffs  a  newly  invented  lock.     When 
such  fellows  as  M.  and  B.  puff  a  particular  lock,  the  pub 
lic  may  be  sure  that  they  have  discovered  the  secret  of 
picking  it.  * 

THE  Dorrites  of  Rhode  Island  are  still  assailing  the  penitentiary 
system  in  that  State. — Albany  Journal. 

Ah !  yes ;  the  way  they  walk  into  the  penitentiary  is  a 
caution. 

A  LETTER  from  Milan,  of  the  21st  ult.,  states  that  the  Pope,  a 
JLJL  few  days  previously,  had  calle$  together  a  congregation  or 
meeting  for  secular  purposes  in  Rome,  at  which  it  was  determined 
not  to  allow  railways  within  the  Papal  States. — Pittsburg  Age. 

Of  course  the  locomotives  need  not  think  of  running  in 
those  States.  They  have  run  over  a  good  many  cows  in 
this  country,  but  they  can  hardly  run  over  the  Pope's  bull. 


AN"  American  writer  says  of  the  present  generation,  that 
"  the  young  men  seem  to  be  going  one  way,  and  the 
young  women  the  opposite  way."     That's  right — they  will 
meet  all  the  sooner. 


PEENTICEANA.  125 

A  COUPLE  of  agricultural  editors  are  discussing  the  rela 
tive  value  of  different  grains.     Unquestionably  grains 
of  sense  are  the  most  valuable. 


ANEW  ORLEANS  poet  calls  the  Mississippi  the  most 
eloquent  of  rivers.     It  ought  to  be  eloquent ;  it  has  a 
dozen  mouths. 

THE  stream  of  taxation  is  perpetual,  and  it  is  a  stream 
against  which  the  community  can't  be  protected  by  a 

levee. 

A  FLORIDA  paper  speaks  of  the  stranding  of  a  whale  or 
A  some  other  big  fish  upon  the  beach,  and  says  that  the 
citizens  had  to  use  a  ladder  some  twenty  feet  in  length  to 
get  on  his  back.  We  should  think  such  a  fish  difficult  to 
scale. 


ti  TTTHAT  would  you  do,  madam,  if  you  were  a  gentle- 
*¥    man?"     "Sir,   what  would  you  do  if  you  were 

one  ?" 


TT  seems  to  us  that  locofocoism  in  some  of  the  States  has 
J-  about  the  same  idea  of  regulating  banks  that  the  Irish 
man  had  of  trimming  apple-trees.  Pat  went  out  in  the 
morning  to  trim  a  large  number  of  trees,  and,  returning  at 
noon,  was  asked  if  he  had  finished  his  work.  "  No,"  said  he, 
"  but  I  have  cut  them  all  down,  and  am  going  to  trim  them 
this  afternoon." 


ALL  the  locofoco  papers   in  Alabama  threaten  the  people 
of  the  State  with  terrible  things  if  Terry,  the  regular 
locofoco  nominee  for  the  office  of    governor,   should   be 
beaten.    The  result  shows  that  the  people  were  not  to  be 


126  PEENTICEANA. 

A    WHIG  editor  in  Ohio  predicts  that  B will  one  day 

-£*•  find  himself  on  the  wrong  side  of  the  penitentiary  walls. 
The  scamp  is  on  the  wrong  side  now,  but  the  probability  is 
that  the  error  of  his  position  will  soon  be  rectified. 


A  MR.  HORN"  writes  to  the  "  Richmond  Enquirer  »  that 
•£*-  the  Whigs  will,  no  doubt,  let  the  next  Presidential 
election  go  by  default.  Mr.  Horn's  Christian  name  must 
be  Green. 


JOHN  BULL  has  become  a  great  advocate  of  temperance. — New 
York  Evening  Post. 

And  yet  Mr.  Bull,  under  certain  circumstances,  may  in 
sist  on  Jonathan's  taking  a  horn. 


THE  ladies  of  Indiana  continue  to  mob  the  liquor  estab 
lishments,  breaking  all  the  bottles,  decanters,  and  demi 
johns  they  can  find.     It  is  questionable,  perhaps,  whether 
this  is  the  right  way  to  make  brandy  smashes. 


A  N"  editor  of  a  small  paper  in  New  York,  in  computing 
-£*  the  strength  of  his  party,  appears  to  include  in  it  the 
whole  Whig  party.  It  is  as  great  a  mistake  as  was  made 
by  the  clerk  of  an  old  Scotch  merchant  in  computing  the 
profits  of  his  house  during  the  preceding  year.  The  old 
Scotchman,  not  a  little  surprised  at  the  amount,  cast  his 
eye  over  the  figures,  and  exclaimed,  "  Why,  ye  dom  scoun 
drel,  ye've  added  up  the  year  of  our  Laird  among  the 

poonds." 

— »-*-« — 

SEVERAL  of  the  Eastern  newspapers  notice  the  fact  that 
the  bees   refuse  to  swarm  this  fall.     We  suppose  the 
respectable  little  insects  are  disgusted  at  the  swarming  of 
the  oifice-seekers. 


PEENTIOEANA.  127 

OUR  neighbor  of  the  "  Democrat "  thinks  that  some  of 
his  contemporaries,  whenever  they  mean  a  paragraph  as 
a  jest,  should  write  under  it — "  This  is  a  joke."  We  know 
of  no  one  who  has  more  occasion  for  such  an  expedient  thaa. 
himself.  What  a  pity  he  has  not  a  tail,  that  he  might  wag 
it  whenever  he  wished  to  be  thought  waggish. 


'THE  man  who  lives  only  for  this  world  is  a  fool  here, 
J-  and  there  is  danger  that  he  will  be  (we  say  it  not  pro 
fanely)  a  d d  fool  hereafter. 


A  CORRESPONDENT  of  the   "Washington  Union" 
compares  that  paper  to  a  formidable  war-chariot.     It  is 
nothing  but  a  hack — "  a  party-hack  "  at  that. 


THE  "  Mississippi  Reformer  "  says  that  Governor 
is  "  the  butt  of  his  own  party."     If  that's  the  case,  we 
wish  somebody  would  do  the  party  the  justice  to  kick  him. 


THE  editor  of  the asks  if  he  shall  write  our  life. 
Exactly   as  he  pleases.      Perhaps  he   would  be  quite 
as  well  employed  in  writing  such  a  life  as  ours,  as  in  living 
such  a  one  as  his  own. 


A  SET  of  scamps  in  New  York  train  their  dogs  to  pull 
watches  from   gentlemen's  pockets,  and  run  off  with 
them.     Such  a  dog  is  the  most  pestilent  kind  of  watch-dog 
we  ever  heard  of. 


A  FELLOW  who  signs  himself  "  E.  J.  Law,"  writes  to  us 
to  say  that  he  means  to  give  us  a  thrashing.     Let  him 
be  in  a  hurry.    We  have  a  mortal  antipathy  to  "  the  Law's 
delay." 


128  PKENTICEANA. 

THE  Locofoco  editor  of  the  "  Galena  Jeffersonian  "  calls 
Mr.   Clay  "Uncle  Harry."     All  a  mistake,  sir.     Your 
dear  uncle  is  another  Old  Harry  altogether. 


4  LOCOFOCO  paper  in  Illinois,  calls  the  governor  of  that 
•^*  State  "  a  temperate  man."  We  believe  his  locofoco 
excellency  did  belong  to  the  temperance  society  a  few  days, 
a  year  or  two  ago.  He  made  a  brief  attempt  at  sobriety — 
merely  made  a  stagger  at  it. 


TI7"E  see  that  a  paper  advises  the  editor  of  the  "  Sentinel " 
'  *     to  "  run  for  sheriff."     We  think  it  would  be  no  more 
than  fair.     The  sheriff  has  frequently  run  for  him. 


AT  Dubuque,  a  beautiful  young  lady  fell  from  a  skiff  in 
crossing  the  Mississippi,  and  instantly  floated  under  the 
ice.  A  brave  young  gentleman  broke  through  the  ice, 
rescued  her,  and  married  her  three  days  afterward.  We 
have  known  many  young  gentlemen  who  failed  to  get  wives 
because  they  were  afraid  to  break  the  ice. 


MR.  Z.  ROUND,  an  old  and  valued  friend  of  ours,  was 
recently  elected  magistrate  in  Wisconsin.     That,  we 
suppose,  is  what  our  Wisconsin  friends  consider  squiring  a 
circle. 

IT  is  a  serious  question  whether  every  fisherman,  however 
honest  he  may  think  himself,  ought  not  to  be  indicted 
for  hooking  fish. 

A  LADY  bathing  in  the  sea,  may  not  be  in  a  distressing 
predicament,  though   she  is  unquestionably  in  a  great 
pickle. 


PKENTICEAKA.  129 

ROCKY  MOUNTAIN  correspondent  of  the  "  New 
--  York  Post,"  who  writes  himself  "Henry  E.  Land,"  de 
scribes  Oregon  as  the  most  delightful  country  in  the  world. 
Our  citizens,  if  they  choose,  can  go  out  there,  and  see  "how 
the  Land  lies." 


VOTING  ladies !  if  gentlemen  propose  to  ring  your  fore- 
J-  fingers,  be  careful  they  are  not  fellows  who  will  wring 
your  hearts. 


PHILOSOPHERS  teach  that  "  there  is  nothing  without 
-*-  a  cause."  We  are  afraid  that  certain  lawyers  of  our 
acquaintance  are  an  exception. 


IN"  one  of  our  large  cities,  a  ruffian,  without  the  slightest 
provocation,  fired  a  pistol,  with  apparently  deadly  intent, 
at  a  fashionably  dressed  lady.  His  bullet  passed  through 
the  huge  crinoline,  but  didn't  touch  the  lady  within.  He 
might  as  well  shoot  at  random  into  the  top  of  a  big  tree,  in 
the  expectation  of  hitting  a  small  squirrel,  hidden  away 
somewhere  among  the  branches. 


ONE  of  the  daily  papers  gives  an  account  of  the  vicious 
pranks  of  an  infuriated  bull  in  one  of  the  streets  of  New 
York  city.     We  should  think  that  since  the  late  financial 
troubles  in  New  York,  enraged  "  bulls"  must  be  too  com 
mon  a  sight  there  to  attract  much  attention. 


\  NOTORIOUS  individual  in  the  West  recently  tied  a 
-£*•  rope  around  his  neck  with  the  avowed  intent  of  hanging 
himself.  He  is  now  said  to  be  a  candidate  for  office.  We 
beg  him  to  elect  himself  by  all  means  to  the  office  of  re 
corder. 

6* 


130  PRENTICEANA. 


do  ray  customers  like  the  milk  I  sell  them." 

"  Oh,  they  say  it's  of  the  '  first  water.'  " 


H  T  KNOW  I  am  a  perfect  bear  in  my  manners,"  said  a 
J-  fine  young  farmer  to  his  sweetheart.     "  No,  indeed, 
you  are  not,  John ;  you  have  never  hugged  me  yet.     You 
are  more  sheep  than  bear." 


fTlHOSE  governments  which  do  not  curb  evils  are  charge- 
J-  able  with  causing  them.  A  prosperous  villain  is  a  dis 
grace  to  our  laws. 

WHERE   are   a  hundred   political   questions,  which,  we 
presume,  will  be  settled  just  about  as  soon  as  the  long 
standing   dispute  between   the   katy-dids    and    the   katy- 
didn'ts. 

IN  Indiana,  recently  the  functionaries  of  the  land  office 
beat  off  a  dozen  ruffianly  assailants.    That  was  doing  "  a 
land-office  business." 

TO  make  a  pretty  girl's  cheeks  red,  pay  her  a  sweet  com 
pliment.     To  redden  those  of  an  impudent  man,  slap 
them. 


T  is  said  that  a  bachelor  grows  old  faster  than  a  married 
man,   but   that  the  latter's  hair  very  often  comes  out 
soonest.     What  is  the  philosophy  of  this? 


J 


PEOPLE  of  genius,  though  they  usually  suffer  more  keenly 
than  others,  should  never  regret  their  heavenly  gifts. 
Should  the  butterfly  wish  to  lose  his   shining  wings   and 
become  a  poor  grub  to  escape  the  rushing  storms  of  the 
atmosphere  ? 


PRENTICEANA.  131 

A  GOOD  many  Democrats  are  threatening  to  read  each 
other  out  of  the  Democratic  party.    Quite  a  number  of 
them  will  have  to  go  to  school  before  they  can  do  that. 


T  IGHTNING  rods  take  the  mischief  out  of  the  clouds— 
*J  enlightening  rods  take  it  out  of  bad  boys. 


ORSON  HYDE,  one  of  the  Mormon  apostles,  boasts  that, 
if  he  lives  ten  years  and  thrives  as  he  has  been  thriving, 
he  will  "  have  sons  enough  to  make  a  regiment  by  them 
selves."  We  have  all  heard  of  the  "  daughter  of  the  regi 
ment,"  but  the  father  of  a  regiment  will  be  something  quite 
new  in  our  land. 

LONGFELLOW,  in  one  of  his  beautiful  effusions,  likens 
the  formation  of  a  poem  from  a  thousand  thoughts  and 
images  to  the  floating  together  of  sea-weed  from  all  the  seas 
and  gulfs  and  bays  of  the  earth.  We  are  afraid  that,  in  this 
comparison,  he  has  hit  the  matter  of  most  poetry  quite  as 
correctly  as  the  mode  of  its  production. 


IT  is  the  received  opinion  that  men  find  straightforward 
ness  the  best  for  success.     And  yet  men,  like  fish,  often 
times  get  bravely  ahead  by  a  very  crooked  process  of 
self-propulsion.  

A  WOMAN"  complains  in  one  of  the  eastern  papers  that 
without  any  fault  she  has  lost  her  good  name.      In 
our  section,  ladies  very  often  lose  their  names,  but,  in  doing 
uo,  they  generally  manage  to  find  new  ones. 


MRS/CHARITY  PERKINS,  of  New  Orleans,  came  near 
dying  of  poison  a  few  days  ago.     A  sister  of  Charity 
was  suspected  of  having  administered  the  dose. 


132  PKENTICEANA. 

ONE  of  our  writers  asks  what  sort  of  animals  are  the  lazi 
est.     We  think  it  likely  that  oysters  are,  for  they  never 
get  out  of  their  beds  till  they  are  pulled  out. 


AN  editor,  with  whom  we  exchange,  puffs  the  casks  of  an 
advertising  patron  as  being  the  strongest  that  he  ever 
saw.     We  doubt  whether  they  are  strong  enough  to  hold 
liquor  when  he  is  about. 


A  FEW  nights  ago  a  fellow  broke  into  the  house  of  the 
editor  of  a  penny  paper  in  Boston,  but  got  nothing  for 
his  pains.     That  was  a  case  of  "  flat  burglary  "  and  a  flat 
burglar. 

THE  administration  is  suffering  miserably  in  character  by 
the  feebleness  and  absurdity  of  its  official  organ.     We 
think  it  high  time  for  the  administration,  nullifier-like,  to 
begin  to  "  calculate  the  value  of  the  Union."  * 


A  SCURRILOUS  locofoco  paper  in  Illinois  boasts  that  he 
was  once  a  shoemaker.     He  says  he  has  made  many 
a  boot.     We  doubt  not  that  he  has  footed  a  good  many 
boots  and  been  footed  by  a  good  many  more. 


AK.  says  that  he  expects  to  be  able  in  a  short  time  to 
•  pay  everything  that  he  owes  in  the  world.     Ah,  but 
there's  a  heavy  debt  that  he  has  got  to  settle  in  the  other 
world.     There'll  be  the  devil  to  pay. 


THE  locofocos  are  not  much  in  the  habit  of  dodging  offices 
but  it  is  said  that  nearly  all  the  offices  in  Iowa  have  been 
Dodged. 

*  A  former  official  organ  of  the  Democracy  at  Washjngtpij. 


PKENTICEANA.  133 

A  LOUISVILLE  correspondent  of  the  "Frankfort  Yeo 
man  "  says  that  the  statements  of  our  postmaster  will 
go  as  far  as  any  man's.     Certainly  they  will ;  they'll  stop  at 
nothing. 

CAPT.  R.  says  that  he  "  scorns  to  listen  to  a  Whig  ora 
tor."     We  believe  he  listened  to  the  pillory  once.     At 
any  rate,  it  had  his  ear. 


OUE  neighbor's  objection  to  the  Sub-treasury  is,  that  its  vaults 
are  to  be  locked. — Louisville  Democrat. 

And  that  the  keys  are  to  be  kept  by  a  set  of  rascals  with 
legs  astonishingly  elongated  and  pockets  as  big  as  saddle 
bags.  

E  editor  of  the  "  Enquirer  "  complains  of  the  "  Com- 
mercial ']  because  it  neglects  to  credit  him  for  an  article 

that  he  stole.     Credit  for  stealing  is  about  the  only  credit 

he  will  ever  get.  

ALOCOFOCO  editor  in  Illinois  was  kicked  the  other 
day  by  Mr.  Henry  Webb.      The  fellow  escaped  by 
jumping  into  the  Mississippi.     We  suppose  that,  finding 
himself  web-footed,  be  thought  the  river  his  natural  ele 
ment. 

TT7~E  cannot  think  of  reading  the  whole  of  the  locofoco 
' '  part  of  the  Oregon  debate  in  Congress,  but  we  have 
read  the  speeches  of  long  John  Wentworth  and  little  Mr. 
Douglas,  so  that  we  presume  we  have  got  "  the  long  and 
the  short  of  it."  

A  WASHINGTON  letter-writer  says  that  Mr.  McConnell 
was  once  a  schoolmaster.     If  he  taught  his  pupils  to 
imitate  his  own  drunken  habits,  it  must  have  been  a  high 
school. 


134  PRENTIOEANA. 

SOME   members   of  Congress  would  best  promote  the 
their  country's  peace  by  holding  their  own. 


A  LADY,  who  writes  in  the   "Winchester  Virginian," 
under  the  signature  of  "  An  Old  Maid,"  says  that  she 
"  cannot   bear  the   men."     We   wonder  if  she   can  bear 

children. 

*-•-• 

INHERE  is  a  law  hi  Newark  against  "  the  opening  of  rum- 
holes."      If  such   a  law  were    enforced  in  Congress, 
several  members  would  have  to  keep  their  mouths  shut. 


A  CASE  is  pending  in  Mississippi  in  which  an  attempt  is 
to  be  made  to  enforce  the  law  of  that  State  which  re 
quires  that  a  man  shall  pay  the  debts  of  the  individual  whom 
he  kills  in  a  duel.  As  duellists  are  a  set  of  chaps  who  rarely 
or  never  pay  their  own  debts,  they  ought  certainly  to  be 
compelled  to  pay  each  others.' 


OUR  friends  have  sent  us  so  many  fine  fruits  that  we  can 
hardly  make  particular  mention  of  them  all.     We  hope, 
however,  to  succeed  in  making  out  a  "  digest "  of  them. 


rFHE  disciples  of  one  of  our  modern  schools  of  authorship 
-*-  are,  in  one  respect,  like  the  ancient  sibyl.  They  utter 
mysteries  unintelligible  to  themselves,  leaving  the  world  to 
find  out  the  meaning  if  it  can. 


1TR. has  published  his  valedictory  address  in  the 

III  »  New  York  Globe."  He  has  been  kicked  very  uncere 
moniously  from  the  concern.  We  always  thought  that  the 
rascal  deserved  to  be  kicked  from  the  globe. 


PEENTICEANA.  135 

WE  know  a  great  many  persons  that  are  "kind  to  a 
fault,"  but  a  "fault"  is   about  the   only  thing  that 
some  of  them  are  "  kind  to." 


THE  "  London  News  "  says  that  the  United  States  has 
been  stationary  during  the  last  twenty-five  years.     We 
think  every  man  acquainted  with  our  history  must  admit 
that  we  have  gained  ground  in  that  time. 


THE  editors  of  the  "  Journal  "  talk  about  empty  noddles.    That's 
a  subject  they  understand. — Louisville . 

Then,  the  difference  between  us  and  you  is,  that  we  un 
derstand  an  empty  noddle,  and  you  stand  under  one. 


AW.  FIELD,  editor  of  the  "  Law  Gazette,"  suggests 
•  that  the  Whigs  run  the  devil  for  the  next  presidency. 
We  rather  guess  that  the  devil  will  "  take  the  Field  "  with 
out  any  agency  on  the  part  of  the  Whigs. 


IT  snowed  yesterday  afternoon,  after  a  dark  and   gloomy  fore 
noon.      The  "  Louisville  Journal "  was  just  sixteen  years  old 
the  day  before. — Democrat. 

We  apprehend  that  the  birth-day  of  your  "  Democrat  " 
will  be  a  day  of  neither  snow,  nor  rain,  nor  hail,  nor  sun 
shine,  but  a  dull,  foggy,  soggy,  hazy,  lazy,  drizzly,  mizzly, 
fizzly,  good-for-nothing  day — the  wind  chopping,  every 
hour,  around  all  the  thirty-two  points  of  the  compass. 


TTTE  wonder  if  the  Illinois  ladies,  who  presented  Gov.  F. 
'  *     with  a  petticoat,  accompanied  the  present  with  a  bus 
tle.    We  presume  so,  for  his  excellency  seems  to  have  been 
in  a  great  bustle  ever  since. 


PRENTICE  ANA. 

are  the  warm  friends  of  temperance;  but,  when  it 
becomes  political,  we  consider  it  a  very  intemperate 
kind  of  temperance. 

ALOCOFOCO  editor  in  Indiana,  taunts  us  for  not  taking 
an  active  part  in  the  Mexican  war.  May  be  he  had 
better  set  us  the  example,  as  his  readers  can  much  better 
spare  him  than  ours  can  us.  If  we  have  headed  no  military 
columns  in  the  fight  against  the  Mexicans,  we  have  done 
what  is  quite  as  patriotic — headed  the  columns  of  the 
"  Louisville  Journal "  in  the  fight  against  locofocoism. 


THE  "  Democrat"  says  that  our  paper  is  "in its  dotage." 
The  "  Journal,"  certainly  dotes  on  all  that  is  good,  and 
is  doted  on  by  all  good  men. 


SOME  writers  collect  their  disjointed  ideas  from  all  authors 
within  their  reach,  just  as  the  paper  they  write  on  is 
made  from  the  tattered  rags  of  all  the  stuff  on  earth. 


THE  greatest  thoughts  seem  degraded  in  their  passage 
through  little  minds.     Even  the  winds  of  heaven  make 
but  mean  music  when  whistling  through  a  keyhole. 


"  T  DON'T   think,   husband,   that  you  are  very  smart." 
L   "  No,  indeed,  wife ;  but  everybody  knows  that  I  am 
awfully  shrewed." 


A  MEMBER  of  Congress  from  Philadelphia,  says  that  he 
is  "  disposed  to  give  the  Whigs  no  credit."     Unless  he 
has  changed  mightily  since  he  lived  out  this  way,  he  hasn't 
any  to  give. 


PBENTICEANA.  137 

CHRISTMASVILLE,  Tenn.,  Nov.  26,  1846. 
To  the  Editors  of  the  Louisville  Journal. 

GENTLEMEN:  Inclosed  please  find  one  dollar  for  the 
VT  "Weekly  Journal,"  which  please  forward  to  my  address,  Christ- 
raasville,  Tenn.  You  appear  to  be  quite  sensitive  upon  the  subject 
of  subscription,  and  it  is  from  no  good  feeling  I  have  toward  you 
personally,  that  I  send  for  your  paper,  but  the  great  respect  and  re 
gard  I  have  for  the  Whig  cause.  So,  as  far  as  you  are  personally 
concerned  you  may  go  to  h — ?,  but  send  me  the  "  Journal." 

Eespectfully,  P.  S.  PAEISH. 

We  have  sent  Mr.  Parish's  letter,  with  its  inclosure,  back 
to  him.  His  politics  and  his  money  appear  to  be  very  good, 
but  his  Whig  politics  are  no  apology  for  his  locofoco  man 
ners  ;  and  we  shall  not,  for  the  sake  of  pocketing  his  dollar, 
pocket  his  insults.  We  must  be  poor  indeed  before  we 
shall  come  upon  such  a  parish.  As  for  our  being  "  sensitive 
upon  the  subject  of  subscription,"  we  have  only  to  say  that 
we  are  honest  enough  to  publish  our  terms  and  honest 
enough  to  adhere  to  them  after  they  are  published.  If  Mr. 
Parish  has  any  ambition  to  insult  us,  we  invite  him  to  do  it 
face  to  face,  rather  than  at  the  cowardly  distance  of  some 
hundreds  of  miles.  As  he  is  too  far  off  for  us  to  kick  him, 
we  employ  our  paper  to  do  it  for  us.  The  "  Journal,"  with 
legs  more  numerous  than  a  millipede's,  and  longer  than  a 
leg-treasurer's,  kicks  all  manner  of  blackguards  at  all  man 
ner  of  distances. 


MESSRS.  BELL  &  TOPP,  of  the  "  1ST.  C.  Gazette,"  say 
that  "  Prentices  are  made  to  serve  masters."     Well, 
Bells  were  made  to  be  hung,  'and  Topps  to  be  whipped. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Democrat "  says  that  our  face  "  looks 
thin  and  gaunt."     If  that's  the  case,  we  have  the  morti 
fication  of  resembling  him  in  one  respect  at  least.  If  we  are 
thin-faced,  he  is  double-faced,  so  that  each  of  us  has  a  spare 
face. 


138  PKENTICEAKA. 


rrHE  "  Columbus  Statesman  "  asks  us  what  is  our  "  idea  of 
J-  the  poetry  of  motion  ?"  Well,  sir,  when  on  the  4th  of 
March,  '49,  we  shall  stand,  as  we  expect  to  do,  on  the  sum 
mit  of  the  capitol  at  Washington,  and  behold  the  locofoco 
ex-office-holders  scampering  in  all  directions,  like  thousands 
of  scared  rats,  the  scene  will  come  fully  up  to  our  most  sub 
limated  idea  of  the  "  poetry  of  motion." 


HHHE  old  man  of  the  "  Washington  Union"  professes  to  be 
J-  very  angry  with  the  young  men  of  Auburn,  because  they 
are  going  to  present  Mr.  Clay  with  a  beautiful  chair.  But 
the  truth  is,  the  old  gentleman  is  not,  in  reality,  half  so  an 
gry  that  Mr.  Clay  is  to  be  presented  with  a  fine  chair,  as  he 
is  that  Mr.  Polk  is  to  be  ousted  from  a  still  finer  one. 


WE  perceive  that  Lester,  formerly  a  locofoco  editor  in 
Mississippi,  whose  chief  business  was  to  abuse  the 
"  Louisville  Journal,"  is  now  in  the  penitentiary.  We  must 
take  some  early  opportunity  of  paying  him  a  visit  in  his  new 
home.  We  are  curious  to  see  whether  he  is  as  good  at 
pecking  stone  as  he  is  at  writing  scurrilous  paragraphs. 
During  our  visit,  he  may  look  up  at  us,  but  he  must  not 
speak  to  us,  nor  must  he  stop  pecking  stone.  Like  the 
carrier-pigeon  in  the  song,  he  must — 

"  Turn  up  his  bright  eye— and  peck" 


THE   editor   of  the   "  - Pennsylvanian "  says  that 
he  "  cannot  wade  through  Mr.  Webster's  speech."     A 
speech  that  he  can  wade  through,  must  be  a  very  shallow 
one.                                        ^^ 

P     CHAPMAN  of  the  "  Sentinel "  seems  very  proud  of 
.  his  "  goatee."   We  do  not  think  that  Chapman's  owner 
has  much  reason  to  be  proud  of  his. 


PKENTICEANA.  139 

FTOIE  editor  of  the  "  Democrat "  advises  the  Whigs  to 
J-  "  steal  some  common  sense."  He  feels  perfectly  safe  in 
thus  advising  them,  as  he  knows  that  they  will  not,  in 
search  of  any  such  commodity,  make  a  burglarious  entrance 
into  his  premises. 


MR.  Polk  adheres  to  his  opinions  in  regard  to  the  Ohio 
and  Mississippi  snags.     If  the  people  adhere  to  their 
opinions,  the  snags  will  not  adhere  to  their  places,  nor  Mr. 
Polk  to  his. 


fpHE  "  Washington  Union  "  says  that  "  the  manufacturers 
L   are  sufficiently  encouraged."     That's  a  fact.      The   re 
sults  of  the  late  elections  afford  them  the  most  substantial 
"  encouragement." 


fTlHE  editor  of  the  "  Globe  "  complains  of  the  long  Whig 
•*-  speeches  in  Congress  upon  the  Mexican  war.  The  fact 
is,  the  locofocos  persist  in  making  speeches  about  the  war, 
and  the  Whigs  are  too  civil  to  give  them  short  answers. 


MR.  TREAT  is  the  principal  editor  of  the  "  St.  Louis 
Union,"  although  he  does  not  venture  to  avow  himself 
as  such.  The  reason  is  that  he  is  unpopular  with  the  St. 
Louis  locofocos,  because  he  has  been  temperate  in  his  loco- 
focoism.  We  do  not  think  that  their  own  political  intem 
perance  is  any  good  reason  why  they  shouldn't  stand 
Treat.  __^_ 

HI  HE  "Washington  Union"  says  that  "  the  measures  of 
J-  the  government  at  this  time  are  matters  of  great  inter 
est."  This  is  especially  true  of  the  prominent  measure  of 
the  government,  the  national  debt — it  will  create  a  very 
great  interest  indeed. 


1 10  PKENTICEANA. 

i  J11IE  editor   of  the says  that   it   gives  him  "  a 

-L  retching  of  the  stomach  to  open  some  of  the  Whig 
papers."  Few  things  could  be  more  creditable  to  the 
organs  of  a  party  than  that  they  make  a  wretch  retch. 


THE  administration  is  already  begging  for  the  dollars. — Norwich 
Courier. 

It  is  now  begging  for  dollars,  and  we  apprehend,  that, 
ere  long,  it  will  be  begging  for  quarters. 


I 


ESSRS.  POLK  &  CO.  have  got  their  Sub-treasury,  and 
now  they  feel  its  metallic  claws  in  their  political  vitals. 


IN  Lafayette,   on  Saturday  night,  a  man  named  Cadwal- 
lader,  who  had  been  killing  himself  for  years  with  a  slow 
poison  called  whisky,  finished  the  job  with  a  quick  poison 
called  arsenic. 

e-«-* 

FTIHE  "New  York  Herald"  says  that  "we  have  got 
J-  Mexico  by  the  hair  of  the  head."  Late  news  from  the 
South  created  a  strong  apprehension  for  a  time  that  Mexico 
had  got  hold  of  our  Wool. 


BY  a  law  of  Congress,  the  public  printing  of  that  body 
must  be  given   to   the   lowest  bidder.     Hitherto   the 
locofocos,  instead  of  giving  it  to  the  lowest  bidder,  have 
generally  given  it  to  the  lowest  fellow. 


editor  of  the  "  Pennsylvania  Democrat "  makes  a 
J-  foolish  attempt  to  ridicule  the  Whigs  because  some  of 
them  recently  presented  a  pitcher  to  Mr.  Clay.  We  think 
that  the  locofocos  had  better  send  the  editor  of  that  paper 
to  Mr.  Polk.  The  President  would  then  have  a  utensil 
combining  all  the  qualities  of  a  pitcher  and  a  tumbler. 


PKENTICEANA.  141 

THE  editor  of  the calls  upon  all  who  are  ambitions 
of  honor  to  go  to  the  war.      When  he  got  kicked  for 
his  lampoon  upon  an  officer  of  the  army,  the  seat  of  hostili 
ties  was  certainly  the  seat  of  honor. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Washington  Union "  is  speculating 
upon  the  amount  of  the  public  land  of  the  United 
States  which  would  be  required  to  give  a  bounty  of  one 
hundred  and  sixty  acres  to  each  of  the  soldiers  of  the  army. 
The  Government  editor  should  remember  a  large  portion 
of  the  poor  fellows  will  require  but  six  feet  each — and  this 
they  can  have  in  Mexico. 


"VT7~E  had  supposed  that  the  "Whig  party  would  profit  a  little  by 
VV  <  experience — but  it  seems  the  fools  are  not  all  dead  yet. — New 
York  Globe. 

If  they  are  all  dead,  the  inditing  of  your  paragraph 
proves,  in  regard  to  at  least  one  of  them,  that,  "  although 
dead,  he  yet  speaketh." 


TPHE  Washington  correspondent  of  the  "  Pennsylvanian  " 
-L  says :  "  I  care  nothing  for  the  Whig  indignation  that 
S3ems  continually  suspended  over  my  head."  In  what  form 
does  it  appear  to  him  ?  In  the  shape  of  a  rope  f 


HIKE  "  Pennsylvanian  "  says  that  the  "  President  and  his 
-L  ministers  are  all  sound  and  substantial  men."  They 
certainly  ought  to  have  some  substance  about  them,  as 
they  are  fast  eating  out  the  people's. 


rTHERE  is  a  time  and  a  place  for  everybody. —  Union. 

Certainly.     Your  "  place  "  is  the  penitentiary,  and  ycur 
"  tune  "  not  far  distant. 


14:2  PBENTIC^ANA. 

THE  "  Louisville   Democrat "  announces  the  melancholy 
fact  that  Gen.  Cass  has  been  slain  "  by  the  jaw-bone  of 
an  ass."     Does  our  sly  neighbor  mean  to  insinuate  that  the 
general  has  talked  himself  to  death  ? 


ONE  of  the  high  officers  of  the  government  took  a  por 
tion  of  the  last  loan  advertised  by  the  administration. 
As  a  general  rule,  the  government  officers  will  wait  until 
the  amount  of  the  loan  is  paid  into  the  treasury,  and  "take" 
it  then. 


0 


UR  neighbor  says  that  he  has  caught  us  napping.   Well, 
we  are  smarter  asleep  than  he  is  awake. 


A  DISTINGUISHED  artist  in  New  York  has  sent  Santa  Anna  an 
elegant  cork  leg !     This  is  aid  and  comfort  to  the  enemy. — 
Philadelphia  North  American. 

Old  Rough  and  Ready  ought  by  good  right  to  have 
made  Santa  Anna  a  present  of  a  leg  after  the  battle  of 
Buena  Yista.  Having  whipped  him,  he  should  have  fur 
nished  him  the  means  to  run  away. 


¥E  think  it  likely  that  the  people  of  the  United  States 
will  in   1848    do   what  the    Mexicans    have    vainly 
attempted  to  do — run  Gen.  Taylor. 


NONE  of  the  regular  locofoco  papers  have  as  yet  run  up 
Gen.  Taylor's  flag  for  the  Presidency.     We  see,  how 
ever,  that,  although  they  don't  run  it  up,  they  dare  not  run 

it  down. 

•-•-• — 

E  deny  the  fact. — Democrat. 

If  y<Qu  have  a  talent  for  anything  in  the  world,  it  is  un 
doubtedly  for  denying  facts. 


PKENTICEANA 


143 


THE  letter-writers  state  that  Gen.  Taylor  "  finds  it  diffi 
cult  to  obtain  food  for  his  horses."     If  such  is  the  fact, 
it  seems  almost  a  pity,  that  Brough,  the  fat  editor,  was  not 
sent  out  there ; 

If  flesh  is  grass,  as  people  say, 
Then  Johnny  Brough's  a  load  of  hay. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Washington  Union  "  says  that  he  "  is 
careful  not  to  confound  men  and  principles."     We  are 
aware,  that  so  far  as  his  influence  extends,  he  keeps  men 
and  principles  as  far  apart  as  possible. 


TT7"E  think  Folk's  administration  is  in  a  fair  way  to  make 
» V    the  interesting  discovery,  that,  if  Presidents  can  make 
wars,  wars  can  make  Presidents. 


IT  is  said  that  Santa  Anna  foamed  with  rage  (at  Cerro  Gordo) 
when  he  found  that  the  day  was  lost. —  Charleston  Courier. 

It  is    no   wonder  that   Mr.   Folk's   cork-legged  friend 
foamed  a  little.     He  lost  his  leg ;  he  was  uncorked. 


MR.   FOLK'S   Mexican   accomplice  has   shown  himself 
pretty  good  at  fighting,  but  a  good  deal  better  at  run 
ning  away.     So    far    as    he    is   concerned,   the   war    has 
emphatically  been  what  he  himself  calls  it  in  his  late  address 
to  his  countrymen — "a  war  of  races." 


rrHE  Washington  correspondent  of  the  "New  York 
•*•  Express  "  says  he  is  "  determined  to  unmask  locofocoism, 
however  difficult  the  task  may  be."  If  there  is  any  diffi 
culty  in  getting  its  mask  off,  perhaps  the  shortest  cut  would 
be  to  take  its  head  off. 


144:  PRENTICEANA. 


0 


LD  Rough  and  Ready  hag  proved  himself  a  first-rate 
Taylor.    He  always  gives  his  Mexican  customers  fits. 


"VESTERDAY  we  saw  a  man  making  up  a  large  package 

•*•    of  copies  of  the    " Democrat "  to  be   sent  to 

Ireland.     It  might  seem  heartless  to  congratulate  the  starv 
ing  Irish  upon  this  consignment  of  "  small  potatoes." 


editor  of  the  "  Democrat "  says  that  we  are  playing 
our  last  card.  He  is  mistaken.  We  wouldn't  speak 
lightly  of  serious  things,  but  we  guess  that  when  we  play 
our  last  trump  he  will  be  ready  for  Gabriel's. 


have  seen  a  letter  from  Buena  Vista  which  states 
that  Colonel  Clay,  even  when  mortally  wounded  and 
half-stretched  upon  the  earth,  was  seen  to  kill  at  least  two 
Mexicans  with  his  sword : 

"  He  thought  through  whom 

His  life-blood  tracked  its  parent  lake, 
And  then  struck  home." 


THE  editor  of  a  paper  not  a  hundred  miles  off  keeps 
two  or  three  paragraphs  from  the  "  Louisville  Journal " 
at  the  top  of  his  paper  and  fills  up  the  rest  of  his  sheet  with 
stuff  of  his  own.  He  is  like  some  dealers  in  butter,  who  are 
careful  to  put  a  splendid  article  at  the  head  of  the  firkin  but 
fill  all  below  with  lard  and  soap-grease. 


editor  of  the  "Vermont  Democrat"  describes  Demo- 
L   cracy  as  having  "  one  foot  on  the  Alleghanies  and  the 
other  on  the  Rocky  Mountains."     This  beats  Santa  Anna 
himself,  who,  just  at  present,  has  one  foot  in  New  Orleans 
and  the  other  somewhere  near  the  city  of  Mexico. 


PRENTICEANA  145 

"  Washington  Union  "  wishes  to  know  how  General 
•*•  Scott  will  take  his  rejection  as  a  candidate  for  the 
Presidency.  We  rather  think  he  will  "take  it  easy" — just 
as  he  did  Vera  Cruz. 


FOR  what  warlike  exploit  was  Mr.  Marcy  appointed  Secretary  of 
War  ?  —Albany  Journal. 

Some  think  that  it  was  for  his  unprecedented  charge  upon 
the  State  of  New  York. 


.  J.  X.  CHOBERT,  of  New  York,  the  fire-king,  who 
used  to  sit  in  hot  ovens  with  legs  of  mutton  till  the 
latter  were  roasted,  has  just  received  from  the  French 
Emperor  the  St.  Helena  Medal  for  having  served  twenty- 
six  years  in  Napoleon's  Grand  Army.  No  doubt  it  was  in 
that  service  he  learned  to  stand  fire. 


6;  TTOU  would  be  very  pretty  indeed,"  said  a  gentleman, 
-*-    patronizingly  to  a  young  lady,  "  if  your  eyes  were 
only  a  little  larger."     "  My  eyes  may  be  very  small,  sir,  but 
such  people  as  you  dorttfiU  them." 


is  stranger  than  fiction. —  Union. 

You  don't  let  your  readers  judge  for  themselves.  You 
give  them  a  world  of  "  fiction,"  but  never  let  them  see  the 
"  truth." 


AN  affair  between  the  editors  of  the  "  Vicksburg  Whig  " 
and  the  "  Yicksburg  Sentinel,"  which  was  generally 
expected  to  result  in  bloodshed,  has  been  amicably  settled. 
Thus  has  it  turned  out,  contrary  to  all  indications,  to  be  a 
real  "  affair  of  honor." 


146  PKENTICEANA. 

A  NEIGHBORING  editor  says  he  lately  met  with  one 
of  his  jokes  thirty  years  old.    We  suspect  he  has  met 
with  a  good  many  of  them  much  older  than  himself. 


HHHE  "  Nashville  Union"  says  that  the  Democrats  are  very 
-  prompt  in  going  to  the  war.     To  be  sure  a  good  many 
Democrats  go    there,  but   very   few   come  back.      They 
generally  turn  Whigs  in  their  country's  service. 


THE  "  Democrat  "  complains  that  the  Whigs  are  "  placing 
General  Taylor  in  a  false  position."     They  will  under 
take  to  place  him  in  a  right  one  at  the  next  Presidential 
election. 


man  who  sustains  the  honor  of  Ms  country  must  be 
-Lj  courting  locofocoism.  —  Louisville  Democrat. 

If  so,  there's  not  the  slightest  chance  that  his  suit  will  be 
successful. 


¥E 


are  entirely  uncommitted. Sentinel. 


If  all  the  principal  acts  of  your  life  were  "  entirely  uncom 
mitted,"  you  might  be  a  decent  man. 


THE  editor  of  the  " Democrat "  has  not  the  cour 
age  to  say  whom  he  is  in  favor  of,  for  the  Presidency, 
but  he  DAKES  us  to  say  whom  we  are  in  favor  of.     So,  if  not 
courageous,  he  is  certainly  daring. 


A  BILL  is  pending  in  one  of  our  western  legislatures  to 
empower  women  to  make  contracts.     They  should  by 
all  means  be  authorized  to  contract — they  have  been  ex 
panding  too  much. 


PKENTICEANA.  147 

THE  studio  of  a  first-rate  portrait  painter  must  be  a  per 
fect  bedlam,  it  is  so  full  of  striking  likenesses. 


FT1HOSE   periodicals   are  most  likely  to   explode  which 
-*-  haven't  a  spark  of  fire  in  or  about  them. 


A 


LADY  may  give  her  husband  a  piece  of  her  mind  if  she 
chooses,  but  she  shouldn't  break  the  peace. 


"  \TOIJ  always  lose  your  temper  in  my  company,"  said  an 
-*-    individual  of  doubtful  reputation.      "  True,  sir,  and 
I  shouldn't   wonder  if  I  lost   everything  valuable  I  had 
about  me." 

IT1HE  earth  is  a  tender  and  kind  mother  to  the  husband- 
-*-  man ;  and  yet,  at  one  season,  he  always  harrows  her 
bosom,  and  at  another  plucks  her  ears. 


Eyour  watch  is  snatched  from  you  in  the  street,  the  best 
ohing  you  can  do  is  to  raise  the  cry  of  "  watch !  watch !" 


(  WESTERN  politician,  who  was  in  the  Blackhawk  war 
-£*•  and  is  now  a  candidate  for  office,  gives  notice  that  he 
is  "a  peaceable  man."  Indeed  he  is;  we  watched  his 
career  through  the  whole  war,  and  never  in  our  lives  did 
we  know  a  more  peaceable  man. 


i  FELLOW  in  Tennessee,  arrested  for  stealing  a  bank- 
-^*-  bill,  was  searched,  and  the  bill  was  not  found.  A 
person  who  had  observed  him  closely,  insisted  that  an 
e<netic  should  be  given  him.  The  thief  was  convicted  out 
of  his  own  mouth. 


14:8  PKENTICEANA. 

THE  man  who  has  no  conscience  of  his  own  to  keep,  is 
generally  the  most  anxious  to  be  the  keeper  of  other 
people's. 


TIHE  slanderer  is  like  the  chameleon — he  destroys  his  prey 
by  a  dart  of  his  tongue. 


THE  editor  of  the says  that  Mr.  Kelly,  the  mes- 
merizer,  passed  us  off  upon  one  of  his  mesmerized  sub 
jects  as  a  lady.     We  defy  all  the  mesmerism  in  the  world 
to  pass  him  off  as  a  lady — or  a  gentleman. 


A  SKEPTIC  thinks  it  very  extraordinary  that  an  ass  once 
talked  like  a  man.     Isn't  it  still  more  extraordinary 
that  thousands  of  men  are  continually  talking  like  asses  ? 


A  POPULAR  author  exclaims:  "What  a  pity  some 
-£*•  quadrupeds  can't  talk !"  We  are  rather  disposed  to 
say,  what  a  pity  some  bipeds  can  1 


T  AM  told,  miss,  that   your  lover  plays  and  drinks." 
J-  "  Oh,  yes,  sir,  he  plays  the  flute  divinely,  and  drinks 
at  the  spring  of  Helicon." 


"IT7ILD  rye- and  wild  wheat  grow  in  some  regions  spon- 
» V    taneously.     We  believe   that  wild   oats   are   always 


sown. 


DON'T  know  what  to  do  !"  exclaimed  a  perplexed 
husband ;  "  my  wife,  if  denied  anything,  is  sure  to 
have  a  fit."  "  Well,  you  can  offset  her  fit  with  one  of  your 
own— in  such  a  case,  counter-fitting  is  entirely  justifiable." 


PRENTICEANA.  149 

V 

A  LOUISIANA  editor  speaks  lightly  of  kissing.  His 
•^4-  object  evidently  is  to  promote  the  interest  of  his  own 
State.  Sugar  is  her  staple,  and  he  knows  that  kissing 
greatly  reduces  the  demand  for  it. 


"TTrHElST  a  man  goes  toward  his  object  in  a  tortuous  course, 
» V    you  had  better  set  him  down  as  a  serpent. 


U  T  ET  the  Democracy  be  united  to  a  man." — Louisville  Demo- 
Jj  crat. 

Our  neighbor  takes  Democracy  for  an  old  woman,  and  is 
exhorting  her  to  get  married.  We  are  afraid  that  the 
old  hag  is  so  ugly  that  she  can't  find  any  one  to  take  her. 
She  will  have  to  live  on  in  single  cursedness. 


A  CCORDING  to  the  New  York  "Express,"  nine  thou- 
-ti  sand  ladies  of  that  city  shook  hands  with  Mr.  Clay,  and 
kissed  him  or  were  kissed  by  him,  in  the  brief  space  of  two 
hours.  This  was  just  seventy-five  kisses  to  the  minute,  or 
considerably  more  than  one  to  the  second.  We  are  not 
altogether  sure  that  Mr.  Clay,  instead  of  kissing  nine 
thousand  girls  in  two  hours,  would  not  have  preferred  to 
select  the  prettiest  one  of  the  whole  number  and  kiss  her 
two  hours. 


A  N  editor  in  the  West  boasts  that  his  enemies  will  find 
•**.  him  "  a  young  David."  Very  few  read  his  paper  with 
out  feeling  disposed  to  exclaim — Go-liar! 


r THOSE  people  who  turn  up  their  noses  at  the  world, 
^    might  do  well  to  reflect  that  it  is  as  good  a  world  as 
they  were  ever  in,  and  a  much  better  one  than  they  are 
likely  ever  to  get  into  again. 


150  PRENTICEANA. 

¥E  know  a  paper  that  has  an  invaluable  local  editor.    If 
he  cannot  find  rows  enough  to  make  his  department 
interesting,  he  kicks  them  up  himself. 


A  POPULAR  writer  says  that  a  woman  "  should  be  won 
-£*-  by  degrees."  Certainly — win  first  her  ears  and  eyes, 
then  her  heart,  then  her  lips,  and  then  her  hand. 


A  CERTAIN  editor,  who  has  had  a  controversy  with  U8, 
suggests  that  he  and  we  look  each  other  in  the  face. 
But  he  would  have  the  advantage  of  us ;  he  would  have 
much  the  better  prospect. 


^  "W"^"^'  my  ^ear  s*r'  are  y°u  a^wavs  gazmg  at  the  sun- 
*'    sets?"     "Just  because  they  are  the  only  golden 

prospects  I  ever  have." 


TT  is  undoubtedly  true  that  some  people  mistake  sycophancy 
•1  for  good  nature,  but  it  is  equally  true  that  many  more 


mistake  impertinence  for  sincerity. 


A  WELL-KNOWN  writer  says  that  a  fine  coat  covers  a 
-£*•  multitude  of  sins.  It  is  still  truer  that  such  coats 
cover  a  multitude  of  sinners. 


I 


ANY  a  sweetly-fashioned  mouth  has  been   disfigured 
and  made  hideous  by  the  fiery  tongue  within  it. 


1 


EN  are  deserted  in  adversity.     When  the  sun  sets,  and 
all  is  dark,  our  very  shadows  refuse  to  follow  us. 


PKENTICEANA.  151 

A    CORRESPONDENT  asks  us  to  expose  the  "  Model 
A   Artists."    The  "  Model  Artists  "  expose  themselves. 


THE  Ohio  "  State  Journal "  calls  the  case  of  the  Wooster 
bank  "a  downright  failure."     But  was  it  an  upright 
failure  ? 

fTHE  newspapers  are  publishing  a  very  long  piece  of  the 
J-  late  John  Quincy  Adams's  poetry,  entitled  "  The  Wants 
of  Man."  Man  has  many  "  wants,"  but  we  do  not  think 
that  Mr.  Adams's  poetry  is  one  of  them. 


IF  men  could  find  the  fabled  fountain  that  is  said  to 
restore  youth,  and  health,  and  beauty,  with  what  eager 
ness  they  would  rush  to  drink  its  waters.  Yet,  with  scarcely 
less  eagerness  do  they  now  rush  to  drink  of  waters  that 
bring  upon  them  premature  old  age,  and  disease,  and  loath 
some  ugliness. 


I 


ANY  a  writer  seems  to  think  that  he  is  never  profound 
except  when  he  can't  understand  his  own  meaning. 


w 


E  don't  know  when  we  have  heard  of  a  more  appro 
priate  marriage  than  a  recent  one  in  Ohio,  of  Miss 
to  Mr.  BuskirJc. 


WE  recently  saw  two  men  quarrelling.     One  of  them  was 
excessively  violent  at  first,  but  became  perfectly  calm 
the  moment  the  other  got  violent.    He  was  cured  as  doctors 
fiometimes  cure  maladies — by  counter-irritation. 


TFHERE  is  no  objection  to  broils  in  a  house,  so  they  be 
L   confined  to  the  kitchen. 


152  PKENTICEANA. 

TT7OUNDS  healed  when  the  body  is  in  health,  sometimes 
'*    break  out  afresh  in  sickness;    but  evil  passions  and 
propensities,  that  seem  cured  in  sickness,  often  break  out 
afresh  in  health.  

**  pLEASE  take  this  medicine,  wife,  and  I'll  be  hanged  if 
-t    it  doesn't  cure  you."     "  Oh,  I  will  take  it,  then,  by 
all  means,  for  it  is  sure  to  do  good  one  way  or  the  other." 


T^MERSON  tells  us  that  "  the  tongue  should  be  a  faithful 
-f-J  teacher."  Certainly  the  eye  ought  to  be — it  always  has 
a  pupil.  

THE  heart  of  every  true  lover  of  nature  is  a  harp  of  Mem- 
non ;  its  music  swells  to  heaven  in  the  beams  of  the 


DR.  MAGINN  says  that  no  cigar-smoker  ever  committed 
suicide  ;  but  we  guess  that  many  a  one's  wife  has  wished 

he  would. 

— •-•-« 

M  T  DON'T  think,  madam,  that  your  inland  manners  would 
-*-  suit  me."     "  Probably  they  wouldn't,  sir  ;  yours  are 
very  outlandish." 


H 
M 


IOW  may  a  man  always  become  four-handed  f     By 
doubling  his  two  fists. 


ANY  writers  profess  great  exactness  in  punctuation, 
who  yet  never  make  a  point. 


AN  Illinois  editor,  old  but  not  venerable,  assails  us  with  a 
sarcasm  borrowed  from  a  dead  writer.     When  an  old 
fellow  has  lost  his  own  teeth,  he  is,  perhaps,  excusable  for 
using  dead  people's  to  bite  with. 


PKENTICEANA.  153 

¥E  see  that  considerable  quantities  of  maple  sugar  are 
made  in  California.     So  there  are  sappers  as  well  as 
miners  in  that  State. 


A  CORRESPONDENT  of  the  "  Richmond  Enquirer  » 
**•  seems  in  great  doubt  which  of  two  candidates  his  party 
ought  to  run  for  the  Presidency.  "  Stranger,  which  of 
these  two  roads  is  the  best  ?"  said  a  traveller  to  a  chap  by 
the  wayside.  "  There  isn't  much  difference  —  take  which 
you  will,  and,  before  you  have  got  half-way,  you'll  wish  you 
had  taken  t'other." 

ANEW  YORK  paper   says  that   suicide  is  becoming 
alarmingly  prevalent  in  that  city.     We  fear  there  are 
few  cities  where  it  could  prevail  with  greater  advantage  to 
the  world  at  large. 

¥E  are  satisfied  that  the  reason  why  girls  are  in  the 
habit  of  pouting  out  their  lips  is  because  they  are 
always  willing  that  theirs  should  meet  ours  half-way. 


LOWERS  fling  their  wealth  upon  the  vacant  air,  and 
rich  men  often  fling  theirs  upon  the  vacant  heir. 


THE  "  Union  "  says  that  Gen.  Cass  is  "  proverbially  equa 
ble  in  his  feelings."  Those  who  are  aware  with  what 
uniform  fury  he  rages  for  war  upon  all  occasions,  must 
acknowledge  that  his  feelings  are  very  equable.  "My 
\vife,"  said  an  unfortunate  husband,  "  is  the  most  even-tem 
pered  person  I  ever  saw  ;  she's  always  mad." 


MARTIN   LUTHER   says  that  "the  birds   of  the   air 
preach  faith  to  us."     We  suppose  that  only  the  male 
birds  are  preachers.     The  females  belong  to  the  lay  class. 

>7* 


T 


154:  PEENTICEANA. 

A  FELLOW  stole  a  pair  of  Nankin  pantaloons  from  a 
-£*•  tailor's  shop  in  Louisville  the  other  day,  and  ran.  The 
tailor  pursued  him  and  recovered  the  pantaloons.  The 
knight  of  the  goose  and  shears  did  what  the  British  didn't 
in  the  Chinese  war — he  captured  Nankin. 


THE  editor  of  a  political  paper  says,  sarcastically,  that  at 
any  rate,  he  doesn't  devote  more  than  half  his  time  to 
telling  falsehoods.     We  presume  he  devotes  the  other  half 
to  denying  truths. 

THE  more  liquor  a  man  drinks  the  thirstier  he  grows. 
Like  a  craft  left  by  the  tide  upon  the  beach,  he  gets 
high  and  dry. 

M  T  ANDLORD,  you  do  me  too  much  honor ;  you  let  me 
•L^  sleep  among  the  Big  Bugs  last  night."     "  Oh,  don't 
be  too  modest,  my  dear  lodger,  I  doubt  not  they  have  your 
own  blood  in  their  veins." 


-V 

6  ;  TTCrSBAND,  I  wish  you  would  buy  me  some  pretty 
-CL  feathers."  "  Indeed,  my  dear  little  wife,  you  look 
better  without  them."  "  Oh,  no,  sir  ;  you  always  call 
me  your  little  bird,  and  how  does  a  bird  look  without 
feathers  ?" 


don't  be  proud,"  said  a  couple  of  silly  young 
roystcrers  to  two  gentlemen  ;  "  sit  down  and  make 
yourselves  our  equals."  "  We  should  have  to  blow  our 
brains  out  to  do  that." 


QEVERAL  graceless  fellows  have  written  their  names 
^  upon  the  tomb  at  Mt.  Vcrnon.  Ah,  ye  miscreants,  the 
world  would  rather  see  your  names  upon  your  own  tombs 
than  upon  Washington's. 


PKENTICEANA.  155 

AN  Indiana  paper  says  that  a  scientific  farmer  in  that 
State  has  succeeded  in  obtaining  a  grain,  seeming  to 
partake  equally  of  the  nature  of  wheat  and  barley.     He 
must  have  used  a  cross-grained  process. 


^  VOTJ'LL   kill  yourself,   smoking  so  much,  husband." 
-*-    "  Indeed,  wife,  I  must  use  the  weed."     "  Oh,  very 
well,  I  guess  I  shall  have  occasion  for  weeds  myself,  pretty 
soon." 


TTA.VE  you  ever  seen  a  mermaid,  commodore  ?"    "  I've 
J"*-  seen  a  good  many  fah-women,  madam." 


"If  EN  could  afford,  like  grasshoppers,  to  spend  the  whole 
J-'J-  summer  in  singing,  if;  like  grasshoppers,  they  needed 


no  food  in  winter. 


don't  you  ask  your  sweetheart  to  marry  you?" 
"I  have  asked  her."     "  What  did  she  say  ?"     "  Oh, 
I've  the  refusal  of  her." 


TpEROCITY  is  sometimes  assumed,  as  well  as  gentleness. 
-*-  There  are  as  many  sheep  in  wolves'  clothing  as  there 
are  wolves  in  sheep's. 

ONE  of  the  very  best  of  all  earthly  possessions  is  self- 
possession. 

ONE  swallow,  to  be  sure,  doesn't  make  a  summer ;  but 
too  many  swallows  make  a  fall. 


TIMIDITY  in  a  young  man  is  better  than  cool  impudence. 
'    'Tis  a  pity  the  ladies  won't  think  so. 


156  PBENTICEANA. 

E  Whig  leaders  hereabouts  had  better  look  out.    "We  shall  wake 
the  rascals  up  in  a  few  days. — Locofoco  paper. 

You  wake  up  a  great  rascal  every  morning. 


THE  "  Washington  Union  »  says  that  Gen.  Cass's  letter  to 
the  Chicago  Convention  "  is,  to  be  sure,  very  short." 
At  all  events,  it  is  so  long  that  we  doubt  whether  he  and 
his  friends  will  ever  see  the  end  of  it. 


WHATEVER  may  have  been  the  facts  in  the  Louisville  case,  no 
explanation  can  alter  the  opinion  of  thoughtful  and  unpreju 
diced  men;  and  this  will  be,  that  associations  to  put  down  for 
eigners  can  only  result  in  tumult  and  bloodshed. — Boston  Atlas. 

If  foreigners  will  shoot  and  murder  because  they  are 
voted  against,  it  is  a  miserable  reason  why  they  should  be 

voted  for. 

»-*-• — 

GEN".  CASS  and  Gen.  Taylor  have  both  been  for  many 
years  in  the  public  service.     During  all  that  time,  Tay 
lor  has  been  distinguished  for  extra  service,  and  Cass  for 
extra  pay. 

WEEP  and  be  comforted.    The  gloom  of  the  skies  dis 
solves  in  rain,  and  that  of  the  heart  in  tears. 


A  LOCOFOCO  editor  in  Indiana  offers  to  loan  us  a  copy 
of  the  Bible.     We  have  good  reason  to  think  that  he 
loaned  his  only  copy  when  he  was  very  young,  and  has 
never  got  it  back. 

fTlHE  "  Pennsylvania  Democrat "  acknowledges  that  Mr. 
-*•  M.  R.  Sute,  a  Democrat,  will  vote  for  Taylor.  A  good 
many  other  Democrats  vtill  follow  Sute. 


PKENTICEANA.  157 

9 

THE  "  Washington  Union  "  undertakes  to  say  what  Gen. 
Cass  would  "  allow  "  and  what  he  would  "  not  allow  " 
if  he  were  President.     It  is  hard  to  say  what  he  wouldn't 
"  allow."     If  he  is  remarkable  for  anything,  it  is  for  4<  extra 
allowances." 


IT1AKE 
JL  man. 


KE  one  letter  from  Taylor  and  you  have  Tyler.  —  Ohio  States- 


one  letter  from  Cass,  and  what  sort  of  an  animal 
have  you  ? 

STILL  another  life  of  Gen.  Cass  has  just  been  published. 
This  makes  the  seventh.     Give  him  two  more.    A  loco- 
foco  candidate  ought  not  to  be  behind  a  cat. 


IN  Belmont  and  Harrison  there  will  not  be  more  than  half  a  crop 
of  Whigs  this  fall. —  Cincinnati  Enquirer. 

If  locofocoism  fails  to  produce  a  good  crop  next  year,  it 
will  not  be  for  the  want  of  deep  planting.  We  shall  put  it 
six  feet  under  ground  in  November. 


A 


N"  Indiana   paper  calls   the   editor   of  the 


"  the  funniest  dog  alive."     We  do  not  know  whether 
he  is  a  funny  dog,  but  he  certainly  is  a  very  great  one. 


THE   "North  American"    says  that   "Mr. ,  the 
actor,  has  exhibited  a  great  deal  of  bad  feeling."     It 
might  be  said  that  he  has  exhibited  a  great  deal  of  bad 
acting. 

TWO  men,  strangers  to  each  other,  got  into  a  dispute  upon 
the  highway.     "I  will  let  you  know,  sir,  that  I  am  Mr. 
Hodge !"    exclaimed   one   of  them,    threateningly.     "  Oh, 
well,  I  am  equal  to  several  of  you ;  I  am  Mr.  Hodges." 


158  PRENTICEANA. 

SINCE  Taylor  became  President,  the  "Louisville  Journal "  has 
revolved  completely  around  on  some  points. — Southern  Mer 
cury. 

"No  wonder  you  think,  from  the  execution  the  Journal  is 
doing,  that  it  is  a  "revolver." 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Sentinel "  says  that  nothing  has  re 
cently  turned  up  in  his  neighborhood.    We  should  think 
that  noses  would  turn  up  wherever  he  goes. 


i;  FJOW  do  you  do?"  exclaimed  a  gentleman,  seizing  a 
A-t  lady's  hand  and  squeezing  it  rather  rudely.     "  Oh,  I 
am  suffering  from  the  pressure,  sir." 


y011  stand  my  second?"  said  a  gentleman,  who 
proposed  to  fight  a  duel.     "  No,  indeed — for  you 
wouldn't  stand  a  second  yourself." 


IF  lightning  rods  do  not  actually  take  the  lightning  from 
the  clouds,  they  at  least  take  the  fear  of  it  from  timid 
hearts. 


TTOWLS  seem  exceedingly  grateful  for  the  gift  of  cold 
•*•  water.  They  never  swallow  a  drop  of  it  without  turn 
ing  up  their  eyes  to  heaven. 


GO  I  see,  Will,  that  you  have  got  a  moustache."     "  Oh, 
V 


yes,  Jack  ;  I  have  got  to  be  a  Wi 


ALL  our  Arctic  explorers  have  enjoyed   one  important 
advantage:  in  their  deadliest  perils  they  always  keep 
cool. 


PKENTIOEANA.  159 

A    FRIEND  that  you  have  to  buy  won't  be  worth  what 
-£*•  you  pay  for  him — no  matter  how  little  that  may  be. 


HHHE  editor  of  the ,  since  we  have  known  him,  has 

-*-  striven  successively  to  ingratiate  himself  with  three 
different  parties.  He  is  anxious  to  be  important  in  some 
party,  but  doesn't  care  at  all  what  one.  "Molly,  are  you 
happy  ?''  said  a  deacon  to  a  rather  weak  sister.  "  Yes, 
deacon,  I  feel  as  though  I  should  like  to  be  in  Beelzebub's 
bosom."  "  Not  in  Beelzebub's,  sister  ?"  "  Well,  some  one 
of  the  old  patriarchs',  I  don't  care  which." 


THE  "Richmond  Enquirer,"  speaking  of  Mr.  Folk's 
•*•  political  history,  says  that  he  was  nearly,  or  quite,  per 
fect.  No  doubt  Mr.  Polk  was  very  perfect  in  his  way. 
"Whatever  God  has  made  is  perfect,"  said  a  western 
preacher  to  his  hearers.  "  What  do  you  think  of  me  ?"  said 
a  hunchback,  rising  and  exhibiting  his  own  deformity. 
"  Why,  that  you  are  as  perfect  a  hunchback  as  I  ever  saw." 


A  SOUTHERN  paper  says  that  "the  only  way  to  a 
northern  man's  sensibilities  is  through  his  pocket." 
We  well  remember,  that,  after  the  great  Pittsburg  fire, 
three  times  as  much  money  was  contributed  for  the  sufferers 
by  the  city  of  Boston  alone  as  by  the  whole  State  of  South 
Carolina.  Such  facts  show,  that,  if  there  is  a  way  to  the 
sensibilities  of  northern  men  through  their  pockets,  there  is 
;ilso  a  way  to  their  pockets  through  their  sensibilities. 


A  QUILL  has  been  denned  by  somebody  as  an  instrument 
-£*•  taken  from  the  pinion  of  one  goose  to  spread  the 
opinions  of  another.  We  may  add  that  the  gabble  of  the 
first  goose  is  very  often  more  tolerable  than  that  of  the 
second. 


160  P  R  E  N  T  I  C  E  A  N  A  . 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Union  "  tells  what  sort  of  epitaph  he 
would  have  inscribed  on  his  tombstone.    The  public  care 
very  little  what  epitaph  is  written  over  him,  so  it  be  done 
soon. 


THE  editor  of  the  Point  Coupee  paper  says,  that,  while  he 
was  lately  sitting  in  his  bachelor's  hall  with  his  devil,  a 
large  rattlesnake  fell  upon  the  floor  near  his  feet.  His 
bachelor's  hall  is  no  doubt  destined  to  remain  a  bachelor's 
hall.  No  sensible  woman  would  think  of  going  in  witji  a 
locofoco  editor,  a  devil,  and  a  snake. 


A  WESTERN"  hunter  recently  shot  three  times  at  a  wolf 
a  hundred  yards  off,  while  the  wolf  sat  and  howled  at 
him.     He  complains  that  he  didn't  have  an  even  chance;  he 
fired  off-hand,  while  the  wolf  took  a  rest — on  his  tail. 


SELFISHNESS  sometimes  works  well.  If  Eve  had  only 
^  eaten  the  whole  apple,  instead  of  sharing  it  with  Adam, 
human  nature  would  have  been  evil  only  on  the  mother's 
side.  

IT  costs  men  a  great  deal  of  trouble  to  exhibit  constant 
ill-nature,  and  they  don't  make  anything  by  it.     Why 
should  they  be  such  fools  as  to  work  for  nothing  ? 


U  TJUSBAND,  I  must  have  some  change  to-day."   "  Well, 
Al   stay  at  home  and  take  care  of  the  children — that  will 
be  change  enough." 


I 


HAVEN'T  another  word  to  say,  wife — I  never  dis 
pute  with  fools."     "  No,  husband,  you  are  very  sure  to 


agree  with  them." 


PEENTICEANA.  161 

AN  American  writer  says  that  asses  are  the  most  vilified 
of  all  animals.     We  believe  that  foxes  are  the  most  run 
down. 


POSITION  is  something,  but  not  everything.  The  eyes 
-*•  are  in  the  rear  of  the  nose,  but  can  see  much  further 
than  it  can  smell. 


TF  "  all  the  world's  a  stage,"  many  a  chap  of  our  acquaint- 
J-  ance  would  like  mightily  to  be  the  stage-driver. 


'ANY  a  man  keeps  on  drinking  till  he  hasn't  a  coat  to 
either  his  back  or  his  stomach. 


does  real  estate  sell  in  your  town?"     "Oh,  it's 
as  cheap  as  dirt." 


ALOCOFOCO  postmaster  in  New  Hampshire   named 
Day  has  been  charged  with  malfeasance  in  office.     He 
h:is  called  upon  his  locofoco  clerks  as  witnesses.     Of  course 
they  are  expected  to  lie  for  him.    That  is  no  doubt  the 
order  of  the  Day. 

WE  do  not  know  whether  the  editor  of  the gets 
adequately  paid  in  this  world  for  his  lying,  but  he  will 
be  pretty  sure  to  get  his  fuel  for  it  in  the  next. 


THE  "Albany  Evening  Journal"  says  that  the  locofoco 
party,  notwithstanding  its  coalition  with  the  negroes,  is 
destined  to  speedy  dissolution.     If  that  party  expires  in  the 
loving  embrace  of  the  blacks,  the  verdict  of  the  coroner's 
jury  must  be — died  in  the  wool. 


162  PKENTICEANA. 


TO 

L  « 


these  hard  times  "  many  a  good  tall  fellow  "  is  always 
short." 


THE  editor  of  the has  undertaken  to  laugh  at  us 
for  placing  ourselves,  when  indisposed,  under  the  care 
of  a  Thompsonian  doctor.  Just  now  he  himself  goes  for 
the  homoeopathic  practice.  He  has,  at  various  times,  tried 
all  sorts  of  medical  treatment  except  one,  and  we  advise  him 
to  try  that.  "  Doctor,"  said  a  very  slovenly-looking  patient, 
"  I  have  tried  everything  I  could  think  of  for  this  rheuma 
tism,,  and  without  the  least  effect."  The  doctor,  surveying 
him  for  a  moment,  asked  if  he  had  ever  tried  a  clean  shirt. 


ON"E  of  the  locofoco  letter-writers  sneers  at  General  Tay 
lor's  wife.  He  speaks  of  her  as  "  well  enough  for  the 
wife  of  an  old  farmer."  Perhaps  it  is  not  strange  that 
these  treasury-rats  have  an  antipathy  to  the  wife  of  the 
patriotic  old  farmer-President.  Probably  said  rats  have  in 
mind  the  fate  of  the  three  blind  mice — 

"  The  farmer's  wife, 

She  cut  off  their  tails  with  a  carving-knife." 


THE  "  Advertiser "  contains  a  long  valedictory  from  its 
late  editor  Shadrack  Penn.  Shadrack,  after  a  residence 
of  twenty-three  years  as  an  editor  in  this  city,  goes  to  spend 
the  rest  of  his  life  and  lay  his  bones  in  St.  Louis.  Well,  he 
has  our  best  wishes  for  his  prosperity ;  all  the  ill-will  we 
ever  felt  for  him  passed  out  long  ago  through  our  thumb 
and  fore-finger.  His  lot  hitherto  has  been  a  most  ungentle 
one ;  but  we  trust  his  life  may  prove  akin  to  the  plant  that 
begins  to  blossom  at  the  advanced  age  of  half  a  century. 
May  all  be  well  with  him  here  and  hereafter ;  for  we  should 
be  sorry  if  a  poor  fellow,  whom  we  have  been  torturing 
eleven  years  in  this  world,  were  to  be  handed  over  to  the 
d — 1  in  the  next. 


PKESTTICEANA.  163 

THE   editor   of  the    says   that   "cowhiding 
involves  a  serious  responsibility."     It  is  a  responsibility 
which  has  rested  frequently  and  heavily  upon  his  shoulders. 


THE  Whigs  are  trying  to  break  down  Mr.  Tyler  that  they  may 
build  up  the  fame  of  Mr.  Clay  on  the  ruins. — Madisonian. 
You  might  as  well  charge  them  with  thinking  to  build  up 
a  temple  on  the  ruins  of  a  chicken-coop. 


WORTH  is  a  New  Yorker,  and  no  New  York 
paper  expresses  a  doubt  of  his  Whiggism.  There  may 
be  a  good  deal  of  merit  among  the  Democratic  officers  and 
soldiers  of  the  army,  but  there  is  no  Worth  among  them — 
110  general  Worth,  and,  so  far  as  we  know,  no  private 
Worth.  _^__ 

T  seems  to  be  the  expectation  of  many  of  the  locofoco 
leaders  to  take  Gen.  Cass  as  the  locofoco  candidate  for 
the  Presidency.  It  is  amusing  to  think  of  a  contest 
between  Gen.  Cass  and  Gen.  Taylor.  The  only  military 
feat  of  the  one  was  to  break  his  own  sword  in  impotent 
wrath,  while  the  other  has  broken  the  sword  and  cloven  the 
shield  of  Mexico. 


T1HE  "  Washington  Union  "  says  that  "  democracy  and 
liberty  are  children  of  the  same  parent."    If  these  child 
ren  have  the  same  father,  their  mothers  must  be  about  as 
much  alike  as  the  mother  of  pearl  and  the  mother  of  vine 
s'11''  ... 

A  VERMONT  editor  says  that  he  is  aware  that  his  lan- 
£*•  guage  is  strong.  We  have  observed  that  he  never 
makes  his  word  so  strong  but  that  he  can  break  it  without 
the  least  difficulty. 


164:  PRENTICEANA.. 

THE  people  of  the  United  States  are  sure  to  go  the  way  he  (the 
editor  of  the  Journal)  doesn't. — Democrat. 

There's  no  doubt  that  the  editor  of  the  Democrat  always 
tries  to  go  the  way  we  don't.  We  can  at  any  time  make 
him  go  in  whatever  direction  we  please  simply  by  inducing 
him  to  think  that  we  are  going,  or  that  we  wish  him  to  go 
in  the  opposite  direction.  We  should  merely  have  to  adopt 
the  tactics  of  the  Irish  pig-driver,  who,  with  the  greatest 
facility  drove  his  pig  to  Cork  by  pretending  to  the  little 
brute  that  he  wished  to  drive  him  to  Kilkenny. 


ITVHE  editor  of  the  "  Washington  Union  "  promises  to  "  put 
-L  to  rest  all  the  stories  discreditable  to  our  generals  in 
Mexico."  We  have  seen  very  few  such  stories,  and  those 
few  can  no  doubt  be  easily  "  put  to  rest,"  as  they  have  a 
Pillow  to  repose  on. 


THE  song  of  the  poet,  like  that  of  his  companion,  the 
nightingale,  bursts  sweetest  from  the   bosom   of  the 
wilderness. 


HOME  old  women  and  men  grow  bitter  with  age.     The 
^  more  their  teeth  drop  out  the  more  biting  they  get. 


THE  editor  of  a  New  York  paper  apologizes  to  his  readers 
on  account  of  "  absence  of  nearly  a  week  from  sickness." 
We  should  like  to  be  absent  from  sickness  forever,  and 
wouldn't  think  of  apologizing  to  anybody. 


WE   know  a  beautiful  girl,  who  would  prove  a  capital 
speculation  for    a   fortune-hunter  of   the   right  sort. 
Her  voice  is  of  silver,  her  hair  of  gold,  her  teeth  of  pearl, 
her  cheeks  of  rubies,  and  her  eyes  of  diamonds. 


PRENTICEANA.  165 

YOU  had  better  name  your  children  after  the  famous  dead 
than  the  famous  living.     Till  a  man  ceases  to  act,  you 
can't  tell  what  sort  of  name  he  will  leave  behind  him. 


HE  is  a  first-rate  collector,  who  can,  upon  all  occasions, 
r>.r»ll«apf.  Tiia  wit.s 


MISERS,  who  never  use  what  they  have,  may  justly  be 
compared  to  toads  that  have  numberless  "  stools  "  and 
never  sit  on  them. 


ONE  of  our  finest  writers  says  that  "  the  nightly  dews 
come  down  upon  us  like  blessings."     How  very  differ 
ently  the  daily  dues  come  down  upon  us  in  these  hard 
times. 


u  T  WOULD  do  anything  to  gratify  you;  I  would  go  to 
J-  the  end  of  the  world  to  please  you,"  said  a  fervent 
lover  to  the  object  of  his  affections.      "  Well,  sir,  go  there 
and  stay,  and  I  shall  be  pleased." 


M  T)ONIFACE  !"  exclaimed  a  hungry  traveller  to  his  land- 
•U  lord,  after  several  vain  attempts  to  masticate  a  piece 
of  a  rooster,    "  do   you   suppose   that  I   can   eat   the  old 
scratcher  himself?" 


ANEW  HAVEN  editor  speaks  of  a  storm  which  "  roared 
so  loud  that  you  couldn't  hear  a  dog  bark."     We  sup 
pose,  that  the  bark  of  the  dogs,  like  an  occasional  bark  off 
r/he  coast  of  Connecticut,  was  lost  in  the  Sound. 


WHEN  a  young  man  complains  that  a  young  lady  has  no 
heart,  it  is  a  pretty  certain  sign  that  she  at  least  has 
his. 


166  PEENTICEANA. 

IT  was  suggested  some  time  ago  that  Mr.  Polk  was  deter 
mined  to    drive  the  Mexicans  into  the  Pacific.     From 
his  evident  anxiety  for  peace,  it  is  pretty  clear  that  either 
the  Mexicans  or  the  Americans  have  driven  HIM  into  the 
pacific. 

L- 

6  T  GIVE  my  enemies  no  quarter,"  said  a  cross  old  fellow, 
J-  the  other  day.     And  that's  just  the  way  in  which  he 
treats  poor  people  who  ask  charity  of  him. 


MRS.  JENNIE  R.,  a    danseuse   in  one  of  our  western 
theatres,  is  advertised  to  whirl  around  fifteen  tunes  on 
one  foot  without  stopping.     She  is  a  spinning-jenny. 


A  GEORGIA  paper  gives  the  names  of  five  judges  in  that 
-£*-  State,  worth  half  a  million  of  dollars  each.  Georgia 
has  an  independent  judiciary. 


A  WRITER  in  the  "  New  York  True  Sun  "  is  advising 
the  editor  of  the  "  Globe  "  to  know  himself.     That's 
advising  him  to  form  a  very  low  acquaintance. 


THE  poor  man,  who  travels  with  a  pack  on  his  back,  is 
generally  far  better  than  the  black-leg  who  travels  with 
a  pack  in  his  pocket. 

AN  Indiana  editor  boasts  that  there  is  an  understanding 
between  him  and  his  neighbor.     We  think  it  very  cer 
tain  that  they  haven't  got  more  than  one  between  them. 


A 


GOVERNMENT  that  expends  its  principal  means  upon 
a  navy,  must  expect  to  have  a  heavy  floating  debt 


PRENTICEANA.  167 

/THE  common  opinion  is  that  we  should  take  good  care  of 
J-  children  at  all  seasons  of  the  year,  but  it  is  well  enough 
in  winter  to  let  them  slide. 


A  SCIENTIFIC  writer  asks,  "Why  is  there  so  much  more 
-£*•  Indian  summer  in  the  West  than  in  the  East  ?"  Does 
not  the  learned  dunce  know  that  there  are  a  hundred  times 
as  many  Indians  in  the  West  as  in  the  East  ? 


MANY  people  go  through  the  world,  hearing  nothing  and 
seeing  nothing.     For  all  valuable  purposes,  their  ears 
are  as  deaf  as  an  ear  of  corn  and  their  eyes  as  blind  as  the 
eyes  of  a  potato. 


HpHERE  is  nothing  that  we  hate  more  than  hypocritical 
J-  weepers.  We  have  stood  and  looked  at  such  when  we 
half  expected  every  tear,  as  it  touched  the  earth,  to  crawl 
olf,  a  pert  young  crocodile. 


"QLEASE  turn  your  head  a  little,"  said  a  beautiful  nurse 
-t    to  her  male  patient.     "  You  have  turned  it  already 
dear  madam." 


"WHEN  a  man's  heart  ossifies,  or  turns  to  bone,  he  dies  at 
' »     once;  but  if  it  petrifies,  or  turns  to  stone,  he  invaria 
bly  lives  too  long  for  any  useful  purpose. 

"WE  hear  that  the  editor  of  the  "  Enquirer  "  intends  apply- 
> '  ing  to  Mr.  Polk  for  a  high  office.  But  there  is  the 
Senate  in  the  way.  He  should  remember,  that,  if  nomi 
nated  for  office,  he  will,  like  most  of  his  own  stories,  require 
confirmation. 


168  PRENTICEANA. 

WE  earnestly  hope  that  the  human  race  is  not  physically 
degenerating.     And  yet  there  are,  we  apprehend,  very 
few  full-chested  people  now-a-days. 


WHILST  we,    the  American  people,  rely  upon  our  in 
stitutions  to  save  us,  we  should  be  careful  to  remem 
ber  that  they  must  rely  on  us  to  save  them. 


OLD   friends  often  fall  away  from  us   as  we  grow  old. 
Even  our  teeth  and  hair  are  oftentimes  no  better  than 
other  old  friends  in  this  respect. 


THE  "  Philadelphia  Ledger  "  says  that  Clay,  Calhoun,  and 
Webster  are  behind  the  age.    Then  the  age  inustt>e 
tail  foremost. 


A  LITTLE  locofoco  editor  in  Kentucky,  who  came  here 
A  about  the  time  the  people  were  calling  a  convention, 
ascribes  the  calling  of  it  entirely  to  his  own  influence.  Mrs. 
Partington,  being  rather  late  at  church,  entered  as  the  con 
gregation  were  rising  for  prayers.  "La!"  said  she,  "how 
very  polite  you  are  to  rise  on  my  account." 


A  WHITER,  under  the  signature  of  Heroic  Age,  in  the 
"Washington  Union,"  says  he  would  as  soon  steal  a 
sheep  as  hold  office  under  General  Taylor.  We  have  no 
doubt  that  he  would  do  either  if  he  had  a  chance ;  but,  as 
he  has  no  chance  for  an  office,  we  expect  to  hear  of  him  in 
the  mutton  line. 

MR.  F.  has  published  another  "  card."    This,  we  believe, 
is  the  fifth  or  sixth  that  he  has  published  in  the  last 
two  months.     He  can  beat  any  man  in  Congress  at  cards. 


PRENTICE  ANA.  169 

HHHE  "  New  York  Globe  "  says  that  "  Mr.  Benton,  in  the 
J-  hall  of  the  Senate,  rushed  on  Footed  Would  anybody 
expect  the  Missouri  senator,  in  such  a  place,  to  rush  on 
horseback  f 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Mississippian  "  is  advocating  a  plank- 
road,  but  says  that  it  cannot  be  made  without  the  money. 
Undoubtedly  the  money  must  be  "planked"  before  the 
road  is. 

"yESTEEDAY  the  junior  editor  of  the  "Democrat"  called  upon 
JL  the  senior  editor  of  the  "  Journal "  to  welcome  him  back  to 
Kentucky.  The  senior  aforesaid  gave  the  junior  before-mentioned 
a  chair — full-grown,  minus  two  legs — to  sit  in.  To  sit  in !  To 
tumble  out  of!  which  he  did  without  an  effort.  No  bones  broken, 
and  matters  compromised. — Louisville  Democrat. 

Well,  you  and  the  chair  had  four  legs  between  you, 
which  certainly  should  have  been  enough  to  stand  upon. 
If  you  insist  that  we  gave  you  the  fall,  you  must  at  least 
admit,  in  justice  to  our  magnanimity,  that  we  didn't  hit  you 
after  you  were  down. 


I 


>F  Professor  Webster  is  hung,  let  others  take  the  responsibility. 
We  wash  our  hands  of  it. — Globe. 

Those  to  whom  the  responsibility  of  hanging  Webster 
belongs  are  no  doubt  perfectly  willing  to  bear  it,  How 
ever,  your  washing  your  hands  is  an  operation  that  will  do 
you  no  manner  of  harm.  Please  think  of  your  face  at  the 

same  time. 

— •-•-• 

THHE  "  Lexington  Statesman  "  says  that  Mr.  M.,  at  a  late 
J-  political  meeting  in  that  city,  took  a  pitcher  left  on  the 
stand  by  the  Whig  candidate,  smelt  at  it,  and,  finding  it  to 
be  whisky,  made  a  wry  mouth  at  it.  The  "  Statesman " 
doesn't  spell  the  word  "  wry  "  correctly  in  this  case.  Mr. 
M.  makes  a  rye  mouth  whenever  he  gets  within  smell  of 
"  old  rye." 

8 


1TO  PEENTICEANA. 

ALL  our  troubles  are  attributable  to  our  rule  of  telling  the  truth. 
— Madison  Courier. 

Yes,  that's  always  the  case  with  you  Democratic  editors. 
Now  'tis  no  trouble  at  all  for  us  to  tell  the  truth. 


IT  may  be  very  pleasant  to  slip  a  halter  from  a  horse's  neck  and 
to  steal  the  animal,  but  if  by  so  doing  you  slip  your  own  pre 
cious  neck  into  a  halter,  quite  another  feeling  comes  over  you. — 
Louisville  Journal. 

How  d'ye  know  ? — Exchange. 

We  know  it  from  the  fact,  that,  whenever  we  have  put 
our  hand  upon  your  cravat  and  given  it  a  smart  twist,  you 
looked  in  the  face  as  if  a  throttled  man's  sensations  must 
be  awfully  uncomfortable.  Of  course  we  couldn't  know 
anything  from  your  tongue's  hanging  out  of  your  mouth, 
for  that  never  tells  the  truth. 


A  LOUISVILLE  editor  thinks  he  couldn't  get  along 
-£*-  without  us  in  Louisville.  We  are  sure  he  couldn't; 
what  would  those  little  creatures  that  devote  all  their  ener 
gies  to  barking  at  the  moon  do  if  the  moon  were  to  pass  to 

another  sky  ? 

— •-•-• 

JOHN  V.  B.,  in  his  last  letter  upon  the  fugitive  slave  law, 
says — "  If  I  should  be  seized  under  this  law,  I  should 
resist  it  with  all  the  means  I  could  command."  We  hope 
that  any  southerner,  who  may  consider  John  as  his 
property,  will  bear  this  hi  mind  whenever  he  shall  make  an 
effort  to  recover  his  chattel. 


IF  it  were  the  interest  of  "Whiggery,  the  mutuals  would  all  swear 
that  the  man  in  the  moon  was  the  second  Washington,  and  that 
Prentice  was  to  be  his  successor. — Democrat. 

From  the  manner  in  which  the  Democrats  bark  at  us,  we 
suspect  they  take  us  for  the  man  in  the  moon  already. 


PRENTIOEANA.  171 

fTIHE  proprietors  of  the  "Louisville  Journal  "  have  been  so  well, 
JL  and  we  may  say  deservedly,  patronized,  as  to  enable  them  to 
not  only  enlarge  their  sheet,  but  to  furnish  themselves  with  type 
of  unsurpassed  beauty,  and,  withal,  to  bestow  upon  it  such  labor  as 
to  make  it  compare  favorably  in  appearance  with  any  other  paper 
in  the  West  or  in  the  Union ;  while  as  regards  matter  it  is  not  ex 
celled  by  any  paper  East  or  West. — Belleville  (III.}  Republican. 

We  scarcely  know,  dear  sir,  how  to  thank  you  suffi 
ciently.  We  wish  you  were  the  son  of  the  President  of 
the  United  States,  and  we  were  your  father. 


¥E   have  put  a  couple  of  questions  repeatedly  to  our 
neighbor,  and  he  declines  to  respond.     His  readers  are 
beginning  seriously  to  fear  that  he  is  not  responsible. 


THE  editor  of  the gives  a  satisfactory  reason  for 
declining  to  answer  our  questions  as  to  his  opinions  in 
regard  to  secession.  He  says  "  a  fool  can  ask  a  question, 
but  it  takes  a  wise  man  to  answer."  If  fools  could  only 
j-nswer  as  well  as  ask,  he  would  no  doubt  respond  without 
hesitation.  He  says  that  we  ourselves  decline  answering 
the  very  questions  we  have  put  to  him.  Most  certainly 
we  do.  Those  questions  are  in  regard  to  his  belief,  and  we 
do  not  think  that  even  a  wise  man  can  tell  what  a  fool 
believes. 


fllHE  New  York  "Evening  Post  "  says  that  a  man  "  can- 
-1  not  be  active  and  quiescent  at  the  same  time."  There 
may  be  some  doubt  of  that.  Some  fellows  bustle  about 
terribly  and  yet  lie  still. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  North  Carolina  Whig  "  says  that  he 
is  sick  in  bed  and  cannot  write.   We  know  how  to  sym 
pathize  with  him.     Our  neighbor  of is  a  living  evi 
dence  of  the  fact  that  we  cannot  write  lying  doicn. 


172  PKENTICEABTA. 

WILL  the  editor  of  the  "Louisville  Journal "  take  up  oui  glove? 
— Argus. 
Oh  yes.     Give  us  a  pair  of  tongs. 


OUR  neighbor  says  that  he  holds  the  right  of  a  State  to 
secede,  but  "  denies  the  right  of  a  State  to  make  a 
cursed  fool  of  herself."  He  admits  that  South  Carolina,  in 
seceding,  would  be  making  a  cursed  fool  of  herself;  and 
hence  he  appears  to  be  very  inconsistent  in  contending  for 
her  right  to  secede,  and  yet  denying  her  right  to  make  a 
cursed  fool  of  herself.  In  taking  such  a  position,  he  cer 
tainly  seems  to  be  assuming  a  right  for  himself  that  he 
denies  to  /South  Carolina. 


THE  "  Richmond  Enquirer  "  calls  Mr.  Webster  a  candi 
date  for  the  Presidency,  and  says  that  the  most  magnifi 
cent  dinners  were  given  him  wherever  he  went  in  his  late 
tour.  We  apprehend,  that,  if  Gen.  Cass  were  to  make  the 
same  tour,  he  would  be  entertained  far  less  magnificently 
— he  would  be  treated  to  little  else  than  cold  shoulder. 


¥E  understand  the  Hon.  C.  L.  D.  says  we  have  abused 
him.     Well,  haven't  we  as  good  a  right  to  abuse  him, 
as  he  has  to  abuse  the  franking  privilege  ? 


TWO  young  ladies,  living  in  the  lower  part  of  the  city,  appeared 
yesterday  on  the  street  in  Turkish  costume.    The  inspector  was 
very  remiss,  as  unfortunately  one  of  the  wearers  had  a  prodigious 
hole  in  the  heel  of  her  stocking,  which  displayed  a  foot  by  no 
means  a  la  cJiinoise — Democrat. 

A  correspondent  incloses  this  to  us  and  asks  if  we  can 
tell  why  the  lady  in  question  was  like  a  lady  without  any 
stockings  at  all.  We  cannot,  unless  it  is  because,  as  the 
Yankees  say,  she  hadn't  a  darned  stocking  to  her  foot. 


PRENTICEANA.  173 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Northern  Pilot "  undertakes  to  ad 
vise   us  what  to   do  in  case  we  are  ever  indicted  for 
crime.    We  advise  him,  if  he  ever  finds  himself  in  such  a 
predicament,  to  plead  guilty.     He  is  such  a  notorious  liar 
that  the  court  would  be  sure  to  discharge  him  as  not  guilty. 


THE   "  Columbia  (S.    C.)    Telescope,"  a  fierce   disunion 
paper,  seems  getting  a  little  discouraged.     One  of  the 
correspondents  exclaims — "  Where  is  the  fire  that  recently 
burned  throughout  South  Carolina?"        We  really  don't 
know,  but  we  presume  the  fire-eaters  have  eaten  it  up. 


THE  editor  of  "  Journal "  keeps  a  suspicious  eye  upon  all  he  sees 
hewing  wood  or  drawing  water.    It  wakes  up  his  anticipations 
of  his  future  employment.       It  is  thought  he  will  cut  stick  and  run 
on  the  fifth  of  August. — Democrat. 

We  rather  think,  that,  when  you  see  us  cutting  stick, 
you  will  run  yourself. 


ALL  the  wisdom  and  honesty  we  possess  are  required  for  the 
times. —  Washington  Press. 

Is  it  possible,  poor,  dear  sir,  that  all  your  wisdom  and 
honesty  are  required  for  the  times  ?  What  a  tremendous 
demand  for  wisdom  and  honesty  the  times  must  have ! 


rpHE  editor  of  the  "  Boston  Courier  "  says  that  he  saw 
-*•  "  three  Bloomers  "  in  the  streets  of  that  city  last  week. 
We  see  scores  of  bloomers  in  the  streets  of  Louisville  every 
day — girls  in  the  bright  bloom  of  youth  and  beauty. 


OUR  neighbor  charges    us  with   having    an  astonishing 
amount  of  faith.    We  have  not  faith  enough  to  believe 
one  word  he  says. 


174:  PEENTIOEANA. 

A  WRITER  in  the  "  North  Carolina  Sentinel »  expresses 
a  wish   that   the  devil   had  all  the  Disunion  traitors. 
We  can't  see  what  the  devil  is  to  do  with  them.     They  are 
all  such  fire-eaters  that  they  would  eat  him  out  of  house 

and  home. 

— »-«-« — 

THE  Democracy  always  fight  better  under  a  pressure. —  Cincin 
nati  Enquirer. 

When  Milton's  angels,  in  their  fight  with  the  devils, 
piled  hills  and  mountains  on  them,  the  poor  devils  couldn't 
"  fight  under  a  pressure  "  at  ah1. 


JOHN  Robinson,  the  editor  of  a  Locofoco  paper  in  Michi 
gan,  says  that  "  it  is  very  easy  to  tell  who  is  the  most 
knavish  politician  in  the  United  States."     We  admit  that  it 
is  just  as  easy  to  tell,  as  it  is  to  say  "  Jack  Robinson." 


editor  of  the   boasts  that  he  "  fights  ver- 

•!•  min  with  their  own  weapons."  Of  course  he  means, 
that,  when  vermin  bite  him,  he  bites  them.  One  hardly 
know  whether  he  or  his  vermin  have  the  daintiest  eating. 


T 


HE  editor  of  the  " Trader  "  says  that  he  should  be 

J-  very  reluctant  to  exchange  characters  with  any  Whig 
editor.  This  fellow,  that  thus  talks  of  swapping  characters, 
is  as  cool  in  his  impudence  as  the  fellow  who,  while  trudg 
ing  along  on  foot,  hailed  a  gentleman  on  horseback  to  know 
how  he  would  swap  horses.  "  Why,  sir,  you  have  no 
horse,"  said  the  gentleman.  "  But  suppose  I  had  one,  how 
would  yon  swap  ?" 

FT1HE  locofoco  papers  now  call  their  party  "  the  progressive 
-L  Democracy."  It  may  well  be  called  "  progressive,"  for 
it  is  going  fast. 


PKENTICEANA.  175 

A   PARTY  of  our  friends,  last  week,  chased  a  fox  thirty-six 
•t-j-  hours.     They  actually  "  ran  the  thing  into  the  ground." 


T 


!HE  "Pennsylvania  Keystone,"  in  abusing  Mr.  Clay's 
personal  appearance,  says  that  he  has  "a  large  and 
ugly  mouth."  That  is  a  feature  of  Mr.  C.'s  face,  which 
needs  no  defence.  It  speaks  for  itself." 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Madisonian  "  says  that  he  shall  soon 
tell  what  he  knows.     It  will  not  take  him  long. 


THE   New  York   "  Plebeian  "  says  that  the  "Whigs  are 
destined  to  be  devoured  bodily  by  the  Democrats  in  less 
than  six  months.     "Well,  if  such  is  to  be  our  destiny,  we 
must  submit  to  it.    It  is  the  fate  of  all  mortals  to  be  eaten 
by  worms,  sooner  or  later. 


THE  editor  of  the   "  New  Hampshire  Democrat,"  J.  H. 
Role,  asks  whether  "the   silly  "Whigs  will   again  put 
their  big  ball  in  motion."     We  rather  think  the  smart  ones 
will.     The  bawling  of  the  Role  will  not  prevent  the  rolling 
of  the  ball. 


"  Richmond  Enquirer  "  says  that  Mr.  Clay  and  Mr. 
Van  Buren  have  very  unequal  degrees  of  strength. 
No  doubt  of  it.  Mr.  Clay  has  strength  enough  to  beat  his 
enemies,  and  Mr.  Van  Buren  just  enough  to  beat  his 
friends. 


THE  "  Democratic  Crisis,"  a  locofoco  paper  at  Carrollton, 
has  just  died  of  starvation.     We  may  expect  that  a 
great  many  hungry  locofoco  papers,  about  these  days,  for 
the  want  of  something  better  to  bite,  will  "  bite  the  dust." 


176 


PKENTICEANA 


THE  "  Globe  "  thinks  that  it  is  about  time  for  John  Tyler 
-••  to  make  his  "  political  will."  Considering  the  amount 
of  his  political  goods  and  chattels,  we  think  he  might  make 
a  will  like  that  of  Rabelais — "  I  owe  much,  I  possess 
nothing r,  I  give  the  rest  to  the  poor." 


A  PAPER  charges  us  with  running  down  our  own  State, 
good  old  Connecticut.  We  are  not  in  the  habit  of 
running  down  Connecticut,  and  we  never  did  run  down  any 
portion  of  her  except  her  hills.  We  think  we  did  use  to 
run  down  some  of  them  in  our  boyhood,  and  we  feel  as  if 
we  should  like  to  do  it  again. 


MR.  BAGG,  of  the  "  Free  Press,  took  strong  ground  at 
first  in  favor  of  the  Texas  treaty.     This   Bagg,  like 
many  other  bags,  is  getting  mealy  mouthed. 


IN  Philadelphia,  on  the  night  of  the  27th,  a  fellow  named 
Suttle,  passing  along  the  street,  tried  to  get  a  watch 
from  a  jeweler's  window.     The  watch  got  him. 


TTTilY  is  Gen.  Taylor  like  fortune?—^  Y.  Globe. 

We  can  tell  you  why  Cass's  face  is  like  misfortune.   It 
"  never  comes  single." 


HHHE  editor  of  the  "  Statesman  "  says  that  we  charge  him 
-L  with  habitual  falsehood,  but  do  not  furnish  the  proof. 
That's  all  right.  We  make  the  charge  and  he  furnishes  the 
proof  himself. 

THE  locofoco  papers  used  to  call   Mr.  Van  Buren   the 
"  sage   of    Lindenwald."     They  are  now  beginning  to 
think  that  their  sage  is  nothing  but  wormwood. 


PKENTICEANA.  177 

see  that  a  couple  of  fools  in  Virginia  are  talking 
"  about  a  duel  on  horseback."  If  they  must  fight,  they 
should  be  compelled  to  fight  on  foot.  They  have  no  right 
to  endanger  the  lives  of  their  betters. 


UK  political  friends  are  getting  on  swimmingly. — Pennsylvan- 


0UBl 

\J  lan. 


No  doubt  they  will  get  on  "  swimmingly  "  after  the  7th 
of  November,  for  they  will  all  be  overboard. 


A  CORRESPONDENT  of  the  "  North  American,"  says 
that  old  Mr.  R.,  in  his  own  opinion,  "  sustains  the  world 
upon  his  head."     We  have   often  heard   that  the  world 
stands  upon  nothing. 


I 


T  is  true  that  the  Democrats  go  for  more  land. — Penmylvanian. 


The  Democrats  must  be  very  much  distressed  to  find, 
that,  whilst  going  for  more  land,  they  are  losing  ground 
every  day. 

THE  "  Boston  Post "  thinks  that  Gen.  Taylor  has  been 
"  swamped  in  Georgia."  He  was  "  swamped"  in  Florida 
month  after  month  in  the  Seminole  war,  but  he  fought  as 
well  in  the  swamps  of  the  South  as  in  the  mountain  gorges 
of  Mexico. 


FTUVENTY-SIX  young  ladies,  who  are  on  their  way  to  the  West, 
.JL  accompanied  by  Gov.  Slade,  of  Vermont,  to  engage  in  teaching, 
arrived  in  Rochester  on  Monday  of  last  week. — Baltimore  Clipper. 
Generally  speaking,  the  pretty  Yankee  girls,  who  come 
out  to  the  West  to  engage  in  public  teaching,  do  very  little 
in  that  way.  Instead  of  teaching  other  people's  children, 
they  soon  get  to  teaching  their  own. 

8* 


ITS  PRENTICEAEA. 

THE  "  Boston  Post "  says  that  "  Pennsylvania  appears  to 
be  a  bad  bank  bill."     At  any  rate  it  has  been  redeemed. 


THE  "Washington  Union"  boasts  that  "the  money 
expended  in  the  Mexican  war  is  not  lost."  Oh,  no,  not 
lost  at  all.  A  worthy  gentleman,  whilst  having  a  house 
built,  observed  large  quantities  of  nails  lying  about,  and 
said  to  the  carpenter,  "  why  don't  you  take  care  of  these 
nails  ?  they'll  certainly  be  lost."  "  No,  indeed,"  replied  the 
carpenter,  "  you'll  find  them  all  in  the  biU." 


¥E  see  it   announced  that  Henry  Stone,  an   influential 
Democrat  of  Berks   County,   Pa.,  has  turned  Whig. 
The  Whigs  must  manage  to  turn  the  rest  of  the  family.   No 
Stone  must  be  left  unturned. 


rnriE   country  is  filled  with  thousands  of  leg  treasurers  whose 
_I_   breeches  pockets  are  loaded  with  the  spoils. — Buffalo  Journal. 

The  leg-treasurers  are  like  guns — when  their  breeches  are 
loaded  they  generally  go  off. 


THE  "  Washington  Union  "  speaks  of  "  the  great  differ- 
'  ence  between  Gov.  Manly  of  North  Carolina  and  the 
Governor  of  South  Carolina."     The   great  difference  be 
tween  the  two  is  that  one  is  manly  and  the  other  isn't. 


T 


I  HE  editor  of  the  "  Republican  "  thinks  that  there  will  be 
a  very  poor  set  of  office-holders  under  the  new  adminis 
tration.  In  that  event,  there  may  be  a  very  tolerable  chance 
for  him.  We  suppose  he  remembers  the  letter  written  by 
a  young  fellow  in  the  West  to  his  father  at  the  East :  "  Dear 
Dad,  almighty  mean  men  get  office  here ;  you  had  better 
come  out  immediately**1 


PRENTICEANA.  179 

IT1HE  editor  of  the  "Washington  Union"  assures  the  Whigs  that 
A  they  need  not  be  afraid  of  him  and  his  paper. — Baltimore  Clip 
per. 

Whilst  an  old  woman  was  walking  through  one  of  the 
streets  of  Paris  at  midnight,  a  patrol  called  out,  "  who  goes 
there."  "  It  is  I,  patrol,  don't  be  afraid." 


TT7"E  venture  to  say  you  would  never  consider  President  Taylor's 
VV    pledges  violated  if  he  turned  out  fifty  Democrats  per  day  for 
their  political  opinions  and  nothing  else. — Sentinel. 

There's  nothing  on  earth  except  the  truth  that  you  would 
not   "  venture  to  say." 


DULL  writers  should  be  careful  not  to  steal  brilliant  pas 
sages,  lest  the  brilliancy  betray  them  by  the  contrast. 
A  fellow  stole  a  fish  in  the  market-place  and  slipped  it 
under  his  vest.  A  gentleman,  meeting  him,  as  he  passed 
out,  and  seeing  several  inches  of  the  tail  below  his  vest,  ad 
vised  him  either  to  wear  a  longer  jacket  or  to  steal  a 
shorter  fish. 


A  DANDY  with  a  huge  beard  offered  himself  to  a  young 
lady,  who  refused  him,  on  the  ground  that  she  would 
never  marry  such  a  #ear-faced  creature.  The  dandy  at 
once  had  his  physiognomy  clean  shaved,  and  renewed  his 
application ;  but  the  girl  again  refused  him,  on  the  ground 
v.hat  he  was  now  more  #are-faced  than  before. 


A  WRITER  in  a  Missouri  paper  under  the  signature 
.el.  « Y.  Y.,"  recommends  a  government  tax  on  the 
"  Louisville  Journal."  The  two  Y  Y's,  who  isn't  too  wise 
( although  his  proposition  would  undoubtedly  raise  a  large 
revenue),  doesn't  say  whether  he  would  have  the  paper 
taxed  as  a  luxury  or  as  a  necessity — perhaps  both. 


180  PKENTICEANA. 

"  A  RUFFIAN  shot  at  me  last  night,"  said  a  penurious 
-Li  gentleman,  "  and  my  life  was  saved  by  the  ball  strik 
ing  a  silver  dollar  in  my  pocket."  "  Whoever  takes  true 
aim  at  your  heart  is  very  certain  to  hit  a  dollar,"  said  one 
who  knew  him. 


^  TfOW  do  you  like  my  new  turn-out  ?"  said  an  ex-office 
J-l  holder,  calling  attention  to  his  fine  equipage.     "  Bet 
ter  no  doubt  than  you  liked  the  one  the  government  lately 
gave  you,"  replied  an  acquaintance. 


IK  the  swamps  of  Louisiana,  a  few  days  ago,  a  catamount 
leaped  from  a  tree  and  attacked  Mr.  William  Kenny. 
The  animal  didn't  prove  a  Kill-kenny  cat. 


ALL  the  cases  that  come  before  a  certain   New  York 
judge  are  actually  decided  by  lot ;  he  is  an  able  and 
impartial  jud^e  and  his  name — is  Lott. 


]  F  women  were  jurors,  as  some  of  them  claim  that  they 
*  ought  to  be,  what  chance  would  you  ugly  old  fellows 
stand  when  indicted  ? 


think  that  our  neighbor  gives  strong  indications  of 
deserting  the  filibuster  cause.  He  doesn't  stick  to  any 
thing.  He  is  like  the  new  post-office  stamps — even  licking 
him  will  not  make  him  stick. 


OUR  neighbor  suggests  that  we  have  never  noticed  his 
evening  paper.     We  feel  deeply  penitent  for  our  neg 
lect.     His  little  sheet  appears  to  be  very  deserving.     It 
looks   exactly   like   himself,  bating    his   ugliness;   but  an 
Irishman  would  say  that  his  ugliness  is  hard  to  bate. 


PEENTICEANA.  181 

¥E  have  generally  observed  that  a  man  bitten  by  a  dog, 
no  matter  whether  the  animal  is  mad  or  not,  is  apt  to 
get  mad  himself. 

TT7"E  see  that  our  Democratic  friend  Taylor,  who  is  some- 
"  times  an  actor  and  sometimes  an  editor,  appeared  some 
time  ago  upon  the  Cincinnati  boards  in  the  character  of 
Tecumseh  in  the  drama  of  that  name,  and  it  is  said  he  set 
tled  clearly  and  forever  in  favor  of  himself  the  old  and  oft- 
heard  question,  "  Who  killed  Tecumseh  fn 


THE  "  North  American  "  says  that  "  it  does  not  lie  in  the 
mouths  of  locofoco  demagogues  to  talk  about  Whig 
extravagance."    We  believe  that  everything  lies  in  the 
mouths  of  locofoco  demagogues. 


IF  the  editor  of  the isn't  a  rogue,  he  ought  cer 
tainly  to  bring  an  action  for  slander  against  his  own 
face. 


A  LTHOUGH  God  deprived  Adam  of  one  of  his  ribs  to 
-£*-  make  Eve,  every  man  has  still  one  more  rib  than  his 
wife,  for  he  has  Tier  in  addition  to  his  others. 


IT  is  a  suspicious  circumstance,  that,  if  a  lady  has  a  long 
nose,  it  is  almost  invariably  crooked.     It  has  to  be  bent 
slightly  aside  to  admit  of  her  being  kissed ;  and  so  it  grows 
awry. 


fTlHERE  are  many  who  say  more  than  the  truth  on  some 
-L  occasions,  and  balance  the  account  with  their  con 
sciences  by  saying  less  on  others. 


182  PEENTICEANA. 


A 
1 


STRAP  is  sometimes  a  very  good  thing  to    sharpen 
razors  and  dull  boys. 


ITCH  smoking  kills  live  men  and  cures  dead  swine. 


^1  EX.  SCOTT  whipped  Santa  Anna  when  he  had  but  one  leg. 
VT  Gen.  Houston  whipped  him  when  he  had  two  legs. — Gin. 
Enquirer. 

Exactly  so,  Gen.  Scott  whipped  him  when  it  was  only 
half  as  easy  for  the  rascal  to  run  away  as  it  was  when 
Houston  whipped  him. 


fTIHREE  years  ago  a  man  in  Mississippi  cheated  us  out  of 
J-  twenty  dollars,  and  now  his  son  has  cheated  us  out  of 
about  the  same  sum.  The  young  man's  propensity  to  cheat 
is  probably  the  only  thing  he  ever  came  honestly  by. 


¥  HEIST  any  one  wants  a  really  silly  thing  to  he  said,  he  should 
apply  hereafter  to  the  "  New  York  Courier  and  Enquirer." — 
Washington  Union. 

When  you  want  a  really  silly  thing  said,  you  can  do  the 
work  yourself.     You  can't  do  anything  else. 


THE  editor  of  the  opposition  organ  at  Washington  seems 
to  have  adopted  Mr.   as  his  pet.     It  is  well 

enough,  we  suppose,  that  every  organ-grinder  should  have 
his  pet-monkey. 

THE  "  New  York  Sun  "  announces  that  "  all  the  vessels  of  the 
Cuban  expedition  have  sailed,  and  without  doubt  are  at  this 
moment  hovering  on  the  coast  of  Cuba." — Tribune. 

They  had  better  be  satisfied  with  "  hovering."    They  will 
find  it  a  great  deal  less  perilous  than  alighting. 


PEENTICEANA.  183 

npHE  editor  of  the  "  Windsor  Journal " — an  obstinate  sort  of  a 
JL  bachelor — learns  that  professors  of  dancing  in  New  York  have 
recently  introduced  a  new  style  of  cotillon  called  the  "  Kiss  Cotil 
lon,"  the  peculiar  beauty  of  which  is  that  you  kiss  the  lady  as  you 
swing  the  corners. — Commonwealth. 

We  have  been  expecting  this  or  something  like  it  for 
some  time  past.  The  great  wonder  now  is  (a  wonder  not 
unmixed  with  apprehension)  what  next  f 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Democrat  "  boasts  of  having  received 
a  sack-coat  as  a  present.    We  suppose  the  donor  thought 
the  fellow  had  done  what  he  should  repent  of  in  sackcloth. 


E  news  from  almost  every  part  of  Mississippi  is  good. 
Her  governor's  treasonable  proclamation  finds  no  sym 
pathetic  response  in  the  hearts  of  the  masses.  Mississippi, 
it  is  true,  repudiated  the  bonds  of  the  Union  Bank,  but  she 
will  not  repudiate  the  bonds  of  the  Union  itself. 


OME  of  the  locofocos  of  New  York  have  been  boasting 
that  Gen.  Wool  would  be  their  candidate  for  Governor. 
Gen.  Wool,  however,  tells  them  that  he  will  not  be  a  candi 
date  under  any  circumstances.  So  this  is  a  case  of  "  great 
cry  and  no  Wool." 

THE  editor  of  a  locofoco  paper,  speaking  of  Gen.  Taylor's 
horse,  old  Whitey,  says  :  "  Alas,  poor  beast !"     If  old 
Whitey  had  the  gift  of  speech,  he  might  with  propriety 
retort  with  the  same  words. 


TPON"  a  door  in  one  of  the  departments  at  Washington  is 
*J  written,  "no  office-seekers  admitted  here."  A  man 
might  as  well  put  a  notice  over  his  bed  in  mosquito  time, 
"  Stick  no  bills  here." 


184  PKENTICEANA. 

.  1VTOTWITHSTANDING  Gen.  P.'s  radicalism  in  politics, 
-L*  we  must  do  him  the  justice  to  say,  that  a  more  orderly, 
peaceable  citizen  cannot  be  found  in  times  of  war. 


w 

blow  is  sure  to  go  against  his  stomach. 


TTIT  a  man  upon  whatever  part  of  his  body  you  will,  the 


TLL-N  ATTIRED  old  maids  seldom  or  never  use  sugar  at 
J-  the  tea-table.  The  reason  probably  is  that  scandal  is  a 
sufficient  sweetener  of  the  dish. 


TT  is  said  that  a  Chinaman,  no  matter  where  he  finds  him- 
-1  self,  is  never  perplexed.     He  always  has  his  cue. 


TT7~E  don't  know  exactly  what  "  the  height  of  ambition  "  is, 
' '     but  we  have  seen  many  fussy  little  specimens  of  it  not 
much  more  than  five  feet. 


r  IT  ANY  a  man,  worth  a  million  of  dollars,  is  utterly  worth- 

ill    lass. 


A  HANDSOME  young  fellow  in  New  York,  in  great  dis 
tress  for  want  of  money,  married  last  week  a  rich  old 
woman  of  seventy.     He  was  no  doubt  miserable  for  the 
want  of  money,  and  she  for  the  want  of  a  husband ;  and 
"  misery  makes  strange  bedfellows." 


A  MERCHANT  of  New  York,  largely  in  the  shoe  trade, 
estimates  the  value  of  shoes  annually  sent  to  the  South 
from  New  York  alone  at  $5,000,000.     If  the  nonintercourse 
system  be  adopted,  this  trade  will  be  cut  off,  and  the  people 
of  the  South  will  have  to  go  upon  their  own  footing. 


PKENTICEANA.  185 

THE  spirits  of  some  men  seem  proof  against  bad  fortune. 
If  they  are  afflicted  with  jaundice  so  badly  that  every 
thing  looks  yellow  to  them,  they  are  happy  in  having  always 
before  them  a  golden  prospect. 


nPHE  Democrats  of  Clarion  county,  Pennsylvania,  were  thrashing 
J_  buckwheat  on  the  day  of  the  election  instead  of  voting,  as  they 
should  have  done. — Louisville  Democrat. 

Smart  fellows  to  be  thrashing  wheat  whilst  the  "Whigs 
were  thrashing  them. 

THE  "  Boston  Post  "  calls  the  editor  of  the  "  Washington 
Union  "  a  "  Dem-editor."     Unquestionably  he  is  a  dem 
poor  editor. 

VFEW  days  ago,  the  operators  in  a  western  foundry,  not 
being   able   to   obtain  an    increase    of   compensation, 
knocked  their  employer  down.     That  was  an  unequivocal 
"  strike  for  higher  wages." 


A  GREAT  many  persons  keep  their  delicate  hands  covered 
with  the  skins  of  young  goats.     Moreover,  a  great 
many  have  their  whole  bodies  covered  with  the  skins  of 
goats  of  just  their  own  age. 


M  TvON'T  you  think,"  said  a  vain  fellow,  "that  I  am  fit 
-L'  to  be  President  of  the  United  States  or  King  of 
Great  Britain  ?"     "  No,  but  you  might  make  a  Doge  of 
Venice  if  the  title  were  only  curtailed  by  a  letter." 


A   CARPENTER  struck  his  creditor  with  the  handle  of 
his  broad  axe  for  civilly  requesting  the  payment  of  an 
old  debt.     "  Sir,"  said  the  creditor,  "  your  acts  are  as  nar 
row  as  your  axe  is  broad." 


186  PKENTIOEANA. 

AN  editor  in  a  neighboring  city  is  charged  with  grossly 
misrepresenting  the  condition  of  its  streets.    One  would 
think  that  an  editor  had  better  do  almost  anything  else 
than  lie  about  the  streets. 


PALEY  says,  "  it  is  the  aim  that  makes  the  man."    If  a 
ruffian  gets  a  good  aim  at  him  with  a  pistol,  it  is  the  aim 
that  unmakes  him. 


"AR 

A  i 


RE  you  still  boarding,  my  friend  ?"     "  No,  I'm  keep 
ing  house,  I'm.  above  board." 


A  MISSISSIPPI  paper  says  that  Louisiana  has  a  perfect 
right  to  secede  from  the  Union  and  establish  an  inde 
pendent  government,  but  that  she  would  have  no  right  to 
shut  up  the  mouth  of  the  Mississippi.  Now  if  Louisiana 
were  an  independent  power,  the  mouth  of  the  Mississippi 
would  belong  to  her ;  and  wouldn't  she  have  a  right  to  shut 
her  own  mouth  f 


THE  fire-eater  of  the  Washington  "  Southern  Press  "  says 
that  we  seem  to  measure  our  respect  for  him  by  the 
number  of  those  who  agree  with  him.  We  believe  that 
nobody  agrees  with  him,  and  we  doubt  if  he  ever  agreed  with 
anybody.  If  a  cannibal  or  an  anaconda  were  to  swallow 
him,  we  doubt  if  he  would  agree  with  the  man  or  the 
snake. 


THE  "  Albany  Atlas  "  is  terribly  indignant  because  some 
body  has  said  that  Pierce  was  once  "  a  wild  colt."     Wo 
suppose  Frank  never  was  a  colt,  though  we  have  certainly 
heard  of  his  descent  from  a  horse.* 

*  Referring  to  General  Pierce's  falling  from  a  horse  during  the  Mexi 
can  War. 


PEENTIOEANA.  187 

HAD  the  Whigs  established  the  two-thirds  rule  they  never  would 
have  made  a  nomination  at  all. —  Ohio  /Statesman. 
Perhaps  so.     The  Democrats  established  the  two-thirds 
rule,  and  made  next  to  no  nomination  at  all. 


rjTHE  Democratic  papers  boast,  that,  when  Mr.  Polk 
J-  signed  General  Pierce's  commission  as  an  officer  in  the 
army,  he  said :  "  I  am  now  commissioning  a  man  who  will 
le  President  one  day."  Well,  if  there  were  any  way  of 
making  a  compromise  with  our  Democratic  friends,  we  don't 
know  but  we  would  consent  to  General  Frank's  being  Presi 
dent  "  one  day,"  upon  the  condition  of  General  Scott's  being 
allowed  to  fill  the  chair  for  the  rest  of  the  four  years.  Such 
a  partition  would  be  about  in  proportion  to  the  comparative 
merits  of  the  two  candidates. 


HpHE  editor  of  the  "  Democrat "  says  that  our  chief  employ- 
J-  ment  is  "to  ridicule  the  sufferings  of  General  Pierce 
upon  the  battle-field."  Well,  neighbor,  we  suppose  we 
ought  not  to  do  it.  Some  men  do  suffer  dreadfully  upon 
battle-fields,  and  they  can't  be  punished  for  it  under  our 
laws,  as  it  is  strictly  constitutional. 


A  WRITER  in  the  ISTew  York  "Express"  thinks  that 
"  John  Bull  will  bleed  freely  to  defeat  Scott  and  elect 
Pierce."     John  bled  very  freely  in  the  war  of  1812  to  defeat 
Scott,  but  couldn't  do  it.     His  blood  ran  freely,  and  then 
he  ran  himself. 


BUTLER,  in  his  history  of  Kentucky,  speaking  of  the 
Indian  mode  of  warfare,  says  "  they  often  make  feints 
to  draw  out  the  garrison."     Perhaps  the  Democratic  candi 
date  for  the  Presidency  wished  to  introduce  this  Indian 
practice  into  Mexico. 


188  PEENTICEANA. 

1VTEARLY  the  whole  population  of  the  country  seem  now 
-i- '  to  be  upon  the  Whig  platform.  The  Whigs  are  stand 
ing  on  it,  and  the  Democrats  are  lying  on  it. 


SOME  old  Irishwoman  abuses  us  in  one  of  the  city  papers 
under  the  signature  of  "Anti  Humbug."     She  is  not 
good  at  spelling.     She  should  have  written  her  name  Aunty 
Humbug.     But  we  have  no  time  to  bestow  upon  old  Aunty. 


A  YOUNG  lady  sends  us  some  verses,  and  says  she  knows 
A  the  metre  is  correct,  as  she  has  "  counted  the  feet  in 
every  line."  But  a  genuine  poetess  need  never  count-her- 
feet.  _^^ 

A  WRITER  on  ornithology  inquires  what  kind  of  eagles 
fly  highest.      We   don't   know;    but    unquestionably 
golden  eagles  generally  fly  fastest. 


"TJAVEN'T  you  finished  scaling  that  fish  yet,  Sam?" 
-fl  "  No,  master,  'tis  a  very  large  one."    "  Oh,  well,  you 
have  had  time  to  scale  a  mountain." 


THE  rhyming  of  silly  boys  and  girls,  and  the  whistling  of 
A  the  wind  through  a  hollow  tree,  are  equally  signal  in 
stances  of  "  music  caused  by  emptiness." 


OOME  men  give  as  little  light  in  the  world  as  a  tallow 
0  farthing  candle,  and,  when  they  expire,  leave  as  bad  an 

odor  behind  them. 

++* 

.  T.,  of  Georgia,  says  that  he  doesn't  carry  his  prin- 
ciples  in  his  pocket.      Perhaps  he  is  afraid   of  pick 
pockets,  and  so  carries  them  in  a  belt  round  his  waist. 


PEENTICEANA.  189 

A  MAD  bull  broke  loose  last  week  in  the  streets  of  Cin 
cinnati,  and  rushed  furiously  through  a  crowd  of  men 
and  boys.     It  was  an  instance  of  the  knocking  down  of  a 
score  of  persons  by  a  butt-rush. 


TPHE  editor  of  the says  that  we  try  hard  to  tell  the 

J-  truth  and  fail.    He  never  comes  so  near  telling  the  truth 
as  to  let  folks  know  he  is  trying. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Washington  Union  "  calls  the  battle 
of  Churubusco  "  a  sharp  conflict."     We  suspect  it  must 
have  been  a  little  sharp,  from  the  fact  that  Pierce  fainted 
just  as  he  got  to  the  edge  of  it. 


"  Cincinnati  Enquirer "  calls  the  Whigs  "  the  foul 
party."  We  think  it  must  be  the  fowl  party  that  elects 
Mr.  Henn  to  Congress  in  Iowa,  and  adopts  a  rooster  as  its 
emblem. 

IF  Gen.  Pierce  was  in  the  battle  of  Churubusco,  he  was 
ashamed  of  the  fact  and  tried  to  conceal  it  when  he  gave 
his  account  of  the  aSair.     A  general  had  certainly  better 
have  been  out  of  a  fight  than  be  ashamed  of  having  been  in 

it. 


ALOCOFOCO   clergyman  in  New  Hampshire  testified 
that  Frank  Pierce  is  pious,  but  Frank's  own  organs  in 
that   State   seem  to  admit  that  he  isn't.      The  Scriptures 
command  men  to  "  pray  and  not  to  faint,"  but  Frank  faints 
and  doesn't  pray. 


"  New  Hampshire  Patriot  "  says  that  Gen.  Pierce 
J-  "  is  bold,  frank,  and  manly."  We  don't  think  that  he  is 
either  bold  or  manly,  but  we  admit  he  is  Frank. 


190  PEENTIOEANA. 

IT  (the  "  Louisville  Journal  ")  seems  to  have  forgotten  that  Scott 
is  afraid  to  speak. —  Yeoman. 

Gen.  Scott  afraid  to  speak!    Why,  bless  your  simple 
soul,  he  isn't  afraid  iQ  fight. 


"TTTE  feel  that  we  can  now  go  forward  to  our  destination  with 
V V    nothing  to  ohstruct  our  progress. —  Washington  Union. 

We  suppose  you  can.     The  New  York  papers  say  that 
"  the  obstructions  at  Hell-Gate  have  been  all  removed." 


THE  Whig  party  and  Gen.  Scott  have  heen  already  compelled  to 
face  the  music. — AlleghanyEecord. 

Gen.  Scott  has  faced  all  sorts  of  music.  He  has  faced  the 
martial  music  of  his  country's  enemies,  the  shrill  tones  of 
the  fife,  the  deep  roll  of  the  drum,  the  loud  blast  of  the 
trumpet,  the  thunder  of  the  artillery,  the  fierce  shout  of  the 
onset,  and  the  sharp,  quick  clash  of  steel. 


milE  editor  of  the  "  Kosciusko  Sun  »  says  that  he  "  first 
-A-  sent  out  his  little  bark  three  years  ago."  These  small 
canine  editors  are  sending  out  their  little  bark  every  day  of 
their  lives. 


SENATOR  B.  made  a  speech  at  Yazoo  City  on  the  26th 
£5  ult.  The  "Yazoo  City  Whig,"  edited  by  a  spirited 
Whig  lady,  reviews  his  speech  and  his  political  course  with 
great  severity.  We  think  poor  B.  may  exclaim  with  Abi- 
melech  in  the  Scriptures — "  It  will  be  said  of  me  by  all  peo 
ple,  that  a  woman  slew  me.-" 


SOME  time  ago,  Mr.  Hawthorne  wrote  a  story  entitled 
"The  Miraculous  Pitcher."     His  life  of  Pierce  should 
have  been  entitled  The  Miraculous  lumbler. 


PKENTICEANA.  191 

A  CHAP  who  tells  falsehoods  so  habitually  as  never  to  be 
-ft-  able  to  deceive  anybody,  may  think  he  has  some  excuse 
for  the  habit.  "  My  boy,"  exclaimed  a  deacon,  "  you  do 
very  wrong  to  fish  on  Sunday."  "  It  can't  be  no  harm, 
deacon,  I  ain't  catching  nothing." 


AN  American  writer,  who  has  made  quite  a  number  of 
respectable  translations,  asks  "  what  translation  is  the 
best  that  was  ever  made  ?"    We  think  upon  the  whole  that 
we  should  rather  give  the  preference  to  that  of  Enoch. 


ANEW  paper  called  the  "  Bowie  Knife  "  has  been  estab 
lished  in  Texas.     We  know  nothing  as  to  the  extend  of 
its  circulation,  but  we  suppose  the  editor  can  boast  with 
truth  that  nearly  every  man  in  his  State  carries  a  Bowie 
Knife  in  his  pocket. 

"    A  RE  you  near-sighted,  miss?"     "  Yes,  at  this  distance 
•£*-  I  can  hardly  tell  whether  you  are  a  pig  or  a  puppy." 


6t  T\O   you  think  me  guilty  of  a  falsehood  ?  asked  Mr. 
-L'    Knott  of  a  gentleman  he  was  addressing.     "  Sir,  I 
must  render  a  verdict  of  Knott  guilty." 


MEN  generally  think  it  a  great  misfortune  when   their 
heads  grow  silvery,  and  their  pockets  not. 


fTTHE  late  comet  was  a  good  deal  like  the  productions  of 
•*•  some  of  our  voluminous  story-writers  —  a  long  tail  from. 
a  small  head. 


very  singular,  sir,"  said  a  young  lady  when  we 
kissed  her.     "  Ah,  well,  we'll  soon  make  it  plural." 


192  PBENTICEANA. 

"JYTEVER  look  to  an  exclusively  political  paper  for  good 
-L  *  reading  for  your  family.  You  might  as  well  try  to  get 
wool  by  shearing  a  hydraulic  ram. 


OUR  sprightly  friend,  Fanny  Fern,  says  that  the  men  of 
the  present  day  are  fast.     We  are  afraid  they  must  be 
so  to  catch  the  women. 


THE  President's  appointment  of  the  notorious  D.  as  the 
chaplain  of  a  penitentiary  is  spoken  of  with  the  contempt 
it  deserves.     In  a  penitentiary  where  D.  is  the  parson,  one 
of  the  cells  should  be  the  parsonage. 


WHAT  would  you  say  if  you  were  to  see  a  drunken  man  lying 
in  the  open  street  exposed  to  the  peltings  of  a  violent  storm. — 
Temperance  Journal. 
We  should  say  the  poor  devil  was  under  the  weather. 


THE  "  Richmond  Whig "  says  that  the  locofoco  editors 
"  do  not  dare  to  say  their  souls  are  their  own."     This  is 
only  alleging  against  them  that  they  do  not  dare  to  tell  a 
lie. 


A  MUSICIAN"  by  trade  does  not  subsist  quite  so  simply 
as  a  chamelion.     The  latter  lives  upon  air,  the  former 
upon  airs.   And,  by  the  way,  a  musician  should  enjoy  good 
health,  for  he  has  a  change  of  air  whenever  he  wants  it. 


¥HEN  a  malignant  man  strikes  at  the  great  benefactors 
of  his  race,  he  deserves,  like  the  Indian  who  madly 
fired  his  arrow  at  the  sun,  to  be  smitten  with  the  curse  of 
blindness. 


PRENTIOEANA.  193 

QURELY  it  is  a  blessed  privilege  to  be  kissed  by  the 
*J  breeze,  that  has  kissed  all  the  pretty  women  in  the 
world.  

A  DEPRAVED  public  man  does  well  to  go  upon  the 
-£*-  stage.  He  had  better  exhibit  other  characters  than  his 
own. 


A 

¥ 


MAN'S  boots  and  shoes  get  tight  by  imbibing  water, 
but  he  doesn't. 


•ALK  fast  till  you  get  upon  the  right  ground,  and  then 
stand  fast. 


rilHE  "  Democrat "  says  that  the  slanders  upon  its  candi- 
J-  date  "  must  almost  give  him  a  poor  opinion  of  his  race." 
We  guess  that  after  the  election,  he  will  have  "  a  poor 
opinion  of  his  race." 

A  SCURRILLOUS  locofoco  editor  in  Arkansas  says, 
•£*•  that,  although  opposed  to  internal  improvements,  he  is 
in  favor  of  improving  the  mouth  of  the  Mississippi.  We 
wish  he  were  in  favor  of  improving  his  own. 


¥E  are  not  surprised  that  the  editors  of  the  two  Demo 
cratic  papers,  tried  to  get  up  a  presentation  of  a  mug 
to  Mr.  W.      Each  of  the  two  is  in  the  habit  of  presenting 
an  "  ugly  mug  "  to  everybody  he  meets. 


ONE  of  the  Hardin  county  jury,  it  is  reported,  has  been  bitten  by 
a  snake,  since  the  late  verdict.     The  snake  died. — Democrat. 
The  editor  of  the  "  Democrat  "  has  been  biting  the  Har 
din  jury  every  day  for  the  last  three  weeks  and  is  alive  yet. 
He  must  be  harder  to  poison  than  a  snake. 

9 


PKENTICEANA. 

THE  editor  of  the boasts,  that,  though  residing  in 
Ohio,  he  has  been  more  familiar  with  Kentucky  than  we 
have.  In  time  past,  the  border  chiefs  of  Scotland,  boasted 
of  their  familiarity  with  England,  and  of  the  black  mail 
they  levied  there.  It  is  believed  that  those  citizens  of  Ohio 
who  have  been  most  familiar  with  Kentucky  might  also 
boast  of  the  black  males  levied  there. 


THE  editor  of  the advises  all  his  friends  to  go  armed 
to  the  teeth.     We  suppose  he  himself  is  as  full  of  dirks 
as  a  hog's  neck  is  of  bristles.     But  there  is  no  danger  in 
him — he  sticks  at  nothing. 


OUR  neighbor  calls  our  article  of  last  Friday  "  a  fizzle." 
His    best   friends  are  of   opinion    that    such    another 
"  fizzle  "  on  our  part  will  cause  a  "  mizzle  "  on  his. 


¥ 


E  never  belonged  to  a  mutual  admiration  society.—  Courier. 


Of  course  not.     You  never  admired  anybody  but  your- 
Belf. 

"TT7E  should  suppose  that  whenever  the  editor  of  the 

» »  passes  a  Kentucky  forest  or  wood,  or  grove  or  tree, 
every  limb  and  twig  would  make  a  motion  toward  him  as 
if  to  come  in  contact  with  his  shoulders. 


THE  editor  of  the recently  fancied  himself"  a  live 
ox ;"  but,  since  our  rough  handling  of  him,  he  is  begin 
ning  to  conclude  that  he  is  only  jerked  beef. 


fjTHE  editor  of  the  "  Herald  "  says  that  he  declines  a  con- 
-L  troversy  with  us.  He  is  a  great  deal  smarter  in  de 
clining  it,  than  he  was  in  seeking  it. 


PRENTICEANA.  195 

T)IATO  defined  a  man  as  "  a  two-legged  animal  without 

J-    feathers."     If  the   editor  of  the  were   to   be 

treated  as  other  underground  railroad  men  have  been,  he 
would  soon  be  unmanned — he  would  find  himself  a  two- 
legged  animal  with  feathers. 


[N  marriages  between  whites  and  blacks,  we  are  by  no 
means  certain  that  the  blacks  get  the  best  of  it.     Those 
who  think  black  folks  as  good  as  themselves  are  not  mis 
taken. 


WE  see  there  is  a  proposition  for  the  erection  of  a  brass 
statue  of  Col.  B.  of  Washington.     Need  the  whole 
ttatue  be  brazen  ?    Wouldn't  the  face  be  enough  ? 


T  ITTLE  do  we  know  of  the  transformations  that  all  ob- 
J-J  jects  undergo  in  the  process  of  nature.  We  never  see 
a  tear  upon  the  cheek  of  a  coquette  without  fancying  that 
it  may  previously  have  fallen  from  the  eyes  of  dozens  of 
crocodiles. 


SOME  malignant  old  men  seem  to  grow  humane  as  they 
grow   childish.     The  softening  of  the  brain  is   accom 
panied  by  a  softening  of  the  heart. 


F  a  man,  as  the  Scriptures  say,  "  cannot  live  by  bread 
alone,"  is  it  not  wise  in  him  to  take  a  help-meat. 


N  seasons  of  war  and  pestilence,  Death  seems  to  exchange 
his  scythe  for  a  patent-mower. 


A 


GOOD  citizen  is  a  peace-maker.      A  bull   in  a  china- 
shop  is  a  piece-maker  too. 


196  PRENTICEANA.. 

THE  editor  of  the  "  New  Hampshire  Patriot  "  says  that 
he  expects  to  grow  fat  as  long  as  he  lives.     Ah,  yes ; 
but,  when  he  dies,  will  not  the  fat  be  all  in  the  fire  ? 


THE  editor  of  the says  he  almost  scorns'  to  deny 
our   charges,  "  they   are    so  utterly  groundless."     We 
believe  he  generally  scorns  to  deny  "  groundless  "  charges. 
He  prefers  confining  himself  to  the  denial  of  true  ones. 


THE  ex-parson  of  the  -  -  relates  an  anecdote  to  con 
vey  the  idea  that  prayers  in  his  opinion  would  do  us  no 
good.  We  are  rather  'glad  the  ex-parson  thinks  so,  for  we 
don't  want  his  prayers.  If  we  were  to  hear  of  his  praying 
for  us  an  hour,  we  should,  to  guard  against  any  evil  results, 
beg  him  to  make  matters  straight  by  cursing  us  the  next 
hour. 

A  CORRESPONDENT  asks  us  who  is  the  father  of  the 
Sag  Nichts  organization.  We  don't  even  know  who 
its  mother  is,  and,  if  we  did,  we  should  probably  be  able  to 
make  only  a  vague  guess  at  its  father.  It  is  like  a  loose 
woman's  bastard,  that  may  owe  its  unhonored  life  to  the 
misconduct  of  any  one  of  a  dozen  or  a  score  of  good-for- 
nothing  rowdies. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Southern  Democrat  "  wants  to  know 
what  makes  us  so  smart.     If  we  are  smart,  it  must  be 
for  the  same  reason  that  he  is  so  stupid — can't  help  it. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Democrat  "  talks  about  the  "  fusion 
party."     If  his  anti- American  party  isn't  a  fusion  party, 
the  reason  must  be  that  so  many  odds  and  ends  are  jum 
bled  together  in  it  as  to  entitle  it  rather  to  the  name  of  the 
confusion  party. 


PKENTICEANA.  197 

F|1HE  editor  of  the  "  Western  Herald"  complains  that  our 
J-  remarks  "  oftentimes  have  two  meanings."  If  his  had 
one,  it  would  be  a  decided  improvement  upon  their  present 
character. 


editor  of  the  "  North  West  Bulletin  "  says  that  he  is 
JL  "  gaining  flesh."  No  doubt  he  steals  it  from  the 
butcher  or  from  some  neighbor's  meat-house. 


TI1HE  author  of  Christianity  was  a  foreigner. —  Democrat. 
1 

Why,  yes,  he  came  from  Heaven,  and  we  are  afraid  that 
heaven  will  always  be  a  foreign  country  to  you. 


editor  of  the  "  Democrat  "  asks  whether  he  can  be- 
-a-  lieve  his  own  eyes.  Why  yes,  we  suppose  he  can, 
unless  he  squints  ;  but  we  presume  he  is  not  fool  enough  to 
believe  his  own  tongue. 


WHY  is  the  progress  of  the  editor  of  the  "Journal  "  like  a  well- 
known  air  ?     Because  it  is  the  Kogue's  March.  —  Exchange. 
Why  will  the  editor  of  the  --  be  like  a  tune  of 
Paganini's  ?    Because  he'll  be  executed  on  a  single  string. 


(1OL.  BENTON  refused  to  give  his  daughter  Jessie  to 
)  Col.  Fremont,  and  the  bold  adventurer  ran  away  with 
hor.  Old  Bullion,  it  is  said,  has  now  quarrelled  with  his 
son-in-law  and  means  to  assail  him  as  a  candidate  for  the 
Presidency.  He  intends  to  do  what  he  wouldn't  do 
formerly — give  him  Jessie. 


TTNDOUBTEDLY  it  is  very  immoral  to  whip  men  at  the 
*-'  polls.  How  much  less  immoral  is  it  to  buy  them  before 
tfcey  get  there  ? 


198  PEENTICEAKA. 

A  PHYSICIAN  in  Boston  states  that  the  usual  accompaniments 
J\.  of  the  strawberry — sugar  and  cream — detract  very  essentially 
from  its  healthiness.  He  argues  that,  if  nature  had  intended  those 
substances  as  a  part  of  the  berry,  she  would  have  put  them  within 
the  skin. — Baltimore  Patriot. 

We  presume  that  nature  feels  herself  under  no  obligation 
to  mix  for  us  what  we  can  easily  mix  for  ourselves.  Is 
nature  to  be  expected  to  mix  our  pork  and  beans  for  us,  or 
our  codfish  and  potatoes. 


A  CORRESPONDENT  wishes  us  to  publish  a  defence 
of  Gen.  Stringfellow,  the  border  ruffian.     Our  opinion 
of  him  is,  that,  if  he  had  his  deserts,  he  would  be  a  strung- 
fellow.  __ 

OUR  neighbour  is  a  great  fellow  at  making  assertions, 
and  a  Very  little  one  at  proving  them.    Assertion  is  his 
forte,  and  proof  his  piano. 


AM  determined,"  says  a  rather  hard  customer,  "  to 
fight  theMevil  all  the  rest  of  my  life."     He  should  by 

all  means  ;  "  having  played  the  devil  one  half  of  his  life,  he 

ought  to  fight  him  the  other  half. 


"  T7"OU  will  see  my  face  no  more,"  said  a  romantic  young 
JL    lady  to  her  friends.     "We  wondered  whether  she  was 
going  away  from  earth,  or  intending  to  take  to  rouge — 
going  to  die  or  dye? 


editor  of  the  "  Democrat "  gives  us  a  long  article 
under  the  head  of  "  The  Case  Stated."     The  difficulty 
is  that  he  never  states  cases  fairly  or  truly.     A  statement 
of  his  is  always  one  of  those  "  circumstances  "  that  "  alter 
cases." 


1 


PRENTICEANA.  199 

ANY  a  beggar  is  proud  of  his  ancestry.     If  he  has  no 
other  coat  in  the  world,  he  is  vain  of  his  coat-of-arms. 


W"E  agree  with  the  editor  of  the ,that  close  watch- 

» '  ing  wouldn't  hurt  us,  but  we  are  apprehensive  that  it 
might  hurt  him  seriously.  Some  editors,  conscious  that 
they  can't  stand  watching,  seem  anxious  to  avoid  it  by 
making  themselves  not  worth  watching. 


A  FRIEND  sends  us  a  letter  of  Gen.  Pillow  which  he 
asks  us  to  notice.     We  have  more  important  matters 
on  hand.    When  we  have  disposed  of  them,  we  may  attend 
to  the  Pillow-case. 


HHHE  editor  of  the  "  Louisville  Journal "  undertakes  to  give  an 
JL  account  of  the  mass  meeting  that  was  to  be  held  here  last 
week.  The  meeting  came  off,  but  the  mass  was  omitted. — Demo 
crat. 

It  is  true  that  mass  was  not  celebrated  at  the  American 
meeting.  Probably  our  opponents,  taught  by  the  disastrous 
failure  of  their  late  attempt  to  get  up  a  gathering  at  Lex 
ington,  will  undertake  to  increase  the  attractions  of  their 
meeting  by  advertising  that  grand  mass  will  be  celebrated. 
We  may  say,  not  irreverently,  that  it  would%e  their  only 
way  of  raising  a  host. 

9-9-* 

A  RCHBISHOP  HUGHES  says  that  he  has  a  vivid  con- 
•**•  ception  of  the  evils  of  Protestantism.  That's  an  "  im 
maculate  conception,"  we  suppose. 


THE  editor  of  the  Boston  "  Liberator  "  calls  upon  the 
ladies  of  the  North  to  make  use  of  nothing  that  is  pro 
duced  by  slave  labor.     He  needn't  expect  them  not  to  use 
cotton.    They  will  not  expel  so  old  a  friend  from  their 
bosoms. 


200  PRENTICEANA. 

A  SAG-NIGHTS  paper  says  that  Texas  is  caln'ng  upon 
Sam  Houston  to  resign  his  seat  in  the  U.  S.  Senate. 
Texas  can,  if  she  chooses,  demand  of  her  ex-President  to 
resign  the  office  she  gave  him,  for  she  need  have  no  appre 
hension  that  he  can  call  upon  her  to  resign  the  indepen 
dence  he  gave  her. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Washington  Union  "  undertakes  to 
J-  discuss  what  he  calls  a  "  knotty  question."  Can  such  a 
fellow  as  he  untie  anything  knotty  ?  Echo  answers  not  he. 


THE    "London  Times,"  speaks   of    the    Americans    as 
"  rather  stupid."   Some  of  the  Times's  countrymen  have 
had  reason  to  be    convinced,  that,  in  battle,  we  are  not 
"smart  enough  to  keep  out  of  the  fire." 


ALOCOFOCO    editor  says  if  Judge  D.  is  a  drunkard 
and  yet  so  great  a  man,  what  would  he  be  if  sober  ? 
We  are  afraid  the  world  will  never  have  a  chance  to  know. 


THE  quarr#  between  those  two  prominent  Democrats, 
Governor  Wright  and  Senator  Bright  of  Indiana,  still 
continues.  A  locofoco  paper,  friendly  to  both,  says  "  there 
is  not  much  difference  between  them."  There  is  some, 
though.  Bright  is  sometimes  right,  but  Wright  is  never 
bright.  ___ 


editor  of  the  -  says  that  a  late  sermon  of  his 
'  "  went  off  like  hot  cakes."  This  may  encourage  him  to 
turn  regular  parson  again.  Wonder  if  jthe  apostate  from 
God  now  contemplates  being  an  apostate  from  the  devil. 
Can  he  keep  his  faith  to  nothing  in  heaven  or  earth  or 
hell? 


P  E  E  N  T I  G 


201 


PTIHE  editor  of  the ,  who  has  so  much  to  say  about 

J-  dog-meat  sausages,  doesn't  like  our  intimation  that  he 
lives  on  them.  Probably  his  sausages  are  a  mixture  of  dog- 
meat  and  pork.  He  has  the  habits  of  both  animals ;  he 
barks  at  his  betters  and  wallows  in  the  mire. 


¥E  find  in  a  Southern  Sag-Nichts  paper  a  wood  engrav 
ing,  representing  "  Sam  "  as  walking  off"  with  a  brandy- 
bottle  in  his  hand.     The  Sag-Nlchts  organs  are  very  im 
prudent  to  represent  him  thus.     They  will  have  all  their 
fellows  running  after  him. 


THE  editor  of  the complains  that  he   produces  no 
excitement  by  his  proofs  of  our  abolitionism.     He  pro 
duces  no  excitement  by  his  proofs,  as  he  calls  them,  of  any 
thing.     He  knows*  nothing  of  any  proof  except  "fourth- 
proof)"  and  his  use  of  that  excites  only  himself. 


A  LOCOFOCO  editor  in  the  interior  of  Kentucky  com- 
£*•  plains  bitterly  that  a  large  proportion  of  his  subscribers 
.-ire  in  arrears.  We  always  thought  that  locofocoism 
(couldn't  pay  . 


fFHE  "  New  York  Express  "  says  that  unnaturalized  for- 
L   eigners  "  fill  our  prisons  and  poor-houses."     Yes,  and 
that  is  not  the  worst  of  it.    They  fill  our  ballot-boxes. 


A  WOMAN  in  Indiana  has  demanded  a  divorce  from  her 
-^  husband  because  he  has  cold  feet.  We  think  she  must 
be  as  hot-headed  as  he  is  cold-footed. 


editor  of  the says  that  he  has  no  temptation 

•*-  to  tell  lies  on  us.    But  what  is  to  be  thought  of  a  fellow 
that  lies  without  temptation  ? 

9* 


202  PEENTICEANA. 

T17E  have  received  from  our  Arkansas  friends  the  Ameri- 
*  *  can  eagle  that  they  promised  us.  He  is  a  noble  and 
majestic  bird.  He  is  as  tameless  as  when  his  bro&d  wings 
beat  the  air  in  their  native  freedom,  and  when  his  wild 
scream  of  triumph  was  heard  amid  the  roaring  of  his  moun 
tain-pines.  We  intend  to  give  this  grand  bird,  that  appears 
at  a  little  distance  as  bald  as  the  bald  Caesar,  a  perch  in 
front  of  our  office,  where  he  can  gaze  upon  the  blue  sky  and 
look  his  old  friend  the  sun  in  the  eye  and  be  fanned  by  the 
breezes  and  rocked  by  the  storms  of  heaven.  We  presume 
however,  that  the  Anti- Americans  will  nearly  desert  the 
street  that  he  overlooks.  They  will  not  be  able  to  dare 
"  the  thunder  of  his  beak  and  the  lightning  of  his  eye." 
The  editor  of  the  "  Democrat "  will  have  to  take  some 
other  road  home.  If  he  come  this  way,  our  king  of  birds 
may  show  himself  "  right  upon  the  goose." 


ACETJEL  MAK — Prentice,  of  the  "Louisville  Journal,"  must 
be  an  unfeeling  man,  a  downright  cruel  man,  or  he  would  "  let 

up 1'  the   unlucky  wight  "who  edits    the of    that    city. — 

Memphis  Whig. 

We  have  no  thought  of  letting  him  up.  We  keep  him 
crushed  down  to  the  earth  in  fulfillment  of  the  curse  pro 
nounced  by  God  against  the  serpent,  "  upon  thy  belly  thou 
shalt  crawl."  He  has  been  so  long  accustomed  to  his  posi 
tion  that  he  could  no  more  stand  upright  now  than  a  snake 
could  walk  upon  his  tail. 


THE  editor  of   the  Southern says   that  one-half 
of  his   subscribers  complain  that  they  do  not  get  his 
paper.    ~No  doubt  the  other  half  complain  that  it's  good  for 
nothing  when  they  do  get  it. 


THE   editor  of  the  <(  Washinton  Union  "  pretends  not  to 
know  some  things  that  he  knows  very  well.     A  fellow 
really  so  ignorant  shouldn't  affect  ignorance. 


PRENTIOEANA.  203 

THE  editor  of  the says  our  nature  is  so  depraved 
that  only  falsehood  suits  us.     He  evidently  thinks  this 
of  all  his  readers'  and  accommodates  himself  to  what  he  sup 
poses  their  taste  to  be. 

THE  editor  of  the ,  alluding  to  his  pious  days,  says 
that,  while  he  was  going  to  church,  we  were  going  to 
coffee-houses.    Ah,  if  this  is  true,  how  utterly  both  of  us 
have  changed  since. 


TULIUS  CLESAR'S  letter,  "I  came,  I  saw,  I  conquered," 
v  has  been  admired  nearly  two  thousand  years  for  its 
terseness.  We  think  it  rather  verbose.  The  words  "  I 
saw  "  are  entirely  superfluous.  Indeed,  we  think  "  I  came  " 
wholly  unnecessary.  "  I  conquered,"  would  tell  the  whole 
story.  But  Julius  had  no  doubt  a  good  deal  of  leisure 
when  he  wrote  that  letter,  and  his  style  suffered  in  conse 
quence. 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Democratic  Statesman  "  says  that  the 
"  Louisville  Journal "  is  apt  to  get  out  of  order.     Pro 
bably  he  thinks  so  because  our  paper  does  as  clocks  out  of 
order  sometimes  do — keeps  all  the  time  striking. 

A  LETTER  from  Ireland  speaks  encouragingly  of  the  prosperity 
of  the  farmers,  and  the  decrease  of  crime. — Nashville  Union. 
There  may  well  be  a  decrease  of  crime  in  Ireland  !     A 
decrease  of  crime  follows  a  decrease  of  criminals.     Ireland 
has    emptied    her    penitentiaries,   jails,   work-houses,    and 
houses  of  correction  upon  the  United  States.     Whilst  there 
has  been  a  decrease  of  crime  in  that  country,  what  has  been 
the  state  of  the  case  in  this  ? 


fTlHE  editor  of  the says   that  "  secrecy  is  ever  a 

-*-  badge  of  guilt."     Then  why  does  he  wear  breeches  ? 


PKENTICEANA. 


I  DO  not  belong  to  the  Democratic  party,  thank  God.     I  do  not 
belong  to  the  so  called  American  party,  and  I  thank  God  for 
that. 

The  above  passage  is  from  the  late  speech  of  GOY.  Jones, 
of  Tennessee.  The  "  Nashville  Union,"  in  professing  to  copy 
it,  leaves  out  the  first  thank  God  "  and  gives  only  the  last 
"  thank  God."  The  editor  is  unwilling  for  his  readers  to 
know  more  than  half  the  amount  of  the  Governor's  thank 
fulness  to  God. 

•  0  • 

A  WASHINGTON  paper  says  that  many  persons  who 
were  Know  Nothings  a  year  ago  have  abandoned  the 
order.      Generally  speaking,  they  were    not   only   Know 
Nothings,  but  fellows  that  hadn't  the  capacity  to  know  any 
thing. 

FS  name  is  in  our  reach,  and  unless  he  shall  speedily  learn  to 
be  decent,  we  shall  deliver  to  the  public  a  free  lecture  upon 
the  anatomy  of  skunks  with  practical  demonstrations. — Reporter. 

If  the  editor  of  the  "  Reporter  "  is  going  to  deliver  "  a 
lecture  upon  skunks  with  practical  demonstrations  "  of  the 
habits  of  the  animal,  we  hope  his  audience  will  understand 
the  necessity  of  keeping  on  the  windward  side  of  him  dur 
ing  his  performance.. 


T  UCY  STONE  recently  made  a  speech  insisting  that  the 
J^  election  of  women,  as  well  as  men,  to  Congress  would 
improve  the  character  of  that  body.  We  suspect  that  the 
habit  of  "  pairing  off "  would  be  even  more  common  than 
it  is. 

— 

A  SAG-NIGHTS  organ  in  Pennsylvania  says  that  "  the 
-^  Democrats  consider  themselves,  in  the  present  cam 
paign,  as  doing  not  only  a  political,  but  a  solemn  religious 
duty."  Oh  yes,  and  we  presume,  that,  at  the  close  of  the 
proceedings  of  all  their  meetings,  they  fervently  exclaim  |n 
heart,  "  Let  us  prey." 


PRENTICEANA.  205 

A  DEMOCRATIC  paper  asks  us  to  tell  why  its  party  is 
generally  up  and  ours  down.     No  doubt  for  the  same 
reason  that  the  empty  bucket  is  generally  at  the  top  of  the 
well. 

»-o-» 

ONE  of  the  northern  papers  calls  Mr.  Buchanan  a  dough 
face.     Who  would  expect  such  an  old  Buck  to  have  a 

doe-face  ? 

•-*-• 

THE  editor  of  the  -   says  all  the  quiet  citizens  of  his 
State  are  against  dissolving  the  Union.     Oh  yes,  but 
pray  how  many  quiet  citizens  are  there  in  that  State  ? 


A  WRITER   in    the    "  American   Agriculturist "  insists 
that   farmers   ought  to  learn  to  make   better   fences. 
Why  not  establish  a  fencing  school  for  their  benefit  ? 


THE  Turkish  men  hold  that  women  have  no  souls,  and 
prove  by  their  treatment  of  them  that  they  have  none 
themselves. 

IT  may  seem  strange  that  you  cannot  see  your  face  in  a 
pane  of  beautifully  stained  glass,  when  everybody  ad 
mits  that  it  is  a  good  looking-glass. 


OHAKSPEARE  says  "there  is  a  divinity  which  shapes 
^  our  ends,"  but  unfortunately  the  sheriff  has  to  be  called 
in  to  shape  some  people's. 

THE  ladies  sometimes  call  men  Jack-o'-lanterns.      Yes, 
ladies,  that's  exactly  what  we  all  are.     If  you  run  from 
us,  we  are  certain  to  follow  you ;  if  you  run  after  us,  we  are 
likely  to  retreat  all  the  faster. 


206  PRENTICEANA. 

IN"  Illinois,  Mr.  Bush  and  Mr.  Bird  are  rival  candidates  for 
office.     In  that  case,  the  people  will  have  to  beat  the 
Bush  to  get  the  Bird. 


ONE  of  the  pictorial  papers  contains  what  is  called  a  cut 
of  the  President  and  his  Cabinet.    It  is  "  the  uukindest 
cut  of  all." 

FT1HE  longest  bridge  in  the  world  is  considered  peerless, 
-L  for  the  reason  that  it  has  more  piers  than  any  other. 


A   PIN  has  as  much  head  as  a  good  many  authors,  and  a 
good  deal  more  point. 


WE  presume  that  women's  preference  of  gentlemen  with 
small  hands  and  delicate  fingers  had  its  origin  while 
the  old  English  law  was  in  force,  allowing  every  man  to 
beat  his  wife  whenever  he  pleased  with  a  stick  not  thicker 
than  his  thumb. 


A    DISTINGUISHED     American     writer,    in     writing 
against  what  he  considers  a  prevailing   inclination  to 
credulity,  says  "  that  the  present  generation  seem  a  race  of 
gudgeons."   He  must  certainly  except  the  babies — they  are 
only  suckers.  

U  VOX!  think  you  are  a  great  man,"  said  an  impertinent 
-*-    fellow  to  a  gentleman  whom  he  had  offended.    "  Yes, 
I  am  a  real  thumper,"  replied  the  gentleman,  fitting  the 
action  to  the  word. 


A  1ST  inventor  has  made  application  at  the  patent  office  for 
what  he  calls  an  improved  lever.     He  professes  to  be 
"  able  to  raise  anything  Avith  it."     We  wonder  if  it  will 
answer  for  raising  children  and  the  wind. 


PEENTICEANA.  207 

APOLITICAL  candidate  in  Alabama  reminds  his  party 
leaders   that  he  has  "served  them  at  a  pinch."     We 
suppose  that  he  has  passed   around  his    snuff-box   among 
them. 

IT  seems  very  strange  that  chameleons  can  live  on  air.    It 
seems  a  great  deal  stranger  that  some  writers  manage 
to  live  by  their  wits. 


AN  Illinois  editor  says  that  his  party  is  on  the  verge  of  a 
precipice,  but  calls  loudly  upon  it  to  march  steadily 
ahead.    He  is  a  bad  leader. 


A  PAPER  in  Pennsylvania  says  that  Mr.  Buchanan  is 
"  Janus-faced."  This  is  not  exactly  true.  Janus  had 
two  faces  to  look  in  two  directions  at  the  same  time. 
Nature  was  more  economical  in  making  Mr.  Buchanan. 
By  the  aid  of  a  rather  ugly  squint  he  can  look  in  two  direc 
tions  with  only  one  face. 


fTlHE  "  Washington  Union  "  invokes  every  Democrat  to 
J-  "  call  himself  to  duty."  This  idea  of  a  man's  calling 
himself  is  quite  new.  But  we  have  heard  of  a  dog  who 
could  call  himself  by  having  a  whistle  on  the  end  of  his  tail. 


says  that  reading  makes  a  full  man,  but  fashion 
-    makes  a  full  woman.     This  is  altogether  witty  but  only 
half  true.     Fashion  puts  a  great  deal  about  a  woman  but 
nothing  in  her. 

OUR  Exchange  papers  say,  that,  although  the  last  year 
was  leap  year,  the  number  of  marriages  in  the  course 
of  it  was  less  than  in  ordinary  years.     This  proves  either 
that  the  women  are  not  as  good  at  courting  as  the  men,  or 
that  the  men  are  harder  to  court  than  the  women. 


"08  PK  ENTICE  AN  A. 

ONE  of  our  exchanges  says  that  "  a  newspaper  is  an  im 
personality."     We  confess  that  we  find  nothing  about 
the  greater  part  of  them  but  personalities. 


SOME  of  the  Democrats  of  Nashville  have  given  their 
editor  a  fleet  saddle-horse  with  saddle  and  bridle.     It 
looks  like  a  hint  to  him  to  be  off  as  fast  as  possible. 


THE  "  Washington  Union  "  says  that  certain  recent  state 
ments  in  relation  to  Mr.  Marcy  are  "  downright  fabri 
cations."     We    presume   the    organ  means,  that,  like  the 
famous  patch  upon  Mr.  Marcy's  breeches,  they  are  "  made 
out  of  whole  cloth." 


THE  "New  York  Herald"  trusts  that  Mr.  F.  may  be 
cured  of  his  low  and  vicious  propensities.     We  do  not 
believe  that  he  can  be  cured   except  as  folks  cure  bacon — 
by  hanging. 

THE  -         -  is   to   be   published   hereafter    on  Sunday. 
Having  broken  all  the  rest  of  the    Lord's   command 
ments,  it  is  now  about  to  break  the  fourth. 


THE  "  Louisville  Democrat  "  and  "  Cincinnati  Enquirer  "  have 
both  lately  come  out  in  a  new  dress.— Paris  Flag. 
If,  as  this  language  implies,  they  have  got  but  one  dress 
between  them,  one  of  them  will  have  to  lie  in  bed  whilst 
the  other  circulates. 


IT  is  impossible  to  say  where  the  American  party  ends,  and  the 
abolition  party  begins. — Exchange. 

If  the  editor  of  the were  mounted  on  an  ass,  it 

would  be  impossible  to  say  where  the  man  ended  and  the 
ass  began. 


PKENTICEANA.  209 

4i  T)LEASE    accept    a    lock   of   my    hair,"  said    an  old 
-1    bachelor  to  a  widow,  handing  her  a  large  curl.    "  Sir, 
you  had  better  give  me  the  whole  wig."     "  Madame,  you 
are  very  biting,  considering  that  your  teeth  are  porcelain."  "s 


1\ /TRS.  LUCY  HILL  complains,  in  an  Arkansas  paper,  that 
-L'-*-  her  nephew  has  trampled  upon  her  rights  and  feelings. 
The  graceless  young  rascal  shouldn't  be  allowed  to  trample 
upon  his  aunt-Hill. 

r-0-« 

THE  leaves  of  most  books  are  inferior  to  those  of  the 
book  of  nature.    They  have  the  greenness  without  the 
freshness  of  the  leaves  of  spring,  and  the  dryness  without 
the  moral  of  those  of  Autumn. 


WE  know  some  men  who  are  good-natured  only  when 
they  are  no  longer  sober.     Like  small  beer,  they  get 
tour  if  not  soon  drunk. 


A  WRITER  in  the  "  Literary  Messenger  "  speaks  of  a 
-£*•  friend  of  his  that  has  always  been  accustomed  to  the 
pen.  Is  the  friend  an  author  or  a  pig  ? 


IF  a  man  and  his  wife  are  kept  apart  through  the  obstruc 
tion  of  navigation  by  ice,  is  it  proper  to  say  that  there  is 
a  coldness  between  them  ? 


rjTHOSE  who  are  ever  ready  to  give  the  lie  are  generally 
•*•  not  too  brave  to  take  what  they  are  not  too  civil  to 

give.  _ 

AN  impudent  fellow  accosted  a  young  lady  rudely,  and 
she  set  a  dog  on  him.     She  was  chaste  and  he  was 
closed  ! 


210  PEENTICEANA. 

THE  charge  of  a  judge  is  often  hard  to  stand; — that  of  a 
battalion,  harder  still ; — that  of  a  money-lender  hardest 
of  all. 


0 


NE  tear  of  a  woman  is  oftentimes  more  formidable  than 
the  "three  tiers  "  of  a  ship  of  the  line. 


IF  Pierce's  Cabinet  has  "  hung  together  "  for  four  years, 
it  has  been  owing  to  his  imbecility  rather  than  to  its  in 
ternal  harmony.   It  has  not  been  because  the  Cabinet  was  a 
"  unit,"  but  because  the  President  was  a  cipher. 


T  LEARN"  that  the  inaugural  of  Mr.  Buchanan  is  finished.    It  will 
JL  be  short. —  Washington  Correspondent. 

It  will  be  long  enough  before  he  finishes  another. 


THE  editor  of  an  Alabama   paper  advises   that  we  and 
another  individual,  whom  he  names,  "  meet  upon  the  field 
of  honor  and  fight  with  squirt  guns."     If  we  must  use  "  a 
squirt "  in  such  an  affair,  we  shall  beg  the  use  of  the  Ala 
bama  editor  for  the  occasion. 


IN  Winchester  Centre,  Ot.,  there  has  not  been  a  death  in  one  and 
a  half  years,  and  but  two  or  three  deaths  in  three  years.    The 
village  is  surrounded  by  smoking  coalpits,  and  besides  there  is  no 
physician  in  the  place. — Albany  Statesman. 

We  do  not  see  what  need  there  could  possibly  be  for 
doctors  where  there  is  so  much  smoke  to  cure  folks. 


A  FELLOW  in  New  York,  calling  himself  "  A  Jew," 
says,  in  a  communication  against  the  Know  Nothings, 
that  he  at  least  "  can  see  some  things."     Of  course  he  can. 
As  Shylock  says,  "  hath  not  a  Jew  eyes  ?" 


PEENTIOEANA.  211 

THE  Sag  Nichts  pretend  that  they  attempted  no  resist- 
ance  to  the  Know  Nothings  at  the  late  election  in  this 
city.     Therein  they  did  a  great  deal  better  than  they  had 
ever  done  before.   Usually  they  have  turned  out  very  short 
political  crops,  but  in  this  case  they  yielded  handsomely. 


THE  editor  of  the talks  of  not  putting  up  with  the 
present  officers  of  the  city.     They  don't  want  him  to- 
"  put  up  "  with  them.     They  are  not  tavern  keepers.     The 
jailor  is  the  only  one  of  them  that  keeps  public  accommo 
dations. 

»-*-, ' 

¥E  do  not  by  any  means  denounce  all  Democratic  edi 
tors  indiscriminately ;  but,  if  anybody  will  show  us  a 
Democratic  editor  who  is  truthful  and  patriotic,  we  will 
cheerfully  and  without  the  slightest  hesitation  admit  that 
he  deserves — not  to  have  been  a  Democratic  editor. 


AN  insolent  correspondent  says  that  he  has  been  under 
the  unpleasant  necessity  of  curtailing  his  communica 
tion.     Then  the  author  and  his  article  are  well-matched — 
the  one  curtailed  and  the  other  cur-headed. 


fruit  dealers  in  our  market  must  be  a  poor  set  of 
~   creatures  if  it  is  really  true  of  men,  that  we  "  may  know 
them  by  their  fruits." 


FTIHESTK  of  the  -mighty  rivers,  running  up  and  down  and  across 
JL  the  country  in  every  direction,  and  the  controversies  about 
their  navigation — is  there  to  be  any  way  of  settling  them? — 
Edward  Everett. 

We  have  very  serious  doubts  whether  anything  could  be 
done  with  mighty  rivers  running  up  the  country. 


212  PEENTICEANA. 

ONE  of  the  New  York  papers  says  that  a  large  number 
of  drunken  men  were  picked  up  in  the  streets  on  the 
night  of  the  4th.     Not  only  drunken  men  but  sober  ones 
get  "  picked  up  "  in  New  York  every  night  and  day. 


I 


F  you  don't  want  to  spoil  your  children,  you  may  have  to 
spoil  a  good  many  rods  in  raising  them. 


APHILADELPIA  editor  thinks  that  nations  now-a-days 
are  so  widely  and  intimately  related  that  they  will  pro 
bably  never  decay.     He  doesn't  inform  us  whether  in  his 
opinion    individuals  will  ever  be  on  such  amicable  terms 
with  each  other  as  to  live  forever. 


1 


S  there  a  great  Northwest  ? — St.  Louis  Democrat. 


Undoubtedly  there  is,  and,  if  this  fact  is  not  speedily 
recognized  by  the  Central  Government,  there  will  be  a 
Great  Northwester. 


IN  one  of  his  "Discourses,"  Brigham  Young  expresses 
the  opinion  that  he  has  a  great  deal  more  influence  in 
Utah  than  Moses  had  among  the  children  of  Israel.     Very 
likely.     But  not  more  than  Moses  might  have  had  if  the 
children  had  been  his  own  instead  of  Israel's. 


THE  editor  of  the  —      -  boasts  that  there  is  no  other 
editor  in  the  country  who  can  "  propel  public  senti 
ment  "  like  him.     He  richly  deserves  to  be  ducked — to  be 
a  submerged  propeller. 


"  Herald  "  complains  bitterly  of  the  "  price  of  living 
-  in  New  York."  It  certainly  is  a  fair  subject  of  com 
plaint  that  living  is  so  dear  where  life  is  so  cheap. 


PEEKTICEANA.  213 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Boston  Ledger  "  devotes  a  column  of 
eulogy  to  the  new  postmaster  of  the  city  of  notions,  Mr. 
Capen.     According  to  the  Ledger,  Mr.  Capen  is  not  only 
great,  but  good.     The  editor  probably  knows.     His  pane 
gyric  reads  as  if  his  belly  were  by  "  good  capon  lined." 


TT7"E  might  answer  a  fool  according  to  his  folly. — Pennsylvanian. 
No  one  has  a  clearer  right  or  could  do  it  better. 


THAT  comet  is  a  gay  deceiver !     He  promised  to  jostle 
the  earth,  but  has  only  jilted  her.    The  rogue  has  told  a 
tale  instead  of  showing  one. 


LAST  week  we  were  witness  of  a  difficulty  in  the  interior 
of  the  State  between  a  good  American  and  a  bad  for 
eigner.    Both  struck  very  promptly.    The  American  struck 
the  foreigner,  and  the  latter  struck  his  colors. 


TpVERY  taste  may  be  corrupted  by  habit.  A  man  may 
J-^  get  so  accustomed  to  an  offensive  atmosphere,  that  he 
will  stop  his  nose  in  passing  a  garden  of  jessamines  and 
violets.  

A  POPULAR  writer  tells  us  that  women  often  bear  their 
personal    deformities    with    a   feeling    akin    to    pride. 
They  often  bare  their  personal  charms  with  very  decided 
pride. 

O-H£-  * 

AN  Eastern  editor,  speaking  of  a  couple  of  individuals  in 
a  situation  of  great  danger,   says  that  "they  luckily 
escaped  with  a  whole  skin."     It  would  have  been  twice  as 
lucky  if  they  had  escaped  with  two  whole  skins. 


214:  PKENTICEANA. 

AMR.  GARDNER  fired  a  pistol  at  his  sweetheart  a  few 
days  ago,  and  she  has  since  married  him.     Who  ever 
dreamed  that  gunpowder  was  a  love-powder  ?" 


I 


T  is  a  good  sign  to  see  the  color  of  health  upon  a  man's 
face,  but  not  to  see  it  all  concentrated  in  his  nose. 


"Y  OUNG  men  who  go  to  balls  will  do  well  to  remember 
•*-    that  a  ball  should  never  close  with  a  reel. 


THE  "Edinburg  Review"    asks   what   European  nation 
will  first  burst  into  a  flame.    We  expect  the  Dutch  will ; 
they  are  always  smoking. 


A  WOMAN  with  no  friends  can't  be  expected  to  sit  down 
and  enjoy  a  comfortable  smoke,  for  she  hasn't  got  any 
to-back-her.  

IT  is  difficult  to  be  good-natured  in  a  hot  day.     Intense 
heat  destroys  even  the  temper  of  steel,  and  why  not  that 
of  flesh  and  blood? 

OUR  barber  tells  us  that,  although  young  men  are  often 
irresolute,  he  finds  that  as  they  get  along  in  life  they 
generally  come  to  the  scratch. 


AMR.  ARCHER  has  been  sent  to  the  Ohio  penitentiary 
for  marrying  three  wives.     "  Insatiate  Archer !  could 
not  one  suffice  ?" 


Eyou  woo  the  company  of  the   angels  in  your  waking 
nours,  they  will  be  sure  to  come  to  you  in  your  sleep. 


PEENTICEANA.  215 

YI,TE  live  neighbor  to  the  free  States,  and  see  some  of  their  people 
f  i     every  day,  and  they  look  and  talk  pretty  much  as  we  do. — 
Exchange. 

Well,  really,  neighbor,  if  the  people  of  the  free  States 
look  pretty  much  as  you  do,  we  cannot  wonder  that  a  large 
portion  of  the  South  is  in  favor  of  dissolving  all  connection 
with  the  ugly  race.  We  don't  know  but  we  shall  have  to 
go  for  dissolution  ourselves. 


IT  is  idle  to  attempt  to  scare  the  Democracy  by  talking  of  raising 
the  devil.     They  are  not  afraid  of  the  old  sinner ;  they  are  used 
to  beating  him. — Democrat. 

They  are  undoubtedly  used  to  beating  him  around  the 
stump.  As  for  shaming  him,  they  never  do  that  by  telling 
the  truth,  but  only  by  outlying  him. 


JOHN  MITCHEL,  the  Irish  Patriot,  said,  some  time  ago, 
that  if  he  were  a  fool,  he  should  be  happy :  and,  as  if 
acting  upon  that  conviction,  he  has  been  making  one  of 
of  himself  ever  since.    And  it  has  not  been  with  him  a  pur 
suit  of  happiness  under  difficulties. 


A  STUPID  Sag-Nichts  editor  in  Indiana  complains  that  his 
sheet  is  too  small  to  contain  the  expression  of  his 
thoughts.  We  think  then  that  his  thoughts  may  be  consid 
ered  as  corresponding  very  well  with  the  little  girl's  defini 
tion  of  chaos — "  a  great  pile  of  nothing  with  no  place  to  put 
it  in."  __ 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Somerset  Democrat "  apologizes  to 
JL  his  readers  for  not  giving  them  more  than  a  half  sheet ; 
h€  says  that  he  will  not  let  it  happen  again.  His  readers 
no  doubt  will  excuse  him.  "  There,"  said  a  dutiful  parent, 
after  soundly  thrashing  his  little  son,  "  I'll  give  you  the  rest 
next  time."  "  You  needn't  trouble  yourself,  daddy." 


216  PRENTICEANA. 

EN.  QUITMAN,  the  distinguished  fire-eater,  is  said  to 
be  on  a  visit  to  the  Hot  Springs  of  Alabama.  We  con 
gratulate  him  on  finding  something  to  wash  his  fire  down 
with.  The  general,  though  an  awful  filibuster,  is  person 
ally  a  capital  fellow.  We  hope  the  waters  will  prove  hot 
enough  to  agree  with  him. 


THE  experiment  of  domesticating  camels  in  this  country 
is  reported  to  have  succeeded  beyond  all  rational  expec 
tation.     We  suppose  the  project  will  now  go  merrily  for- 
warckto  the  tune  of  "The  Camels  are  Coming." 


/CARDINAL  RICHELIEU  is  represented  as  saying,  "in 
\J  the  vocabulary  of  youth  there  is  no  such  word  as  fail." 
If  that  is  a  fact,  the  vocabulary  of  youth  about  these  times 
is  very  defective. 

THE  New  Orleans  papers  complain  of  the  want  of  milk  in 
that  city.     The  Louisiana  milk  always  seems  to  us  as 
defective  in  quality  as  deficient  in  quantity.     Like  most  of 
the  current  jokes,  it  has  no  cream  to  it. 


THE  "  New  York  Journal  of  Commerce,"  alluding  to  the 
early  poverty  of  Curran,  says : 

"When  he  started  in  married  life,  he  writes  "My  wife  and  chil 
dren  were  the  only  furniture  of  my  apartments." 

Under  the  circumstances,  we  think  this  was  more  than  he 
was  legitimately  entitled  to. 


M'LLE  EAOHEL  is  said  to  have  come  back  again  from  the  brink 
of  the  grave.     An  improvement  has  taken  place  in  her  health. 
— Philadelphia  Inquirer. 

We  believe  coming  back  from  the  brink  of  the  grave  is 
generally  esteemed  a  very  wholesome  trip. 


PRENTICEANA.  217 

3  gentle  in  old  age.    Peevishness  is  worse  in  second 
childhood  than  in  the  first. 


AN  editor  in  one  of  our  western  cities  says  that  the  people 
there  have  not  discovered  that  the  times  are  hard.    Let 
them  undertake  to  pay  their  debts,  and  perhaps  they  will 
make  the  important  discovery. 


IT  is  a  maxim  of  many  political  economists  that  the  coun 
try's  truest  wealth  consists  of  its  population.     But  what 
if  three-fourths  of  the  population  can't  pay  their  debts  and 
have  nothing  to  live  on?     Couldn't  such  wealth  be  dis 
pensed  with  ? 

A  MAN  named  J.  S.  Bill  has  set  up  a  shaving  shop  in  one 
of  our  Western  cities.     We  know  him  of  old.     When 
ever  he  takes  off  his  beard,  he  shaves  a  bad  Bill. 


ALOCOFOCO  editor  says,  that,  if  occasion  arise,  we 
shall  find  him  good  at  biting  and  scratching.     He  is 
more  accommodating  than  most  vermin.     They  generally 
bite  and  let  you  scratch  for  yourself. 


THE  decision  of  Judge  Goodloe  disfranchises  all  the  naturalized 
citizens  of  the  United  States,  dead  and  living. — Louisville  Demo 
crat. 

What  an  outrage  it  must  be  in  the  eyes  of  all  good  loco- 
focos  that  the  dead  Irish  and  Germans  should  be  disfran 
chised — that  they  should  not  be  allowed  their  votes.  Our 
people  have  manifested  a  pretty  strong  aversion  to  having 
America  governed  by  live  foreigners,  and  we  may  have  an 
opportunity  of  seeing  whether  they  will  be  more  reconciled 
1,o  her  being  governed  by  fleshless  Irish  and  Dutch  skele- 
t  ons  with  five  feet  of  earth  over  them. 


218  PKENTICEANA. 

A  CITY  paper  undertakes  to  tell  how  "  one  may  in  the 
hottest  of  weather  drink  as  much  water  as  one  likes  " 
without  experiencing  any  ill  effects.  We  know  a  great 
many  people  who,  without  resorting  to  any  ingenious 
expedient,  can  drink  quite  as  much  water  as  they  like  with 
perfect  impunity. 

A  GREAT  many  Democratic  expectants  in  the  South  are 
much    dissatisfied    with    Mr.    Buchanan,    because    he 
does  not  make  place  for  them  by  dismissing  all  the  old 
incumbents  of  office.      They  complain,  that,  although  they 
had  high  expectations  of  him,  he  doesn't  turn  out  well. 


THE  southern  Democratic  papers  earnestly  beg  the 
South  to  submit  quietly  to  the  outrageous  attacks  of 
Buchanan  &  Co.  in  Kansas  upon  southern  rights.  These 
papers  think  that  the  thing  may  certainly  be  a  little  painful 
to  the  southern  mind,  but  that  it  will  be  the  making  of  the 
Democratic  administration.  Very  likely.  In  the  bull-fight 
ing  days,  a  blacksmith,  who  was  rearing  a  bull-pup,  induced 
his  old  father  to  go  on  all  fours  and  imitate  the  bull.  The 
canine  pupil  pinned  the  old  man  by  the  nose.  The  son,  dis 
regarding  the  paternal  roaring,  exclaimed :  "  Hold  him, 
Growler,  hold  him ;  bear  it,  feyther,  bear  it,  it'll  be  the 

making  of  the  pup  /" 

»-•-« 

YOU  (the  editor  of  the  "  Somerset  American  ")  are  old  enough  to 
be  our  father,  and  have  been  a  "jack  at  all  trades." — Northern 
Herald. 

If  your  neighbor  were  a  "jack,"  he  would,  whether  "old 
enough  "  to  be  your  father  or  not,  be  the  very  kind  of  ani 
mal  that  might  be  expected  to  sire  such  a  colt. 


"Philadelphia  Evening  Journal"  wants  to  know 
JL  how  much  further  Louis  Napoleon  "  will  be  allowed  to 
go  without  a  check."  Possibly  until  he  finds  a  halter. 


PKENTICEANA.  219 

IT  is  some  consolation  to  us  of  the  present  generation  to  find  that 
our  ancestors  were  not  more  guiltless  than  ourselves  of  those 
crimes  and  vices  for  which  we  are  so  constantly  reproached. — Cin 
cinnati  Enquirer. 

What  fine  children  those  must  be  who  can  console  them 
selves  in  their  villainy  by  the  reflection  that  their  fathers 
before  them  were  as  great  villains  as  themselves. 


"  Niagara  Falls  Gazette  "  is  quarrelling  with  Buffalo 
for  her  alleged  attempt  to  take  away  from  the  town 
of  Niagara  all  the  advantages  and  blessings  that  Nature 
has  given  her.  Perhaps  the  worst  of  it  is  that  Nature  her 
self  is  cooperating  slowly  but  surely  in  this  unfair  work. 
We  believe  the  great  Cataract  itself  is  travelling  regularly 
up  stream  at  the  rate  of  some  inches  per  year,  so  that  in 
time,  a  pretty  long  time  to  be  sure,  it  will  be  Buffalo's  Cat 
aract.  It  is  to  be  hoped,  however,  that  all  jealousies  be 
tween  Buffalo  and  Niagara  will  be  hushed  before  that  time. 


HENRY  B.  HIRST,  of  Philadelphia,  has  written  a  piece 
of  poetry  on  Mr.  Buchanan,  in  which  he  invokes  him  in 
settling  the  Kansas  and  other  difficulties  to — 

Ann  !  Go  forth  naked  to  the  fight !" 

Dortt  do  it,  old  Buck !  Don't  violate  all  the  laws  of 
civilized  warfare.  Kill  the  enemy  legitimately  if  you  can, 
but  don't  scare  them  to  death. 


THE  Democratic  editor  at  Little  Rock  says  that  it  puzzles 
him  to  tell  when  the  banks  do  most  harm,  when  they 
pay  specie  or  when  they  don't.  We  presume  he  would  be 
still  more  puzzled  to  tell  whether  the  State  of  Arkansas 
would  do  most  harm  by  paying  her  debts  or  not  paying 
them,  as  she  has  never  made  an  experiment  of  the  former 
operation . 


220  PEENTICEANA. 

A  VIRGINIA  editor  tells  about  a  prodigious  calf  that 
he  saw  at  "  the  Springs."     The  editor  was  probably 
drinking  from   one   of    the  Springs  when    he  discovered 
the  prodigy. 

IT  is  an  old  and  true  saying,  that  a  man  should  not  marry 
unless  he  can  support  a  wife,  and,  from  some  examples 
that  we  have  seen,  we  are  beginning  to  doubt  seriously 
whether  a  woman  can  prudently  marry  unless  she  can  sup 
port  a  husband. 


IT  has  been  ill-naturedly  said  that  the  more  prosperous  the 
country  the  louder  the  clamors  of  the  New  England 
mills.     It  would  seem  that  the  panic  is  pretty  effectually 
extinguishing  their  clatter. 


A  LADY  in  Holmes  county,  Mississippi,  hung  herself  a 
short  time  since  from  mortification  on  account  of  her 
husband's  having  been  caught  playing  cards  with  a  negro. 
There  appears  to  have  been  sensibility  enough  for  two  in 
that  family,  but  unfortunately  it  was  all  concentrated  in 
one.  _^ 

KEITT  of  South   Carolina,  we   notice,  is  soaring   aloft 
before  Palmetto  audiences  on  the  "  Study  of  Nature." 
His  constituents  can't  do  better  than  let  him  fly. 


THE  "  Philadelphia  Bulletin  "  inquires  at  some  length  into 
the  "  true  origin  "  of  the  Mormons.    We  think  the  pub 
lic  just  at  present  is  more  particularly  interested  in  their 
true  destiny.     Let  us  kill  the  snake  before   we  count  his 
rattles. 

A  GREAT  many  of  our  people  are  strongly  in  favor  of 
the  liquor  law — all  but  the  law. 


PRENTICEANA 


« 


ON  the   morning  of  the  2d,  two  policemen,  Joseph  Early  and 
Washington  Bright,  were  set  upon  by  a  group  of  ruffian!  in  an 
obscure  part  of  the  city,  though  fortunately  the  scoundrels  got 
the  worst  of  it,  barely  escaping  with  their  lives. — London  paper.   , 
We  wonder  if  these  fellows  were  not  a  little  sorry  that " 
they  waked  up  Bright  and  Early  that  morning. 


THE  "  Memphis  Eagle  "  wants  to  know  how  a  man  can 
"  learn  the  philosophy  of  human  wisdom  and  be  other 
wise  than  honest."     The  process  is  very  simple.     He  has 
only  to  forget  to   put  into  practice  the  wisdom  he  has 
acquired. 

A  DEMOCRATIC  editor  in  the  State  of  -  -  says 
that,  in  Kentucky,  there  are  two  hundred  and  twenty 
idiots  under  the  public  charge.  That's  not  true ;  but  one 
important  difference  between  our  State  and  his  is,  that  in 
the  former,  the  public  have  the  charge  of  idiots,  while  in 
the  latter,  idiots  have  charge  of  the  public. 


A    CANADIAN    paper  mentions  the  marriage  of  Mr. 

•£*  Joseph  Sterling  to  Miss  Anne  Stirling.  Love-strokes 
are  not  usually  severe,  but  this  one,  it  is  plain,  has  knocked 
an  i  out. 


1MIE  editor  of  "  Journal  "  said  he  had  caught  us,  but  he  finds  he 
.  has  caught  it. — Exchange. 
Yes,  we  mistook  your  gender.     We  stand  corrected. 


QOMEBODY  commends  the  moon  as  a  pattern  of  temper 
^  ance,  because  "  the  fuller  she  gets,  the  smaller  her  horns 
bt  come.  He  forgets  that  she  makes  up  for  the  smallness 
of  her  horns  by  taking  them  straight. 


222  PBENTIOEANA. 

fTlHE  "  Democrat  "  says  that  its  political  friends  begin  to 
-*-  show  their  teeth.  Their  under-lips  hangs  so  low  they 
can't  help  it. 


A 


WOMAN"  always  keeps  secret  what  she  does  not  know. — Ex 
change. 
It  is  a  pity  that  all  men  do  not  imitate  her  discretion. 


THE  "  Boston  Courier  "  referring  to  the  financial  crisis, 
says  :    "  Our  New  York  friends  '  brag '  too  much."    We 
are   strongly   of  the   opinion   that   they  "hold  fast"  too 
much. 

fTlHE  admirers  of  Mr.  Banks,  the  Republican  candidate  for 
J-  the  Governorship  of  Massachusetts,  call  him  the  "  iron 
man."  The  result  of  the  pending  canvass  will  certainly 
show  that  he  was  made  to  be  beaten.* 


THE  financial  crisis  is  taken  in  Wall  street  with  wonderful 
coolness.      They   bear  it  there  without   a  particle  of 
feeling. 

»-0-e 

mHOMAS  A.  SAKDIKBUKGr,  the  cashier  of  the  branch  bank  of 
JL  Cape  Fear,  at  Washington,  K  C..  committed  suicide  by  shoot 
ing  himself.  No  cause  is  assigned  for  the  rash  act. — Telegraphic 
Dispatch. 

Perhaps  the  poor  fellow  preferred  shooting  to  suspend 
ing. 

ALOCOFOCO  editor  in  Texas  boasts  that  he  has  made 
something  of  his  party  in  that  quarter.     He  must  be  a 
near  relative  of  the  woman  who  made  a  pound  of  butter 
from  the  cream  of  a  joke. 

*  Mr.  Banks  was  elected  nevertheless. 


PKENTICEANA.  223 

THE  Whisky  Root  is  the  name  of  a  species  of  cactus 
found  in  Mexico,  which  when  eaten  is  said  to  produce 
the  same  effect  as  alcoholic  drinks.  One  has  only  to  bite 
off  and  swallow  a  piece  to  experience  all  the  effects  of  the 
most  unquestionable  intoxication.  If  this  root  should  come 
into  general  use,  the  facility  of  taking  ".nips"  would  be 
greatly  increased. 

A  WOMAN  in  Florida,  named  Cross,  lately  gave  birth  to 
an  infant  son  which  weighed  only  one  pound.      That 
Cross  wasn't  hard  to  bear. 


A  N"  exchange  says  that  Mr. has  lost  his  heart  to  a 

•£*•  beautiful  girl.     He  may  have  lost  his  heart  to  an  angel, 
but  he  has  lost  his  soul  to  the  devil. 


TWO  men,  Joseph  Sparks  and  Oscar  Flint,  were  assailed 
in  the  suburbs  of  Baltimore,  a  few  nights  ago,  by  a  gang 
of  shoulder-hitters.     Flint  was  knocked  down,  but  his  com 
panion  escaped  by  flight.     When  the  scoundrels  hit  Flint, 
.Sparks  flew.  

A  N  impertinent  editor  in  Alabama  wants  to  know  when 
•*•*•  we  "  intend  to  pay  the  '  debt  of  nature  ?'  "  We  are 
inclined  to  think  that  when  nature  gets  her  dues  from  him 
it  will  be  by  an  execution. 


are  in  favor  of  toleration,  but  it  is  a  very  difficult 
thing  to  tolerate  the  intolerant  and  impossible  to  tole 
rate  the  intolerable. 


MR.^G.  A.  Banks,  an  editor  in  Arkansas,  publishes  a  long 
article  giving  an  account  of  an  attempt  of  a  neighbor  to 
"  gouge  "  him.     "  Gouge  on  Banking  "  was  published  sev 
eral  years  ago,  and  now  we  have  Banks  on  gouging. 


224:  PKEXTIOEANA. 

THE    editor    of  the talks  about  people's  being 
"  afflicted  with  the  epidemic  of  honesty."     When  such 
an  epidemic  is  raging,  he  had  better  look  out,  for,  even  if, 
like  the  small-pox,  it  can  attack  the  same  system  but  once, 
we  fear  Tie  is  still  liable. 


A  WASHINGTON  correspondent  of  the  "  Boston  Cou 
rier,"    says   "  these  are  musical   times   among   certain 
politicians  at  the  Capital."     We  understand  that  there  have 
been  a  good  many  overtures  among  them — though  none  as 
yet  for  the  public  ear. 

EO.  DEVLIN,  a  drunken  fellow  in  Maine,  has  lodged  a 
complaint  against  his  wife  for  playing  practical  jokes  on 
him  when  he  is  intoxicated.  The  lady  had  better  quit  her 
Devlin. 


A  SOUTHERN   paper   says  that   the  administration   is 
resolved  "  to  lay  the  axe  at  the  root  of  the  credit  sys 
tem."    It  has  begun  by  laying  the  axe  at  the  root  of  its  own 
credit. 

A  TAPE-WORM,    said  to   be  seventy   feet   long,   was 
removed  from   Mr.  J.  Gear,  of  Hartford,  last  week. 
Mr.  Gear  had  been  ill  for  some  time.     Mr.  Gear  was  out  of 
gear  because  the  worm  wasn't. 


THE  newspapers  give  us  an  account  of  a  child's  dying  from 
having  a  full-grown  mouse  in  its  stomach.     How  can  the 
U.  S.  Government  be  expected  to  live  four  years  with  ten 
thousand  overgrown  rats  in  its  abdomen  ? 


THE  Democrats  say  that  the  country  has  a  very  great 
treasure  in  Mr.  Cobb,  but  she  certainly  has  none  in  the 
Treasury  he  presides  over. 


PRENTICEANA.  225 

AN  occasional  dealer  in  verses,  who  has  taken  the  "  Jour 
nal  "  a  number  of  years  without  paying  for  it,  asks  if 
we  have  not  something  of  his  in  our  office.     We  ask  in  turn 
if  he  has  not  something  of  ours  in  his  pocket. 


A  DEMOCRATIC  gentleman  in  Arkansas  has  abandoned 
•*-*•  the  editorship  of  a  paper  and  gone  to  mule-raising.  He 
would  probably  do  a  bigger  business  in  raising  horse-colts, 
for  he  was  always  remarkable  for  finding  mare's  nests. 


fFHERE  is  a  Sag-Nichts  editor  in  Mississippi,  very  dirty  in 
J-  his  personal  habits,  who  never  holds  a  political  opinion 
twenty-four  hours.  He  shifts  oftener  than  he  shirts. 


T1HE  "Richmond  South"  says  that  Mr.  Douglas  has 
-*-  shown  the  cloven  foot.  Every  Buchanan  senator,  that 
has  stood  within  the  sweep  of  the  Little  Giant's  broad 
sword,  has  shown  a  cloven  head. 


FRED  DOUGLASS,  the  negro  orator,  is  publishing  state 
ments  as  to  alleged  occurrences  in  the  South.     Fred's 
statements,  like  himself,  are  colored. 


A  DEMOCRATIC  lady,  who  has  written  to  us  from  a 
•^  distance,  professes  to  have  too  much  delicacy  to  read 
our  paper.  We  suppose  it  is  because  she  sees  a  naked 
truth  in  every  paragraph. 


"  Southern  Mercury "  speaks  of  its  party  as  "  the 
heavy-handed     Democracy."      They   may   be    heavy- 
handed,  but  when  they  have  been  within  arm's  length  of  tho 
public  spoils,  they  have  shown  themselves  light-fingered. 


226  PRENTICEANA. 

A  DYING  man  upon  the  gallows  lately  affirmed  that  the  first 
step  in  his  career  of  crime  was  that  of  not  paying  for  a  news 
paper. — Exchange. 

If  it  was  a  locofoco  newspaper,  the  fellow's  first  step  in 
the  career  of  crime  was  taking  it,  and  the  second  not  pay 
ing  for  it. 

AN  exchange  says  that  Gen.  Santa  Anna  is  in  Havana, 
"  hatching  out  a  filibustering  scheme  against  Mexico." 
We  doubt  if  as  yet  the  one-legged  intriguer  has  thoroughly 
succeeded  in  laying  his  scheme. 


A  WASHINGTON  correspondent  says  that  Mr.  J.  B.  C.'s 
manner  of  speaking  is  "  imposing."      In   one  respect 
this  is  true.     His  manner  excites  hopes  which  his  matter 
extinguishes. 

HENRY  CLAY  PATE  seems  anxious  to  render  himself 
as   obnoxious   as  possible   to   the  Free  State  men  of 
Kansas.     In  the  event  of  a  future  hostile  collision  between 
the  two  parties  in  that  Territorry,  the  Lecomptonites  will 
be  very  likely  to  get  their  Pate  broken  at  the  start. 


A  BUFFALO  paper  announces  that  Dr.  Brandreth  has 
introduced  a  bill  into  the  Legislature.     Is  the  editor 
sure  that  he  minded  his  p's  in  his  announcement  ? 


T  ONGFELLOW  says  that  "  Art  is  long  and  time  is  fleet- 
-LJ  ing."  Time  took  wing  before  Art  began,  and,  "fleet 
ing  "  as  it  is,  we  have  a  notion  that  it  will  be  on  the  wing, 
a  tireless  wing,  when  Art  is  ended. 


THE  editor  of  a  small  but  sharp  sheet  in  Pennsylvania  says 
that  his  "paper   has  just  been   knocked  into  pi."     It 
always  was  a  little  tart. 


PEENTIOEANA.  227 

OUR   Cincinnati  friends  were   lately   set   all  agog  by  a 
"  golden  wedding."     It  no  doubt  was  a  very  splendid 
affair,  but  golden  weddings  are  common  with  us.     Indeed, 
the  majority  of  our  beaus  and  belles  are  decidedly  opposed 
to  any  other  sort.  

4  LADY  correspondent,  who  professes  to  be  horrified  at 
-£*•  the  indelicacy  of  our  paper,  threatens  for  the  future  to 
set  her  foot  on  every  copy  she  sees.  She  had  better  not. 
Our  paper  has  Vs  in  it. 

A  STUPID  lawyer  in  Illinois  got  thrashed  in  a  fist-fight 
the  other  day.     The  pettifogger  made  as  bad  a  "  fist " 
at  his  antagonist  as  he  makes  at  the  law. 


T  EYI J.  NORTH,  the  great  circus  rider,  is  the  Democratic 
•^  candidate  for  alderman  in  the  third  ward  of  Chicago. 
We  presume  he  was  selected  on  account  of  his  well-known 
skill  in  riding  two  horses  at  once. 


AN  English  paper  says  that  a  superbly  ornamented  whip 
was  one  of  the  presents  made  to  the  Princess  Royal  of 
England  on  her  late  wedding  day.  We  are  not  told 
whether  the  bridegroom,  upon  the  making  of  that  suspicious 
present  to  his  royal  bride,  looked  scared  or  not.  The 
richest  part  of  the  whip  was  the  butt — so  we  presume  she 
will  give  her  spouse  the  other  end,  if  either. 


C\  OY.  WISE  is  said  to  object  to  the  horse  in  Crawford's  equestrian 
\T  statue  of  Washington,  recently  placed  upon  a  pedestal  at  Rich 
mond.  The  Governor  says  "  It  is  neither  horse,  mule,  nor  jack 
ass.'  ' — Exchange. 

If  the  Governor  is  right,  Mr.  Crawford's  horse  is  among 
quadrupeds  pretty  much  what  the  Governor  himself  is 
among  politicians. 


228  PKENTICEANA. 

V'ICARAGUA  and  the  United  States  are  two  very  unfor- 
•"  tunate  countries.  The  former  has  had  her  President 
kidnapped  and  the  latter  hasn't.  We  don't  know  which  is 
entitled  to  the  more  condolence. 


TT7"HY  was  Pharaoh's    daughter  like  the   Cincinnati  brokers? 
VV  Because  she  got  a  little  prophet  from  the  rushes  on  the  banks. 
— Exchange. 

We  think  she  would  have  been  decidedly  more  like  them 
if  she  had  got  a  big  one. 

•  *~*~* 

ANEW  YORK  paper  says,  that  in  a  certain  section  of 
that  city,  the  people  are  growling  a  good  deal.     We 
suspect  there  must  be  a  sausage  market  in  their  neighbor 
hood. 

»-•-« — 

IF  a  man  publishes  his  biography,  let  him  get  as  much  as 
he  can  for  it.     He  has  a  right  to  sell  his  life  as  dearly  as 
possible. 

A  DEMOCRATIC  paper  of  the  North,  which  supports 
Buchanan  and  Lecompton,  says  that  the  Kansas  diffi 
culty  "  is,  without  exception,  the  most  miserable  exigency 
in  which  the  Democratic  party  ever  found  itself."  If  this 
is  so,  Mr.  Buchanan's  friends  may  boast  that  he  is  exactly 
"  equal  to  the  exigency." 


A  CCORDING  to  one  Washington  correspondent,  Grow 
«"•  struck  Keitt  twice  in  the  face.  First  the  eyes  had  it, 
and  then  the  nose. 


A  MINNESOTA  paper  says  that  wolves  are  abundant  in 
that  territory.     Broadcloth  must  be  in  demand  there  if 
their  wolves,  like  a  good  many  of  ours,  are  in  the  habit  of 
•wearing  sheep's  cl^thi^T. 


PRENTICEANA.  229 

T"  ET  the  wheels  of  a  railroad  train  run  over  your  dimes 
-LJ  and  quarters  and  halves,  and  there  will  be  an  expanded 
currency  ;  let  them  pass  over  a  ten-dollar  gold  piece,  and 
you  will  have  a  spread  eagle. 


4  LL  the  women  of  the  villages  on  the  shore  of  the  Gulf 
-£*•  of  Mexico  are  in  the  habit  of  swimming.  The  young 
ladies  are  all  diving-belles. 


TT  may  be  a  question  not  easy  to  decide  whether  an  indi- 
-*-  vidual,  entitled  to  no  sort  of  respect,  has  a  right  to 
respect  himself. 

OUR  neighbor  of  the  "Democrat,"  having  thrown  off  the 
fetters  of  party  in  regard  to  one  subject,  is  evidently 
disposed  to  express  himself  freely  on  several  others.  He 
experiences  something  of  the  sweets  of  liberty  confessed  by 
the  girl  who  had  lost  her  beaus  :  "  Sal,  I  am  so  glad  I  have 
no  beaus  now !"  "  Why  ?"  "  'Cause  I  can  eat  as  many 
onions  as  I  please." 

MORE  than  twenty  years  ago  we  met  a  handsome  young 
gentleman  who  was  a  zealous  Whig.     Last  week  we 
mat  him  in  Washington,  an  old  wrinkled  locofoco.     We 
were  not  a  little  puzzled  to  decide  whether  Time  had  most 
injured  his  beauty  or  his  politics. 


"T1THAT  is  the  chief  end  of  an  Alderman  ? — New  York  Paper. 

It  would  probably  be  much  more  easy  than  polite  to  say 
what  is  the  "  chief  end  "  of  those  well-fed  functionaries. 


A    CINCINNATI    paper    says    that   "rogues    find    no 
quarter  "  there.   Probably  that's  so.   They  might  search 
half  the  pockets  in  the  place  and  find  "no  quarter." 


t 

230  PEENTICEANA. 

A  CORRESPONDENT  of  the  "  New  York  Journal  of 
Commerce,"  advocating  the  increase  of  the  army,  says 
that  "  we  already  have  seen  in  this  Republic  the  necessity 
of  physical  law."     Yes,  we  have  found  the  law  of  gravita 
tion  especially  indispensable. 


IN"  a  recent  criminal  trial  in  Texas,  a  certain  Gen.  Rule 
took  it  in  high  dudgeon  because  he  was  challenged  by 
the  Commonwealth's  attorney.     The  sensitive  gentleman 
ought  to  have  remembered  that  there  are  "  exceptions  to 
all  Rules." 

IN"  reading  the  trashy  and  sophistical  speeches  of  the  lead 
ing  Lecomptonites  in  Congress,  we  are  reminded  of  the 
old  Quaker  lady's   quiet   response  to  a  palavering  store 
keeper  :  "  Friend,  what  a  pity  it  is  a  sin  to  lie,  when  it 

seems  so  necessary  to  thy  business." 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Washington  Union  "  says  that  he 
always  makes  a  point  of  doing  his  duty.     We  certainly 
never  heard  of  his  doing  his  duty  when  he  couldn't  make  a 
point  of  it. 

A  FUNNY  correspondent  of  a  western  paper  says  that 
he  has  tried  fifty  different  avocations  within  the  last 
year  and  expects  to  try  twice  as  many  next  year.     He  is  as 
bad  as  a  postage-stamp.     He  can't  stick  to  anything. 


THE  editor  of  an  eastern  paper,  in  an  article  intended  to 
evince  great  profundity  of  speculation,  wants  to  know 
"  if  a  man  falling  from  the  clouds  would  expire  before 
reaching  the  ground."  Very  likely  he  would,  sir.  If  you 
were  to  undergo  such  a  tumble,  it  is  highly  probable,  not 
withstanding  your  large  experience  in  tumbling,  that  the 
devil  would  get  your  soul  before  the  earth  got  your  body. 


PKENTICEANA.  231 

THE  editor  who  uses  weak  arguments  and  strong  epithets 
makes  as  great  a  mistake  as  the  landlady,  who  furnishes 
weak  tea  and  strong  butter. 


HOIST.  S.  S.  COX,  Kepresentative  from  Ohio,  says  that  those  who 
undertake   to   read   out    the   western    Democrats    opposing 
Lecompton  "might  as  well  try  to  read  the  hickories  out  of  the  west 
ern  woods" — Exchange. 

If  the  anti-Lecompton  Democrats  cannot  be  read  out  of 
the  Democratic  party,  the  office-holding  portion  of  them 
can  at  least,  in  these  days  of  guillotining,  be  axed  out  of 
office.  And  so  the  hickories  can  be  axed  out  of  the  west 
ern  woods. 

A  VALUED  friend  sends  us  a  small  club  of  subscribers 
from  an  intensely  locofoco  neighborhood  in  Illinois, 
with  the  assurance  that  he  might  possibly  increase  the  list, 
if  we  think  the  effort  worth  while.  Certainly  we  think  it 
worth  while.  Intensely  locofoco  neighborhoods  are  the 
places  above  all  others  where  we  wish  our  paper  to  circu 
late  largely.  "  Sambo,"  said  a  clergyman,  distracted  by 
the  multiplicity  of  his  "  calls,"  to  his  old  negro  servant, 
"  where  shall  I  go  ?"  "  Massa,  go  where  de  most  debbil." 


TOHN  MITCHEL  says,  in  his  "  Southern  Citizen,"  that 
d  this  country  "  needs  a  rattling  war."  She  certainly 
does  not  need  any  more  rattling  Irishmen. 


A  DUBLIN  editor  says  that  "  Buffaloes  are  peculiarly  an- 
-£*•  American  animal."  Bulls  are  as  peculiarly  an  Irish 
production. 

THE  two  sections  of  the  Democracy  seem  at  present  to 
devote  their  whole   time  to  reading.     Their   reading, 
however,  does  not  seem  to  take  a  very  wide  range.     They 
are  simply  reading  each  other  out  of  the  Democratic  party. 


232 


PEENTICEANA 


TT  seems  to  be  a  subject  of  doubt  among  the  quid  nuncs 
L  at  Washington  whether  Mr.  Buchanan  will  die  or  resign. 
We  think  he  will  do  neither — which  is  decidedly  worse 
than  either. 


TF  there  shall  be  any  more  fights  in  the  Capitol,  the 
•*•  United  States  will  soon  get  to  be  talked  of  among  all 
civilized  nations  as  "  keeping  a  disreputable  house." 


A  LECOMPTON  editor  says  that  he  would  rather  have 
•"•  oranges  shot  by  Capt.  Travis  from  a  post  or  from  a 
cabbage-head  than  his  own.  Probably  the  impartial  public 
would  have  very  little  choice  in  the  matter,  and  see  very 
little  difference  in  the  cases. 


AN  English  writer  says  that  the  American  ladies  of  the 
present   day   feel  or  affect  a  spirit  of  independence. 
We  certainly   have   seen,  at  fashionable   parties,   many  a 
lady,  who,  we  thought,  might  very  appropriately   recite 
Smollett's  fine  lines  to  Independence : 

"  Thy  spirit,  Independence,  let  me  share, 
Lord  of  the  lion  heart  and  eagle-eye, 
Thy  steps  I  follow  with  my  bosom  bare." 


TT7E  see  that  a  couple  of  very  terrible  South  Carolina 
i*     editors  went  out  to  fight  a  duel;  but  Mr.  A.  backed 
half  out,  and  Mr.  C.  t'other  half.     They  may  be  great  at 
eating  fire,  but  they  can't  stand  it. 


MR.  STONE,  of  the  "  Texas  Ranger,"  writes  a  furious 
paragraph  against  a  neighbor  of  his,   charging  him, 
among  other  things,  with  having  the  hydrophobia.     If  the 
neighbor  really  has  the  hydrophobia,  this  is  a  good  opportu 
nity  to  see  whether  the  "  mad  Stone  "  will  cure  it. 


PEENTICEANA.  233 

1I7E  have  received  several  long  communications  upon  the 
'»     subject  of  the  Ohio  River.     However  interesting  in 
themselveSj  they  are  upon  a  dry  subject. 


IF  young  fellows  are  a  great  deal  readier  to  volunteer  to 
go  and  fight  men  who  have  fifty  wives  apiece  than  those 
that  have  only  one  apiece,  what  are  we  to  infer — that  they 
are  after  the  men  or  the  women  ? 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Washington  Union  "  'says  that  he  and 
his  friends  keep  step  to  the  music  of  the  Union.     They 
keep  truer  step  to  the  jingle  of  Uncle  Sam's  pocket. 


L  have  to  bear  the  responsibility,"  said  a  mother 
to  a  bright-eyed  daughter,  who  thought  of  marrying 
without  the  maternal  approbation.  "  I  expect  to  bear  seve 
ral,  ma." 

»-o  • 

ANEW  ORLEANS  paper  eulogizes  the  marble  statue 
of  a  beautiful  female  as  "  neat,  chaste,  and  classical." 
We  suppose  that  all  marble  women  are  chaste. 


A  LATE  biography  of  Mr.  Buchanan  says  that  he  is  but 
-ft-  sixty-eight  years  of  age.  He  is  74,  though  he  isn't  a 
man  of  war. 


* 


OENATOR  GREEN,  in  his  last  speech,  undertook  to  make 
^  "  five  points."  They  were  about  as  respectable  as  the 
place  of  that  name  in  New  York. 


A 


CINCINNATI  paper  says  of  Senator  Pugh,  that  "  the 
truth  isn't  in  him."     It  is  very  sure  the  truth  never 
gets  into  such  a  strange  Pugh. 


234:  PRENTICEANA. 

THE  "  Portland  Advertiser "  asks  whether  certain  mem 
bers  of  Congress  must  not  feel  a  consciousness  of  crime 
when  they  have  the  government  charged  with  the  articles 
they  take  to  furnish  the  boudoirs  of  their  wives  and  sweet 
hearts.  We  don't  suppose  they  take  time  to  consult  their 
consciences  about  such  matters.  "  Dick,  ain't  it  wicked  to 
rob  dis  chicken-roost?"  "Dat's  a  great  moral  question, 
Gumbo,  we  ain't  time  to  argue  it  now ;  hand  down  another 
pullet."  __ 

A  MINNESOTA  paper  speaks  of  a  lady  in  that  State  who 
has  had  twenty-one  children.     This  augurs  well  for  the 
population  of  the  new  State.     But  we  think  that,  however 
good  the  health  of  the  lady  in  question  may  be,  her  physi 
cian  ought  to  advise  a  cessation  of  labor. 


A  BRITISH  paper  revives   Cowper's  boast  that  "  slaves 
cannot  breathe  in  England."     It  is  quite  as  much  as 
strong-lunged  white  men   can   do — in   such  a  foggy 
dismal  atmosphere. 


AN  Alabama  paper  calls  the  Southern  National  Conven 
tion  "  a  grave  body."     And  yet  thousands  are  laughing 
at  it.     However  grave  it  may  be,  it  upsets  the  gravity  of 
others. 

MR.  FOLEY,  who  represents  in  Congress  the  literature 
of  Indiana  locofocoism,  is  sightly  too  sparing  of  his  o's 
in  the  spelling  of  his  name. 


A  BOSTON  artist  has  made  a  handsome  drawing  of  a 
•£*•  cork-tree  for  one  of  the  pictorial  newspapers.  Perhaps 
he  is  the  first  artist  that  has  drawn  an  entire  cork-tree,  but 
we  know  many  a  one  that  has  probably  drawn  more  corks 
than  an  entire  tree  would  make. 


PKENTICEANA.  235 

^T  ALWAYS  pick  my  company,"  said  a  suspicious  char- 
-*-  acter,  turning  from  a  company  of  gentlemen  to  whom 
he     saw    he    was    disagreeable.      "Arid     their    pockets, 
too,  when  you  get  a  chance,"  replied  one  of  them. 


A  CITY  paper  says  that  Capt.  Travis  will  give  satisfac- 
•"•  tion  to  all  who  visit  his  pistol  gallery.  We  don't 
think  many  of  them  will  demand  it. 


AN   Ohio   editor   complains   that  he   has   got   his  hand 
"  badly  burnt."     We  suppose  that  his  editorials  may 
hereafter  be  considered  as  coming  from  a  raw  hand. 


A  VILLAIN  generally  plays  the  coward,  as  if  he   sup 
posed  that  the  blackness  of  his  heart  might  be  redeemed 
by  the  whiteness  of  his  liver. 


A  MAN'S  mouth   is  made  to  talk  and  eat,  yet  he  often 
hurts  himself  dreadfully  by  talking,  and  kills  himself  by 
eating. 

A  DISTINGUISHED  writer  says  that  "  nothing  can  be 
great  which  is  not  right."     Will  he  tell  us  what   he 
thinks  of  a  great  wrong  ? 

AMORAL  writer  says  that  every  puff  of  wind  has  its  use. 
Some  people's  breath  is  an  exception. 


JOHN  MITCHEL,  the  Irishman,  is  anxious  that  some 
s'  thing  should  be  done  immediately  to  stop  the  free 
speech  of  the  Hon.  John  Bell  in  the  U.  S.  Senate.  He  is 
not  the  only  political  miscreant  disposed  to  cry  out  with 
Macbeth,  "  stop  that  dreadful  Bell." 

9 


236  PRENTIOEANA. 


IT, 


doubt  the  most  immoral  of  musicians  is  a  fiddler  ;  he  is 
engaged  in  more  scrapes  than  all  the  rest  put  together. 


A 


GREAT  many  gentlemen,   if  they  happen  to  see   a 
widow  in  weeds,  are  disposed  to  cultivate  her. 


A  1ST  Alabama  editor  says,  "  we  earnestly  believe  that  the 
great  Democratic  party  has  all  along  been  an  instru 
ment  in  God's  hand  for  the  preservation  of  human  liberty." 
The  instrument,  whatever  the  Lord  may  have  used  it  for, 
is  certainly  broken  in  two  now,  and  we  don't  think  he  will 
take  the  trouble  either  to  mend  it  or  make  another  like  it. 


THE  "  Vicksburg  Whig  "  says  that  a  couple  of  gentlemen 
went  over  the  river  there  to  fight  a  duel,  but,  "  not 
being  able  to  agree,  returned  home."  It  is  a  very  common 
thing  for  men  to  fight  because  they  can't  agree,  but  it 
seems  a  little  queer  that  a  couple  of  fellows  should,  for  that 
reason,  refuse  to  fight. 

A  LONDON"  correspondent  of  the  "Evening  Post"  says 
that  "  the  last  Punch  makes  many  suggestions  to  the 
ladies,  some  of  them  very  good  ones."  When  gentlemen 
take  half  a  dozen  punches,  the  last  one  generally  makes 
a  great  many  suggestions  to  them,  but  more  bad  ones  than 
good. 

MRS.  SWISSHELM  denounces  kissing  at  social  country 
parties.  She  never  denounced  it  when  she  was  young 
and  her  lips  were  attractive.  How  very  proper  these  old 
ladies  get  to  be !  Why  should  not  the  recollections  of  their 
own  youth  teach  them  to  have  some  sympathy  with  us 
young  folk  ? 


PRENTICEANA.  237 

A  CHIC  AGO    paper,  in  view  of  the  expected  conflict 
with  the  Mormons,  says  somewhat  poetically  that  "  Old 
war  is  about  to  raise  his  horrid  front  in  our  land."     But 
this  Utah  affair  is  not  an  "  Old  War."     It  is  a  Young  war. 


WE  like   the   one   hour  rule   in   Congress.     A  sensible 
man  can  discuss  any  subject  in  an  hour,  and  an  hour 
is  too  much  to  listen  to  a  fool. 


IT  is  said  to  be  an  established  fact  that  all  sorts  of  brute 
animals  attach  themselves  more  readily  to  men  than  to 
women.     We  hardly  know  to  which  of  the  sexes  this  pre 
ference  is  a  compliment. 


\7~OUNG-  gentlemen  of  poetic  temperament  should  remember  that 
JL  polkas,  waltzes,  and  other  similar  institutions  were  not  in 
vented  to  give  opportunity  to  hug  the  ladies,  but  as  a  means  to 
display  grace,  agility,  power  of  endurance,  etc. — Exchange. 

We  don't  believe  one  word  of  that.  We  have  never 
doubted  that  polkas,  waltzes,  etc.,  were  invented  expressly 
to  give  opportunity  to  hug  the  ladies,  and,  that  they  will  be 
superseded  as  soon  as  some  new  dance  shall  be  got  up 
affording  a  chance  for  closer  hugging  and  more  of  it.  We 
are  entirely  uninformed  as  to  whether  the  ingenious  invent 
ors  of  polkas,  waltzes,  etc.  etc.,  were  gentlemen  or  ladies. 
We  have  our  suspicions  though. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Memphis  Avalanche,"  in  reply  to  a 
paragraph  of  ours  about  the  probable  necessity  of  hang 
ing  a  few  southern  fire-eaters,  says  he  would  inform  the 
<;  Journal"  that  the  lovers  of  southern  soil,  that  is  the  fire- 
eaters,  "intend  to  do  some  hanging  themselves."  Well,  let 
them  do  as  much  in  the  way  of  "hanging  themselves"  as 
they  like.  In  that  case,  the  last  act  of  their  lives  will  be 
the  best. 


238  PBENTICEANA. 

THE  course  of  Senator  Green,  of  Missouri,  is  unquestion 
ably  disapproved  by  a  large  majority  of  the  people  of 
that  State.     He  will  disappear  from  the  public  service  as 
soon  as  his  constituents  can  get  him  out.     Thenceforth  he 
will  be  "  Invisible  Green." 


A  DEMOCRATIC  editor  in  Illinois,  whom  we  will  not 
name,  received  a  new  impulse  the  other  day.      He  was 
shockingly  kicked.     He  swears,  however,  that  he  will  "  still 
stand  erect."     We  suppose  he  will  stand   up   because  it 
hurts  him  to  sit  down. 


TUDAS  ISCARIOT,  after  playing  the  traitor,  went  and 
«J  hung  himself.  Unfortunately  for  the  country,  our 
modern  traitors  are  satisfied  to  imitate  one  part  of  his  ex 
ample  and  stop  short  of  the  other. 


fTlHE  English  papers  speak  of  the  daughter  of  an  old  miser 
J-  named  Grubb,  who  lately  married  and  is  exciting  quite 
a  sensation  in  the  fashionable  world.  Nothing  is  more  natu 
ral  than  that  in  ceasing  to  be  a  Grubb  she  should  become  a 
butterfly. 

HHHE  editor  of  the  "  Western  Argus  "  says  that  he  never 
J-  flatters  public  sentiment.  We  don't  see  why  he  should. 
Public  sentiment  was  never  at  all  flattering  to  him. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Cincinnati  Enquirer  "  complains  that 
a  dictionary  has  been  stolen  from  his  table.     We  hope 
it  will  do  the  thief  more  good  than  it  ever  did  the  honest 
man. 

THE  "  Scientific  American  "  says,  in  an  article  upon  ser 
pents,  that  a  female  adder  has  fifty  young  ones  every 
year.     It  seems  then  that  the  adder  is  a  great  multiplier. 


P  R  E  N  T  I  C  EAN  A. 


TT  is  said  that  "  an  honest  man  is  believed  without  an  oath, 
A-  because  his  reputation  swears  for  him."  It  may  be 
ndded  that  a  dishonest  man  is  not  believed  with  an  oath, 
for  his  reputation  swears  at  him. 


of  the  Louisville  printing  offices  seems  to  be  a  poul 
try-pen.     The  editor  says,  "An  egg  was  laid  on  our 
table  yesterday." 

¥E  saw  an  accomplished  surgeon  cutting  a  swell  the  other 
day.     It  must  have  weighed  about  a  pound,  and  the 
operation  was  performed  with  complete  success. 


TT  is  said  that  Mr.  Hackney,  the  late  Democratic  door- 
-i-  keeper  of  the  House  of  Representatives,  peculated  during 
his  brief  term  of  office  to  the  amount  of  thousands.  This 
'•Hackney"  wasn't  a  "  slow  coach." 


Democratic  papers  think  that  we  can  never  succeed 
•*•  in  Kentucky  because  we  failed  of  success  in  the  last 
election.  The  Disciples  were  no  doubt  capital  fishermen, 
but  they  fished  all  one  night,  and  it  is  recorded  of  them, 
"  And  that  night  they  caught  nothing." 


A  DEMOCRATIC   editor   of  Indiana  predicts  that  we 
shall  support  Mr.  Buchanan  in  1860.     We   expect  to 
give  him  a  very  vigorous  support  for  the  ex-Presidency. 


A 


LOUISVILLE  correspondent  of  the  "New  Orleans 
Courier  "  says  that  a  great  many  parties  are  given  in 
this  city.  We  wish  somebody  would  give  one  to  our  neigh 
bor  of  the  "  Democrat."  He  has  been  without  a  party  for 
some  months  past. 


240  PEENTICEANA. 

MRS.  A.  PRATT  of  Philadelphia,  aged  seventy-five,  has 
married  a  young  man  named  Lamb.     One  would  think 
that  she  is  old  enough  to  desire  peace  and  quiet  instead  of 
having  a  bed-Lamb  always  about  her. 


"DRIGHAM  YOUNG,  in  one  of  his  late  sermons,  gives  a 
-D  curious  account  of  his  travelling  four  hundred  miles  by 
stage  in  1839,  starting  with  only  $13  50  in  his  pocket.  He 
states  that,  at  every  point  where  he  had  expenses  to  pay,  he 
found  his  pocket,  on  putting  his  hand  into  it,  mysteriously 
and  miraculously  replenished.  Is  he  quite  sure  that  it  was 
always  his  own  pocket  he  got  his  hand  into  ? 


~1\  /TEN"  and  women  who  read  a  great  many  light  and  super- 
•"-*-  ficial  works  will  have  a  mere  mass  of  crude  and  worth 
less  knowledge,  unless  they  also  read  books  filled  with  stern, 
strong,  hard  thought.  The  birds  have  to  pick  up  pebble 
stones  to  aid  the  digestion  of  the  softer  contents  of  their 

craws. 

— •-•-• — 

THE  mug  of  a  fool  is  known  by  there  being  nothing  in  it.— Ex 
change. 

There  are  a  good  many  fools  whose  mugs  are  frequently 
filled  and  as  frequently  emptied. 


SOME  persons,  after  becoming  so  bad  that  they  can't 
expect  to  get  to  Heaven,  seem  to  rest  all  their  hopes 
upon  making  themselves  so  much  worse  that  the  devil  won't 

take  them. 

•-+-• — 

ARCHBISHOP  HUGHES,  in  instituting  against  the 
A  editor  of  the  "Albany  Statesman,"  Mr.  James  B. 
Swain,  a  suit  of  libel,  has  put  his  damages  enormously  high. 
If  the  editor  is  able  to  pay  them,  he  must  have  been  like 
Norval's  father,  "  a  frugal  Swain." 


PKENTICEANA.  24:1 

IN"  Newburyport,  a  few  days  ago,  a  man  of  but  ordinary 
stature   knocked  down  an  elephant.      He  was  an  auc 
tioneer. 

AN  old  friend  in  Indiana  writes  us  a  letter  in  which  he 
mentions  two  remarkable  day's  works,  one  in  spinning 
and  the    other  in  weaving,  performed   by   his  daughter 
Patience.     She  is  a  smart  girl.     If  any  fine  young  fellow  in 
that  neighborhood  wants  a  capital  wife,  we  say  to  him,  have 

Patience. 

»-*-• 

A  FRIEND  of  ours  says  he  would  have  always  remained  single, 
but  he  could  not  afford  it.     What  it  cost  for  gals  and  concert- 
tickets  is  more  than  he  now  pays  to  bring  up  a  wife  and  eight  chil 
dren. — Exchange. 

But  wouldn't  his  expense  be  still  less,  if,  instead  of  bring 
ing  up  a  wife,  he  were  to  marry  one  already  brought  up  ? 


DRUNKEN  father  undertook  to  chastise  an  undutiful 
son,  nearly  as  large  as  himself,  in  the  Second  Ward,  on 

the  4th  of  July,  but  fell  suddenly  down — prostrated  by  a 

son-stroke. 

M    BELLY  avows  his  determination  to  have  the  United 
•  States  held  to  a  terrible  responsibility.     He  hasn't  a 
single  bowel  of  compassion  in  him. 


FROM  the  days  of  the  poet  Job  down  to  Socrates  and  Xantippe, 
and  so  on  down  to  Byron,  and  finally  to  Dickens,  matrimonial 
unhappiness  has  ever  attached  to  literary  men. — Exchange. 

We  have  never  seen  any  evidence  that  Job  was  a  poet. 
Indeed  the  evidence  seems  to  us  strongly  the  other  way. 
.Job  is  represented  to  have  been  the  most  patient  of  men, 
and  we  have  never  known  poets  of  either  gender  at  all 
remarkable  for  their  patience. 

11 


242  PEENTIOEANA. 

A  DEMOCRATIC  editor  in  Kentucky  charges  that  the 
•£*•  American  papers  are  getting  less  and  less  decent.  The 
fact  is  they  paint  truly  the  features  of  the  Sag-Nichts  party, 
and  that  party  is  getting  uglier  and  uglier.  "  A  plague  on 
this  looking-glass !"  exclaimed  a  forlorn  old  maid ;  "  looking- 
glasses  are  a  thousand  times  meaner  now  than  they  were 
twenty  years  ago !" 

A  LADY  named  Temple,  who  is  well  known  in  the  fashionable 
regions  in  Belgravia,  has  discovered  a  remedy  for  stuttering. 
It  is  simply  the  act  of  reading  in  a  whisper,  and  gradually  augment 
ing  the  whisper  to  a  louder  tone.— London  Paper. 

We  suppose  talking  in  a  whisper  would  do  just  as  well, 
and  it  wouldn't  be  an  unpleasant  remedy  if  the  patient 
found  himself  seated  beside  a  lovely  and  romantic  girl. 


I 


T  is  said  to  be  a  fact  that  nearly  every  woman  in  the  city  has  one 
or  more  "skeletons"  in  her  closet. — Boston  Post. 

The  skeletons  of  murdered  husbands,  we  suppose.  What 
a  terrible  set  of  females  the  Boston  women  must  be — to 
murder  their  husbands  and  refuse  them  Christian  burial ! 


A  RHYMER  writes  to  us  that  he  incloses  some  of  his 
pieces,  and  asks  if  we  would  "like  to  have  a  "few  such 
lays."    We  would  much  rather  have  a  hen's. 


AN  Auburn  paper  praises  very  highly  a  new  lock  said  to 
have  been  got  up  in  that  city.      Auburn  locks  have 
always  been  admired. 

A  SCURRILOUS  correspondent  of  a  New  Orleans  paper 
R-  says  that  Gen.  Scott  has  no  heart.  Perhaps  that  writer 
thinks  that  the  old  hero  is  all  pluck. 


PRENTICEANA.  24:3 

THE  Illinois  Democrat  boasts  that  an  American,  named 
Fitz  Hubert,  has  joined  the  Democracy.     "We  have  no 
objection  to  giving  them  Fitz. 


IT  is  said  that  M.  Belly  has  not  money  enough  to  prose- 
P.ntfi  his  rlpsioms        TYirn*  Rpllv  is  wnYrtnorl. 


cute  his  designs.    Poor  Belly  is  cramped. 


FTIHE  "  Illinois  Journal "  asks  if  we  can  "  throw  any  light 
-*-  on  kissing.  We  don't  care  to  ;  the  thing  is  just  as  well 
in  the  dark. 


A 


MR.  J.  BLACK,   declares  for  the  dissolution  of  the 
Union.     Let  him  have  a  traitor's  reward: 

"Hung  be  the  Heavens  with  Slack." 


PHILANTHROPY  and  friendship  seldom  exist  together 
-E-  in  the  same  bosom.  The  heart  that  stretches  from  pole 
to  pole  is  apt  to  spurn  all  intermediate  ties.  Its  friendships, 
ii  it  ever  formed  any,  will,  ten  to  one,  be  found  dangling  in 
mid-air,  like  telegraphic  insulators  over  forsaken  posts  in 
the  valleys. 

A  CORRESPONDENT  discusses  learnedly  what  he  con- 
-L*-  siders  the  great  advantages  of  an  exclusively  vegetable 
diet.  We  don't  believe  in  it.  Nebuchadnezzar  tried  it 
when  Heaven  bade  him  "go  to  grass,"  and  it  didn't  agree 
with  him. 


rich  miser  in  Norwich,  who  dug  up  his  wife's  body 
-*-  and  took  from  her  mouth  a  gold  plate  and  set  of  false 
teeth,  has  been  put  under  bonds  to  take  his  trial.  It  seems 
a  pity  the  spirit  of  his  wife  didn't  come  back  and  animate 
hor  dead  jaws  long  enough  to  make  them  bite  him  when  he 
had  his  pilfering  fingers  in  her  mouth. 


. 
PRE-rfTICEANA. 

JAM. — Crowd  ten  fashionably  dressed  ladies  into  one 
stage-coach. — Exchange. 

That  may  be  very  good  "jam,"  but  we'll  not  be  helped 
to  any,  we  thank  you. 

T  IKE  other  men,  we  are  sometimes  provoked  to  give  "an  eye  for 
JJ  an  eye  and  a  tooth  for  a  tooth. — N.  Y.  Express. 

"We  should  very  decidedly  prefer  to  take  an  eye  for  an 
eye  and  a  tooth  for  a  tooth. 


AFIRE-EATING  friend  was  recently  presented  with  a 
new  pair  of  boots,  which,  he  says,  are  "  admirably 
adapted  to  kicking."  Another  person  we  know,  a  few  days 
before,  received  a  fine  pair  of  boots,  perhaps  not  quite  new, 
but  equally  adapted  to  the  same  use.  The  gentleman  who 
presented  the  latter  pair  did  not  see  fit  to  take  them  off 
during  the  interesting  ceremony  of  presentation. 


THE    "  Washington   Union "   says  there   is   to    be   "  no 
change  in  the  Cabinet."     There  has  been  precious  little 
if  any  in  the  Treasury  for  some  time. 


rFHOSE  gentlemen  who  are  in  constant  fear  of  their 
•*-  wives,  undoubtedly  give  the  very  finest  exhibitions  of 
sheep-husbandry. 

AN  Albany  paper  says  that  five  gallons  of  New  York  milk  were 
recently  placed  in  a  patent  churn  in  that  city,  and  the  product 
of  the  churning  was  two  gallons  of  good  whisky. — Exchange. 

Only  let  the  fact  become  generally  known  in  New  York, 
and  the  rush  for  the  milk  of  the  "  stump-tail  cows  "  will  be 
greater  than  ever.  However,  one  good  result  will  follow  : 
not  a  gill  of  the  fluid  will  be  left  for  the  poor,  innocent 
babies. 


PKENTICEANA.  245 

'"FHE  "  Country  Gentleman  "  says  that  eggs  may  be  preserved  by 
A  putting  them  in  corn-meal  or  bran,  small  end  down. — New 
Albany  Paper. 

We  don't  think  that  any  one  need  undertake  to  preserve 
OUT  neighbor  in  that  way,  for,  in  the  first  place,  he  is  a 
"bad  egg"  already,  and,  in  the  second,  if  he  were  put 
"  small  end  down,"  his  blood  would  all  run  into  his  head, 
and  he  would  die  of  apoplexy. 


E  "  Chattanooga  Advertiser  "  announces,  as  if  it  were 
something  remarkable,  that,  although  the  site  of  the 
proposed  Southern  University  is  nearer  the  centre  of  the 
Slave  States  than  any  other  point,  "  a  more  ruddy -looking 
population  can  nowhere  be  found!" 


OUR  neighbor  of  the ,  attending  to  a  certain 
matter,  says  that  "  from  a  regard  for  truth  he  will  have 
to  remain  silent."     He  seems  conscious  that  he  best  shows 
his  regard  for  truth  when  he  doesn't  open  his  mouth. 


fTlHE  editor  of  the  "  Allegan  (Michigan)  Record"  keeps  a 
-L  distillery.  His  neighbors  are  at  a  loss  to  decide  which 
is  the  more  villainous  compound,  his  politics  or  his  whisky. 


HHHE  editor  of  the  " Mercury "  says  "  everything 

J-  must  have  an  end."     He  no  doubt  has  two — one  to  be 

cuffed  and  the  other  kicked. 


M 


:R.  CRITTENDEN  is  in  no  danger  from  the  miserable 
little  politicians  that  are  assailing  him.  Cromwell  came 
near  being  strangled  in  his  cradle  by  a  monkey,  but  the 
full-grown  Cromwell  could  have  defied  "a  wilderness  of 
monkeys,"  and  so  can  the  full-grown  Crittenden. 


24:6  PRENTICEANA. 

A    WASHINGTON    correspondent    of  the    "Hartford 
Times  "  says  that  the  President  sometimes  sheds  tears 
over  the  dissensions  of  the  'Democracy.     He  seems  to  be  a 
crying  evil. 


editor  of  the  "Inquirer"  says  he  would  "rather  hold 
a  controversy  with  statesmen  than  with  blackguards." 
Of  course,  for  he  has  more  cause  of  difference  with  them. 


ANEW  YORK  jury,  upon  clear  proof  that  a  man  had 
deliberately  shot  a  woman  for  resisting  his  base  efforts 
to  dishonor  her,  found  him  guilty  of  murder  in  the  second 
degree.     What  sort  of  murder  would  that  jury  call  "A 
No.  1  ?"  _^^_ 

WHEN  the  tailor  looked  at  the  Falls  of  Niagara,  with  its 
thick  cloud  of  spray,  he  exclaimed,  "  Gods !  what  a 
place  to  sponge  a  coat !"  When  a  corrupt  politician  looks 
at  a  seat  in  Congress,  with  all  its  immense  facilities  for  sacri 
ficing  the  national  interests  to  the  highest  bidder,  he  men 
tally  exclaims,  "  Gods  !  what  a  splendid  place  to  sponge  the 
people !" 

fPHE  editor  of  the  "Indiana  Journal"  says  he  is  a  believer  in 
JL  "total  depravity."  Since  we  became  an  attentive  reader  of 
the  "Journal"  we  have  ourselves  been  half  converted  to  that  doc 
trine. — New  Albany  Ledger. 

And  the  other  half,  too,  we  guess ;  and  we  certainly  shall 
not  be  so  uncivil  as  to  charge  any  inconsistency  between 
your  doctrine  and  your  practice. 


AN  Indiana  editor  says  very  ill-naturedly  that  he's  not 
disposed  to  give  us  credit  for  anything.     He  ought  to 
credit  us  for  the  money  he  once  borrowed  of  us  as  well  as 
for  the  paragraphs  he  now  steals  from  us. 


PKENTICEANA.  247 

I^HE  u  Southerner  "  speaks  of  a  man  who  died,  leaving  all 
his  property  to  his  sons  if  they  should  be  Democrats. 
That  old  fellow  evidently  took  a  hint  from  the  Greek 
philosopher,  who  bequeathed  a  large  fortune  to  his  children 
if  they  should  prove  fools ;  for,  said  he,  if  they  are  wise  men 
they  will  not  need  it. 

A  LITTLE  Democratic  editor  in  the  interior  professes  to 
•£*-  be  holding  his  nose  at  the  Know  Nothing  party.  Let 
him  hold  it,  and  pinch  it,  and  pull  it,  and  twist  it,  as  much 
as  he  pleases.  He  can  save  better  men  the  trouble. 


THE  editor  of  the  "Portland  Democrat  recently  proposed 
to  pay  some  of  his  small  debts  by  sending  his  paper  to 
his  creditors.  A  neighbor  of  his  thinks  that  it  would  be 
outrageous  to  pay  a  debt  to  the  devil  himself  in  such  a 
depreciated  currency.  But  we  don't  see  why  the  devil 
shouldn't  be  paid  in  his  own  coin. 


BE  careful,  neighbor  Prentice,  for,  "if  the  righteous  shall  scarcely 
be  saved,"  what  the  deuce  will  become  of  you? — Cincinnati 
Enquirer. 

Why,  of  course,  in  that  event,  we  shall  "scarcely  be 
saved." 

fr-e-o 

WE  hope  the  merchants  of  Cairo  are  doing  a  fine  business. 
We  know  that,  a  short  time  ago,  they  were  entirely 
out  of  dry  goods.* 

A  N  Arkansas  editor  complains  that  his  town,  for  some 
-^  time  past,  has  been  "filled  with  fishermen  and  loafers," 
imd  wonders  "what  they  are  after."  After  loaves  and 
lishes  no  doubt. 

*  The  town  was  inundated  with  water. 


248  PRENTICEANA. 

THE  entrance  door  of  the  new  Capitol  at  Washington, 
simply  the  door,  constructed  under  the  direction  of  the 
Buchanan  administration,  cost  $23,000.  We  suppose  that 
the  Democracy  will  swallow  unhesitatingly  most  of  the 
administration's  expenditures,  but  we  guess  that  even  they 
won't  much  like  to  bolt  that  door. 


"  London  Times  "  exclaims  "  how  shall  Great  Bri- 
J-  tain  get  rid  of  the  war  in  Asia  ?"  Why  doesn't  she 
carry  it  into  Africa  ? 

iT  is  rumored  that  one  of  the  Sag-Nichts  editors  in  this 
State  intends  going  to  California.     He  would  have  found 
it  ditiicult  to  go  there  by  sea  before  the  passage  across  the 
isthmus  was  opened.     He  never  could  pass  around  a  horn. 
Ah,   we  mistake,  he  could  always  double  a  horn  without 

difficulty. 

»-*-• 

IF  the  Mrs.  Blount  whose  name  is  just  now  in  everybody's 
mouth,  doesn't  properly  respect  herself  or  her  husband, 
it   can't   be   denied   that   she   shows   every  disposition  to 

Riviere  her  daughter. 

»-•-• — 

A   DEMOCRATIC   editor   in   Illinois  cries   out  against 
"  human  nature."     We  don't  think  very  much  of  human 
nature  ourselves.     Sometimes  we  are  half  disposed  to  think 
that  it  would  have  been  as  well  if  Eve  had  taken  the  sulks 
and  refused  to  have  Adam. 


A  REPUBLICAN  paper  complains  that  the  Northern 
•£*•  members  of  Congress  who  concede  most  to  the  South 
at  Washington  are  the  very  ones  who  claim  most  for  the 
North  at  home.  Very  likely.  Fellows  that  "  lick  the 
dust  "  before  their  election  may  be  expected  to  "  eat  dirt " 
afterward. 


PKENTICEANA. 

ONE  of  the  subjects  of  Parisian  gossip  just  now,  is  a  rare  case 
recently  brought  to  light  of  a  man  120  years  old.   Four  years  ago 
he  married  a  wife  who  was  his  junior  by  just  a  hundred  years,  and 
by  whom  he  has  three  children ! — Exchange. 

We  don't  believe  they  look  like  him. 


I 


T  is  said  that  the  health  of  Cairo  is  bad.   We  shall  never 
believe  in  the  water  cure  again. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Portland  Journal "  says  that  his 
neighbor  dreams  continually  of  getting  into  a  position 
where  he  could  seize  on  the  contents  of  the  National 
Treasury.  It  must  be  a  silly  spirit  that  inspires  such  silly 
dreams.  "  Abel !  Abel ! "  cried  an  old  gentleman  one 
night  to  his  son,  "  Satan  has  been  tempting  me  all  night  to 
go  and  drown  myself  in  the  horse-trough."  "  Well,  he 
must  be  a  great  fool,  daddy,  for  there  hasn't  been  a  drop  of 
water  in  it  these  six  weeks." 


A  WRITER  in  the  "Minnesota  Advocate"  says,  that, 
unable  to  get  h°lp,  he  has  left  his  garden  to  be  culti 
vated  by  his  poultry.     We  hope,  their  crops  are  all  in  good 
condition. 

TPHE  editor  of  the  "  Portland  Democrat,"  after  talking 
-*-  extravagantly  and  ridiculously  about  the  merits  of 
the  administration,  says  that  he  is  "  incompetent  to  describe 
them  fully."  Then  we  advise  him  to  take  a  hint  from  the 
advice  given  by  the  Methodist  minister,  to  a  good  brother 
who  was  groaning  tremendously  at  a  love  feast.  "  Please, 
brother,  groan  a  little  more  quietly."  "Ah,  sir,  these  are 
groanings  that  cannot  be  uttered."  "  Then,  for  conscience7 
sake  don't  try  to  utter  them,  for  you  make  terrible  work  of 
it,  and  it  can't  be  done." 

11* 


250  PEENTICEANA. 

A  MEETING  of  foreigners,  to  protest  against  the  Sunday 
law,  was  held  in  Newark,  a  few  days  ago.     The  Sabbath 
is  a  dreadful  annoyance  to  a  large  portion  of  the  foreigners 
in  this  country.     It  may  seem  a  little  strange  that  they  have 
not  utterly  destroyed  it,  when  we  consider  how  continually 

they  are  breaking  it. 

»-»-» 

riTHE  getters-up  of  a  bear-hunt  in  Minnesota  invite  the 
J-  ladies  to  participate  in  the  sport.  But  the  ladies  had 
better  not  do  it,  especially  if  they  dress  fashionably.  Each 
of  them  might  chance  to  be  shot  from  appearing  to  be  "  a 
little  bare." 

fFHE  "  Ohio  Democrat "  asks  why  it  is  much  easier  to 
J-  turn  an  American  into  a  Democrat,  than  to  turn  a 
Democrat  into  an  American.  If  the  fact  is  so,  the  reason 
must  be  akin  to  that  for  which  it  is  very  easy  to  convert  a 
diamond  into  charcoal,  but  quite  impossible  to  convert 
charcoal  into  diamonds. 


A  DIFFICULTY  occurred  the  other   day  between  two 
editors  in  Texas.    One  snapped  his  fingers  in  the  other's 
face,  and  the  other  returned  the  compliment  with  the  snap 
of  a  pistol.     The  pistol  didn't  go  off  any  more  than  the  fin 
gers  did.     Both  parties  were  decidedly  snappish. 


A  DEMOCRATIC   organ  boasts   that   Mr.   Buchanan's 
friends  will  never  desert  their  colors.     But  they  are 
everywhere  turning   pale    with   fear — their   colors   desert 
them.  

A  WASHINGTON"   correspondent  of  the  "  New  York 
Express  "  calls  the  officers  of  the  Government  "  Trea 
sury  buzzards."     A  pretty  large  proportion  of  them  belong 
to  a  different  species  of  birds.     Many  a  one  of  them  is  a- 
rob-in'. 


PKENTICEANA.  251 

A  DEMOCRATIC  organ  in  Wisconsin,  in  view  of  a  late 
occurrence,  insists  that  every  man  in  office  "  should 
have  a  strong  box  and  put  into  it  every !  dollar  as  fast  as 
received."  But  not  a  few  of  the  office-holders  have  quite 
other  uses  for  dollars  than  to  lock  them  up.  "  Pat,"  said  a 
Yankee  to  an  Irishman,  "  you  should  buy  a  trunk  to  put 
your  clothes  in."  "What,  an'  go  naked  this  cowld 
weather?" 


UR  old  friend  of  the  "  Southern  American  "  publishes 
that  he  was  married  last  week.  We  congratulate  him 
and  his  bride.  May  every  blessing  rest  upon  them,  and 
may  they  every  year  have  occasion  to  exclaim  joyously, 
"Oh,  Gemini!"  __ 

THE  editor  of  the  "  Democrat  "  talks  about  the  "  sinking 
fund."      Every  fund  that  his  party  gets   a  chance   at 
becomes  a  rapidly  sinking  one. 


THHE  Democratic  organs,  instead  of  crying  "  peace,  peace," 
J-  have  better  reason  to  cry  "  piece,  piece,"  for  their  party 
is  all  in  pieces. 

LOUIS  NAPOLEON"  has  been  doing  the  sweet  to  Victoria,  kiss 
ing  her  on  both  cheeks— leaving  the  British    Queen  nothing 
further  to  present  him  for  salute.— N.  T.  Express. 

Why,  where  are  her  dear  majesty's  lips  ?  When  France's 
ex-loafer  was  kissing  her  first  upon  one  cheek  and  then 
upon  the  other,  hadn't  he  the  courage  and  the  good  taste 
to  pause  for  one  all-blissful  moment  half-way  between  the 
two? 


4  CORRESPONDENT  boasts  of  having  raised  seventy- 
-E±  five  bushels  of  wheat  to  the  acre.  We  set  down  a  con 
siderable  portion  of  that  grain  to  the  account  of  "  grains  of 
allowance." 


252  PUENTICEANA. 

MARY  ANN"  BUSWELL  has  been  indicted  for  having 
three  husbands.     If  her  personal  accomplishments  are 
in  keeping  with  her  name,  she  can  no  doubt  get  as  many 
husbands  and  lovers  as  she  pleases. 


A  RAILROAD   track-layer    in    Massachusetts    has    ab 
sconded  with  a  considerable  amount  of  funds.     He  pre 
ferred  making  tracks  to  laying  them. 


AN  Ohio  editor  threatens  to  "  pitch  into  the  railroads." 
The  Ohio  river  has  its  defects  as  well  as  the  railroads. 
Why  not  pitch  into  that  ? 


rpHERE  is  a  cofiee-house  keeper  in  our  city,  who  sets  out 
J-  handsome  mint-juleps  at  his  open  window  to  attract 
customers.  In  all  kindness  we  suggest  to  him  that  they 
are  a  little  too  convenient  to  the  thirsty  passers-by.  He 
had  better  "  haul  in  his  horns." 


A   PORTLAND  paper  complains  of  Democratic  "  leth 
argy."     He  says  the  Democrats  seem  to  be  asleep,  and 
he  threatens  to  "  pull  them  out  of  bed."     We  wonder  if 
they  wouldn't,  in  that  case,  like  oysters,  be  pulled  out  of 
their  bed  by  a  rake. 

MR.  G.  J.  BOWER,  of  Newburn,  whipped  his  wife  and 
she  left  him.    She  was  right.    She  was  the  right  Bower 
and  he  the  left  one. 

»-*-• — 

THE  editor  of  the says  he  has  known  "  many  a  cat 

A  of  nine  lives."  We  guess  the  cats  he  has  been  brought 
acquainted  with  have  had  that  number  of  "  tails  "  if  not  of 
lives. 


PBENTICEANA.  253 

MESSRS.  TURNER  and  Copeland,  two  rich  neighbors  in 
Texas,  are  quarreling  about  the  ownership  of  some 
timber-land.  When  Turner  sends  his  hands  to  work  upon 
it,  Copeland  opens  a  fire  upon  them  with  rifle  and  shot 
gun  ;  and,  when  Copeland  sends  his  hands,  Turner  opens 
upon  them  in  the  same  fashion.  The  two  gentlemen  have 
certainly  a  disagreeable  way  of  "  playing  into  each  other's 
hands." 


A  SOMEWHAT  notorious  Texan,  who  has  been  shot  at 
six  times,  twice  by  Indians  and  four  times  by  white 
folks,  calls  himself  bullet-proof.  We  think  he  is  in  less  dan 
ger  from  the  contents  of  gun-barrels  than  from  those  of 
brandy-barrels ;  if  bullet-proof,  he  is  hardly  proof  against 
"  fourth-proof." 


¥ 


E  don't  know  of  an  emptier  sound  than  the  rumbling 
of  a  hungry  stomach. 


THE  "  Rochester  Democrat "  says  that  the  Erie  Canal  is 
the  heart  of  the  prosperity  of  New  York.     N"ew  York 
ought  then  to  have  an  enlargement  of  the  heart. 


"\TO  doubt  the  editor  of  the  "  Southern  Mercury  "  is  a 
j-M  «  wag,"  but  a  dog's  tail  can  make  a  hundred  better 
ones  any  day. 

4   POOR  lawyer  hung  himself  in  Milwaukee.   Having  had 
J*-  no  causes  he  left  no  effects. 


"  Washington  Union "  says  that  "  the    banks    are 
divorced  from  the  Democracy."     If  they  are,  they  had 
better  not  renew  the  matrimonial  connection  unless  they 
a  -e  in  a  harry  to  be  widows. 


254  PEENTIOEANA. 

who  loves  and  and  another  who  is 


IN"  love,  there  is  one  person 
loved. — Exchange. 


-Exchange. 

But  it  is  an  unfortunate  thing  if  there  are  not  two  that 
love  and  two  that  are  loved. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Texas  Herald  "  wonders  how  we 
managed,  in  a  late  paragraph,  to  hit  so  exactly  a  neigh 
bor  of  his,  with  whom  he  rightly  supposes  us  to  be  person 
ally  unacquainted.  The  truth  is,  the  fellow's  language  in  his 
paper  was  enough  to  enable  us,  practiced  as  we  are,  to  take 
a  good  aim  at  him.  The  case  was  much  like  that  of  the 
marksman,  who,  on  a  dark  night,  hit  a  dog  right  in  the 
mouth  at  the  distance  of  twenty  steps,  without  anything  to 
guide  his  aim  except  the  animal's  bark. 


T)ERS03I"S  who  visit  our  sanctum  will  greatly  oblige  us  by  leav- 
JL    ing  everything  just  as  they  find  it. — Indiana  paper. 

Wouldn't  you  like  that  they  should  give  you  a  little 
valuable  information  and  so  leave  you  wiser  than  they  find 
you? 


AN  editor  in  the  interior  thinks  that  we  "  eat  bad  corn." 
Probably  he  lives  upon  mean  wheat — for  he  is  bearded, 
chaffy,  and  smutty. 

AN  Illinois  paper  advises  Mr.  Douglas  to  "  look  around 
before  attempting  to  reply  to  Mr.  Trumbull's  expose  of 
his  course  in  relation  to  Kansas."      But  pray  how  can  a 
poor  fellow  "  look  round"  when  he  is  "cornered?" 


THE  New  York  papers  state  that  "  a  member  of  the  cele 
brated  Fox  family  has  just  joined  the  Catholic  Church." 
A  good  many  of  the  sly  family  have  always  burrowed  and 
prowled  and  preyed  in  the  church. 


I 


PEENTICEANA.  255 

R.  BTJLWER  has  played  the  dickens  in  his  household, 
and  Mr.  Dickens  has  played  the  devil  in  his. 


A  NEW  Democratic  paper  comes  to  us  with  the  name  of 
-tl.  "  J.  Daw  "  as  editor.  Is  Jack  too  modest  to  publish 
his  entire  name  ? 


WE  see  the  question  discussed  in  several  eastern  papers, 
"  whether  a  schoolmaster  can  kiss  his  female  pupils." 
We  only  know  that  we  could  when  we  were  a  schoolmas 
ter. 


A  N  American  author  says,  "  there  is  no  wind  so  ill  as  not 
•"•  to  blow  good, to  somebody."  What  does  he  think  of 
the  breath  of  whisky-drinkers  and  tobacco-chewers  ?" 


ALOCOFOCO  editor  in  Kentucky  advises  us  to  call  off 
our  dogs.     The  difference  between  us  and  him  is  that 
we  can  call  the  dogs  to  us,  whereas  he  and  his  paper  bid 
fair  to  go  to  them. 


A  MR.  HENRY  OBIN  argues  in  the  "  New  Hampshire 
-[*-  Gazette  "  in  favor  of  the  immediate  destruction  of  all 
banks.  The  Christian  name  of  Obin  should  have  been 
Jack. 


MR.  J.  FREEMAN  of  Michigan  was  recently  murdered 
by  two  of  his  hired  men.    Could  the  coroner's  jury  have 
properly  returned  a  verdict  of  killed  by  his  own  hands  f 


ONE  of  little  Dug's  organs  announces  that  he  is  about  to 
swallow  Senator  Trumbull.     Alas,  then,  for  Trurabull ! 
His  grave  is  dug. 


256  PEENTICEANA. 

~IT7"E  shall  have  our  day  yet. — Southern  Democrat. 

If  so,  it  will  be  a  day  not  to  be  despised.     We  are  told, 
"  despise  not  the  day  of  small  things." 


negro  boys  fought  a  duel  the  other  day  in  Missis- 
•*-  sippi.  One  was  badly  wounded,  the  other  killed — one 
laid  up,  the  other  out. 


T 


HE  Treasury  is  in  a  bad  way.     It  has  "  shelled  out  "  till 
nothing  is  left  but  Cobb. 


THE   "Washington  Union"  calls  Mr.   Buchanan    "the 
rock  of  Democracy."     He  may  be   considered  such  a 
rock  as  the  Irish  are  supposed  to  be  partial  to — sham-iock. 


JA.  OLIVER  advertises  in  an  Indiana  paper  that  he 
.  wants   a  wife.     Perhaps  there   is  some  Miss  or  Mrs. 
Roland  for  him. 


MESSRS.  E.  &  S.  A.  GILL,  of  the   "New  Hampshire 
Democrat,"  announce  their  abandonment  of  the  Demo 
cratic   party.       There's  no  chance  for  the  Democracy  to 
escape,  now   that  the  Opposition  have  got  hold  of  their 

Gills. 

— »-«-, — 

OUR  Government  is  still  making  presents  to  the  Indians. 
There  is  great  danger,  as  things  are  now  going,  that  it 
will  soon  have  occasion  to  solicit  presents  from  them. 


TTEXRY  the  Fifth,  we  infer  from  Shakspeare,  used  to 
L  swear  by  St.   Paul.      Our  Minnesota  friends    do    the 
same  thing. 


PKENTICEANA.  257 

I  see  you  are  free,  Sam,"  said  a  friend  of  ours  to  a 
slave  just  released  from  the  watch-house.  "To  be 
sure,  I'm  not  in  jail,  master,  but  please  don't  insult  me  by 
calling  me  a  free  nigger." 


"Pennsylvania  News"  asks,  "who  shall  bear  the 
compass  and  the  chain  to  fix  the  line  between  the  North 
and  the  South  with  a  view  to  separation  ?"  Any  honest 
man  would  scorn  to  join  such  a  "  chain-gang." 


OH,  if  I  only  had  a  widower  for  a  beau,  how  I  would  lead  him 
around. — Myrtle  (of  the  Democrat}. 

With  a  beau-string,  we  suppose. 


w 


E  have  fairly  caught  our  neighbor  Clapp  at  last. —  Wisconsin 
Democrat. 


We  presume  you  did  it  with  Clap-trap. 


PROM  what  we  have  seen,  we  judge  that  most  of  the 
civil  laws  of  Utah  are  criminal  ones. 


ME.  WEBSTER  at  one  time,  in  rather  an  unguarded  moment,  when 
he  was  writhing  under  the  defeat  of  his  party  by  the  Demo 
cracy,  remarked  in  a  speech  that  "all  is  not  lost,"  quoting,  the  lan 
guage  put  into  the  mouth  of  Satan  by  Milton,  when  he  was  eject 
ed  from  the  precincts  of  Heaven.  Eevenge  and  inveterate  hate, 
said  he,  are  still  left. — Memphis  Appeal. 

That  is  a  slander  upon  Mr.  Webster.  He  did,  in  his 
speech,  say  in  the  language  of  Milton,  "  all  is  not  lost,"  but 
he  did  not  add  that  revenge  and  inveterate  hate  were  still 
left.  We  feel  bound  to  pull  this  arrow  from  the  corpse  of 
the  dead  statesman. 


258 


PRENTICEANA. 


TVTEARLY  all  the  papers  regard  it  as  a  cheering  omen  that 
«**'  the  first  dispatch  over  the  submarine  wires  was  a  "mes 
sage  of  peace."  Alas !  alas !  centuries  ago  there  came  over 
the  waters  a  dove  bearing  the  olive  branch,  but,  since  then, 
how  have  wars  incarnadined  their  fair  face ! 


MR.  BROWN,  editor  of  the  "  St.  Louis  Democrat,"  was 
married  a  few  days  ago  to  a  very  beautiful  and  accom 
plished  young  lady,  Miss  Mary  Gunn.     May  their  wedded 
life  be  happy,  and  many  a  little  "  son  of  a  Gunn  "  rise  up  to 
bless  them. 


¥E  have  kept  our  readers  pretty  well  posted  as  to  the 
crops,  and  we  have  now  to  announce  that  the  wheat, 
rye,  oat,  and  grass  crops  of  the  West,  have  all  been  cut 
entirely  off.     What  was  spared  by  the  rust  smut,  etc.,  has 
been  cut  off  by  patent-reapers,  sickles,  scythes,  and  cradles. 

THE  editor  of  a  Wisconsin  paper  speaks  of  a  place  where 
he  says  "  brass  coin  passes  as  money."     He  had  better 
emigrate  there.     There  his  face  would  always  be  "good 

for  a  drink." 

»^c-^ — 

DANIEL  LOCHRANE,  of  Lancaster,  Pa.,  getting  tired 
of  his  wife,  and  not  having  the  patience  to  wait  for  a 
divorce,  tossed  her  out   of  the  window — -just  threw  her 
away. 

ONE  William  Banks  has  established  a  new  Sag-Nichts 
paper  in  Wisconsin.      We  hope  that  Wisconsin  bank 
bills  are  better  than  her  Bill  Banks. 


"  T)LEASE  X,"  says  a  stupid  little  contemporary  upon 
the  margin  of  a  copy  of  his  paper  sent  to  us.     Let 
him  send  us  "  an  X,"  and  we  will. 


PRENTICEANA.  259 

A  BRUSSELS  paper  gives  an  account  of  monstrous  per 
secutions  practised  under  the  authority  of  a  Cardinal. 
No    doubt    such    persecutions    are    practised    under    the 
authority  of  all  the  Cardinals.     In  their  church,  persecution 
is  a  cardinal  virtue. 


T  ETITIA  HAMLIN,  a  girl  of  sixteen,  residing  in  Belchertown, 
JJ  Massachusetts,  while  gathering  berries  a  few  days  since  in  that 
vicinity,  killed  two  black  snakes  measuring  six  feet  in  length  each, 
besides  catching  two  striped  snakes,  which  she  put  in  her  bosom 
and  carried  home  to  her  mother. — Springfield  (Mass.)  Journal. 

Pshaw,  Letitia!  You  may  be  a  very  pretty  girl,  but 
what  young  fellow  will  ever  be  able  to  pillow  his  head  upon 
your  bosom  without  dreaming  all  night  of  rattlesnakes, 
vipers,  copperheads,  moccasins,  coach-whips,  and  anacondas? 
Who,  with  your  young  arms  twined  lovingly  around  him, 
would  not  fancy  himself  hugged  by  a  boa-constrictor  ? 
And  who,  with  your  ringlets  falling  over  his  face,  would  not 
imagine  every  separate  hair,  like  that  of  the  Eumenides, 
a  hissing  and  red-eyed  serpent  ? 


¥E  understand,  that  recently,  in  one  of  the  schools  of 
a  western  city,  a  mischievous  urchin  took  an  oppor 
tunity  to  deposit  soft  wax  upon  the  benches  of  all  the  boys 
and  the  chairs  of  the  teachers.  It  wasn't  long  before  the 
school-room  was  as  full  of  "  waxed-ends  "  as  a  shoemaker's 
shop. 

A  DEMOCRATIC  editor  in  Arkansas  admits  that  a  por 
tion  of  the  Democrats  in  that  State  are  living  in  igno 
rance.     Probably  he  ought  to  admit  that  the  rest  are  dying 
in  the  same  condition. 


editor  of  a  northern  paper  says  that  he  is  "  tied  con- 
J-  stantly  "  to  his  paper.  Then  it  ought  for  his  sake  to  be 
a  whipping-post. 


260  PRENTICEANA. 

rjlHE  "New  York  Evening  Post"  tells  a  large  story  of  the  freaks 
JL  of  lightning  in  France.  A  young  girl  was  struck  by  lightning 
and  changed  to  a  boy.  We  don't  believe  it. — Albany  Statesman. 

We  cannot  say  as  to  the  changing,  but  we  have  observed 
that  a  girl,  whenever  she  is  in  danger,  is  very  apt  to  turn 
to  a  boy — if  there's  one  about. 


THE  papers  give  an  account  of  a  young  couple  in  France, 
who  not  being  allowed  to  marry,  resolved  to  die  together 
— and  did.     There  might  have  been  some  little  sense  in  this 
if  they  had  had  any  guaranty  of  a  chance  to  marry  in  the 
other  world. 


MR.  L.  A.  EOE,  a  New  Hampshire  editor,  has  had  one 
Dr.  Rivers  indicted  for  kicking  him.      He  calls   the 
Doctor  "  a  savage."     If  the  offender  is  really  a  savage,  he 
probably  belongs  to  the  Kick-a-Poe  tribe. 


rjPHE  "  Washington  Union  "  talks  boastingly  of  "  the  all- 
•*-,  absorbing  Democratic  party.  No  doubt  it  is  a  sponging 
concern. 

AN  eastern  preacher  has  accepted  the  challenge  of  Brown- 
low,  Tennessee's  celebrated  fighting  parson,  to  discuss 
the  subject  of  Slavery  with  him.     The  Yankee  preacher 
little  knows  what  he  is  undertaking.     We  say  to  him,  at  the 
potter  says  to  the  lump  of  clay  in  his  hands,  be-ware. 


¥E  are  in  favor  of  internal  improvements,  but  the  policy 
of  some  of  the  northern  folks  who  apply  to  Congress 
to  do  everything  they  want  done  is  contemptible.  There 
are  fellows  in  that  section,  who,  if  they  had  bad  col^s, 
would  petition  Congress  to  remove  the  obstructions  in  their 
noses. 


TEENTICEANA.  261 

BOWDOIN    COLLEGE,   in  Maine,  has   conferred   the 
degree    of   LL.D.    upon    Jefferson    Davis,   the    Mis 
sissippi  secessionist.     The  "  Boston  Bee  "  seems  to  think 
that  the  faculty  intend  to  win  Mississippi  over  to  northern 
institutions  by  degrees. 


MR.  J.  T.  NAILOR,  of  the  "  Pennsylvania  Times,"  says 
that  "  a  true  Know  Nothing  can  hardly  be  an  honest 
man."     We  have  often  heard  of  hitting  the  nail  on  the 
head,  and  we  don't  know  but  somebody  ought  to  treat  the 
ISTailor  in  the  same  way. 


THE  announcement  of  the  marriage,  at  Auburn,  of  Mr. 
Edward  Straw  to  Miss  Eva  Smiley,  suggests  the  proba 
bility  that  he  tickled  her  with  a  proposal  and  she  laughed 
a  consent. 


rpHE  Bombay  Geographical  Society  announce,  in  their  proceedings, 
JL  that  they  have  received  a  specimen  of  the  walking  leaf  from 
Java,  with  eggs  and  young ;  and  what  seems  more  curious  still,  a 
walking  flower,  described  as  a  creature  with  a  white  body,  pink 
spots,  and  crimson  border. — Exchange. 

We  have,  in  our  streets,  a  great  many  beautiful  walking 
flowers.  They  grow  on  twin  stems,  bare  their  white 
bosoms  to  the  light  of  heaven  and  the  eyes  of  sinners,  and 
expand  tremendously. 


A  CONTEMPORARY  advises  all  the  people  in  our  cities 
to  make  their  escape  to  the  Springs  or  some  other  cool 
place  of  resort.     It  is  a  matter  of  course  that  all  our  people, 
and  especially  the  fat  ones,  will  in  this  hot  weather  be  fast 
running  away. 


locofoco   papers  may  as  well  stop  abusing   Judge 
Wheat.     Such  Wheat  can't  be  hurt  by  such  smut. 


262  PEENTIOEANA. 

THE  editor  of  a  Wisconsin  paper  says  that  he  has 
"  hitherto  been  the  political  associate  of  Mr.  Wolf," 
but  that  now  he  distrusts  him.  An  old  injunction  is,  "  if 
you  have  a  wolf  for  a  companion,  carry  a  dog  under  your 
cloak,"  but  this  editor  carries  dog  enough  in  his  face  and 
soul. 


AUL  SMILING,  of  Portland,  long  an  applicant  for  office, 
has  got  a  place  in  the  Custom  House.     So  at  last  we 
have  Saul  among  the  profits. 


rPHERE  are  no  women  now-a-days.     Instead  of  women,  we  have 
JL  towering  edifices  of  silk,  lace,  and  flowers.  —  Punch. 

Ah,  well,  Mr.  Punch,  if  you  ransack  one  of  those  edifices 
thoroughly,  we  guess  you  will  find  a  woman  hidden  away 
in  it  somewhere. 


more  our  ladies  practise  walking,  the  more  graceful 
they  become  in  their  movements.     Those  ladies  acquire 
the  best  carriage  who  don't  ride  in  one. 


TT  is  supposed  that  angels  do  not  wear  dresses.  Our 
J-  fashionable  ladies  are  getting  more  and  more  angelic 
every  year. 

THE   " Cecil   Whig"   says   that   the   administration    "is 
laughing  in  its  sleeve  at  the  pretensions  set  up  in  its 
behalf."     No  doubt ;  but  then  it  is  so  out  at  the  elbows 
that  the  laugh  in  its  sleeve  is  visible  to  everybody. 


IT  is  announced  that  our  minister  to  Spain  is  soon  to  have 
a  successor.     Some  have  supposed  that  the  administra 
tion  wouldn't  care  to  send  another  minister  to  the  Spanish 
Court.     Certainly,  the  seeding  of  the  present  one  looked 
like  resorting  to  "  the  last  Dodge." 


PKENTICEANA.  263 

A  RCHBISHOP  HUGHES  presents  horses  to  those  who 
•£»•  are  his  favorites.  His  master  presents  bulls  to  those 
who  are  his  favorites  and  those  who  are  not. 


;H  ARRISON,  the  abolitionist,  who  attacks  all  persons  in 
vJ  turn,  has  just  made  a  fierce  attack  upon  the  Democracy. 
We  do  not  think  that  any  honest  jury  could  conscientiously 
punish  him  for  it.  The  famous  S.  S.  Prentiss  once  secured 
the  acquittal  of  a  client  on  trial  for  libel  by  making  two 
points— -first,  that  the  plaintiff* s  character  was  so  bad  that 
it  couldn't  be  injured,  and  secondly,  that  the  defendant  was 
so  notorious  a  liar  that  nobody  would  believe  one  word  he 
said. 

C\  ESTERAL  CASS  is  said  to  be  worth  five  million  dollars.  To 
O"  the  country  his  worth  cannot  be  estimated  in  dollars  and  cents. 
—  Washington  Star. 

Suppose,  then,  you  estimate  it  in  half  or  quarter  cents. 


iTHE  Chicago  "Times"  thinks  there  isn't  a  man  in  the 
-L  country  that  is  a  match  for  Mr.  Douglas.  But  he  found 
a,  beautiful  woman  a  couple  of  years  ago  that  consented  to 
be  a  match  for  him. 


A  N  Ohio  paper,  speaking  of  the  crops,  says  that,  "  in 
-A  some  things,  the  earth  has  failed,  during  the  past  season, 
to  do  her  appointed  work."  The  fact  is,  she  drank  a  good 
deal  too  much  during  the  spring  and  the  early  summer. 


N"  English  heiress  has  married  a  Spanish  bull-fighter 
This  may  encourage  some  of  our  young  fellows  to  turn 
bull-fighters.  We  don't  know  that  the  sport  would  be  very 
dangerous  to  them.  Their  frie'nds  have  known  a  score  of 
horns  to  enter  their  bodies  every  day  without  killing  them. 


264:  PKENTIOEANA. 


A 


LONDON  court  has  decided  that  an   actor  is  not  a 
"  laborer."   Of  course  not ;  he's  "  no  work  and  all  play." 


A  YOUNG  couple  passed  rapidly  through  Maysville  the 
other  day  on  their  way  to  get  married.     The  indignant 
old  folks  were  full  three  hours  behind.    So  the  adventurous 
young  couple  had  what  might  be  considered  "  a  fair  start 

in  the  world?" 

*^-« — 

ITIHERE  are  said  to  be  numerous  young  girls  in  the  streets 
J-  of  St.  Louis  stealing  whatever  trifles  they  can  lay  their 
hands  on — petty  thieves  in  petti-coats. 


THE  editor  of  the  "  Henderson  Commercial "  asks  if  some 
of  the  sportsmen  won't  give  him  a  "  a  smell  of  Green 
River  bass."     If  a  "  smell "  is  what  he  wants,  they  had  bet 
ter  send  him  some  a  week  out  of  water. 


TT7"E  see  some  discussion  as  to  the  name  by  which  the  wire 
' '    upon  the  bed  of  the  Atlantic  should  be  called.     The 
word  cable  is  thought  inappropriate.     Suppose  we  call  it 
the  Atlantic  bed-cord. 


THEY  don't  call  the  President  the  "sage  of  Wheatland" 
any  more,  and  the  title  was  nothing  but  chaff  during 
the  canvass. 


hats  are  already  advertised  for  sale.     Neck- 
v  ties  of  the  same  material  would  be  serviceable  after 
one  got  the  hang  of  them. 


A  SKILLFUL  worker  in  wood  has  sent  us  the  figures  of 
<&•  two  little  children  beautifully  carved.  We  thank  him 
for  these  babes  in  the  wood. 


PKENTIOEANA.  265 

THE  editor  of  the  "Democrat"  wants  to  know  what  could 
be  done  if  Tom  Corwin  and  we  were  to  break  into  the 
Democratic  party.     Why,  we  suppose,  that,  if  we,  should 
break  in,  the  editor  of  the  "Democrat"  could,  like  the 
small-pox  or  the  measles,  break  out. 


MR.  ORR,  of  South  Carolina,  professes  a  sincere  desire  to 
unite  the  North  and  the  South.      Orr  is  more  likely  to 
disjoin  them.     "  Or  is  a  disjunctive  conjunction." 


A  CORRESPONDENT  of  an  Illinois  paper  says  that  Mr. 
•^  Douglas  "  is  a  bright  light  and  not  a  gas-light,  either." 
As  he  is  decidedly  wicked,  we  suppose  we  may  consider 
him  a  candle. 

AMR.  BROWN  has  challenged  Parson  Brownlow  to 
discuss  the  slavery  question.      We  judge  from  the  lan 
guage  of  the  challenge,  that,  if  it  were  accepted,  the  con 
test  would  be  between  Browulow  and  low  Brown. 


A  DEMOCRATIC  paper  in  Virginia  charges  that  "  Mr. 
Buchanan  has  played  his  game  badly."     He  has  had  to 
make  use  of  a  very  miserable  set  of  creatures  in  playing  it. 
Not  even  an  old  blackleg  could  play  with  such  apacfc. 


A  WRITER  in  the  Georgia  "  Educational  Journal  "  has 
•£*-  asked  "  What  goes  with  deer's  horns  ?"  We  are  not 
skilled  in  wood-craft,  but  to  us  it  appears  natural  that  the 
head,  hoofs,  hide,  and  tail  should  go  with  with  the  horns. 


*    MR.  CARR,  of  Mississippi,  declares  for  Yancy's  south 
ern  league.     Here's  a  Carr  off  the  track.     Fortunately 


TA 

it  is  an  empty  one. 


12 


266  PKEETTICEANA. 

WE  have  received  a  communication  from  a  writer  who  is 
mercilessly  severe  upon  widows.  Widows  undoubt 
edly  do  a  world  of  mischief.  Perhaps,  after  all,  there  is  a 
deep  philosophy  in  the  Hindoo  system  of  burning  the  be 
witching  creatures  upon  the  funeral  pile  of  those  they  are 
the  "  relicts  "  of. 

HTHE  young  lady  who  does  not  apologize  when  you  find  her  at 
JL  work  in  the  kitchen  will  not  fail  to  make  a  good_wife. — Ex 
change. 

We  remember  to  have  found  a  very  pretty  young  lady 
at  work  in  the  kitchen,  who  didn't  apologize,  but  we  had 
to. 

MESSRS.  LINCOLN  and  Douglas  have,  in  their  discus 
sions,  given  sketches  of  their  own  and  each  other's 
lives.      It  appears  that  Douglas  has  been  a  gross  sinner, 
and  Lincoln  a  grocer. 

ANEW  YORK  paper  is  discussing  the  effects  of  the 
ocean  telegraph.     We  think  it  died  without  leaving 
any.  

THE  last  number  of  the  "  Scientific  American  "  describes 
a  curious  fish  that  has  a  craw  like  a  fowl.     Isn't  it  a 
craw-fish  ? 


A  MAN  in  Charleston  kissed  a  woman  of  ill-fame  against 
her  own  will,  and  she  punched  out  his  eye  with  a  fork. 
He  squeezed  a  leman  and  got  &  punch. 


THERE  seems  to  be  some  dispute  as  to  the  cause  of  the 
separation  of  Mrs.  Cora  A.  Hatch,  the  young  and  pretty 
spiritual  medium,  from  her  husband.     Most  ascribe  it  to 
spiritual  influence.     We  rather  guess  that  the  spirit  which 
did  the  mischief  wasn't  a  disembodied  one. 


PEENTIOEANA.  267 

rriHERE  is  a  great  deal  in  luck.  One  man  will  lose  what 
J-  he  grasps  in. his  hand,  while  another  may  throw  his 
money  into  the  sea,  and  a  fish  will  bring  it  to  him. 


HOMEBODY  recommends  the  young  ladies  to   kiss  the  young 
U  men  to  see  when  they've  been  "  takin'  so'thing." — Exchange. 

The  only  objection  is  that  the  young  ladies  might  thus 
contract  a  couple  of  perilous  habits — become  too  fond  of 
kissing  and  a  little  too  fond  of  liquor.  If  a  young  lady 
were  to  find  upon  the  lips  of  her  lover  the  flavor  and  the 
fragrance  of  a  delicious  julep,  her  own  lips  might  cling  to 
his  rather  too  often  and  a  little  too  long  at  a  time. 


PROFESSOR  MORSE  has  been  decorated  by  the  Em- 
-*-  peror  of  France  with  the  insignia  of  the  Legion  of 
Honor.  He  was  decorated  with  a  legion  of  honors  before. 


APITTSBTJRG  paper  says  that  "  a  spanking  business  is 
done  all  along  the  banks  of  the  Ohio."   Isn't  it  confined 
to  the  bottoms  ? 

CALEB  GUSHING  complains  that  small  "politicians" 
are  continually  annoying  him.     N"o  doubt  it  is  a  plea 
sant  employment  to  them  to  stick  pins  in  that  Cushin'. 

MISS  MARSH,  author  of  "  English  Hearts  and  English 
Hands,"  has  undertaken  a  mission  to  the  cabmen  of 
England,  with  a  view  to  their  spiritual  welfare.     If  she  is 
pretty  she  will  not  be  put  down,  for  when  did  a  cabman 
ever  put  down  the  fare  ? 


Latin  has  been  for  many  centuries  a  dead  language, 
but  the   so-called  Latin  that  some  folks  write,  never 
lived. 


268 


PEEKTICEA  IT  A. 


MR.  J.  H.  OAKS,  who  was  stated  to  have  been  murdered 
in  Arkansas  some  weeks  ago,  turns  out  to  be  still  liv 
ing.     He  is  live  Oaks. 

• — •-•-• 

A  MAN"  in  Milwaukee  killed  his  wife,  and  cut  his  own 
**•  throat  five  minutes  afterward.  Five  before  would  have 
been  ten  better. 


~y"ESTERDAY  a  stranger  got  one  of  our  shoemakers  to 
tap  a  pair  of  boots  for  him.  When  he  called  for  them, 
he  was  insolent,  and  the  shoemaker  tapped  him  on  the  head. 
So  Crispin  tapped  his  customer  at  both  ends — but  without 
charging  double  price. 


MR.  OWEN  JONES  says  that  he  owes  more  to  the  peo 
ple  of  his  district  than  any  other  man  in  it.     Then  he 
ought  to  be  called  Owin?  Jones. 


A  WRITER  in  the  "Philadelphia  Press"  says  that  the 
administration  is  hiding  its  head  in  the  sand  like   an 
ostrich.     It  will  soon  have  no  sands  to  hide  its  head  in — its 
sands  will  all  be  run. 

npUTTLE'S  comet,  now  to  be  seen  without  a  telescope, 
J-  mounted  on  the  constellation  Pegasus,  has  entered  the 
list  against  Donati's  fiery  racer,  now  in  Bootes,  and  we  anti 
cipate  a  very  exciting  race.  We  bet  upon  the  fellow  ID 

Boots. 

— •-•-« 

HOW  true  it  is  that  we  never  put  a  proper  value  upon 
those  things  that  are  always  present  to  us.  W«  are 
now  lauding  the  beauty  of  the  comet,  a  perfect  stranger, 
and  forget  the  glorious  sun,  which  has  been  with  us  since 
"  in  the  beginning  God  said  let  there  be  light,  and  there 
was  light." 


PKENTICEANA.  269 

~1[R.  DOUGLAS  calls  upon  the  Democrats  to  stick  to  him. 
•"•*•  A  considerable  number  of  them  seem  to  be  disposed  to 
take  a  good  stick  to  him. 


tT  is  said  that  Mr.  Gurley,  of  Cincinnati,  the  successful 
Opposition   candidate   for  Congress,  who  was  recently 
assailed  as  a  Universalist,  is  now  so  far  converted  to  ortho 
doxy  as  to  be  a  full  believer  in  the  doctrine  of  election. 


ITvIVORCES  are  scandalously  common  in  Indiana.  It  is 
•*-'  said  that  they  occasionally  take  place  there  almost  with 
out  the  knowledge  of  the  parties  interested.  It  might  be 
prudent  for  every  couple,  before  retiring  at  night,  to  satisfy 
themselves  by  careful  inquiry  whether  they  have  a  right  to 
occupy  the  same  room. 

•  9  • 

HpHE  editor  of  the  "  Ohio  Statesman,"  the  next  day  after 
-  the  overwhelming  defeat  of  the  Democratic  party  in 
Ohio,  said  he  was  prouder  of  his  Democracy  then  than  he 
had  ever  been  before  in  his  life.  We  are  disposed  to  argue 
with  him  that  Democracy,  like  sillabub,  is  best  when  well 
whipped. 

(OL.  A.  P.  SHUTT  was  the  anti-American  candidate  for 
the  Mayoralty  of  Baltimore,  but  he  couldn't  get  in. 
He  isn't  Shutt  in  but  Shutt  out. 


MOST  of  the  Democratic  organs  claim  to  be  the  great 
enemies  of  impost  duties,  and  they  might,  with  no  vio 
lation  of  justice,  claim  to  be  still  greater  enemies  of  high 
moral  duties. 


¥ 


E  believe  that  all  the  commercial  houses  in  Kentucky 
stand  firm,  but  the  Bourbon  County  jail  is  broken. 


270  PEENTIOEANA. 

THE  "Pennsylvania  Dutch,"  of  Burks  County,  have  a 
highly  appreciative   opinion  of   Glancey  Jones.      One 
of  them  said,   "  it  is  von  shame  if  Mishter  Shones  be  not 
elected,  for  he  is  the  Committee  of  the  Shairman  of  Mean 

Ways!"  __ 

"TT7E   should  like  to  know  how  long  it  takes  a  man  to  learn  the 
VV    full  trade  of  lying.     The  editor  of  the  "  Louisville  Journal  " 
has  been  at  it  all  his  life  and  is  still  a  "  Prentice.'1'' — Bolivar  (Tenn.) 
Democrat. 

Well,  some  people,  as  you  say  of  us,  never  do  learn  the 
trade,  whilst  others,  like  yourself,  are  born  to  its  full  and 
perfect  practice.  *4" 

IN"  Sweden   a  man  who  is  seen  four  times  drunk  is  de 
prived  of  a  vote  at  elections.      In  some  of  our  large 
cities  this  rule  is  reversed ;  a  drunken  man  is  made  to  vote 
four  times. 


npHERE  are  two  periods  when  Congress  does  no  business 
J-  — one  is  before  the  holidays  and  the  other  after. 


ONE  writer  tells  us  that  "  words  are  poor  weapons,"  and 
another  that  "  weapons  are  the  worst  arguments."     If 
a  man  must  neither  talk  nor  fight,  how  are  we  to  defend 
ourselves  in  this  world  ? 


ONE  of  our  exchanges  has  an  editorial  on  "  Children  and 
Marriage."     The  collocation  of  its  words  is  incorrect, 
unless  it  is  published  in  a  loose  community. 


THE  "  Sun  "  boasts  of  its  independence  and  truthfulness. 
If  it  had  mouths  and  hands  enough  to  lie  with,  it  would 
tell  as  many  lies  as  its  big  namesake  in  the  heavens  ever 
shone  upon. 


PEENTICEANA.  271 

THE  recent  execution  of  a  woman  in  Pennsylvania  has 
called  up  the  old  question,   "  should  women  be  hanged 
for  murder  ?"     We  used  to  be  on  the  negative  side  of  the 
debate,  but  now,  as  women  insist  on  equal  rights  with  the 
men,  we  think  the  sexes  should  hang  together. 


THEY  have  got  a  county  judge  in  Texas  who  is  said  to 
-*-  have  three  hands.  How  can  such  an  odd-handed  judge 
be  expected  to  administer  even-handed  justice  ? 


A  LOCOFOCO  paper  says  that  the  "  sea  of  popular  favor 
£*•  is  swelling  around  the  administration."  Mr.  Bucha 
nan  may  be  called,  then,  "  the  old  man  of  the  sea." 


THE  sweetest  serenade  that  a  woman  hears  in  all  her  life  is 
the  first  low  tone  of  her  first-born.  -^ 


A  GRACEFUL  CORRECTION.— "  The  proper  study  of  mankind 
is  woman." — Punch.    <, 

Woman  is  certainly  wonderfully  constructed;  we  have 
always  loved  to  study  her  and  get  her  by  heart.  Our 
first  lessons  Avere  delightful,  but  the  maturer  philosophy  is 
eublimely  grand  and  expansive. 


HAVE  you  laid  in  your  winter  fuel  ?     Should  the  Ohio 
river  freeze,  you  may  pass  through  the  entire  season 
vithout  being:  coal'd. 


|  F  M.  Belly  intends  to  make  war  with  the  United  States 
-»-  on  account  of  Nicaraguan  affairs,  he  ought  to  look  to 
bis  preparations.  How  are  his  navel  affairs  ? 


272  PKENTICEANA. 

MRS.  HENN,   of  Liverpool,  has,  it  is   said,  amassed  a 
splendid  fortune  by  speculating  in  railroad  shares.    The 
family  are  somewhat  celebrated  for  feathering  their  own 

nests. 

•  •  • 

A  MAN  is  exhibiting  himself  in  New  York  who  claims  to 
live  on  paving-stones.     We  have  lived  on  them  a  great 
many  years,  and  always  envied  the  healthy  digestion  of  the 
farmers  and  agriculturists  who  lived  on  green-sward. 


A   GOOD  way  to  light  some  cities  with  gas  would  be  to 
-£*-  set  fire  to  their  editors. 


HIE  doctor  is  not  unfrequently  Death's  pilot-fish. 


THE  Atlantic  cable  was  payed  out  at  first  and  has  never 
paid   anything   since.     It  lived  a  long  while  upon   its 
credit,  but  now  even  its  last  tick  has  been  stopped. 


JOHN"  H.  STORY,  alocofoco  editor  of  Minnesota,  was  per- 
*J  sonally  punished  the  other. day  for  a  libel  on  a  brother 
editor.  There  are  two  sides  to  every  story,  and  one  of 
John's  has  been  kicked. 


A  KENTUCKY  editor  being  charged  with  having  "  ap 
peared  in  a  certain  capacity,"  denies  it.     He  certainly 
might,  with  at  least  equal  truth,  deny  that  any  capacity 

ever  appeared  in  him. 

»-•-• — 

A  WASHINGTON  letter  says  that  Mr.  Douglas  "  took 
his  gun  very  early  the  other  morning  and  went  duck 
ing.''''     The  Illinois  senator  is  a  great  deal  more  used  to 
crowing  and  quailing. 


PRENTICEANA.  273 

OUR  neighbor  of  the  "Democrat"  tries  to  make  fun  of 
logic.     We  have  known  him  to  succeed  better  without 
trying. 

THE  "  Hillsboro  Journal "  speaks  of  five  women  in  that 
town,   "  the  smallest  of  whom  is  seven  feet  in  circum 
ference."     Women  must  be  thick  up  there. 


TOKNT  MITCHEL,  who  made  his  escape  from  Botany 
*J  Bay,  should  remember  that  when  he  abuses  fugitive 
slaves,  he  abuses  himself. 


New  Orleans  papers  complain  that  the  bars  at  the 
-  mouth  of  the  Mississippi  are  becoming  a  more  formidable 
obstruction  than  ever.  We  guess  New  Orleans  will  have 
to  let  them  down. 

A  YOUNG  lady  in  Pittsburg  discarded  her  lover  for  his 
•£*-  small  size.  In  his  resentment  he  burned  her  father's 
house.  "  Lo  !  what  a  big  fire  a  little  spark  kindleth !" 


THE  editor  of  the  Minnesota  "Times"  says  that  he  throws 
down  our  paper  with  contempt.     We  don't  believe  it ; 
our  paper  is  not  to  be  "  cast  down  by  trifles." 


are  nqj  addicted  to  telling  fibs. — Democrat. 
That's  one. — Journal. 


IN"  a  recent  fight  in  California  between  a  lawyer  and  a 
doctor,  both  armed  with  broad-swords,  the  lawyer  cut 
off  the  doctor's  left  hand,  and  the  doctor  genteelly  ampu 
tated  the  lawyer's  head.     That  was  "sharp  practice"  on 
both  sides. 

12* 


274:  PKENTICEANA 

IV/TR.  J.  G.  SPOTT,  a  small  office-holder  in  Minnesota, 
•"-*-  complains  bitterly  in  a  card  that  some  of  his  own  poli 
tical  friends  are  resolved  to  get  him  out,  but  predicts  that 
they  will  fail.  No  doubt  Mr.  Spott  thinks  they  will  succeed 
as  badly  as  Lady  Macbeth  when  in  despair  she  exclaimed, 
"  Out,  damned  spot." 

HPHE  editor  of  the  " Mercury  "  says  he  has  no  con- 

•*-  sideration  for  trifles.  We  suppose  'tis  but  his  mode  of 
confessing  his  want  of  self-respect. 


TT7"E  wonder  what  can  be  the  cause  of  the  very  extraordi- 
"'  nary  aversion  that  our  members  of  Congress  have  to 
time.     They  are  eternally  speaking  against  it. 


IT  is  said  that  the  fur-traders  in  the  Northwest  have  had 
large  quantities  of  peltries  stolen  by  the  Indians.     Peo 
ple  who  trade  among  savages  should  look  out  for  their 
hides. 

o~e~* 

fTHE  "  Charlestown  Mercury  "  says  "  there  was  a  breach 
J-  in  the  Democracy  of  the  late  Congress  that  could  not 
be  healed."  That's  strange.  Senator  Johnson,  of  Tennes 
see,  is  very  vain  of  having  been  a  journeyman  tailor,  and 
why  wasn't  he  called  in  to  mend  the  Democratic  breeches  ? 


A  VIRGINIA   paper  says  that   the   portion  of  the  Old 
Dominion  called  the  Panhandle  is  inhabited  by  aboli 
tionists.     If  the  abolitionists  have  got  hold  of  the  handle  of 
the  pan,  isn't  there  danger  that  they  may  upset  the  whole 
utensil  ? 

THE  elephant  is  not  the  greatest  beast  in  the  world.    Ho 
abhors  tobacco. 


PKENTICEANA.  275 

I 

4  NEW  YORK  justice  recently  sent  a  negro  to  the  prison 
A  six  mouths  for  lying.  No  doubt  he  thought  lying  too 
great  a  luxury  to  be  enjoyed  by  an  inferior  race. 


THE  "  New  Hampshire  Statesman  "  says  of  a  late  meeting 
of  locofocos,  that  they  "  entirely  filled  a  two-acre  lot." 
It  was  a  miserable  lot  of  politicians. 


ft  T  WISH,  Mr.  Speaker,  to  present  a  liquor  bill,"  said  a 
-*-  red-nosed  member  of  a  western  legislature.    He  never 
presents  any  other  kind. 


HPHE  editor  of  a  Minnesota  paper  says  he  "  he  can  gcner- 
J-  ally  manage,  by  hook  or  by  crook,  to  get  up  a  pretty 
good  paper."  He  does  it  principally  by  hook. 


A  REPUBLICAN  paper  in  Pennsylvania  says  that  certain 
-ft-  persons  in  the  South  contemplate  making  Old  Buck  a 
present  of  "  a  plantation  stocked  with  niggers."  The  nig 
gers,  when  he  owns  them,  will  all  be  "  Buck-niggers." 


A  DUBUQUE  paper  says  complainingly  that  "  money  is 
•£*•  close."  We  are  afraid  that  it  isn't  close  enough  to  be 
reached. 

rrHE  King  of  Naples  is  growing  thin  and  failing  even  on  a  diet  of 
1    ass's  milk. — Exchange. 

How  does  it  agree  with  people  here  ?     What  is  the  con 
dition  of  your  readers  ? 

WE  have  heard  of  a  great  many  trials  of  reapers  and 
mowers,  but  we  never  before  heard  of  anything  liko 
the  recent  trial  of  Sickels. 


276  PRENTIOEANA. 

THE  "  Morgan  Republic  "  hopes  that  every  member  of  the 
Ohio  legislature,  who  voted  against  the  bill  to  tax  clogs, 
may  be  bitten  by  them.     If  the  animals  are  sagacious,  they 
will  be  more  likely  to  bite  those  who  voted  to  tax  them. 


"  Washington  Union  "  says  the  gates  of  hell  cannot 
•*•  prevail  against  the  Democratic  party.  Certainly  not — • 
on  the  contrary,  the  gates  will  readily  give  way  and  let  the 
whole  concern  in. 

JOHN  MILLER  announces  in  a  Minnesota  paper  that  he 
has  left  the  Buchanan  men  and  joined  Douglas.     It  is  no 
new  thing  for  Millers  to  be  bolters. 


IN  South  Bend,  on  the  20th  inst.,  by  Rev.  Ira  Corwin, 
William  H.  Drapier,  editor  of  the  "  St.  Joseph  County 
Forum,"  to  Miss  Sarah  J.  Chord,  daughter  of  Samuel  M. 
Chord,  Esq.,  all  of  that  place.  We  have  thought  for  some 
time  that  our  young  Democratic  friend  Drapier  richly 
deserved  to  have  a  Chord  around  his  neck.  May  there  be 
no  release  for  him  till  he  is  "  dead,  dead,  dead." 


OUR  old  friend  Mrs.  S  \vissh  elm  hits  us  tolerably  hard. 
Dear  Jane,  we  may  give  a  kiss  for  a  blow  if  you  can 
manage  to  wait  till  it  is  convenient. 


A    BOARDER  at  a  hotel  in  Chicago  missed  $50.     A  ser 


vant,  named  Abraham,  was  arrested  on  suspicion.     The 
money  was  found  in  "  Abraham's  bosom." 


Y- 


EVE'S  daughters  are  smarter  than  she  was.     The  devil 
got  the   better   of  her,  but   some  of  them   beat  the 
devil. 


PEENTICEANA.  277 

AT  the  Democratic  barbecue  at  Paris,  last  week,  Vice- 
President  Breckinridge  said  "  The  track  of  the  Demo 
cratic  party  %vas  strewn  with  the  necks  of  its  opponents." 
And  the  necks  of  whisky  bottles,  he  might  have  added,  as 
a  truthful  compliment  to  old  Bourbon,  the  ground  he  stood 
on. 


TUT?,  T.  H.  CAPERS,  of  the  "Texas  Herald,"  asks  if  we 
-L'J-  have  cut  him.  Oh,  no ;  we  never  cut  anything  bearing 
his  name. 


A  TEXAS  man,  named  Trask,  breaks  every  jail  he  is  put 
into.     He  has  a  sort  of  "breaking  out"  that  can't  be 
cured. 

rtAPTAUST  TRAVIS,  the  pistol-shooter,  recently  hit  a 
\J  small  crack  in  a  target  out  in  the  woods  seventeen  times 
in  succession.  He  will  pass  for  a  "  crack-shot." 


T)  HIGH  AM  YOUNG  says,  "if  our  enemies  were  to  come 
•U  here  in  a  proper  spirit,  they  would  in  one  month  em 
brace  our  religion."  More  likely  your  wives,  old  fellow. 


IT  would  seem  that  men  often  value  the  work  of  human 
hands  more  than  they  do  those  of  nature.     In  Florence, 
the  marble  statue  of  a  girl  often  brings  ten  thousand  dollars, 
but  in  Constantinople  you  can  with  that  amount  buy  a 
dozen  lovelier  creatures  of  flesh  and  blood. 


IT  is  stated  in  a  Cape  Cod  paper  that  the  mackerel,  though 
not  decreasing  in  numbers,  are  becoming  every  year 
harder  and  harder  to  catch.     We  suppose  they  are  getting 
smarter  and  more  knowing.     It  is  very  natural,  for  they  are 
generally  found  in  schools.  * 


- 

278  PRENTIGEANA. 

^  OIIALL  I  help  you,  sir,  to  some  of  the  calves'  brains  ?" 
^  "  No,  madam,  I  flatter  myself  I  have  brains  enough." 
"  Yes,  sir,  and  of  just  the  same  sort." 


rjlHE  Paducah  paper  calls  one  of  our  city  contemporaries 
A   "  a  notable  editor."     Probably  he  means  not  able. 


ALOCOFOCO  editor  in  Indiana  suggests  to  the  "  Louis 
ville  Journal "  to  "  draw  in  its  horns."     He  no  doubt 
sucks  in  his — with  a  straw. 


MR.  GREEN",  an  Indiana  editor,  calls  certain  columns  of 
ours  "  half-witty."     If  his  were  not  more  than  half- 
Green,  his  paper  would  be  worth  twice  as  much  as  it  is. 


A  WOMAN"  in  Reading  recently  had  four  babies  within 
twelve  hours.     She  obeyed  but  half  of  the   old  injunc 
tion  to  "  labor  and  wait." 


A  WRITER   in    the     "  Pennsylvanian "    asks   whether 
"  Major  Botts "  is  thought  of  seriously  for  the  Presi 
dency.     No,  but  we  understand  Minor  Botts  is. 


A  GENTLEMAN,  who  calls  himself  a  Methodist  preacher, 
has  sent  us  a  strange  political  letter.     There  seems  to 
be  some  method  in  his  madness  and  a  good  deal  of  madness 
in  his  Methodism. 

OUR  neighbor  thinks  that  the  most  appropriate  presents 
that  the   ladies  could  make  us,  would  be  presents  of 
mind.    We  guess  that  many  a  lady  has  made  him  a  pres 
ent  of  a  piece  of  her  mind. 


PRENTICEANA.  279 

A  KENTUCKY  editor  says  that  among  other*  presents, 
the  ladies  have  sometimes  given  us  scissors.  Oh,  yes, 
some  of  them  have  given  us  pretty  pairs  of  scissors,  accom 
panying  the  gift  with  the  old  motto — "we  part  to  meet 
again."  Let  those  beware  who,  like  our  ugly  neighbor, 
would  come  between. 


AN  Arkansas  paper  boasts  tremendously  of  its  freedom. 
We  suppose  'tis  as  free  as  the  air,  as  free  as  the  waves, 
as  free  as  a  Free-Lover's  love,  as  free  as  a  thief  makes  him 
self  with  the  contents  of  a  gentleman's  pocket. 


"  Minnesota  Times "  says  that  the  intensely  cold 
weather   prevailing  up   there  is   "  unheard   of."     We 
wonder  if  it  is  unfelt. 


npIIE  "Madison  Courier"  says  that  the  editor  of  the 
•*•  "  Democrat "  exhibits  no  consistency.  That's  a  fact. 
Consistency  is  a  jewel,  and  we  believe  our  plain  neighbor 
wears  no  kind  of  jewelry. 

/TARRY    me,  my  dear  girl,  and    you  will  have  seen 
the  end  of  trouble."     "  Which  end,  sir  ?" 


IF  a  man  is  crazy  on  the  subject  of  money,  is  it  monoma 
nia  or  money-mania  ? 

0-0-0 

TWO  young  Cincinnatians  ran  away  with  a  couple  of  ves- 
A  sels  from  that  city,  last  week.  The  vessels  were  of  that 
kind  St.  Paul  calls  "the  weaker  vessels." 


A  GOOD  many  men  and  women  want  to  get  posession  of 
secrets  just  as  spendthrifts  want  to  get  money — for  cir 
culation. 


280  PKENTICEAKA. 

rFHE  Opposition  in  Kentucky  are  in  a  bad  way. — Arkansas  Times. 
The  Democracy  in  Arkansas  are  in  a  bad  State. 


T  A !  Ha !  Ha !  — Locofoco  paper. 


H 


The  animal  is  calling  for  hay.  An  ass  is  not  generally 
expected  to  be  able  to  spell  very  well  when  asking  for 
fodder. 


editor  of  the  "  Memphis  Enquirer  "  says  that  a  man 
•••  should  never  attempt  to  kiss  a  lady's  hand  without 
knowing  whether  it  would  be  agreeable  to  her.  But,  pray, 
how  is  he  to  ascertain  whether  it  would  be  agreeable  or 

O 

not  ?  Must  he,  as  a  preliminary,  or  rather  a  feeler,  squeeze 
her  hand  a  little  to  see  how  she  likes  that  ?  Or  should  he 
make  a  direct  and  formal  proposition  to  her  —  my  dear 
creature,  please  let  me  kiss  your  hand  ?  Or  should  he  gaze 
steadfastly  into  her  eyes  until  he  sees,  written  distinctly 
upon  the  retina,  "  please  kiss  me,  sir,"  or  until  she  presents 
him  with  the  little  flower  "jump  up  and  kiss  me  ?" 


A  WRITER  in  the  "  Texas  Telegraph  »  says  he  has  been 
hunting  three  months  in  vain  for  a  situation,  and  almost 
wishes  himself  an  oyster.     If  he  were,  he  would  find  right 
under  every  man's  nose  a  fine  opening  for  himself. 


IT  takes  a  member  of  the  Illinois  Legislature  a  considera 
ble   time   to  get  rich  in  the  service.     He  receives  one 
dollar  a  day  and  pays  two  for  board  ;  the  rest  he  is  expected 
to  "  give  to  the  poor." 


editor  of  the  "  Charleston  Mercury  says  "  the  deluge 
J-  is  coming."  Does  he  think  he  is  knower  enough  to  ride 
out  the  storm  ? 


PKENTICEANA.  281 

THE  "  Washington  Constitution  "  says  that  falsehoods  are 
-•-  a  common  currency.  The  readers  of  the  Constitution 
are  rich  in  that  kind  of  currency. .  They  are  in  the  regular 
receipt  of  their  "  ten  thousand  a  year." 


A  WRITER  in  the  "  Boston  Courier "  says  he  doesn't 
like  Piccolomiui's  gate.     Perhaps  her  father  kicked  him 
out  of  it. 

AN  able  writer  says  that  "  a  man,  by  exposing  himself  to 
martyrdom,  proves  that  he  is  not  a  knave."     Oh  no,  it 
may  show  nothing  more  than  that  he  io  so  desperately  in 
love  with  knavery  as  to  be  willing  to  die  for  it. 


editor  of  a  Down  East  paper  says  that  there  is  "  no- 
thing  of  the  monk  "  about  him.   We  have  been  disposed 
to  think  him  a  little  monkey. 


WHILE  a  horse  was  running  away  in  the  streets  of  Bos 
ton,  a  child  three  years  old  toddled  directly  before 
him,  and  he  jumped  right  over  its  head.     That  horse  was 
the  right  sort  of  a  "baby-jumper." 


A  CORRESPONDENT  of  a  St.  Louis  paper  says  that 
"  it  is  very  difficult  to  cross  the  plains  between  Utah 
and  the  States."     It  is  so  difficult  that  the  truth  has  not' 
been  able  to  cross  them,  though  falsehood,  with  her  longer 
stride,  has.  

IF  two  members  of  Congress  are  hostile  to  each  other,  and 
one  of  them  wants  amicable  relations  restored,  he  has 
only  to  call  his  antagonist  "  a  liar  and  a  scoundrel."      Then 
he  gets  a  challenge;  friends  interfere — and  the  work  is 
done. 


282  PEENTICEANA. 

THE  "  bears  "  have  recently  carried  the  day  in  the  eastern 
stock-markets,  and  the  bares  at  our  fashionable  parties 
all  over  the  country. 


A  TENNESSEE  editor  charges  that  Mississippians,  as  a 
general  rule,  can  stand  dunning  better  than  any  people 
he  ever  saw.     We  suppose  tney  have  lived  so  long  in  a 
mosquito    country  that  they  don't  mind   being   bored  by 
bills.  ooo 

AT  the  last  dates  from  Kansas,  it  seemed  likely  that  Gen. 
Jim  Lane's  leg  would  have  to  be  cut  off.    Well,  in  that 
case  he  will,  as  a  candidate  for  office,  stump  it  all  the  bet 
ter. 

OQO 

TT  is  a  very  rare  thing  to  find  a  man  preferring  his  neigh- 
J-  bor's  son  or  daughter  to  his  own.  It  is  not  half  so 
rare  to  find  one  preferring  his  neighbor's  wife  to  his  own. 


IT  is  rather  melancholy  that  the  two  greatest  living  novel 
ists,  Dickens  and  Bulwer,  are  separated  from  their  wives. 
Each  of  the  two  seems  to  be  idolized  by  almost  every  lady 
in  the  world  except  the  one  be  exchanged  vows  with  at  the 
altar. 

MISS  MITCHELL,  the  famous   American   astronomer,  has  re 
turned  to  her  home  in  Massachusetts. — Exchange. 
We  have  two  famous  Miss  Mitchells — one  an  astronomer 
and  the  other  a  star. 

IIHE  "  Montgomery  Journal "  undertakes  to  explain  phi 
losophically  why  certain  persons  grow  very  tall.     We 
presume  the  simple  reason  is  that  they  can  do  "  nothing 
shorter." 

- 


PKENTICEANA.  283 

THE  President  proffered  an  office  to  a  Democrat  out  in 
Illinois,  and  the  Democrat,  in  his  letter  of  acceptance, 
enumerated  to  the  President  the  perquisites  he  should  ex 
pect  with  the  office.  This  fellow  is  like  the  Irishman,  who 
was  about  to  marry  a  southern  girl.  "  Will  you  take  this 
woman  as  your  wedded  wife  ?"  "  Yes,  your  riv'rance,  and 

the  nagurs  too." .  * 

•-*-* — 

SENATOR  BIGLER  and  the  Hon.  Jehu  G.  Jones,  are 
^  making  every  exertion  to  rally  the  Lecompton  Demo 
cracy  of  Pennsylvania.  Jehu  drives  ahead  with  all  his 
might,  and  Bigler  "  drives  like  Jehu." 


A  CORRESPONDENT  named  Short,  who  professes  to 
-L*-  be  an  ardent  admirer  of  ours,  writes  that  he  is  coming 
to  our  office  to  scold  us  about  a  certain  matter.  We  rather 
object  to  such  Short-comings. 


rpHE  Roman  Catholic  organ  in  New  York  complains  of 
-L  the  lack  of  proper  support.  It  says  that  Roman  Catho 
lic  papers  in  Europe  are  always  prosperous.  No  doubt  they 
grow  fat — fed  with  steaks  from  the  rumps  of  papal  bulls. 


FT1HERE  is  an  editor  in  Alabama  named  Drinkard.  The 
-L  editor  of  the  "Indiana  Times"  might  with  truth  say  to 
him:  "If  *  were  w,  you  would  be  just  what  I  am." 


SOME  sharper^  seem  to  act  upon  the  assumption  that,  if 
they  cheat  a  poor  fellow  out  of  his  farm,  he  has  no 
ground  for  complaint. 

t-t-9 

SOME  people  use  one-half  their  ingenuity  to  get  into 
debt,  and  the  other  half  to  avoid  paying  it. 


284  PEENTICEANA. 

A  CERTAIN  western  editor,  complains  that  lie  fell  from 
his  horse  the  other  day,  and  is  a  little  lame.     He  was 
always  a  mere  apology  for  an  editor,  and  now  we  suppose 
he  is  "  a  lame  apology." 


A  WRITER   of  dull  tales   and   essays    boasts   that   he 
"  takes  great  pains"  with  what  he  writes.     Let  him,  by 
all   means,  stop   then,  for   he   gives'  more   pains  than  he 
takes. 


is  called  "  the  Key  of  the  Gulf."  Spain  carries 
the  key  at  her  girdle  ;  but,  if  she  use  it  to  lock  us  in  or 
out,  we  shall  have  to  blow  her  lock  open  and  herself  up  with 
gunpowder. 

MR.  J.  R.  WALL,  an  Alabama  Democrat,  talks  about 
the    "lies   in  circulation"  in  his  neighborhood.     We 
guess  there  would  be  little  trouble  in  pinning  the  greater 
part  of  them  to  the  Wall. 


AMR.  DAVIS  says  in  an  Illlinois  paper,  that  "  no  living 
man  "  can  match  him  as  a  reaper.     We  don't  suppose 
that  any  dead  one  can,  though  Death  himself  could  beat 
him. 


HOG-RAISER  in  Indiana  has  written  us  an  impudent 
letter.     We  advise  him  to  stop  writing.     The  only  pen 
he  has  that's  of  any  account  is  his  pig-pen. 


A 


¥E  have  often  heard  of  pitching  tents,  but  a  democratic 
editor  boasts  that  his  party,  in  the  spring  of  1860,  "  will 
pitch  their  platform."     Let  them  pitch  it  well,  and  there 
may  be  a  chance  of  their  sticking  to  it. 


PKENTICEANA.  285 

rpHE  editor  of  the  Constitution  says,  that  he  "  ignores  the 
•*-  American  party."     He  is  a  fellow  of  infinite   ignore- 


¥OMEX  have  surely  no  business  to  sulk,  or  fib,  or  swear, 
or  drink,  for  they  make  us  men  do  all  four  of  these 
ugly  things,  more  than  enough  for  ourselves  and  them. 


IT  is  in  vain  to  hope  to  please  all  alike.     Let  a  man  stand 
with  his  face  in  what  direction  he  will,  he  must  neces 
sarily  turn  his  back  on  one  half  of  the  world. 


IT  is  very  well  to  blush  when  you  are  detected  in  a  mean 
act,  but  you  had  a  great  deal  better  blush  when  you  first 
think  of  committing  it. 


IF  water  were  so  scarce  as  to  command  a  high  price,  men 
would  esteem  it  the  greatest  of  luxuries,  and  drunken 
ness  would  be  less  common  than  it  is. 


GREAT  difference  between  us  and  one  of  our  neigh 
bors  is,  that  we  don't  tell  half  of  what  we  know,  while 
he  doesn't  know  half  of  what  he  tells. 


A 


A  SOUTHERN  editor  admits,  with  evident  vanity,  that 
he  is  somewhat  "  sudden  and  quick  in  quarrel."     Sud 
den  and  quick  to  run  away,  we  guess. 


ft    AH,   my   dear   girl,    you   have   the   ring   of  the   true 
-&   metal."     "  ISTo,  I  haven't,  sir.     You  said  that  it  was 
pure  gold  when  you  gave  it  to  me,  but  the  jeweler  says 
'tis  nothing  but  bogus." 


286  PRENTICEANA. 

)  matter  how  earnestly  a  bad  man  may  invite  you  to 
visit  his  house,  don't  "  put  your  foot  in  it." 


MR.  JAMES  SKIPP,  an  old  scholar  of  ours,  has  married 
a  Miss  Stone.    Jimmy  is  at  his  old  tricks  ;  he  always 
used  to  Skipp  the  hard  words. 


THE  genuine  locofoco  party  in  this  country  is  the  natural 
child  of  the  Jacobin  party  of  France.  So  it  needn't 
undertake  to  put  on  airs.  "  Won't  go,  hey  ?"  said  a  negro 
boy  to  the  mule  he  was  trying  to  drive  ;  "  feel  grand,  do 
you  ?  S'pose  you've  forgot  that  your  father  was  a  jack 
ass." 

**_• 

MR.  J.  P.  LUSE  has  succeeded  the  Messrs.  Terrill  in  the 
management  of  the  "Lafayette  (Ind.)  Journal."     The 
democratic  papers  all  slandered  the  Terrills,  and  now  we 
suppose  they  will  be  lying  about  Luse. 


mHE  "  Washington  Union "  attributes  the  decay  of  the  Demo- 
JL  cratic  party  to  its  excess  of  great  men. —  Gin.  Times. 

The  "  Union  "  had  better  attribute  the  decay  not  to  the 
excess  of  its  great  men  but  to  the  shameful  excesses  of  its 
little  ones.  __ 

THE  ex-office-holder  of  the  "Democrat"  hasn't  half  so 
much  spirit  as  an  overloaded  musket.     He  didn't  kick 
when  he  wras  discharged. 


riTHE  editor  of  a  Southern  paper  promises  to  dispose  of  the 
A  entire  slavery  question  "  in  a  few  short  articles."  He 
says  he  has  it  all  in  his  head.  Well,  we  have  heard  that 
the  whole  thing  was  in  a  nut-shell. 


PKENTICEANA.  287 

THE  editor  of  a  New  Hampshire  paper  complains  that  his 
political  opponents  make  a  mark  of  him.    He  is  certainly 
a  mark  that  every  honest  man  ought  to  toe. 


THE  "  Richmond  Whig "  says  that  Mr.  Buchanan  in  his 
desperation  "  is  ready  to  seize  hold  of  anything  pre 
sented  to  him."     Will  some  kind  friend  do  us  the  favor  to 
extend  to  him  the  hot  end  of  a  pokei  ? 


AMISS  WAY  advertises  that  she  will  debate  woman's  rights 
with  a  Kentucky  lawyer  in  that  city,  after  which  she  will 
make  a  grand  balloon  ascension  from  Congo  Square. — Exchange. 

Does  she  propose  to  take  the  Kentucky  lawyer  up  with 
her  ?  Or  does  she  mean  to  throw  him  sky  high  in  the 
argument  and  then  go  up  after  him  in  her  balloon  ? 


fTlO  God,  and  God  alone  we  bow. — Lebanon  Democrat. 

Couldn't  you  make  a  pretty  bow  to  a  handsome  woman  ? 


A  WOMAN  was  severely  beaten  in  Cleveland  last  week 
-£*•  by  her  illegitimate  son.  The  boy,  although  the  natural 
son  of  his  father,  is  a  very  unnatural  one  to  his  mother. 


THHE  "  Boston  Bee  "  says  that  the  Democracy's  back  if 
-ft-  broken.  Well,  although  we  are  no  surgeon,  we  have  no 
objection  to  give  it  a  set-back. 


A  CORRESPONDENT  says  that  Gen.  Cass  once  made  a 
£*-  positive  engagement  to  join  the  Know  Nothing  society. 
We  don't  believe  it.  We  don't  think  that  the  "  old  Michi- 
gander  »  could  ever  have  been  "  right  on  the  goose." 


288  PRENTICEANA. 

11THY  does  a  ship-builder  daub  the  outside  of  his  vessel 
all  over  with  tar  ?    Would  it  not  be  sufficiently  pitched 
by  the  ocean  ? 

TAKE  good  care  of  your  cattle  and  horses,  for  they  are 
your  own  flesh  and  blood. 


A  CINCINNATI  paper  mentions  a  successful  pork-dealer 
turned  lawyer.    We  hope  he  doesn't  mean  to  turn  from 
pork-packing  to  jury-packing. 


A  CORRESPONDENT  writes  to  us  that  he  has  carried 
the  "  Louisville  Journal "  in  his  pocket  through  a  jour 
ney  of  three  thousand  miles.    He  must  be  an  honest  fellow. 
He  carries  patriotism  and  integrity  a  great  way. 


MR.  J.  SMART,  of  St.  Paul,  was  prosecuted  by  a  young 
widow  for  breach  of  promise.     He  settled  the  difficulty 
by  marrying  her.     He  made  her  Smart  lest  she  should  him. 


A  DEMOCRATIC  editor  in  this  State  says  that  he  has 
"  been  disposed  to  smile  at  the  craftiness  of  the  Opposi 
tion."     Oh  yes,  "  the  little  dog  laughed  to  see  such  craft." 


A  PUSHING  politician  in  Maine  boasts  of  having  been 
the  drawer  of  the  liquor  bill  in  that  State.     Is  he  sure 
that  he  isn't  a  drawer  of  a  good  deal  of  the  liquor  itself? 


T710REIGN  Mormons  are  still  arriving  in  New  York  in 
large  numbers,  bound  for  Salt  Lake.     Some  may  think 
they  will  be  in  danger  of  reaching  Brimstone  Lake — lying 
not  far  beyond. 


PKENTICEANA.  289 

/THE  "Atlantic  Monthly"  says  that  "woman  is  a  link 
J-  between  earth  and  heaven."  So  is  a  sausage  tossed 
into  the  air. 


editor  of  a  locofoco  paper  says  that  we  seem  to  have 
-   a  great   itch  to   come  in  constant  collision  with  him. 
We    should   certainly   expect  to   have   one   after   such   a 
contact. 


MR.  NUTT  is  a  candidate  for  office  in  Alabama.    We 
trust  some  good  Union  man  may  be  found  to  serve  as  a 
Nutt-cracker. 


SINCE  Sickles  shot  Key,  no  less  than  thirty-four  men  have  been 
shot,  or  shot  at,  by  injured  husbands,  that  we  have  account  of. 
—  Washington  Star. 

And  yet  we  can  guess  that  not  more  than  one  has  been 
shot  at,  out  of  thirty-four  that  deserved  to  be. 


A  SMALL  specimen  of  an  editor  in  Illinois  boasts  that 
he  is  a  "  Screamer."     Any  common-sized  man,  if  he 
were  to  get  hold  of  him,  could  easily  make  him  one. 


our  neighbor  of  the  "  Democrat  "  is  not  now  in  office, 
he  is  at  any  rate  only  one  remove  from  it. 


UR  neighbor  says  "  impudence  is  a  high  quality,  that 
deserves  great  commendation."     He  does  well  in  prais 
ing  the  bridge  that  carries  him  over  safe. 


A  MISSISSIPPI  editor  calls  us  an  "  old  pirate."  If  he 
J.1.  were  to  use  such  language  to  our  face,  he  might  find  us 
a  fre.Q-booter. 

13 


290  PRENTICEANA. 

AN  Illinois  editor  boasts  of  having  been  presented  with  "  an 
exquisite  mattress  and  a  beautiful  counterpane."     We 
suppose  he  will  now  lie  easier  than  ever — if  that's  possible. 


JT1HEY  have  established  a  "  swimming  school "  in  Germany. 
-*-  There  are  a  great  many  sinking  schools  in  this  country. 


AKNOXVILLE  paper  says  that  a  wife  in  that  neighbor 
hood  has  had  three  children  at  a  birth.     Her  husband 
is  entitled  to  a  divorce.     She  is  a  very  overbearing  woman. 


A  SOUTHERN"  editor,  after  a  most  vehement  exhorta 
tion  to  his  party,  on  the  eve  of  a  little  local  election, 
says  that  it  is  the  last  advice  he  has  to  breathe  to  his  friends 
upon  the  siflfject.    We  guess  they  are  not  sorry  that  he  has 
breathed  his  last. 


THE  fossil  remains  of  a  small  dog  were  found  in  the  Central  Park 
excavations  at  New  York,  the  other  day.     Attached  to  it  was  a 
piece  of  bark,  on  which,  etc. — Exchange. 

We  knew  there  were  such  things  as  fossil  dogs,  but  we 
had  no  idea  their  bark  was  ever  fossilized  with  them. 


TI7~E  observe  in  a  St.  Paul  paper,  a  notice  of  the  marriage 

'»    of  Mr.  "Henry  J.  Mander."     We  respectfully  suggest 

to  him  and  his  bride,  that  they  name  their  first  boy  Gerry, 

and  their  first  girl  Sally. 

— •-»-• 

WHEN  the  investigations  were  made  at  the  Brooklyn 
Navy  Yard,  it  was   found   that   every  kind  of  naval 
stores  and  munitions  had  been  plundered  and  sold.  Nothing 
but  their  weight  prevented  the  ordnance  from  being  rifted 
cannon. 


PRENTICEANA.  291 

ANEW  YORK   editor   exclaims,  "  How  shall  we   look 
upon  the  war  in  Europe  ?"     We  guess,  if  he  must  look 
at  it  at  all,  that  he  had  better  peep  from  the  top  of  a  high  hill, 

out  of  cannon-shot.     Byron  says  of  a  great  battle — 

.* 

"  Oh  God  !  it  is  a  lovely  sight  to  see, 
For  one  who  has  no  friend  or  brother  there." 

We  think  he  might  as  well  have  added  :    An d  who  isri>t 

there  himself. 

— •-•-• 

A  FELLOW   named  Woods  is  writing  in   an    Indiana 
paper  very  intemperately  in  favor  of  cold  water.     We 
guess  very  little  cold  water   ever   passes   "  that  neck  of 
Woods." 


DR.  BELL  says  if  war  is  long  entailed  on  a- country,  the 
physical  energies  suffer  by  the  loss  of  its  finest  popula 
tion,  so  that  the  succeeding  generations  will  be  of  diminu 
tive  stature.     War  certainly  does  cut  men  down. 


"  Democrat "  says  that  if  we  want  to  know  what 
J-  Democracy  is,  now  or  hereafter,  we  must  read  its  col- 
ums.  We  know  \^hat  it  is  now,  and  we  hope  that  its  wor 
shippers  are  apprised  of  the  solemn  truth,  that  there  is  a 
hereafter. 


THE  Democratic  party  of  Kentucky,  afraid  of  being 
detected  in  its  true  character,  is  trying  to  turn  its 
squatter-sovereignty  face  away  from  public  observation. 
Vt  will  make  nothing  by  the  motion.  When  Jones  went 
to  bed  drunk  and  turned  over,  lest  his  breath  might  betray 
him  to  his  wife,  Mrs.  Jones  is  reported  to  have  said,  in  the 
mildest  manner  in  the  world:  "You  needn't  turn  over, 
J  ones,  for  you  are  drunk  clean  through." 


292  PJRENTICEANA 

TTJ"E  have  not  the  slightest  disposition  to  interfere  with  the  busi- 
T  T  ness  of  those  clever  fellow-citizens  who  each  morning  send 
around  their  carts  and  wagons  and  deposit  at  door  fronts,  with  the 
regularity  of  newspaper  carriers,  their  blocks  of  Crystal  Lake  ice. 
Indeed,  we  are  ratlier  pleased  in  our  early  rambles,  before  the  sun 
has  scorched  the  topmost  bough  of  the  tallest  shade  trees,  to 
observe  the  miniature  glaciers  lying  alongside  the  blanket  sheet  of 
our  neighbor  of  the  "  Journal.1' — Democrat. 

No  doubt  it  is  rather  pleasant  to  see  the  Journal  and 
the  lumps  of  ice  side  by  side  ;  it  is  the  curious  conjunction 
of  ice  and  fire.  But,  if  anybody  were  to  see  the  lumps 
lying  alongside  the  "  Democrat,"  probably  nothing  would 
be  suggested  to  his  mind  except  the  inquiry,  which  was  the 
coolest,  the  ice  or  the  impudence  ! 


AN  editor  in  the  interior  of  the  State  protests  that  he  is 
not  responsible   for  what  his  neighbor  says.     He  was 
never  suspected  of  being  responsible  for  what  he  says  him 
self. 


killed  an  immense  female  snake  in  Pulaski  County 
J-  the  other  day.  We  suppose  her  surviving  mate  is  a 
grass-id  dower. 

rnilE  editor  of  a  New  Hampshire  paper  more  than  insinu- 
-L  ates  that  we  lie  sometimes.  That's  a  fact.  He  and  we 
both  lie  semi-occasionally  —  lie  in  his  paper,  and  we  in  bed. 


THE  editor  of  a  Southern  paper,  who  calls  himself  a  Cap- 
-l  tain,  steals  half  his  paragraphs  from  us  and  half  from 
other  people.  He  ought  to  be  a  captain  of  a  rifle  company. 


crowing  editor  of  a  Democratic  paper  in  the  interior 
calls   the   "  Louisville  Journal "   "  a  scarecrow."      We 
guess  it  will  scare  all  the  "  crow"  out  of  him. 


PKENTICEAHSTA. 


ONE  of  the  prominent  speakers  at  the  Democratic  pow-wow,  at 
Banger,  said  that  he   "  expected  to  spend  eternity  in  the  com 
pany  of  Democrats  !"  —  New  Hampshire  Statesman. 

There  is  danger  that  he  will,  unless  he  repent  of  his  sins. 


T  ONGFELLOW  wrote  Hyperion  to  win  a  wife,  and  of 
U  course  he  will  never  write  anything  equal  to  it  till  he 
shall  become  a  widower. 


A 


N  Indiana  paper  calls  Mrs.  Swisshelm  "  a  fierce  old  hen." 
We  guess  she'll  "  come  to  the  scratch." 


MR.  JOHN  COTTON  says,  in  a  rather  bitter  letter  in  a 
Minnesota  paper,  that  he  has  been  asking  office  from  his 
party  for  five  years  without  obtaining  it.    Evidently  Cotton 
isn't  king  up  that  way. 

-  •-*-•  - 


"MONSIEUR  BLONDIN  took  two  drinks  while  he 
J-'J-  walking  his  tight-rope  over  Niagara  the  last  time. 
Some  of  the  spectators  were  apprehensive  that  he  would  get 
tighter  than  his  rope. 


last  Legislature  of  Texas  contained  thirteen  "men  of 
mark."     Not  one  of  them  could  write  his  name. 


4  MAN  in  Wisconsin,  who  unfortunately  had  his  nose 
-L*  pulled  last  week,  makes  bitter  complaint  in  the  Madison 
papers.  He  doesn't  attempt  to  show,  however,  that  his  nose 
didn't  have  "a  fair  shake." 


AN   Ofyposition   editor   says  that   our  neighbor   of  the 
"  Democrat "  is  evidently  ashamed  of  himself.     What  a 
pity  he  can't  change  countenance. 


294  PBENTIOEANA. 

THE  editor   of  the  calls  the   opposition  papers 
_  "  retailers  of  falsehoods."     But  why  should  a  wholesale 
dealer  in  that  article  turn  up  his  nose  at  the  retailers  ? 


A  N  oyster's  mouth  is  not  at  all  handsome,  but  it  some- 
-£*.  times  has  whiter  and  more  beautiful  pearls  in  it  than 
the  mouth  of  the  loveliest  woman. 


T)RIGHAM  YOUNG  says,  in  one  of  his  late  manifestoes, 
J-J  that  "the  great  resources  of  Utah  are  her  women."  It 
is  very  evident  that  the  prophet  is  disposed  to  husband  his 
resources. 


T 


HE  editor  of  the  "  New  Hampshire  Democrat "  gives 
-L  notice  that  he  is  upon  our  track.  It  is  well  that,  for 
once  in  his  life,  he  is  engaged  in  the  pursuit  of  the  good,  the 
honest,  and  the  true. 


1HE  editor  of  a  Yankee  paper  threatens  to  hop  on  us. 
Such  hops  might  brew  him  trouble. 


MONSIEUR  BLONDIN  talks  of  crossing  Niagara  again 
with  his  wheel-barrow.     Monsieur's  barrow  will  get  to 
be  a  bore.  

IT  is  the  general  impression  that  buffalo  tongues  are  more 
prized  than  any  other,  but  we  believe  that,  as  a  general 
rule,  lawyer's  tongues  sell  highest  in  market. 


MR.  JOSEPH  NURSE,  one  of  the  Free  Soil  editors  in 
Kansas,  says  that  the  Missourians  threaten  to  throw 
him  into  the  river.     Perhaps  a  wet  nurse  is  needed  there. 


PBENTICEANA.  295 

A  FRIEND  in  the  Pond  settlements  has  sent  us  the  big- 
•£>-  gest  bulrush  that  ever  grew.  We  mean  to  use  it  as  a 
walking-cane,  So,  wherever  we  go  hereafter,  we  shall  go 
with  a  rush. 


nnHE  "  London  Times "  says  that  "  the  Austrian  soldiers 
-L  are  the  best-drilled  troops  in  the  world."      Certainly 
those  of  them  who   met  the   Zouave  bayonets,  were   as 
thoroughly  "  drilled  "  as  any  poor  devils  ever  were. 


4  DEMOCRATIC  organ  says  that  the  Opposition  "  has 
•£*-  two  faces."  It  has  thousands  effaces,  for  it  consists  of 
thousands  of  persons,  each  one  with  a  face  of  his  own. 


1\ /TR.  NORTH,  of  the  " Times,"  says  that  he  has 

-J-'-L  debts  owing  to  him  in  all  directions.     But  we  suppose 
that  they  are  all  "  due  North." 


A  WRITER  in  the  "  Literary  Messenger  "  asks  "  if  there 
is  no  way  for  a  lady  always  to  remain  young ?"     Cer 
tainly  there  is — she  can  go  to  Utah  and  marry  Brigham. 


M  npHE  discordant  spirit  which  recently  prevailed  in  your 
JL   party,"  said  one  politician  to  another,  "  seems  to  be 
passing  into  ours."     "  Oh  yes ;  when  the  devils  were  cast 
out  of  the  man  they  entered  into  the  herd  of  swine." 


A  BACHELOR,  writing  us  from  the  interior  of  California 
•f*-  says  that,  although  young  women  from  this  side  of  the 
continent  often  arrive  unmarried  on  the  Californian  coast, 
they  never  get  in  that  condition  to  the  interior.  We  sup 
pose  that,  like  misfortunes,  they  "  never  come  single." 


296  PKENTICEANA. 

-t 

6;  T  THINK  you  must  allow,  madam,  that  my  jests  are  very 
JL  fair."     "  Sir,  your  jests  are  like  yourself — not  even 
their  age  can  make  them  respectable." 


A  IN"  ordinary  umbrella  is,  in  these  days,  of  but  very  partial 
use  to  a  lady  in  a  rain.    Our  ladies  should  either  enlarge 
the  circumference  of  their  umbrellas  or  reduce  their  own. 


^  rpHE  Spartana"  is  the  name  of  a  secret  Democratic 
-L  Association  in  the  city  of  Buffalo.     It  hardly  needs 
the  power  of  association  to  teach  Democrats  the  Spartan 
virtues  of  stealing  and  concealing. 


A  GENTLEMAN  killed  himself  in  Florida  for  the  love  of 
-£*-  a  Miss  Bullitt.  The  poor  fellow  couldn't  live  with  a 
Bullitt  in  his  heart. 

THE  "  Washington  Constitution  "  says  that  "  our  Govern 
ment  wants  nothing  of  Mexico  but  peace."     Yes,  but 
as  soon  as  it  gets  one  piece,  it  wants  another. 


THE  pen  is  a  formidable  weapon,  but  a  man  can  kill  him 
self  with  it  a  great  deal  more  easily  than  he  can  other 
people.  

A  LETTER,  describing  the  personal  appearance  of  Pike, 
the    clever  migratory   editor,   speaks  of  him  as  bald. 
We  didn't  suppose  there  was  much  of  a  growth  upon  Pike's 
Peak. 

A  GREAT  rascal,  who  lived  here  a  few  years  ago,  has 
been  twice  tied  to  a  post  and  whipped  in  California. 
We  shall  always  be  glad  to  hear  of  him  at  his  post. 


PRENTICEANA.  297 

TIHE  "Providence  Journal"  publishes  a  letter  '-'from  a 
source  of  the  best  information,"  bringing  to  light  a  new 
French  movement  against  the  independence  of  the  Sand 
wich  Islands.  We  shan't  wonder  if  our  big-bellied  Uncle 
Sam,  one  of  these  days,  shall  make  a  mouthful  or  half  a 
mouthful  of  those  Sandwiches. 


IN  a  late  duel  at  New  Orleans,  a  Mr.  Scott  was  badly  hurt 
by  his  antagonist,  Mr.  Bender.     He  is  not  the  first  chap 
that  has  been  damaged  by  "  a  bender." 


are  an  old  sheep,"  said  a  promising  specimen  of 
young  America  to  his  mother.  "Well,  you  little 
rascal,"  exclaimed  she,  seizing  the  broomstick,  "  if  I  am  an 
old  sheepj  I  lantfd  you,  and  I'll  lam  you  again." 


THE  editor  of  the  "New  Hampshire  Statesman  "  says  that 
his  candidate  got  off  the  Opposition  platform.     Well, 
though  his  candidate  may  never  have  been  witty,  he  has  at 
length  "  got  off  a  good  thing." 


HOMER  begged  from  his  countrymen,  and  all  succeed 
ing  generations  have  been  continually  stealing  from 
him. 


fFHE  Pittsburgers  are  fortunate  ;  they  get  their  delicious 
•*-  pure  drinking  water  from  the  Alleghany  River,  which 
bounds  one  side  of  their  city,  and  are  supplied  with  ex- 
haustless  quantities  of  Monongahela,  which  laves  the  other. 


WE  wonder  that,  among  all  the  titles  bestowed  upon  the 
moon,  none  of  her  poetical  admirers  have  ever  spoken 
cf  her  as  Her  Serene  Highness. 

*13 


298  PKENTICEANA. 

THE  "  Washington  Constitution  "  says  that  "  every  party 
should   have    the  exclusive    benefit  of  its  own  acts." 
Yes,  but  some  years  ago,  Democrats  took  chiefly  the  bene 
fit  of  what  they  called  a  Whig  act — the  bankrupt  act. 


¥ 


E  should  do  well  to  take  counsel  from  the  wise  and 
warning  from  the  foolish. 


OTEALING  money  from  a  man's  pocket  to  settle  a  debt 
V  due  to  him  is  to  pay  him  in  his  own  coin. 


SOME  things  are  much  better  eschewed  than  chewed; 
tobacco  is  one  of  them. 


I 


T  is  more  respectable  to  black  boots  than  to  black  charac 
ters — to  sew  shirts  than  to  sow  strifes. 


B 


IE  sure  not  to  tell  a  first  falsehood,  and  you  needn't  fear 
being  detected  in  any  subsequent  ones. 


TjlEW  men  are  above  suspicion  ;  a  great  many  are  below 

Jo  it.  itr 

tt  11  /TISS,  what  have  you  done  to  be  ashamed  of,  that  you 
-l-'-L  blush  so  ?"    "  Sir,  what  have  the  roses  and  the  straw 
berries  and  the  peaches  done  that  they  blush  so  ?" 


A  SWEET  and  tender  young  woman  is  loved  by  both 
Christians  and  South  Sea  Islanders — by  the  former  as 
something  to  marry,  and  by  the  latter  as  something  to  eat. 
And  undoubtedly  she  is  very  nice,  take  her  either  way. 


PKENTICEANA.  299 

AN  English  paper  asks  what  sort  of  entertainment  we 
could  give  the  British  if  they  were  to  invade  us.      We 
could  give  them  a  good  many  balls  and  a  few  routs. 


MEMORY  is  not  so  brilliant  as  hope,  but  it  is  more  beau 
tiful,  and  a  thousand  times  as  true. 


A  QUART  of  whisky  will  neutralize  a  snake-bite  and  not 
intoxicate.     We  wonder  if  a  snake-bite  wouldn't  neu 
tralize  the  effect  of  a  quart  of  whisky.      If  it  would,  every 
drunken  man's  wife  should  be  the  proprietor  of  a  big  snake. 


IF  the  Alleghany  Mountains  are  properly  called  the  back 
bone  of  the  United  States,  our  country  has  a  good  many 
curvatures  of  the  spine. 


4  TENNESSEE  landlord,  seeing  a  sailor  with  a  pocket 
H  full  of  money,  followed  him  on  the  road  to  rob  him. 
He  thought  to  catch  a  tar,  and  did  twice  as  much  as  he 
undertook — he  caught  a  Tar-tar. 


A  CYNICAL  writer  asks  "  when  women  will  cease  to 
-tl  make  fools  of  themselves."  Probably  when  men  cease 
to  admire  and  love  fools  more  than  women  of  sense 


I 


F  the  old  maxim  is  true  that  the  law  takes  no  account  of' 
small  matters,  it  must  take  precious  little  account   of 
many  who  pretend  to  administer  it. 


300  PEENTICEANA. 

WHEN"  a  man  has  been  intemperate  so  long  that  shame 
no   longer  paints  a  blush   upon  his  cheek,  his  liquor 
generally  does  it  instead. 


T  ET  a  young  woman  take  the  degree  of  A.  B.,  that  is,  A 
-LJ  Bride,  and  she  may  hope  in  due  time  to  be  entitled  to 
that  of  A.  M. 


HEAVEN  ever  renders  her  dews  to  the  earth ;  but  earth 
seldom,  or  never  renders  her  dues  to  Heaven. 


dress  of  a  frivolous  coquette,  however  abundant,  is 
next  to  nothing. 


TOO  much  rain  is  as  bad  for  vegetation  as  too  little  ;  it 
operates  as  a  check-rain. 


A    DENTIST  at  work  in  his  vocation  always  looks  down 
A  in  the  mouth. 


"HROBABLY  few  women  actually  whip  their  husbands, 
-L     but  a  great  many  get  them  whipped. 


L 


ADIES,  take  in  your  crinolines  and  let  out  your  minds. 


/~\LD  men  and  women  often  betake  themselves  to  smok 


ing.     They  have  piping  times. 


fTHEY  say  that  "  boys  will  be  boys."    Pity  it  isn't  equally 
-*-   true  that  men  will  be  men. 


PRENTICEANA.  301 

IT  seems  now  to  have  been  demonstrated  that  the  aurora 
borealis  is  but  one  of  the  forms  of  electricity.   It  is  a  form 
that  we  especially  like.      It  is  incomparably  more  beautiful 
than  the  lightning,  and  then  it  makes  no  thundering  noise 
and  it  never  strikes. 


THE  "New  York  Tribune"  says  that  "Mr.  Dickens  is  not 
-"-  coming  to  this  country  after  all."  We  have  no  doubt, 
that,  if  he  ever  comes,  he  will  come  "  after  all  "  he  can  get. 


JOHN  MITCHEL  is  by  this  time  in  Europe.     We  are 
rid  of  him.     If  he  could  have  had  his  way,  we  should 
have  been  rid  l>y  him. 


.  BREWER,  of  the  "  Northeastern  Herald  "  professes 
to  have  "  a  dozen  reasons  for  opposing  the  Opposi 
tion."  It  is  said  that  "  a  baker's  dozen  "  is  thirteen  /  but 
we  guess  a  Brewer's  isn't  more  than  about  one. 


A  DEMOCRATIC  paper  in  North  Carolina,  edited  by 
•£*•  Henry  Timothy,  comes  to  us  for  an  exchange.  We 
decline.  St.  Paul  "  loved  Timothy,"  and  so  do  horses,  but 
we  don't. 


A  KENTUCKY  editor  complains  that  a  very  big  potato, 
-£*•  sent  as  a  present  to  him,  found  its  way  to  the  office  of 
another  editor.  Well,  he  looks  as  if  he  had  been  cut  out 

of  a  Mg  potato. 

— •  •  • 

THE  "  Democrat "  says  "  there  are  many  different  ways 
of  reaching  the  Presidency."     We  guess  that  some  of 
the  Democrat's  political  friends  will  find  that  there  are  a 
good  man  more  ways  of  not  reaching  it. 


302  PEENTICEANA. 

rpHE  thumb  is  a  useful  member,  but,  because  you  have 
J-  one,  you  needn't  necessarily  try  to  keep  your  neighbors 
under  it. 


MORE  persons  kill  themselves  with  the  pen,  than  with 
the  pistol,  the  dagger,  and  the  rope. 


WHAT  some  call  health,  if  purchased  by  perpetual  anxiety 
about  diet,  isn't  much  better  than  tedious  disease. 


,  the   Bible   tells  thee   to  swear  not  at   all." 
J-    "  Oh,  well,  I  don't  swear  at  all ;  I  swear  only  at  those 
I  am  mad  at." 


SOME  tell  us  of  the  impurity  of  the  water,  some  of  the 
impurity  of  the  milk,  and  others  of  the  impurity  of  the 
spirits.     Pray,  what  is  a  thirsty  soul,  intent  on  purity,  to 
do? 


THE  most  wonderful  instance  of  presence  of  mind  was  that 
of  Shadrach,  Meshach,  and  Abednego.     In  the  midst  of 
the  fiery  furnace,  they  kept  cool. 


M  T  WOULDN'T  make  sluices  of  my  eyes,  wife,  if  I  were 
-L  in  your  place."     "  No,  sir  ;  you  prefer  making  a  sluice 
of  your  mouth." 


are  a  great  many  beams  in  the  eyes  of  the  ladies, 
-   but  they  are  for  the  most  part  sunbeams. 


TF  a  village  contains  a  score  of  gossiping  old  maids,  it  has 


precious  little  need  of  a  newspaper. 


PEENTICEANA.  303 

TF  a  woman  could  talk  out  of  the  two  sides  of  her  mouth 
J-  at  the  same  time,  there  would  be  a  great  deal  to  be  said 
on  both  sides. 

¥E  hear  much  about  the  Dutch  taking  Holland.    It  would 
be  gratifying  to  a  good  many  if  the  Irish  could  take 
Ireland. 


A    LADY,  who  keeps  canaries,  finches,  etc.,  caged  for  her 
•**•  amusement,  must  have  a  partiality  for  "jail-birds." 


"TTTE  wind  up  clocks  to  make  them  keep  running  and  banks 
»V    to  stop  their  running. 

T)  ICH  crops  are  often  produced  by  plowing  the  sea. 

F  ADIES,  if  you  find  your  husbands  obstinately  deaf  when 
-U  you  are  talking  to  them,  try  a  little  palm-oil  upon  their 
ears. 


WHAT'S  in  a  dress  ?  Sometimes  a  great  deal,  sometimes 
little  or  nothing. 

j\]"O  doubt  there  are  some  outspoken  millers,  but  generally 
-L  *   they  are  a  mealy-mouthed  race. 


CHOUGH  men  give  you  their  advice  gratis,  you  will  often 
-*•   be  cheated  if  you  take  it. 


T17E  hear  a  great  deal  about  England's  poor-laws.     There 
*  *    are  a  great  many  laws  of  that  sort'  in  this  country. 


304  PEENTIOEANA. 

fPHE  "New  York  Times"  suggests  that  the  Americans 
-   and  the  British  "  will  soon  be  cannonading  each  other 
across  the  sea."     If  they  do  not  come  to  any  closer  quar 
ters,  they  will  give  no  serious  offence  to  the  Peace  Society. 


WHEN  a  man  is  so  angry  as  to  seek  to  kill  his  enemy, 
we  suppose  his  wrath  is  at  blood-heat. 


A  GREAT  many  men  often  suffer  from  fullness  of  the 
stomach,  WJM>  will  never  suffer  from  fullness  of  the  head 
or  heart. 


1 


F  you  want  a  man  to  do  fair  work  for  you,  let  him  have 
fair  play. 


IT  may  be  difficult  for  you  sometimes  to  get  away  from 
bad  company,  but  don't,  for  that  reason,  throw  yourself 
away. 

^  T  LOOK  down  upon  you,  sir."     "Yes,  you  seem  in  a 
*>  condition  to  look  down  for  the  sky,  and  feel  upward 

for  the  ground." 

»-*-• — 

A  SOUTHERN  editor  says  that  he  has  had  half  his  right 
hand  shot  off.     We  condole  with  him,  but  hope  he'll 
excel  hereafter  in  short-hand  writing. 


fTlHERE  is  oftentimes  as  much  difference  between  a 
J-  preacher  of  the  Gospel  and  a  practiser  of  it  as  between 
a  turtle-dove  and  a  snapping-turtle. 


PEENTICEANA.  305 

id  the  Ode  I  composed  to  Sle< 
yes,  and  was  myself  composed  to  sleep." 


JJAVE  you  read  the  Ode  I  composed  to  Sleep  ?"    "  Oh, 


A  POPULAR  writer  says  it  is  not  the  drinking,  but  the 
getting  sober  that  is  so  terrible  in  a  drunkard's  life. 
Some  persons,  influenced  probably  by  this  important  con 
sideration,  seem  to  have  deliberately  resolved  never  to  get 
sober. 


AM  rejoiced,  my  dear  wife,  to  see  you  in  such  good 
health,"  said  Sparks  to  his  wife.     "Health?   why  I 
have  had  the  plague  ever  since  I  was  married." 


AN  inventor  in  Detroit  is  attempting  to  make  a  flying- 
machine,  and  a  Detroit  editor  calls  it  "an  old  trap." 
Perhaps  he  thinks  it  a  fly-trap. 


A  MAN",  who  employs  people  to  work  for  him,  should  not 
be  more  careful  to  feed  his  stomach  than  his  hands. 


WHITE  cloud  makes  a  very  nice  parasol,  but  a  black 
one  a  very  poor  umbrella. 


HIE  greatest  truths  are  the  simplest ;  the  greatest  men 
and  women  are  sometimes  so,  too. 


8~  OME  persons  can  be  everywhere  at  home;  others  can  sit 
musingly  at  home  and  be  everywhere. 


306  PKENTICEANA. 

QEVERAL  young  ladies  in  New  Orleans  are  studying 
^  dentistry.  We  suspect  their  object  is  to  get  near  the 
gentlemen's  lips. 


AFTENTIMES  the  "  fastest "  young  women  are  the  most 
U  easily  overtaken  by  the  galloping  consumption. 


THE  END. 


f 


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THE 

STANDARD  FEMALE  NOVELISTS. 


THE    WORKS    OF    JANE    AUSTEN,  Comprising 

"  Pride  and  Prejudice,"  "Sense  and  Sensibility,"  "Mansfield  Park," 
"  Northanger  Abbey,"  "Emma,"  and  "Persuasion."    First  American 
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plete.  With  portrait  on  steel.  2  vols.,  12mo. 

Price,  in  Cloth,  $2  00 ;  Sheep,  library  style,  $2  50 ;  Half  calf,  extra  or  antique,  $4  00. 

THE  WORKS  OF  JANE  PORTER,  Comprising 
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trait.  2  vols.,  12mo. 

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THE  WORKS  OF  ANNE  RADCLIFFE,  Compris 
ing  "The  Mysteries  of  Eudolpho,"  and  "Romance  of  the  Forest." 
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THE  WORKS  OF  CHARLOTTE  BRONTE 

(CURHER  BELL),  Comprising  "Jane  Eyre,"  "Shirley,"  and  " Villette." 
Complete  in  3  vols.,  12mo. 
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EVELINA ;  or,  The  History  of  a  Young  Lady's 

Introduction  to  the  World.      By  FRANCES  BURNEY  (Mme.  d'Arblay). 
With  a  Life  of  the  Author  by  T.  B.  Macaulay.     12mo. 
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CORINNE  ;  or,  Italy.  By  MADAME  DE  STAEL.  Trans- 
lated  by  Isabel  Hill,  with  Metrical  Versions  of  the  Odes  by  L.  E  Landon 
12mo. 

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THE    LADY'S   GUIDE 

TO 

PERFECT  GENTILITY 

IN  MANNERS,  DRESS,  AND  CONVERSATION, 

IS   THE  FAMILY,  IN  COMPANY,  AT  THE  PIANO  FORTE,  THE  TABLE,  IN   TH§ 
STREET,  AND   IN   GENTLEMEN'S  SOCIETY. 

ALSO, 

A.  USEFUL  INSTRUCTOR  IN   LETTER-WRITING,   TOILET  PREPARATIONS,   FANCY 

NEEDLE-WORK,   MILLINERY,    DRESSMAKING,    CARE  OF  WARDROBE, 

THE  HAIR,   TEETH,    HANDS,    LIPS,    COMPLEXION,   ETC. 

BY   EMILY   THORNWELL, 

AUTHOR  OF  "THE  YOUNO  LADIES'  OWN  BOOK,"  ETC. 

One  Handsome  12mo.  Volume,  with  Steel  Plate.    Price  75  cents. 

CONTENTS. 

Agrecableness  and  Beauty  of  Person— Requisites  to  Female  Beauty — Pimples  and 
Wrinkles — Choice  Cosmetics  for  Beautifying  the  Skin — Treatment  of  the  Hair — How  to 
Preserve  the  Teeth  Sound  and  White — Choice  Dentifrice — Means  of  securing  a  Beautiful 
Tint  to  the  Lips — Means  of  Improving  the  Appearance  of  the  Hands — Ornamental  effect 
of  neatly  kept  Nails— How  to  have  a  Sweet  Breath — Gentility  and  Refinement — Taste 
with  Regard  to  Manners — Low  and  Vulgar  Associations — Gait  and  Carriage— Gentle 
men's  Attendance — Kind  of  Cards  and  Manner  of  Carrying  them — Length  of  Calls — Re 
ceiving  Visitors  —  Introductions  —  Giving  Invitations— Who  may  be  Invited— Taking 
Leave— Dancing  Occasious— Invitation  to  Sing  or  Play— Conversation  at  the  Table— The 
Ceremony— After  Congratulations  and  Festivities — Invitations  to  Ride  on  Horseback- 
Polite,  Easy,  and  Graceful  Deportment — Female  Dress — How  to  combine  Elegance,  Style 
and  Economy — Ladies'  Morning  Attire — Street  Dress — Young  Ladies'  Attire — The  Ap 
parel  of  Older  Ladies — Gloves,  Handkerchiefs,  Stockings,  etc.— The  Relation  of  Colois 
Effect  of  Tight  Lacing,  etc.— Cleaning  and  Washing  Dresse's — To  Perfume  Linen— To 
Extract  Grease  Spots-To  Prevent  Moths— The  Art  of  Conversing  with  Fluency  and  Pro 
priety-  How  to  Treat  Flattery  — How  to  Address  Young  Gentlemen — Speaking  of  One'a 
Self— Things,  Words,  and  Sayings  to  be  Avoided— Art  of  Correct  and  Elegant  Letter- 
Wriling— Useful  Hints  and  Rules  for  Letter-Writers-Style  of  Addressing  Different  Pei- 
6ons--Models'or  Plans  for  Various  Letters —Elegant  Fancy  Needle-work— Bracelets— A 
Pretty  Lace  Collar— Embroidery  in  its  Various  Modes— Stitches  on  Muslin  and  Lace- 
Composition  for  Drawing  Patterns— The  Art  of  Millinery  and  Dressmaking -Effect  of 
Bonnets  on  the  general  appearance— Facts  and  Rules  in  Dressmaking,  etc.  etc.  etc. 

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THE  AMERICAN 

GENTLEMAN'S  GUIDE 

TO 

POLITENESS  AND  FASHION  ; 

OR, 

FAMILIAR   LETTERS   TO    HIS  NEPHEWS,  CONTAINING  RULES  OP  ETIQUETTE, 

DIRECTIONS  FOR  THE  FORMATION  OF  CHARACTER,  ETC.  ETC., 

ILLUSTRATED    BY   SKETCHES   DRAWN    FROM    LIFE, 

OF  THE  MEN  AND  MANNERS  OF  OUR  TIMES. 


BY      HE^RY      LUNETTES. 

One  neat  12mo.    Price  $1  25. 

CONTENTS 

i)RESS.  —  Fashion  —  Taste  in  Dress  —  Example  of  Byron  —  Dr.  Johnson  and  the  Siddons  — 
Horace  Greeley  —  Example  of  Washington  —  Selections  of  Colon—  Morning  Costume  — 
Ceremonious  Costume  —  Mode  of  Wearing  the  Hair  and  Beard  —  Collars  —  Use  of  Dia 
monds  in  Dress  —  True  Refinement—  Test  of  High  Breeding—  Wearing  Gloves  m 
Dancing—  Street  and  Morning  Visits—  The  Mill-Boy  of  the  Slashes—  Anecdotes  Illus 
trative  of  Dress  —  The  Hero  of  the  Bali-Room  —  The  Fashionable  Hat  —  Travelling 
Gloves  of  an  Exquisite—  Gov.  Marcy  and  the  Parisians  —  Distinctive  Mark  of  a  Gen 
tleman—Details  of  Gentleman's  Dress—  Wedding  Costume  —  Morning  and  Evening 
Dress—  Costume  for  Bachelors  —  Effect  of  Black  Dress  —  Blue  —  Brown. 

MANNERS.—  Manner  Indicative  of  Character—  The  Fashionable  Manner—  Good  Breed 
ing—The  St.  Nicholas  Hotel—  "  Willard's,"  at  Washington  —  Manner  to  Parents- 
Brothers  and  Sisters—  To  a  Wife  —  The  Sensibility  of  Woman  —  Domestic  Politeness  — 
Proper  Mode  of  Salutation  —  Rule,  when  meeting  a  Gentleman  walking  with  Ladies  — 
Shaking  hands  with  Ladies  —  Courteous  Phrases  —  Parting  Ceremonies—  Walking  with 
Ladies—  Staring  at  Ladies  —  Ceremonious  Visits—  Character  of  Conversation—  Card  of 
Announcement  —  Drawing-Room  Rules  —  Visitors  taking  leave  —  Offering  the  Ann- 
Wedding  Receptions—  Leaving  Cards  —  Visits  on  New  Year's  Day  —  Attending  Ladies 
at  Concerts  —  Manner  at  a  Public  Table  —  Driving  with  Lauies  Introduction  of  Guests. 

THE  TOILET.—  The  True  Basis  of  Health—The  Bath—  The  Hair—  The  Teeth—  The  Nails 
—A  Complete  Wardrobe  —  Riding  and  Driving—  Siuple  Tastes  in  Eating  —  Use  of  Wine, 
etc.  —  Amusements  in  the  open  Air  —  Fashionable  Watering  Places. 

I  ETTER-AVRITING.—  Variety  of  Styles  —  A  good  Business-hand—  Letters  of  Introduction 

—  Letter  to  a  Lady  of  Fashion  —  Introducing  Men  to  Women  —  Evening  Parties  —  Let 
ters  of   Recommendation—  Proper  Style  of  Letters  of   Condolence,  etc.  —  Notes  of 
Invitation  —  Letter-Superscription. 

ACCOMPLISHMENTS.—  Taste  for  Music—  Advantage  of  Dancing,  Riding  and  Driving— 
The  Art  of  Conversation  —  Use  of  Slang  Phrases—  Conversational  Topics—  Courtesy  to 
Ladies  and  Clergyman—  Quickness  at  Repartee. 

QABIT.  —  Fashion  not  always  Good-Breeding—  The  Tie  of  a  Cravat  —  Walking,  Standing, 
Sitting—  Ease  of  Attitude—  The  Art  of  Carving—  Helping  Ladies  at  Table—  Ladies 
Careful  Observers  —  Proper  Attitude  while,  Reading  —  Habits  of  Good-Humor,  etc. 

MENTAL  AND  MORAL  EDUCATION.—  Definition  of  Self-Culture—  Reading  for  Amuso- 
ment  —  Fictitious  Literature  —  Knowledge  under  Difficulties  —  Learned  Blacksmith  — 
Franklin  and  \Vebster-Choice  of  Companions  and  Friends—  Selection  of  a  Pursuit 
in  Life—  Courtship—  Marriage  —  Housekeeping—  Pecuniary  Matters—  Value  of  Friend 
ship  -The  Merchant  Princes  —  The  Pursuit  of  'Wealth—  Advantages  of  Early  Marriage 

—  Friendship  with  a  Married  Lady  —Presents  —  Pernicious  ElFects  of  Boarding  —  An 
Old   Man's   Advice—  Cupid  turned  Carrier—  A  True  Woman's  Letter—  Uncle  Hal's 
Farewell. 

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